“Thanks, Levi.”
“You two having a night swim?” Sage called down to them.
“Yes, it’s our own private lake,” Levi said.
“Too bad.” A loud splash announced his sister had used the slide and was now in the water with them.
Levi realized it was probably for the best. Any longer alone with Caylee and he’d initiate serious talk that would push the beautiful woman away, or kissing that he would never want to stop. Neither one was going to develop the long-term relationship that he wanted with Caylee.
Chapter Fourteen
Caylee went through a huge letdown when they returned to Park City the next night. She was back to too much time on her hands, but the worst part was not enough Levi. They saw each other, but not nearly enough. He was busy taking over the doctor’s office, and training and volunteering at the fire department. She was getting more than ready to head back to school. At least then her mind would be consumed with papers, reading, and deadlines and not on a nonstop Levi cycle.
Every night he’d come pick her up and they’d go to the local high school and use the wrestling mats to work on self-defense. It was a pleasant torture being with him, but not really with him. Caylee wasn’t sure why this barrier had been thrown up between them, but it was like Lake Powell had been a vacation fling and now they were just friends with no benefits. Except for the sizzling heat between them that occurred far too often with a glance or a touch, they had nothing. Neither of them tried to talk seriously and neither of them took advantage of the physical contact that naturally came with self-defense lessons, to go for a kiss. It ticked Caylee off. She’d initiated their last kiss after the kitchen fire and she refused to initiate another.
The night before her flight left for California they were at the gym.
“You’ve got every move down,” Levi praised her, handing her a water bottle and taking a swallow of his. “I’d be scared to come after you.”
She gave him a flat smile. “Thanks, but I still worry I’ll freeze.”
He nodded, his eyes full of conflicting emotions. She could see how concerned he was about her and it meant a lot. “Okay. Let’s do some role playing.”
Caylee set down her water bottle. Levi came straight at her and stuck out his hand. “Hi, I’m Levi, it’s nice to meet you.”
Caylee wasn’t sure what his plan was. She gave him her hand. “Hi.” She didn’t get any other words out as he yanked her in, flipped her around and had her pinned against him, both hands wrapped around her chest.
“Okay,” Levi said close to her ear. “You’re scared and you need to break my hold.”
Scared wasn’t even close to the myriad of emotions she was feeling—warmth, desire, frustration. She didn’t want to break his hold, but she fantasized about spinning around in his arms and giving him a piece of her lips. Focus, girl. She stomped on his instep and jabbed her elbow into his abdomen. Levi jerked in surprise and loosened his grip. She slipped from his grasp and ran a few steps away.
“You did it.” Levi rubbed at his abdomen. “And that hurt. Good job.” He walked closer to her. Caylee was so focused on his handsome face and those blue eyes that were zeroed in on her, she didn’t even react when he pinned her arms to the side, wrapping her tight against him. She stared up into his eyes and whispered, “Levi. The move I’m supposed to do here is not something I ever want to do to you.”
He grinned. “Okay. We’ll just pretend you kneed me, then what?”
She was having a hard time catching a full breath. His arms around her and the way he looked at her like she was his whole world. She forced out the words, “Then hopefully you’d lean forward and I’d bring my head up into your jaw and knock out a few teeth.”
He smiled. His teeth were perfect and she’d never want to knock them out.
“Levi.”
His smile disappeared as he studied her. “Yes?”
“Why is it the only time you touch me is when we’re doing something like this?”
His arms softened around her and his eyes darkened. His eyes flitted down to her lips then back up. “Caylee, I …” The moment stretched and she prayed he’d go for the kiss she wanted so badly. Yet she still wasn’t at a place where she could commit to him, so she knew it was completely unfair to want him like she did.
He dragged in a ragged breath, his eyes searing into her. Caylee blinked up at him, hoping her eyes conveyed the message she couldn’t get her mouth to form—kiss me.
Levi opened his mouth and then shook his head and closed it. Tense seconds passed before he let his arms go soft around her. Caylee stayed close, praying he would talk to her. He released her and shoved a hand through his hair. “Do you want to go up the mountain and build a fire?”
Disappointment flooded her. Caylee forced a smile and stepped away from him. “Sure.”
They grabbed their stuff and he drove her to Cam’s. She showered quickly and put on a t-shirt and jeans, grabbing a sweatshirt. Cam was at the fire station. He would get off at seven in the morning, just in time to take her to the airport. Too bad Levi wasn’t taking her to the airport. She wondered if he would miss her, or be relieved to not have their relationship or lack thereof in his face every day. The tension between them was too high. Her mind was a tumble of wanting him, but not knowing how to make things work. He obviously wasn’t ready to talk seriously or kiss her. Not that she blamed him when he knew now what a mess she was.
Levi knocked on her door a few minutes later. They didn’t talk much as they drove his Land Rover up the mountain to a picturesque spot bursting with aspen and pine trees. They built the fire together and roasted hog dogs and marshmallows, eating as the sun set. Sage had packed the food, so of course the hot dogs were gourmet and there was potato salad, veggies, and homemade cookies too.
