“Absolutely. Has he told you differently?”
“I just assumed,” Cass said. She felt like an idiot. How could she not have seen the differences in the dynamics of her parents’ relationship compared to Danny and Barb’s? Maybe her mother had been right, and it was possible to have it all.
Barb certainly made a good argument for why she should pursue something with Erica, but deep down, Cass knew it would never work. She’d always be waiting for it to end, and therefore wouldn’t be able to truly enjoy their time together. She found herself wondering when exactly she stopped worrying so much about Erica controlling her life, and began worrying she wouldn’t be able to keep Erica happy. She closed her eyes against the pain starting in the back of her head.
“You should know better than to assume,” Barb told her as she stood. “Just promise me you’ll think about the things I said. Don’t write Erica off because you don’t think you can make her happy.”
“I promise.” Cass got to her feet and allowed Barb to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Good. I’m going to bed now. Just make sure you lock the door on your way out.”
Cass did as she asked and made her way down the path to her cabin. There was no way she could keep the promise she’d made though. Cass knew, deep down inside, she could never make Erica happy for long. It was better for them both to just leave things where they stood. Cass would be a much better friend than a wife.
CHAPTER TWENTY
It was a week later when Barb insisted on them all going out to dinner. Cass didn’t want to go. She still hadn’t talked to Erica since the night she’d run out on her, and she was feeling a bit ill-tempered. She’d tried to beg off, but between Barb, Danny, and her mother, she didn’t stand a chance. And then there was Clarence—or Rance, as they’d started calling him, thank God. He had the bluest eyes, and the cutest smile. Cass didn’t think she’d be able to refuse him anything.
“I want to go on record as saying I think this is a bad idea,” Cass said from the backseat of her mother’s rental car. Danny was up front, and Barb was in back with her, Rance securely situated in his car seat between them.
“Your protest is duly noted, dear, but I do hope you’ll at least try to enjoy yourself,” her mother said. Cass caught her eye in the rearview mirror and her mother winked at her.
“I don’t know why you couldn’t have just let me stay home.” Cass crossed her arms over her chest and turned her head to watch the fields go by. Spring had finally arrived in western New York, and the snow was melting away. Soon these fields would be teeming with migrant workers planting the crops for a new season.
“I don’t know why you can’t just pick up the phone and call her,” Barb said. When Cass whipped her head around to glare at her, Barb simply shrugged. “You know you want to.”
“What makes you think you know what I want?”
“Tell me I’m wrong, and I’ll let it go.”
The silence in the car was deafening. Cass noticed Danny had turned in his seat to look at her, and her mother’s eyes kept darting back and forth between the road and the rearview mirror. They were all waiting for her to either admit or deny her desire to call Erica. She looked down at the baby, as if she thought he might be able to get her out of this mess. He smiled at her. Or, more likely, it was merely gas.
“I thought we talked about this, Cass,” her mother finally said.
“We did, and it was a private conversation, wasn’t it?” Cass hoped her tone made it clear it was to stay between the two of them. She didn’t need Danny and Barb privy to what they’d discussed.
“Fine.”
They were all silent on the remainder of the trip to Batavia. Cass was out of the car first, desperately in need of some fresh air. She hoped it might clear her head and help her to find a better state of mind. She lagged behind the rest of them as they walked into Applebee’s and waited for the hostess to seat them. A quick glance into the bar area and she felt as though she’d been punched in the gut. Erica was there. With a woman.
Barb, ever intuitive, followed her line of sight and gasped just before placing a hand on Cass’s arm. Cass shook her head and forced herself to look away. What did she care? She wasn’t seeing Erica, and had made the fact abundantly clear the last time they’d parted ways. But if that were the case, then why did she have a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach?
“Hey, you okay?” Barb asked quietly.
“Fine.” Cass was grateful Barb didn’t draw attention to the fact she’d been blindsided. She forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
Barb didn’t look convinced. Cass felt helpless to stop herself from stealing another glance at Erica and her date. They were laughing, and Cass flinched when she saw Erica put a hand on the other woman’s leg, suggesting they were more than just friends.
