by Mia Ford
“Okay,” Brianna said confused. “So, what’s the problem?”
“He felt that way because Tanner took him to lunch yesterday and told him about his feelings for me,” I said. “He didn’t even warn me that he had done that.”
“And you are angry over this,” she said without emotion.
“Of course, I am,” I scoffed. “He immediately went out and betrayed my trust again.”
“Ava,” she said with a sigh. “You need to get your shit together. Tanner didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just mad because you don’t have any more excuses.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Yes, you do,” she said. “You are being a pussy, and the longer your father is upset with Tanner, the longer you can wait to tell him exactly how you feel about him. You’re scared. But Ava, your fear is completely ruining your life.”
“What am I supposed to do? This was not in my plans,” I said with emotion.
“When is love ever in the plans? You need to tell Tanner how you feel, lay it all out for him, and then see where the chips fall,” she said. “Stop being so scared. it’s your biggest hindrance. Everyone who knows you knows that. You’re just too scared to see it yourself.”
We talked for a few more minutes before hanging up. I sat up in the bed and replayed her words over in my head, chuckling arrogantly as I attempted to blame away her response. However, as the thoughts of how I handled us that whole time played in the back of my mind, I realized that she might be right. Maybe I didn’t spill my guts every time I had a feeling, but that was what was keeping me going. I had amazing walls that even Tanner couldn’t completely knock down. The problem was, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let that guard down.
Chapter 31
Tanner
So much for Sunday fun day as I hadn’t heard from Ava at all. I woke up in the morning and took a shower, checking my phone several times to see if she had called. I went out into the kitchen and cooked myself an omelet and some toast. When I was done eating, I took my coffee in the living room and decided to try to distract myself by watching some Sunday morning cartoons. It was my dirty little secret. I was never allowed to watch them as a kid, so even though they were terribly boring, I almost always put them on as an adult, even if they were in the background.
That morning I was staring right at the screen, but they were still in the background. Dean and I had really hashed things out at lunch two days prior, and I felt better about our relationship. He had given me his blessing on dating Ava, but I figured it was important that she talk to him herself. On Saturday, I kept my phone on but never heard anything from Ava. I ended up going into work and getting caught up on things I had neglected over the past couple of weeks, assuming that by the evening I would have word but still nothing from her. To say that I was frustrated was an understatement, and I wanted to text her but I didn’t want to bother her if she was with her family.
I was sure, by that point, that Ava would have contacted me, letting me know that she had spoken with Dean and that she had gotten the same blessing. Having not heard from her, I could only assume that her silence meant she hadn’t yet told him. I was a little bit irritated by this fact, but at the same time, she knew what she was doing when it came to her father. I needed to start trusting that Ava was going to be honest with me like we had promised each other. At that point, there was no reason to even start lying to each other. Things had finally slowed down and calmed down, which meant my focus would soon return, and Ava and I could have a real relationship.
I finished my coffee and stood up, walking over to the window and looking out at the foggy New York morning. It was starting to get bitingly cold outside, but instead of turning on the heat, I went and changed into a sweatshirt and slippers. Having a top floor penthouse had its ups and downs, and when it got cold, my apartment seemed to be freezing. However, as the sun would peek out, my apartment also seemed to heat up better than any other I had experienced. It was a double-edged sword. Either way, the cold only distracted me for a minute, and when Ava came back to my mind, I decided it would be best if I just called her.
I dialed her number and walked back in the living room, sitting down on the couch. She answered on the second ring, but instead of her normal sunshine self, I was greeted with a grumpy tone. Immediately, her tone of voice made me know that something was wrong, but I had no idea what it could be. She sat there quietly on the phone, waiting for me to say something. I didn’t want to upset her but it was more than a little frustrating to have back in another bad mood, avoiding me at every turn.
“How are you this morning?”
“Fine,” she said with a monotone voice.
“Just fine?”
“Look, I have things to do,” she said with irritation. “Do you need something specific?”
“No,” I said bitterly. “I was just calling to see what was going on, I hadn’t talked to you in a couple of days.”
“Everything is fine, Tanner,” she replied. “If there’s nothing else, I’m going to go.”
Okay, I had had enough of this shit. I was constantly turning the corner and having the wind knocked out of me for something else that Ava found irritating. It was like she didn’t realize the world didn’t revolve around her. Everyone was different, had different lives, and different interests, but she was acting as if everyone thought the same way she did. It was extremely frustrating when she would get angry, and I had no idea what was going on.
“What is up with you?” I no longer could play the good guy.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said sarcastically. “Maybe the fact that promises to be truthful to each other mean absolutely nothing.”
“Okay, what are you talking about?” I asked.
“You had lunch with my father before I even could get him on the phone,” she said. “You talked to him about us, and then you didn’t even extend the courtesy to let me know what he’d said. I looked like an idiot when I brought us up. We had just had a whole conversation about no more lies or holding things from each other, and you did it anyway.”