Eventually the only sounds were the crackling campfire, the cacophony of crickets, and an occasional branch snapping as an animal scurried through the forest. Caylee stared into the flames, wondering if he was going to finally talk to her or if she had to initiate the conversation. He’d been so gung ho about having a serious conversation at Lake Powell, but since she’d revealed her secret he’d kept his distance. She couldn’t believe she actually wanted to talk seriously, but she couldn’t keep wondering where things were between the two of them, like an itch she couldn’t reach.
“Did you get a permit for this fire?” she tried to joke.
“I know a guy.” Levi smiled.
“I like that guy.”
His smile grew, but he didn’t respond, simply stared at her as if memorizing her every feature. When the silence stretched too thin, she jumped to her feet and held out her hand. “Let’s dance.”
Levi gave her a bemused smile. “Dance?”
“Don’t you hear the music?”
Levi stood, wrapped one arm around her back, took her other hand in his, and tugged her flush to him. “You’re in charge of music,” he whispered.
Caylee’s breath caught at his nearness. He smelled so good—citrus and musk. Except for when they were working on self defense, he hadn’t touched her over the past two weeks as if she was a fragile mental case and would disintegrate into tears if things got physical between them. She stared up into his perfect face and then started singing, “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, strangers in the night, fighting romances.”
Levi chuckled. “Fighting romances?”
Caylee glanced up at him and was suddenly blinking away tears. “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”
Levi sort of groaned then brushed his lips across her forehead. “Fighting something,” he whispered. The moment slowed down as his eyes dipped to her lips then back up to focus on her eyes. Caylee arched up onto tiptoes, forgetting all her vows to not be the one to initiate the kiss and to not lead Levi on.
Levi started dancing and humming the tune of Strangers in the Night. Caylee hid her disappointment and swirled around the dirt with him.
“So you actually know how to danc
e?” she asked.
“Took ballroom dance in high school to hit on girls.”
“Figures.” Yet she couldn’t help but smile. “I’m sure with your face girls swarmed you everywhere you went.”
He shrugged and kept dancing.
“So, I leave in the morning.” Caylee was proud of herself for putting it out there.
Levi glanced down sharply. “I know.”
She stopped dancing. “Are we going to talk about it?”
“It?” Levi’s voice was breathless and his hands around her tightened.
“Us?” Caylee drew in a long breath. “Us Levi. Is there ever going to be an us?” She couldn’t believe she’d just said that, but she was throwing caution to the wind. The fears and commitment issues would rear their ugly heads soon. Right now she just wanted to be with Levi.
Levi released her hand and tenderly cupped her chin. “I would like that. If you’re ready.”
She might never be ready, but maybe Levi was worth taking the plunge. “Then what are you waiting for?”
His eyebrows arched up.
“Kiss me already.” Oh, my, she was a wanton woman.
Levi grinned and lowered his head until his breath was warm on her lips. “Never a dull moment with you.”
Caylee ignored his teasing and pressed her lips to his. The dark night seemed to sparkle around them as their lips and bodies became one. Levi held her fiercely against him like he never wanted to let her go. Caylee had wanted this, him for so long, she exchanged kiss for kiss and was tingling with joy and desire when he pulled back, his arms softening around her back. They both drew in ragged breaths for a few seconds before Caylee muttered, “Tell me why we haven’t been doing that for the last two weeks?”
Levi chuckled but it was unsteady. He unraveled his arms from her, took her hand and led her back to the logs. “We need to talk.”
Oh, no. Now she’d done it. She’d let her physical desires override her emotional good sense. Her stomach tightened, but she vowed to hear him out. Levi deserved so much more than her being willing to listen, so she was going to try this serious talk thing.
They sat side by side. “After you told me everything at Lake Powell …” He studied her eyes as if asking permission to delve into this again.
Caylee nodded.
“I wanted to show you that you can trust me.”
Caylee’s stomach tumbled. “That’s why you haven’t touched me?”
Levi shrugged. “You’re irresistible to me Caylee when we get too close. I never want to be that guy, that you can’t trust to respect you.”
Caylee trembled, but shook her head. “You’re not that guy, Levi.”
He nodded. “Is there any possibility of … commitment?”
Caylee thought about that scary, scary word. But maybe, with Levi, she could conquer it. “I’m open to the possibility.” She smiled and he returned it, but then she groaned. “But how can we develop something if I’m leaving tomorrow?”
Levi squeezed her hand. “I’ve been waiting for you so many years, Caylee. Six more months isn’t going to kill me.”
Caylee’s heart seemed to take flight. He did want her. This incredible man wanted her. “It might kill me.”
He chuckled, but quickly turned serious. “As I’ve gotten to know you and what’s happened to you,” he licked his lips, “I really feel like you need to tell someone besides me, maybe like a therapist or something.”
She pursed her lips, not answering him. She’d barely agreed to talk about commitment and he went right into the huge issues she wanted to avoid. She wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of a therapist, but being told what to do was hard. Just another reason she avoided relationships. She’d promised herself that she could trust Levi and open up, but he was blowing right past her safety nets in the first five minutes of their relationship.
