by A. Cramton
It breaks me knowing she’s somewhere alone crying and I’m not there to hold her, tell how sorry I am and that I’m in love with her.
Yes. I fucking love her.
I just need to prove it.
Love Yourself- Justin Bieber
I play with my engagement ring, twirling it at the tips of my fingers. I loved this ring. I picked it out myself. I remember the bullshit proposal Marcus did in front of my family and half of LA. I remember faking my happiness and surprise. I remember everything.
After waking up this morning from the hangover of all hangovers I downed a cup of coffee and two Tylenols. Last night plays over in my head making my heart ache. I was tired of being played, tired of being unhappy. It was time to live for me and no one else.
Dropping the ring next to the note I wrote for Marcus, who didn’t come home at all last night, I grab the handle of my suitcase and slide on my carry-on on my shoulder. I spent the morning packing all my things in boxes that I had the doorman ship out not to long ago.
Taking one more look out the large living room window, I take a deep breath and walk out the door, leaving my keys on the entryway table.
Chelsea was downstairs standing by her car. I called her early this morning with my new plans. I gave her a choked up run down on last night and my drunken pity party. I told her that I’m finally chasing my dreams. As happy as she was for me she was sad to see me leave, but she knew this what I needed to do.
I haven’t turned my phone back on since I turned it off when I woke up. Yoel has called me almost at every hour on the hour. I wasn’t ready to take his calls. I’m not sure I ever will be.
I had been played. I fell in love with him, just to find out he was just using me.
But it felt so real.
I shake my head, clearing my thoughts as I throw my bags in her trunk.
“I can’t believe you’re actually doing it,” Chelsea says pulling onto the Strip.
“I know.” I couldn’t believe I was doing it either, but during my drinking fest last night I replied to a job offer and bought a one-way ticket to a new city. This morning I lucked out and my realtor found me a great rental.
“What did Marcus say when he saw your shit packed. I would have loved to see his face.”
“He doesn’t know I’m gone. He didn’t come home last night so I left a note along with the ring.”
She gasps. “Badass. I’m sure he’ll call me.” She purses her lips.
I’m sure he will call her, right after he calls my parents. That’s the conversation I can’t wait to have.
“So have you talked to you know who?” she asks softly.
I know who ‘you know who’ is. I can feel the tears forming just thinking of him again.
I shake my head and stare out the window for the rest of the drive.
Being the best friend she is she walks me to the security line after we check-in my suitcase. Tears are going and we’re hugging each other tight.
“I’m going to miss you so much.” She wipes her eyes.
I do the same and smile. “You’ll have to come and visit me.”
“Deal.”
It didn’t feel real until I was seated in my first class seat looking out the window to the runway. I was leaving. I was chasing my dreams just like Yoel wanted for me, or claim to want for me. This was happening.
It was time to make me happy and stop trying to make everyone else happy.
I had to take care of me now.
This view of Central Park was amazing. I’m not sure how my realtor snagged this last minute, but I was forever thankful. I wasn’t due to start my position at The New Yorker for another week, but I wanted to settle in first and learn my way around. New York is a lot crazier than Los Angeles and Vegas.
My apartment is amazing, I feel like I’m Sex in the City. I was happy to find out it was furnished beautifully.
I curl up on the couch with the Thai takeout I ordered and a bottle of wine I bought at the little store down the street. Turning my phone on I decided it was time to face the music.
Five voicemails and thirty texts are popping on the screen. I frown. Damn.
Two of the voicemails were from my parents, demanding where I was. One from Marcus calling me a selfish bitch, tell me how you really feel why don’t ya. The next two are from Yoel. Putting on my big girl panties I put the phone to my ear.
“Madison, please call me back. I can explain everything.” His voice soft. “Please, baby doll.”
I take a breath as the next one plays, but I chicken out and hang up. Even though he didn’t say much in the first one it was enough to bring the hurt back.
I didn’t want to miss him, I didn’t want to love him, but I couldn’t help it, and that’s what hurt the most. We were temporary, I don’t know where the lines blurred, I don’t know exactly when I fell, but I knew I did and it hurts to fucking bad.
Restless Heart Syndrome- Green Day
It’s been days since I’ve last seen Madison run out of the party teary eyed. It’s been hell, every time I call her it just goes to her voicemail. I was miserable and having withdrawals from not being near her. I miss her so much.
My days are unbearable and training sucks when I don’t have her to go to at night. I refuse to let the maids change my sheets because they still smell like her. I’m pathetic, I know. I don’t give a fuck.
I just need her back. I need to explain, I know she won’t forgive me, but I need to at least try.
I finally got the balls to knock on Dominic’s door. If anyone could get me to Madison it was her best friend. Only to have her try to rip my head off. Right off the bat she refused to help me. That was yesterday.
Now here I am running on the treadmill with Rascal Flatt’s What hurts the most, playing on repeat. I’m not usually the one for country, but this song is the truth and I refused to cry so I had to make this song cry for me. See what I did there?