I was pissed—no, beyond pissed—because she was doing it again. She was thinking of every possible reason to get out of having a normal conversation about a relationship. She had built her walls up so high that she was nothing more than a bitter woman who was running full steam away from her past. The problem was, she was trying to make me her past, and I wasn’t willing to make that happen without a fight. Her tone of voice told me she was looking for a fight, and if that were the case, I could easily give it to her. In reality, though, I needed her to understand what she was doing, because in her mind it seemed to be a protective instinct. On the outside, she was just angry and pushing and pulling me back and forth, depending on where her fear and emotions were landing that day.
“I’ve had enough,” I snipped.
“What?”
“You know what I think?” I took a deep breath and knew this was dangerous territory. “I think you’re a coward, a woman who is too afraid to be happy so you sabotage relationships. I think you are looking for every minute excuse to break it off with me. You want to be with me, but you’re picking fights because you’re scared. Well, I refuse to be the guy that falls for your anger. I am going to sit through this with you, and in the end, you’re going to see that I care, but you’re making it really hard for me to have empathy for you.”
“Excuse me?” She was pissed.
“Ava, I love you, but you’re pushing me away every chance you get,” I said angrily. “You should be glad I went to your father first. Otherwise, he would have been still pissed at me when you revealed your feelings. I didn’t want to take away from an understanding with your father, so I waited to tell you. I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t relay information to you at a speed in which you were comfortable.”
“I don’t need this,” she said angrily.
“You don’t need what? Me? A normal life? A successful career?” I stepped up the tone
of my voice. “What do you want, Ava? You want me to be honest, so there you have it. You are terrified of a real relationship, and until you can stop yourself from sabotaging everything good in your life, you are going to be miserable.”
With that I hung up, not wanting to fight with her any longer. She was not going to admit to me that I was right. She wasn’t even going to admit to herself that I was right. How was I supposed to have a relationship with a woman who did everything she could to come up with excuses why she couldn’t be in a relationship? Every time she did it, my heart sunk a little lower. Everything was supposed to turn out right, everything had turned out right, but now Ava was sabotaging it because she was terrified of having everything that she wanted. With her and I as a couple, she would have the family life she wanted, the career she wanted, the family closeness she wanted, and she would be able to handle it all with laughter and humor. Instead, she was pushing everything extra to the side and just making it way harder than it needed to be. I was starting to get angry over it all, but who knew what had been said during her meeting with her father.
I doubted very strongly that Dean would go behind my back, but I also knew Dean would have told her I met him for lunch. Sure, I could have told her about it right away, but I was trying to respect her space and give her the opportunity to talk to her father before any decisions were made. I picked my phone back up and scrolled through the numbers, landing on Dean’s name. I wanted to know what he told her, ask him if he had changed his mind, and figure out just how to fix all of it.
“Hello,” Dean said happily.
“Hey, brother,” I replied with a sigh.
“Uh oh, what happened?”
“I need to ask you a question,” I said.
“Shoot,” he said. “I’ll try to answer you the best way possible.”
“Ava is pissed at me for talking to you at lunch,” I said. “I was hoping you could tell me what, if anything, you talked about with her over lunch. Anything you can think of that may have sent her over the deep end.”
“Nothing,” Dean said. “We talked about life, and I told her that she had my blessing for starting a relationship with you. Other than that, we didn’t really talk about anything. Why?”
“I just got a call from her pissed at me because I talked to you before her,” I replied. “I wanted her to be able to make up her own mind without influence from our conversation. It seems that was the wrong thing to do, and now she’s pushing me away for yet another project.”
“I’m sorry, man,” Dean said. “I wish I could help you, but I have no idea why she is acting that way.”
“It’s alright,” I said. “Thanks for giving it a try.”
I hung up the phone with Dean and sat back down on the couch, trying to think about what my next move should be. I was extremely disappointed that Ava didn’t tell me that her father had given her the blessing as well. Now, it almost seemed like she didn’t want anything to do with me. She had read into something that happened and instead of coming to me and asking questions, she lost her nuts and bolts on me, trying to keep herself a safe distance from me. I thought for sure that once her father agreed to feel okay with us being together, she would jump right into growing and strengthening our relationship. I was wrong though, and now I was left feeling just as bad as before.
Dean had tried to be helpful, but he was tired, and hadn’t been there when she and I had talked, so he didn’t see what I saw on a daily basis. She would pull me in and then throw me backward, wishing for calmness and normality, but when she was offered the chance, she ran in the opposite direction. I loved this woman, and I wanted to be with her, but things had to change, loosen up a bit. She had to start listening to her heart instead of her brain, which seemed to be too much for her. Maybe too much to take the second chance we’d been gifted.
