by M. A. Lee
“Do all of your tattoos’s mean something?” I asked, intrigued.
Nodding his head yes, Jagger began pointing to the tribal tattoo I was just tracing. “This one I got when I first started working at the bike shop. It’s a tribal symbol for bravery and hard work. I was proud of myself for not falling into the life of gangs and drugs or allowing my mistakes to define me. This one,” he said as he pointed to his chest where he had a black crow with its wings spread far apart. “This signifies when I left home and began taking care of myself. I was a shit head and thought I knew it all. I had to spread my wings and figure everything out on my own.”
He paused and pointed to the red and orange flames that were shooting down his right arm. “I got these after Cole and Isaac’s wreck. I had left town for a while back then and when I heard what had happened, I came back home. I almost lost my friends. These flames remind me that your life can end and go up in flames in an instant. You have to enjoy the time you have.”
Rolling over, Jagger showed me his exposed back where a large dragon was shooting flames up to his neck. “This one I got when I turned eighteen. I was tired of taking shit from people and being told I wouldn’t amount to anything. Dragons are bad ass and tough. No one messes with a dragon,” he laughed.
“I love that each tattoo tells a story about your life,” I said.
Jagger was so much more than what he appeared to be. He was smart, sexy, and had grown through his experiences. I hoped one day I could be a strong on the outside as he was.
6
Jagger
Damn, this girl could be trouble.
From the moment I had met her, I knew I wanted her bad. Not just to sleep with her and wreck that sexy little body, but to keep her and save her.
Now, as I watch her sleep in my bed, cuddled in my sheets, I realize that I want nothing more than to keep her with me where I can make her smile all of the time.
It has never been my style to get swept away by a girl. I usually like to have my way with women then leave them before they can get attached. But, something about Lila had me wanting to be better for her and myself.
“What are you smiling at?” Lila asked as she rolled over and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.
Fuck, it was the cutest thing I had ever seen.
Rolling over, I moved a loose strand of hair out of her face. “I was just watching you sleep,” I said as I leaned down and kissed her.
After our kiss in the park, we had rushed back to my apartment. As much as I wanted to wait to sleep with Lila, I just couldn’t control my hunger for her any longer. I didn’t want her to think she was just some girl I fucked. She meant more to me than that. And, I probably should have been wondering if she thought of me as just some rebound from her ex-boyfriend.
But, I didn’t.
There was something in Lila’s eyes that told me she felt something for me. Even through her sass and sarcastic comments, I could care she cared for me deeply.
“I should probably get home,” Lila said as she sat up.
She was wearing my shirt and it was huge on her tiny frame. Again, everything she seemed to do was absolutely sexy and endearing.
“I will take you home, but first let me make you breakfast,” I said as I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to my small kitchen.
Laughing, Lila wrapped her arms around my neck.
Hearing that sound made me want to do anything and everything I could to make her continue to laugh like that. It was like music to my ears.
I knew Freddy would give me shit for this, especially when he learned that I had fucked her and torn her body in half. Freddy had already warned me not to piss off Lila. He was really into Tatum and didn’t want anything ruining his chances with keeping her. I had to tell him though. I knew Freddy was obsessed with Tatum- he would understand this.
After Lila left, I lay in bed surrounded by her scent. Images of us together flashed through my mind and I was both turned on and overpowered with a need to protect her. There was only one thing I could think of to show her how much she meant to me without scareing her off.
Grabbing my phone, I punched in the number for a guy named Lane who worked with me at the shop. He made custom bike helmets that were bad ass. Other than Isaac and Smalls, he was the only other guy who I would trust with my ink.
Answering with a grunt, Lane yelled my name. “Jagger, what are you up to?” he asked.
“Hey Lane, I have a favor,” I asked.
“Sure,” he said.
I had given Lane much of his business and anyone who I knew that needed a custom bike helmet, I always sent them his way.
“I need you to make me a new helmet,” I stated.
“What happened to the one I just did for you last month?” he asked.
“This one isn’t for me,” I added.
I could hear him smiling through the phone. As I began to tell him my ideas for a helmet for Lila, Lane listened intently.
When I was finished, he sat silently on the other end for way too long.
“This must be important. I’ve never known you to take a girl on your bike,” Lane said seriously.
“Well, this is important. I wont take her on it until I have this helmet. I need it now,” I said.
I gave him a few more directions and then hung up.
By this weekend, I would get to put Lila on my bike. As much as I wanted to feel her tight legs around my waist, I couldn’t put her on my bike until I knew she was safe. I had never cared about anything or anyone else the way I cared about her. Lila’s safety meant everything to me.
7
Lila
The next afternoon, I was still smiling as I thought about my night with Jagger. I had never been the type of girl to sleep with someone on a first date. Hell, I wasn’t even sure that Jagger and I had officially even had a date, but still- I had allowed myself to give in to my need for his body.
He had made me feel things I had never thought possible, and all we had done was kiss and talk. More importantly, being with him was the first night I had spent in my life where I wasn’t surrounded by noise.