“Cass, come on,” Danny said.
She returned her attention to her family and saw they were being led into the dining area. She concentrated hard on walking without tripping over anything, especially her own feet. Barb slowed until Cass caught up with her.
“The woman’s too old for her, you know. It can’t be anything serious.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Cass said, trying to sound unaffected by what she’d seen. She wasn’t sure she was pulling it off, based on Barb’s expression. “I told her we could be friends. It’s good she’s moving on.”
“Wow,” Barb said, shaking her head. “You are one cold bitch, aren’t you?”
“Let it go,” Cass told her.
“What’s going on?” her mother asked when they were all seated.
“Erica’s in the bar with another woman,” Barb said.
Cass fought the urge to kick her under the table. Instead, she picked up her menu and pretended to be reading it. In reality, she couldn’t make sense of a single word.
“Would you mind leaving us for a few moments?” her mother asked them.
Cass lowered the menu to look at her mother even as Barb and Danny stood. When Barb started to pick up the baby carrier, her mother spoke again.
“Leave him. Just for a few moments.”
When they were gone, Cass folded her menu and sat back in her seat. She was happy she was sitting where she was and had no view of the bar, because she knew she wouldn’t have the willpower to keep from watching Erica with her date.
“You told me things went well between the two of you the other night.”
“I lied.”
“Cassidy. What happened?”
“I can’t change everything about myself based on a single conversation,” Cass told her. “I’ve lived so long avoiding any kind of commitment, I’m afraid it’s just who I am now.”
“But why lie to me about it?”
Cass’s shoulders sagged when she saw the undeniable disappointment in her mother’s eyes. She’d never lied to her before, and she felt bad about it.
“So you’d leave me alone about it,” she answered, knowing it was a feeble excuse, but at a complete loss at any other explanation. “Between you, Barb, and Danny, I don’t feel like I’m in control of my life anymore.”
“And Erica?”
She was right, and Cass knew it. Erica had everything to do with her not feeling in control of anything. She’d never felt this way before, and she didn’t like it. The stab of jealousy was like a knife through her heart. It was a foreign feeling for her, yet she recognized it immediately. She should be the one sitting in the bar with Erica, making her laugh, feeling the touch of her hand on her thigh.
“Oh, Cass,” her mother said as she slid into the booth next to her. Cass didn’t fight it when she put her arms around her. She let her mother hold her, but she refused to cry. She was vaguely aware of the server asking if everything was all right, and her mother assuring her they were fine. “Sweetheart, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and why you’re so afraid.”
“It’s too late for that,” Cass said as she pulled away from her. She ran a hand through her hair and blew out a fr
ustrated breath. “She’s here with someone else, and I just need to accept it. I’ll be fine.”
Her mother looked skeptical, and her expression summed up exactly how Cass felt. She pulled herself together just as she saw Danny and Barb heading back toward the table, their waitress following close behind with a tray full of drinks from the bar. Cass smiled at them. Maybe getting drunk would take the pain of jealousy away.
*
“Dear, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Erica was staring at Barb and Danny as they walked out of the bar and into the main restaurant. She considered going after them, but she felt rooted to her seat. Her aunt’s voice managed to pull her back
“I’m sorry, what?”
“You look upset, Erica. What’s going on?”
“I thought I saw her earlier, but I was sure I must have imagined it,” Erica said. She’d picked Applebee’s for dinner because she knew Cass didn’t care for it. She’d never dreamed she’d run into her here, of all places. “But now I know I did. Her brother and his wife were just at the bar.”
“Cassidy?” Lila asked, craning her neck to look into the dining room as if she’d recognize Cass if she saw her. She finally turned back to Erica. “I want to meet the woman who’s managed to turn your world upside down.”
“She obviously doesn’t want to see me, so I’d wager a meeting tonight isn’t in the cards,” Erica said with a wry smile. Lila, her father’s sister, had come from Jamestown to visit for a few days, and Erica had been glad to see her. She’d just arrived that day and insisted they go out for dinner. Kyle couldn’t join them because he had too much homework to get done since he’d missed more than a week of school.
