Trust Too Much

by Jayne Bauling

  ‘You, Fee? You could never be inadequate in any company!’ He was openly sceptical and slightly flirtatious, eyes resting appreciatively on her straight, simple crimson dress for a moment before he grew more thoughtful. ‘Although it’s so recently that you were an agonisingly shy teenager that I suppose you do still remember.’

  Right now, she felt just like that teenager again, shy and unequal to the expectations of sophisticated adults such as Simon, knowing she lacked the savoir-faire to behave like one herself in all but the least demanding situations, and desperately afraid of mistaking innocence for design—but even more terrified of making the opposite mistake.

  It was all too familiar. She and Vance Sheldon had travelled up in a lift together like this, talking about the evening just behind them; and then the luxurious rooms Maynah Norman had booked months ago were next to each other here too, although separated by a good solid wall devoid of any doors. Fee had made very sure of that earlier.

  The tension that was building up so relentlessly within her could no longer be contained when they reached her door and Simon moved her gently aside and took her key from her.

  ‘No!’ Wildly unthinking, she tried to push him out of the way again. ‘You can’t—’

  ‘God, woman, what the hell is the matter with you now?’ Simon demanded furiously, eyes blazing until he absorbed the horror in hers. ‘Fee?’

  She stared at him in appalled realisation, her eyes like bruises in her pale face. What was wrong with her? This was Simon—

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I’m over-reacting!’ The words emerged punctuated by little gasping sighs. ‘It’s not you, Simon. It’s just that everything keeps reminding me—the way you worked when we came over, and coming up in the lift, and the rooms—and I dreamt about it last night.’

  ‘Reminding you of what?’ His eyes held hers relentlessly.

  ‘Of Mr Sheldon…’ Her voice died away to a whisper and she was shaking.

  ‘And the memory can do this to you? Do you still

  want—? But no, you were afraid!’ Simon registered,

  adding almost urgently, ‘What did Sheldon do to you, Fee?’

  ‘In the end he didn’t do anything.’ Her little laugh was faint and brittle. ‘He couldn’t because I screamed and ran out of the room.’

  Simon stared at her for a moment, absorbing it. Then he said firmly, ‘And I’m not going to do anything to you either, but you’re not going to have to scream or run way to prevent me, because I’m not going to touch you. I am coming in with you, though, because I want to know what happened and I’m not prepared to stand out here in the corridor while you tell me.’

  Having made such a fool of herself, Fee wasn’t prepared to compound it, and she allowed him to follow her in, turning to face him as he closed the door again.

  ‘It was mostly my fault,’ she vouchsafed bitterly.

  ‘Tell me.’

  Simon dealt in facts and, unlike nearly everyone else, he didn’t instantly attempt to reassure her or insist on her innocence without giving her a chance to explain, something she found unexpectedly refreshing.

  ‘The details are pretty much those that appeared in the Press except that the interpretation placed on them missed the truth. For instance, they thought what happened in Perth was the end of an affair after a screaming row in a hotel room, but Mr Sheldon had thought that night was going to be the start of an affair.’ Pausing, Fee swallowed painfully. ‘I was so stupid! He would invite his real assistant out socially several times a year, so when he asked me to the races I was pleased because I believed it meant he regarded me as part of the team. But I was his only guest and not even his wife or grown-up children were there. I was a bit uneasy because he kept touching me, but I didn’t want to be like those women who read something lecherous into even the most innocent situations and I decided it was just because he was relaxing, away from the office, and drinking quite a lot of champagne. That’s when the Press first got interested, wondering who I was, and apparently they started hinting about his having an affair right after that, but I don’t read that kind of news usually, otherwise I might have started being suspicious, especially as he was taking much more notice of me at work, stopping to talk and asking me about my life away from the office…Then Miss Betancourt took some of her leave and there was this conference in Perth. I thought he’d go alone, but he asked me to accompany him and, like a fool, I was flattered, and hopeful, because I knew he had to approve of me if I was going to replace Miss Betancourt when she retired. He worked on the flight to Perth and when we arrived there was a gala dinner so I hardly had time to look at my hotel room, but when we got back—there was a communicating door to the next room and he came through almost at once…’

  ‘It’s all right, I can guess this bit,’ Simon said expressionlessly as Fee paused, flushing, still missing most of her composure.