“Where did you go last night?” Tatum asked as she sat down next to me at our kitchen table. Her eyes were questioning and her smile was devilish.
“Somewhere,” I teased knowing she was desperate for gossip and juicy details.
“Tell me,” she begged. “Freddy and I came back here and he did things to my body that I didn’t know were possible,” she said as she fell into the chair.
“Stop,” I kidded as I playfully smacked her arm. “We went back to Jagger’s apartment. We kissed and... had sex. It was amazing,” I smiled.
“Seriously! I am so happy you finally moved past Joel. Jagger is so hot. How was the sex?” Tatum screamed.
“It was fantastic,” I said as I sighed.
“I love seeing you like this,” Tatum smiled as she watched my face closely. “You are different,” she added.
Nodding my head, I smiled.
“I feel different,” I agreed.
“WELL, WHEN YOU GET off work later, we are going to go see the boys. They said they are having a cookout.”
Just as she mentioned it, my phone chimed with a text from Jagger.
Jagger: Hey, cookout tonight. I need you there.
Me: Tatum just told me.
Jagger: I better see your fine ass here soon.
Me: What if I don’t come?
Jagger: You always come...for me.
Me: We will be there!
An hour later, Tatum and I were walking into Jagger and Freddy’s apartment. My stomach was full of butterflies as I anticipated seeing Jagger again.
Spotting me, Jagger rushed over and picked me up, spinning me around in a circle.
“Put me down,” I teased.
Placing my feet back on the ground, Jagger kissed me. “I have been so lonely without you,” he teased.
“Really?” I asked. “We need to change that.”
Tatum did
n’t wait around to watch us flirt and kiss, she had already left me in search of Freddy.
As the music blared from the speakers and more people entered the apartment, Jagger and I found ourselves snuggling closer into the dark corners of the rooms.
“Hey, you want to go sit outside?” Jagger asked.
“Sure,” I said as followed him out the back door. They had a ground level apartment with a small patio space with a few chairs. We each took a seat.
Grabbing my hand, Jagger led me to a bench sitting on the small patio. We sat down and he pulled me close to him. With his arms wrapped around me, I felt so safe and warm.
“You are so beautiful,” Jagger stated as he moved a lose strand of my hair away from my face.
Blushing, I turned my head. “You already got me in bed, you don’t have to charm me now,” I teased.
“I’m not trying to charm you. It’s the truth,” he said.
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Jagger began. He looked nervous and I wasn’t sure I liked his tone.
“Ok,” I said.
“I overheard Freddy and Tatum talking the other night. They were talking about you,” he stopped and looked at me. His face tensed and I could tell this was difficult for him.
“What did they say?” I asked slowly.
Hesitating, Freddy looked at me with sad eyes. “Look, it’s none of my business. Please don’t be mad at them either. I heard Tatum crying. She was telling Freddy that a few years ago, you tried to kill yourself. I guess after your breakup with Joel. She was crying, but it was happy. She was telling Freddy that she was so happy to see you smile again and act so alive,” he finished and watched me carefully.
I sat there frozen, unsure of what to do or say. I hated that Tatum could share that part of my life with Freddy, but at the same time I understood too. Tatum caref for Freddy, she wanted to tell him her worries and fears.
At the same time though, I hated that she could so easily talk about me. I knew she worried, but not enough to talk to Freddy about it.
Now, I had to worry that Jagger would look at me differently. My wall came back up and the attitude I used to push people away came back with a vengeance.
“Look, I don’t know what you think you heard, but I am fine now. Tatum is just dramatic,” I said as I began to stand.
I knew a guy like Jagger wouldn’t want to deal with my crazy drama, it was time to leave.
Stopping me, Jagger grabbed my hand and pulled me back next to him.
“Stop, Lila. You are not going to run away,” he said with a demanding tone.
“Why? I am sure you think I am just some crazy chick with too much drama to handle,” I spit out.
“Stop,” Jagger yelled.
I was taken aback by his loudness and the commanding tone of his voice.
“Lila, I care about you and I know you care about me too. If you would just stop being so sassy and stubborn, you might see that I am not going anywhere,” he stated as he forced me to look at him.
“If you were depressed or had anxiety like Tatum told Freddy, then you weren’t in the right state of mind.”
“You don’t understand. Everyone thinks I am insane now. They all know I am depressed. Everyone judged me, silently condemned me for trying to hurt myself. Tatum was the only one who didn’t judge me or hate me. She was the only one who understood.
“Can I say something,” Jagger said, as he continued to stare at me with wide eyes.
Nodding my head yes, I felt my lips press together tightly. My heart felt like it was going to crumble in defeat. After confessing my most personal and horrid secret, Jagger was about to turn against me. I knew it was too good to be true to expect someone like Jagger to still see good in me after everything I had just told him. The brave comment was probably just to soften the blow of what was to come next. I shifted nervously in my seat as my lips began to tremble.