The only bad side effect to having this song on repeat was the memories that came with it. The way she would do a stupid little dance when talking about new books that came out. How she would stick her finger in my nose while I was sleeping, it drove me crazy, now I would do anything to do have her do it again. Fuck, even her lame jokes. I want it all back. I just want her back.
Slowing down to a slow jog I see Chris come through the gym holding a bag of sandwiches. I haven’t been eating much lately and I’m starving.
Jumping off the treadmill I meet him at the small table in the middle.
Chris sets a large wrapped sandwich and bottle of water in front of me.
“Bro, you are still training. You have to eat.”
I shrug and unwrap my sandwich taking a big bite. Fuck it’s Italian.
Madison loves anything Italian. I want to put it down and push it away, but Chris is watching me from the other side of the table so I swallow hard take another bite and stare at the ground.
“So, you want to talk about it?” Chris asks causally.
I shoot him a look. “Do you want me to grab some nail polish and face masks? I’m sure we can even have a sleepover,” I deadpan.
He shakes his, “Seriously. You need to talk about it.”
“What’s there to talk about?” I shrug. “I fucked up, she found out and now she won’t talk to me. It was bound to end anyway.”
“Bullshit, you fuckin fell in love with her,” he calls me out.
I toss my wrapper in the nearby trashcan. “Doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone and I have a fight to train for.”
“I would believe that if you were actually training, and not bullshitting on the treadmill like you’re training for a marathon and not the heavyweight belt.”
Now I’m glaring at him. I don’t need to talk about how I feel, it’s not going to make everything better, and it damn sure won’t bring Madison back.
“Grab your helmet and gloves. Meet me in the ring in five.” I push my chair back with a loud screech. I need to release some steam and Chris doesn’t r
ealize he just volunteered himself.
Five minutes later I’m suited up and standing across from Chris in the ring. He thinks I’m moping around and not training? Well now he has me training.
The words. “Go” barely leave his mouth when my arms start swinging, my left hook sending him to the ground.
“Get your ass up.” I smirk. He gives me a smile before hopping back up taking his stance.
I sidestep and dodge his swing sending my right fist into the side of his face.
I’m feeling pumped now. “Let’s go!”
Before he can react I throw a quick combo.
Left, left, right, uppercut, cross. Knock out. He falls back with a thud.
Shit, I kneel next him on the mat. After slapping his face a few times, he comes to blinking wildly.
“What the fuck man,” Chris groans slipping off his helmet. “How the fuck did you knock me out with this shit on?”
I laugh. “You’ll live, bro.” I help him up.
He pulls out a folded paper from his gym shorts. “Good luck.”
I take the paper confused, but when I look back at Chris he’s already out of the ring walking toward the locker room.
Curious, I unfold the paper. My heart stops. How the hell did he manage to get this?
Question is what do you plan on doing with it? My mind asks.
Honestly, at this moment I had no idea.
This was crazy.
I have officially lost my mind, along with my heart.
I read the note one more time.
Asshole,
You hurt my best friend, but part of me knows you really fell for her.
She might not see it right now, and I shouldn’t be doing this so don’t
fuck it up.
20 E. 76th St.
New York City, NY 10021
Apt 7
-Chelsea
I fold it up and slide in my back pocket. My nerves are everywhere. I feel like I’m going to throw up and pass out.
Just when I’m about to say fuck it the overhead mic comes on.
“All passengers on flight 7018 to New York City, we are now boarding,” the desk clerk says over the speaker.
Slowly standing I swing my carry-on on my shoulder. This was it. I caught the first flight to New York after I left the gym earlier.
It’s now or never.
Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy
His fingers gently trail down my inner thigh. “Baby doll” His voice is a soft whisper against my ear.
The room is dark, the only light coming from the glow of the city below us.
Yoel’s lips find mine, kissing me deeply as his fingers slip inside me, making me moan.
“So wet, baby. I love how wet you get.” His lips trail down to my neck, breaking our kiss.
I can’t speak, just moan when I feel him settle between my legs. His swollen tip pushes against my entrance.
“Please.” I beg arching my back off the bed.
“No need to beg, baby doll. I’m going to take care of you.”
His hand grips my hip and he slams into me…..
I shoot up in my bed with sweat forming on my forehead. Holy shit, I was dreaming. Taking deep breaths I slid out of bed and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water.
The sun was already streaming through the window blinds. What time was it? I find the time on the cable box. It’s ten in the morning. Damn, I slept in. I wanted to get up early and get familiar with the city, guess that would have to wait.
I gulp down the water and try to clear my mind from the dream. I’m dreaming about him now? Clearly part of me wasn’t ready to let go.
After staring at my boxes of clothes I decided not to even bother leaving the house since I can feel myself slipping back into a stupid depression. How did I let myself become so attached? When did this even happen? We had an affair, but I stupidly let myself feel like it was more. No. It was an affair to me, to him I was just a game.
A fucking game.