  ‘Yes,’ she confirmed gratefully. ‘But he couldn’t accept it, so I screamed as loudly as I could and he got such a shock that I was able to get away and out into the corridor. I think I was a bit hysterical because it’s all mixed up in my mind now, but some reporters were hanging around; they’d recognised me from the race-meeting…He’d torn my dress and it was all over the papers the next day, but written up as a lovers’ quarrel. Mr Sheldon was furious. He fired me that same night, right in front of all those reporters, and the hotel management found me another room—and then the next day he tried to take it back and make me go back to work for him…I couldn’t! I did go to the office in Sydney one time when Miss Betancourt was back and she promised me he wouldn’t be in that day, because she wanted to explain that I had the right to take some kind of action, but I didn’t want the publicity it would bring. That day was horrible, though, I was nervous the whole time I was there…’

  Fee’s voice died away as she remembered the feeling, the confidence she had spent four years acquiring newly shattered, because she had been so wrong about so much, and her previous belief in her ability to take care of herself seemed like self-deception.

  ‘And then he started phoning you?‘ Simon prompted, and Fee couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

  ‘Yes, because he wanted to restore his…his public standing. People were saying things, writing things to his discredit because he’d fired me so publicly, and even if it had been because I’d ended an affair, as they all thought, it was still viewed as unfair dismissal. It was awful in Australia.’ She sighed shakily. ‘There were always reporters; they’d found out where I lived and they’d all shout at me at once, trying to persuade me to tell my story. They even offered me money. Although he’d always been respected before, Mr Sheldon isn’t popular, you see. When he started phoning, he wanted me to help him smooth it all over by going back to work as if nothing had happened; then people would start thinking it had all been a storm in a teacup, a real lovers’ quarrel with lots of noise and no real content. I don’t think he cared about my rejecting him so much as he did—does about the publicity. There were even cartoons. He blames me, of course, but also some of his rivals, other financiers and the like, for alerting the Press, setting him up, but I think it was simpler than that. He’s a famous man and the public like to see famous people caught out, so they were probably after him purely in their own interests, but I think he has got a bit of a persecution complex.’

  ‘How can you sound so understanding?’ Simon suddenly exploded disgustedly. ‘And the way you keep calling him Mr Sheldon, as if you still respected him! When he did that to you!’

  ‘It’s how I mostly thought of him,’ Fee defended herself bleakly. ‘He’s fifty years old. That’s why it never occurred to me that he might…that he might—’

  ‘All men might, Fee,’ Simon advised her harshly. ‘God, you simply didn’t think, did you? I’ve never heard of anyone so stupidly trusting.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve learnt from the experience,’ she asserted savagely, beginning to feel stronger now.

  ‘Too well, judging by the
way you over-reacted to my attempt to open the door for you just now.’

  ‘I know, I told you, it was all just so similar—’

  ‘The circumstances were entirely different,’ he claimed arrogantly.

  Fee saw the temper glinting in his eyes, but she was starting to feel angry again herself. Why had she told him so much, going into detail about the fool she had made of herself?

  ‘I couldn’t know for sure that they were,’ she pointed out heatedly. ‘Especially after some of the things you’ve said to me, even if you’ve changed your mind by now, and the way you manipulated me into going out to dinner with you that Saturday—’

  ‘If you were so suspicious of me, why haven’t you told me all this before?’ Simon demanded. ‘As a warning if nothing else, to let me know that you were on your guard?’

  ‘Because I felt a fool!’ she flared defiantly.

  ‘I’m not surprised,’ he conceded brutally, but then he seemed to relent slightly. ‘All right, I’m not saying I might not have made a pass at you if I’d felt the impulse since this isn’t strictly office hours—’

  ‘Exactly! So you see—’

  ‘But in no way am I like Vance Sheldon, Fee.’