“I understand that desire and want to no longer be surrounded by hurt and pain,” Jagger added, a small smile appearing on his face. “In fact, I thought about hurting myself too when I was sixteen. But, Freddy found me and stopped me. He made me realize that while most people in my life didn’t care about me, he did. Just knowing I had one person in my life that needed me here was what kept me alive.”
I allowed his words to sink in. He knew how I felt. He could understand and relate. Guilt washed over me as I realized while he thought I was being completely honest, there were still things I hadn’t shared with him, or anyone else for that matter.
“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” I stated through my tears.
Breathing in a heavy breath, Jagger placed his hands behind his neck. He looked away from me, his face twisted in angst. “Please, anytime you have dark thoughts. Just call me. I will come talk with you or just be a support. Don’t ever hurt yourself again. You would destroy our lives,” he said with hurt filling his eyes.
Did he say us?
I knew he cared, but not to that level.
“I got you something,” Jagger said as he reached over and grabbed a box from behind his chair.
“For me?” I asked, shocked.
“Yes, I have been wanting to take you on my bike, but I want to make sure you are safe.”
I opened the box and found a beautiful, dark purple helmet. My name was written like silver flames on the back. This was the most incredible thing I had ever seen.
Looking at Jagger, I became speechless.
“Do you like it?” he asked nervously.
“I love it,” I exclamined. “This is the best gift I have ever received,” I almost cried.
Smiling, Jagger looked relieved. “I’m glad you like it,” he said.
I reached over and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Jagger was more than I could have asked for.
“Ready to take a ride?” he asked with a spark in his eye.
I could tell this meant a lot ot him and I wanted nothing more than to make him happy.
“Yes,” I said as I placed the helmet on my head.
We raced to where his bike was parked in the driveway and I watched as Jagger threw his leg over the seat and then offered me his hand. I climbed on behind him and wrapped my arms around his chest. The seat felt comfortable underneath me and I felt safe with Jagger in front of me.
Kicking the stand off, Jagger began to rev the engine. Turning to face me, Jagger smiled. “Hold on,” he laughed.
Jagger kicked off and we began to speed through the night.
My hands dug into his stomach as we moved gracefully across the black pavement. The black sky seemed to shield us as only the fornt light shone to introduce our arrival. The cool night air felt amazing against my skin. This was exhilarating and I instantly understood why Jagger loved his bike so much.
“You still ok?” Jagger yelled back to me.
“Yes,” I screamed with happiness.
We drove for hours- just the two of us alone with the only sound heard being the roar of his engine. I didn’t care where we went or what we did. Being with Jagger in this moment was all I wanted.
Riding with Jagger made me realize that my journey was just now beginning. I needed him in my life even though I tried to push him away. I needed to tell him the truth, even if he thought I was crazy or never wanted to talk to me again, he deserved to know.
8
Lila
In the weeks that followed, Jagger was beginning to really grow on me. Ever since he had forced me to tell him about the night I tried to end my own life, I had found myself opening up to him more
Whenever Tatum and Freddy were together, Jagger and I would find a way to be together too. I wasn’t sure exactly what our relationship would be classified as. Friends? Friends with benefits? A couple? None of it really mattered; titles were for people who needed that security. What I had with Jagger couldn’t be defined with words or titles. No, with Jagger I had found a companion with whom I could be myself around. I could find the solace and peace I had been se
arching for my entire life. I wanted us to possibly be more, but I wouldn’t dare bring it up on my own. Anything that might scare Jagger away wasn’t worth mentioning.
“OH GOOD, YOU ARE HOME,” Tatum said as she welcomed me as I walked through our apartment door. I had just arrived back from class and was ready to put on one of my yoga videos and relieve some stress from school and well, let’s just be honest here. My life being me.
“Yeah, I went to the library after class and then grabbed Subway for dinner,” I said as I held up my bag filled with my turkey sub on wheat bread and cheddar Sun Chips.
“Good. Freddy and I have plans tonight. I was hoping you had found dinner,” she said as she placed a pearl earring in her ear.
“Where are you all going?” I asked as I sat down at the kitchen table and began to devour my meal.
“I’m not sure,” she said as she checked her hair and makeup in our hallway mirror. “Freddy loves to surprise me,” she gushed.
I smiled as I watched her light up at the thought of Freddy. He really was a great guy and I was happy for them.
“What about you?” she asked turning her attention toward me. “Do you and Jagger have any plans?” she asked.
From the way she was looking at me, I knew I should ignore the thoughts circling through her mind. But it was hard.
I am so in love with Freddy. I hope he tells me tonight he loves me, I need to tell him soon.
I tried to hide the smile that was forming as I ease dropped on her thoughts. I had become successful at learning to tune out most thoughts, but sometimes, thoughts like these that are wonderful and should be heard, get through the wall I put up.
“What are you smiling at?” Tatum asks as she noticed my smirk.
“Nothing,” I say as I try to mask my happiness for her.
As she began to run her hands through her hair, I couldn’t help but hear the next words she thought. Even though, I should have ignored everything, this time I just couldn’t.