I grab the unfinished wine bottle from last night. Great, I turned into a wine-o, better than tossing back jager bombs which got me into this mess. Blame it on the alcohol and all.
Just as I’m about to settle on the couch and sulk in my pathetic sadness there’s a knock on the door.
Great. Who can that be? I just moved in last night. Glancing down to my short pajama set, I shrug shuffling to the door.
I didn’t order anything. Curiously I open the door without checking the peephole.
Damn it, I should have checked.
Yoel is standing in front of me with tired eyes, wearing jeans and a hoodie. How the hell? His hair was a mess, as if he has been running his fingers through it for hours.
“What are you doing here?” I finally ask. ”How do you know where I live?”
He shifts on his feet. “Are you going to invite me in or are we doing this out here?” He ignores my questions, not making eye contact with me.
I weigh this. Do I really want my neighbors to know my business? No. Not really. I side step to let him in and close the door. Leaning against the closed door I watch him look around my apartment and back to me.
“How are you here, and why?” I ask again.
He shifts on his feet again. He actually looks nervous. I have never seen him like this before. Usually he screams confidence. Now he just looks as lost as me. But you don’t care, remember?
“Yoel, what are you doing here?” I ask again, more softly.
His brown eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry.” It’s barely a whisper.
Crossing my arms I cock an eyebrow. “You’re sorry.” I laugh out. “Sorry for what. Using me?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Yoel says softly.
“Then how was it. You lied to me this whole time. You looked me in my eyes and promised you didn't know who I was!” Was he serious right now?
“Yes, it started out as that. I admit it.” He takes a deep breath. “But it was more than that, Madison. I know you feel it too.” His eyes are pleading with me, but I can't cave. “We have something.” He steps to me, reaching to touch my face.
I move my head before he can make contact and I see the hurt in his eyes. But I'm hurt too. He doesn’t get to be sad! He did this, not me. He doesn’t get to destroy me and act like this is killing him too.
“No. What we had was a beautiful lie, Yoel.” A tear falls from my eye. Traitor tear. “What we had was a beautiful false illusion.”
He takes a step back, his eyebrows drawing together. “You don't mean that, Madison. We were anything but an illusion.” He hits his chest above his heart. “It was real.” His voice breaks.
Shaking my head I open the door and step aside. I look up to see him standing right next to me. I have to force myself to look away.
“You need to leave.” My voice holds no conviction.
Yoel steps in front of me. His fingers trace my jaw lifting my chin to look at him.
“I know you need time, fuck, baby doll. I'm so sorry.” His eyes are locked on mine.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Just tell the truth.
Without breaking eye contact he shakes his head and my heart brakes even more. I wasn’t even worth the truth.
“No, because I would lose you, just like I already lost you.”
I close my eyes, tears fighting to break free of my lids. I feel his breath on my cheek.
“You have no idea what you mean to me, Madison. I know you're hurt and upset. I know you need space, and I'll give you that,” he pauses, his lips gently against me. “But please don't give up on me yet.”
Just like that I felt his warmth leave my space and the door closes with a soft click. He was gone. I wrap my arms around myself as my body shakes, tears breaking free. I slide to the floor trying to catch my breath between my cries.
“It hurts so much,” I whisper into the empty room.
Why does it hurt so much?
Damn it Chelsea why couldn’t you wait until my heart was at least half way he
aled before sending him to my door?
After what felt like a lifetime I pick myself off the floor and decide that My bed will be a better place to drink myself into a coma. Picking up the wine bottle and slowly walk back to my bedroom where I will stay until I’m all cried out.
I hook up my iPod to the speakers and put on the playlist with all the sad songs I downloaded yesterday. Damien Rice’s soulful voice fills the room as I climb in bed taking a gulp from the wine bottle, tears freely flowing. How dare he show up here. I just want to forget. Forget the feel of his touch, the smell of his scent. I just want to forget the way he made me feel.
Maybe it was real. My mind tries to convince me.
“It couldn’t have been real,” I whisper.
Definitely couldn’t have been real.
Let Her Go- Passenger
Walking away from Madison was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I knew I needed to do it. She was breaking in front of me and when she moved from my touch I knew I had to leave her alone. I have done too much damage. She needs space, space that will kill me to give her. The plane ride back to Vegas was like a slow death. All I could think about was her and where everything went wrong. What I could have, should have done. When she asked if I ever planned on telling her the truth I realized I wouldn’t have because in my mind the plans changed, the truth was suppose to never come out, but I couldn’t lie to her again.
What we had wasn’t a conventional relationship, but this does sure feel like a break-up. A really bad break-up. Madison packed up her shit and disappeared. Away from me. Far away from me.
She left Marcus too.
Fuck Marcus. He didn’t deserve her anyway.
The noise of the blender snaps me out of my thoughts. I’m pretty sure my protein shake with fruit is well blended now.
It has been two days since I left Madison in New York and I was still as down as I was the night she left the party. A part of me was definitely missing and I didn’t know how to feel about that, only that I wanted my girl back.