  Simon’s voice was tight and hard, the words oddly jerky. With a shock, Fee realised that he was actually trying to control his temper; it was unexpected in a man as self-indulgent as he was, not usually given to bothering to restrain his impulses.

  Inevitably, she began to feel contrite.

  ‘Well, perhaps you aren’t entirely,’ she conceded in a breathless rush. ‘Since at least you can control your temper—’

  ‘Only with the greatest difficulty right this minute, darling,’ he assured her sardonically.

  ‘—although I still remember an occasion when you couldn’t manage it,’ Fee concluded, eyes darkening with the memory.

  ‘You never will forget, will you? But do you really see me as a corrupt, conniving would-be seducer of reluctant women?’ Simon pursued. ‘Fee, I have never in my life attempted to force myself on an unwilling woman.’

  ‘Since most of them are probably only too willing,’ she quipped, disturbed by his increasing tension. ‘And where one isn’t, there are probably a hundred who are. All right, you’re not like Mr Sheldon there, but probably only because he isn’t really attractive to women. You are.’

  With typical suddenness, all signs of temper vanished and he gave her a challenging glance. ‘To you?’

  Fee’s eyes flashed in response to the flirtatious note. ‘Simon—’

  ‘All right, Fee.’ Equally abruptly, he was serious, and she stiffened warily as he moved towards her. ‘I’m well aware that the circumstances are actually too similar to those you experienced with Sheldon for you to be comfortable with me right now.’

  ‘Don’t,’ she muttered as he lifted both hands to the sides of her face, his touch warm and light.

  ‘I’m not,’ he returned drily. ‘I just want to make sure you know where you stand since obviously that’s important to you. You stand exactly where you did before, your rules still apply to working hours if you insist and fall into abeyance out of them, but we’ll call a moratorium on that side until we get back to Hong Kong, so you can sleep soundly and get rid of those shadows under your eyes. I won’t be knocking on your door tonight. That’s how far you can trust me. Goodnight.’

  The brush of his lips across her brow was the lightest of touches, and yet she still felt it when he had gone, and she discovered that her trembling no longer had anything to do with stress. Instead it was the trembling of weakness and surrender.

  He had told her how far she could trust him, but that wasn’t very far—assuming he was still contemplating some sort of affair with her. He hadn’t actually confirmed or denied it in so many words. If he wasn’t, she had just made a colossal fool of herself.

  ‘I thought you’d regret giving me the rest of the day off.’ Fee was drily resigned, having just opened the door of her flat in response to Simon’s knock. ‘But ten o’clock on a Friday night, Simon?’

  They had got back from Macau that afternoon. Characteristically, Simon had headed straight for the office, the only surprise his insistence that she go home.

  He shook his head, laughing at her with his eyes.

  ‘This is a social call.’ Seeing the way her face closed defensively, he added lightly, ‘Trust me, Fee.’

  ‘Come in and have a drink, then,’ she invited him with a cool little smile, allowing just a trace of reluctance to shade her voice. ‘I was watching a movie.’

  Acutely aware of how much vulnerability she had betrayed with her over-reaction the night before, she was determined to maintain her composure in his presence at all times in future, and not appear to be reading too much into his erratic personal interest.

  Talking about work, he followed her into the kitchen and then the lounge, sitting down beside her on the couch from which she had been watching the movie on television. Unable to help herself, Fee stirred restlessly as he stretched out his long legs and leaned back in a relaxed attitude, one arm lying along the back of the couch behind her head.

  She glanced at him and found his face turned towards her. He gave her a lazily intimate smile, suggestive of shared secrets.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked her idly.

  ‘Nothing,’ Fee lied irritably and returned her gaze determinedly to the television screen.

  Simon watched for a minute too before saying, ‘I’ve seen this before. It’s not bad.’

  ‘Don’t tell me what happens!’ she urged quickly.