“I think someone like that could also work through your issues about freezing instead of defending yourself too. You have all the skills. I know you can do it.”
“Okay,” she forced out.
“Okay?” He reached an arm around her and hugged her to his side. “You’re so amazing.”
Caylee smiled at him, but could sense there was more. “And?”
He released her and took another long breath. “We need to report what happened to you to the police.”
Her brow squiggled. “It’s been over eight years. There’s no proof.”
“I know, but if this guy has ever had something else on his record your accusations could help nail him.”
“Okay.” She didn’t want to dredge all that up and wasn’t sure how it would help her, but she did trust Levi and she wanted to move on from this heavy stuff and get back to the kissing and talking about a future together.
“And one other thing …” He rubbed circles in her palm with his thumb. “You need to tell Cam.”
Caylee pushed away from him and jumped to her feet. “What? No!” She’d been trying to do this serious talk and commitment stuff, but this was too much. Levi had pushed right past her boundaries and she couldn’t stand for it.
Levi stood and faced her. His blue eyes dark and somber. “I think it would help you a lot.”
“No! It would kill Cam. I can’t do that to him. You know how protective he is of me. How hard he’s worked to take care of me all these years. It would absolutely rip him apart. I’m never doing that to him.”
Levi reached out and gently touched her cheek. “Caylee. I can’t believe I ever dared call you selfish. You’re the most selfless person, but Cam is strong. He loves you, and maybe I’m completely off, but I feel very strongly that you need to confide this in him. If your mom or dad were alive, would you have told them?”
Caylee stepped back so his hand fell away from her face. “They’re not around so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” She shook her head. This was exactly why she didn’t get in relationships. What right did Levi have to tell her what she should do to fix herself? She’d taken the therapist and police idea as graciously as she could, but then he had to ask her to reveal her secret to Cam. She should never have shared her secret with Levi. She should never have imagined she could be in a serious relationship. Trust and love were two beasts she could never control. And he was so wrong about her being selfless. She was much too selfish to be part of a couple. This give and take did not work for her.
“Please take me home,” she whispered.
Levi opened his mouth then closed it. He finally hung his head and muttered, “All right.”
He took a bucket to the stream and doused the fire while Caylee packed up their supplies. Their last night together was over. Even worse, they were over. Levi drove her to Cam’s cabin in complete silence—horrible, final, awkward silence.
Levi jumped out, hurried around, and got her door. He walked her to the porch and as she reached for the door handle, he started talking fast, “Maybe I was all wrong about you telling Cam. I’m sorry. I just want to help you.”
Caylee blew out a breath. “No, I’m sorry. I know you want to help, but I’m never going to be ready for a relationship Levi.”
He didn’t respond and that hurt as much as anything. She turned the handle and pulled open the door.
“Wait.” Levi touched her arm. “How can I fix this?”
She shook her head. “You can’t Levi. You’re trying so hard—to be patient and teach me to trust and help me deal with my issues, but it’s all too … heavy right now. Maybe we both just need some space.” She was trying to soften the blow. Her one chance at love and she couldn’t do it. Glancing over his handsome face, she ached already for how much she was going to miss him.
He drew in a ragged breath. “Can we keep in touch?”
“I don’t know.” She made the mistake of getting lost in his blue eyes and wished she could fling herself into his arms and kiss away all the questions between them. Instead she slid into the house and shut the door behind her. She leaned against it and closed her eyes. The tears came t
hen. Levi had brought her so much happiness, but he had also ripped apart what little heart she had left. All his efforts to teach her how to trust had failed and she knew the blame lay on her—flailing and crying at her feet, but she couldn’t fix the situation.
Chapter Fifteen
Levi had never been so grateful to be busy as he was the month of September. If he wasn’t with a patient at his new office, he was at the fire station or spending time with his parents and helping Cam and Sage get ready for the wedding.
Cam kept his distance at first, but then they started building a camaraderie with fire fighting and football, watching games and chatting. Cam taught him a little bit about lacrosse and he went to watch a few of the high school games with him and was impressed.
They never talked about Caylee though. It was like this taboo subject between them. Yet Levi thought about her nonstop. He missed her laugh, her impetuousness, her smile, her smell. Sometimes late at night he could swear he could smell her raspberry-vanilla scent. Why he didn’t pick up the phone and call, or at the very least text was beyond him. She’d made it pretty clear that she needed a break the last night they were together. A break or the end of all hope? He had to convince himself it was a break or he might break down.
He wanted to chase after her, bang down her door, kiss her until she admitted they should be together, but every time he googled flights from Salt Lake City to L.A. or picked up his phone to call her, something stopped him.
Many times he found himself on his knees, just praying for Caylee to be happy and to heal. He also selfishly prayed that maybe, someday Caylee would be ready for a relationship with him, but sadly he had no promises and little hope.
Caylee had never hated school or L.A. but she was absolutely miserable with both right now. She wanted Lake Powell. She wanted Park City. The truth was, she wanted anywhere Levi was, but she couldn’t be with Levi until she figured some things out.
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