Chapter 32
Ava
Mondays were always the worst, especially when you spent your Sunday getting chewed out by the guy you loved because you couldn’t get your shit together enough to allow yourself to be happy. Monday mornings were the worst when you opened your tired eyes to the bright sun coming in your window or the loud as hell alarm that was asking to be thrown across the room. Monday cab rides to work were the worst because you just wanted to sleep while you sat in traffic, but the cab always smelled like egg sandwiches or stale coffee and cigarettes. Mondays at work were the worst because you had to pretend to be awake while being dragged into meetings and being expected to be coherent enough to answer questions about work you spent the last two and half days desperately trying to forget.
That Monday, the one I woke up feeling like I had been told more about myself in a couple sentences, than I had learned about myself in twenty-five years, was the worst one yet. When I got to the office, I struggled through answering emails, making sure I didn’t misspell too many words and I didn’t fall asleep writing it. No matter how much sleep you got on Sunday night, you were always dragging ass on Mondays. Then, I had to go sit in a meeting, headed by Tanner where I felt completely disconnected. I was nervous as hell, knowing I had to face him after having a breakdown over the logistics of telling my father about us. I couldn’t focus on anything he was saying, and my mind had drifted so far off-kilter, I forgot every few minutes that I was sitting in the conference room.
“Do you have those prepared, Ava?” I could hear Tanner’s voice, but it was still in the background of my thoughts. It took him saying my name again to snap me back to the present. “Ava?”
“Oh,” I said sitting up in the chair and looking around at everyone staring at me. “Yes, I mean no. I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson, could you repeat that question?”
I felt like a complete moron, and while everyone else was giggling under their breath at my lack of concentration, Tanner was looking at me with concern. I had always been the one with the spunk and alertness on Mondays to answer the questions with an overabundance of knowledge. However, that day, I wasn’t even sure I remembered what my name was. I was completely overwhelmed again, but this time, it wasn’t over a lie or a commitment issue, it was over the fact that I was self-sabotaging, trying to force myself to only care about the business and sneak out of relationships as fast as I could get into them.
“Sure,” he said, nodding his head. “Can you come up and explain your change management board.”
“Of course,” I said, standing from my chair and straightening my skirt.
I walked up to the front and took the power point clicker from Tanner’s hand. He stood there for a minute, looking at me before taking a seat to the side. I hated when he watched me at work. It was like having your teacher stare you down during a presentation. I fumbled with the power clicker for a moment until I got my slide up on the screen. The other employees didn’t seem to notice since they all were plagued by this Monday hell as well. I cleared my throat and began to explain the different stages of change management that we were going to be implementing in the financial division over the next six weeks. There was going to be a merger of employees, a merger of ideas, and a merger of the business as a whole. It was going to be extensive and overwhelming for many, but the CFO and I had worked diligently to make a plan that would create a stepping stone for both new and old employees alike.
I went through every step, ignoring Tanner as he followed along on the screen. The financial side of the meeting all paid close attention while the marketing side seemed to daze out without much thought. The change would affect them in some ways, but not nearly as much as the financial sector would see it. They were going to get the brunt of it all. When I was done, I went back to my seat and tried to pay attention for the remainder of the meeting. Everyone pretty much bolted when the meeting was over, and it left me alone with Tanner in the conference room as I packed up my bag. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, gathering his things and glancing over at me.
I wanted so badly to tell him the truth right then and there, but that fear was back and it was burning at me like a fire. I put the
last of my things away and stood up, straightening the chairs and turning to walk toward the door. I wanted him to stop me, but I didn’t want to make it obvious.
“Ava,” Tanner said, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief.
“Yes,” I said, turning back around.
“You okay?”
“Yes, why?”
“You were really distracted during that meeting,” he said motioning to where I was sitting. “What were you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I said, picking up my things. “I mean not nothing, but nothing you want to hear.”
I took in a deep breath and turned back, sitting on the edge of the table as he cleared the computer and turned off the power. It was the only meeting we would have that day, and I was really happy about that. Meetings should be canceled on all Mondays. I thought about his question and my answer, and I cringed, realizing I gave him that typical answer of nothing when it was most definitely something. I had lied, just like I wasn’t supposed to do. There was way more than nothing going on upstairs, but I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. I didn’t know where the boundaries were. I didn’t know if I could piece the issues together enough to understand, and I didn’t know if he really actually wanted to listen.
I had so many emotions rolling around in my chest, and I wanted to scream how much I cared about him, but I was terrified at what he would say. What if I confessed my feelings and he walked away? What if I had read him wrong the entire time? I was so nervous, I could barely get my speech out and that was memorized. If I had to put together an understanding of how I felt about him at the spur of a moment, I knew it would come out completely wrong. I could tell by the look on his face, though, that he did not like the answer one little bit. I cleared my throat.