  She had been about to offer to switch it off, but if he had seen it before perhaps he would get bored and leave.

  Simon laughed softly. ‘I’ll never spoil anything for you, sweetheart…No sign of Warren Bates, even on a Friday night?’

  ‘He did ask me out, but I said no.’

  Fee wasn’t sure what had prompted her to tell him that. She only knew that his presence, along with his casual attitude, was filling her with an odd churning resentment.

  After several phone calls from Warren, she had discovered sadly that they had very little to talk about, partly because he tended to lecture, eschewing the give and take of normal conversation, and she knew she wouldn’t enjoy an evening out in his rather jumpily uptight company.

  Simon looked mildly curious, but almost immediately another deeply complex expression crossed his face, before ordinary complacency finally replaced it.

  ‘Because I’m the only man you want?’

  Rigid with tension, Fee sensed the slight movement of the arm behind her just before she felt a light hand against her head, fingers twining in her loose shining curls. He was too near; not only his hand but the warmth of him seemed to reach out and touch her, and she was also aware of the pleasant scent of his aftershave.

  ‘You said I could trust you,’ she protested tightly, her resolve never to over-react again instantly forgotten.

  Simon was utterly unabashed, although he did drop his hand to the back of the couch after a few seconds. ‘You can. Relax, sweetheart.’

  But she couldn’t, and nor could she look at Simon, but lowering her eyes made her feel even more disturbed as she saw the rapid way in which her breasts rose and fell beneath the black T-shirt she was wearing with her jeans.

  She had lost track of the film’s plot, but she pretended to be absorbed and Simon sat quietly beside her, apparently engrossed. Fee couldn’t concentrate, acutely conscious of him sitting so shamelessly close to her, touching her hair every so often and smiling occasionally if she risked a glance at him. Those smiles disturbed her even more; they were so warmly intimate, the accompanying gleam in his eyes promising all sorts of erotic delights.

  Once he dropped his arm from the back of the couch to Fee’s shoulders, pulling her close in a single swift movement.

  ‘There’s something about sitting primly side by side on a couch instead of stretched out horizontally that reminds me of my earliest teenage romancing,
’ he murmured outrageously into her ear.

  For a weak moment, Fee knew an urge to lean against him as his warm breath drifted across her cheek. He was so strong, so hard that she felt sheltered and safe held there in the curve of his arm, and yet wildly excited at the same time, her body stirring inwardly, her heart thundering. Her head was drooping, seeking the comfort of his shoulder, before she found the strength to jerk away.

  ‘Can you really remember that far back?’ she demanded with mock-incredulity, but he only laughed.

  ‘I spoke to Charles earlier,’ he mentioned after watching the television screen for a minute or two. ‘He says there has been just one further call from Sheldon since the one you took that time I was at the house…What’s wrong?’

  Simon frowned as he observed the spark of anger that had appeared in Fee’s eyes.

  ‘I didn’t know,’ she said tautly, her face suddenly shadowed.

  ‘Because you weren’t told? Those people!’ Simon exploded furiously, making Fee jump. ‘I’m going to tell them—make sure they accept it once and for all! You’re not a baby, and you’d feel a damned sight better about it all if you knew the score instead of being kept in the dark, just because they’re convinced you need protecting.’

  ‘Don’t interfere!’ Fee snapped. ‘Why were you talking to Charles about it anyway? You’re as bad as them. If I’ve got problems in my life, I’ll deal with them myself. I don’t need them to look after me, and I don’t need you, so stay out of it.’

  ‘Oh, yes, you coped with Sheldon so effectively, didn’t you, letting yourself in for all that distress?’ he taunted. ‘But I am not sheltering you, Fee. I’m telling you there was a call. Apparently Babs took it. She said he sounded drunk, and demanded your return, but he rang off when he realised she wasn’t you.’

  ‘Yes, he does drink.’ Fee controlled her resentment. ‘Not regularly, but when he does I’ve heard it’s a real binge, and it would have been getting on in the evening in Sydney that first time he rang here.’