“Then she’s a fool who doesn’t deserve someone like you.” Lila smiled, and Erica thought, not for the first time since she’d rolled into town, how good Lila looked.
When she’d opened the door to find Lila on the porch, she hadn’t recognized her at first. Plastic surgery reversed what Mother Nature had done to her over the years, and Lila appeared nearly twenty years younger.
“Thank you,” Erica said. “I needed to hear that.”
“It’s true, and don’t you let anyone tell you differently.” Lila covered Erica’s hand and waited until Erica met her gaze, “The way your parents treated you when you came out to them was unforgivable. I think a lot of people would have curled up in a corner and withered away, but you picked yourself up and made something of yourself. And what you’re doing for Kyle, well, if this woman can’t see what an amazing person you are, then it’s her loss.”
Erica nodded, unable to speak around the lump in her throat. She blinked a few times to fight back the tears she could feel threatening. Lila was the one who was amazing as far as Erica was concerned. It had been many years ago, but Lila had lost a husband and a son within months of each other, and her own brother had turned his back on her. How could two people who’d grown up together turn out so differently?
“What was unforgivable was how my father treated you after Barry committed suicide,” Erica said, referring to Lila’s son, her cousin.
“Don’t you worry about that.”
“But I do. I feel like someone needs to apologize for the things he said to you.”
“You’re right,” Lila said after a few moments of obvious reflection. “But it shouldn’t be you, sweetheart. I haven’t spoken to your father since the day of Barry’s funeral, and I don’t expect I ever will again. I’m sorry for having convinced you to tell them you were gay. I thought if it was his own child he’d feel differently.”
They were both silent then, and Erica couldn’t help but think back to the day of her cousin’s funeral. Erica had been fourteen, and Barry had only been three years older when he’d taken his own life. Erica remembered being shocked by the things her father said to Lila, but she’d never let him know she’d heard any of it.
It still made her cringe to think her father had told Lila she should consider herself lucky Barry took his own life. That way, she wouldn’t have to watch him lead a life of sin and wither away to nothing after he contracted AIDS. Barry’s funeral had been three months to the day after Lila’s husband died of lung cancer.
Erica remembered doing a mental happy dance when Lila slapped her father hard enough to leave a mark lasting for days after. Her father never did offer a plausible explanation as to why Lila moved away after the funeral and never called or came to visit. Erica had already known by fourteen she was a lesbian, but there was no way in hell she was going to tell her parents after what happened with Lila. Once she’d turned eighteen, she drove to Jamestown and reconnected with Lila. They’d been close ever since.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Erica said with a quick shake of her head. “I was the one who couldn’t stomach lying to them any longer. Like you, I’d hoped they’d feel differently about it when it was their own. We were both wrong.”
“I just wish Kyle would have waited until he was older to come out to them,” Lila said.
“Me too, and I begged him to wait until he graduated, but he couldn’t lie to them any longer either, and I can’t say I blame him. He’s growing up in a world where more and more people are accepting of the LGBT community. He thought maybe they’d evolved as well.”
“Evolving isn’t something the Jacobs men ever did easily,” Lila said with a wry grin. “Your father came by his views and his stubbornness quite honestly.”
Erica smiled and they finished their dinner in silence. When the waiter picked up the bill from their table, she stood and put her coat on. They headed for the door, but Lila stopped her just before she reached it.
“Are you sure you don’t want to say something to her?”
Erica thought about it for a moment before shaking her head and walking out to the car. Of course she wanted to say something. The past week had been hell wondering every day if Cass would come in to the post office to mail some packages. But it was Danny who was coming in every day instead.
She was done trying to convince Cass she’d be okay with a casual arrangement. If Cass was interested, she could initiate a conversation.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Two more weeks passed, and Cass continued to avoid seeing Erica at the post office. Of course, it helped that Danny agreed to ship almost everything during those weeks, but Cass saw it as a victory. She’d only wanted to call Erica every day, but she’d somehow managed to refrain. On the other hand, so had Erica, a fact that stung more than she was willing to acknowledge. Danny wasn’t stupid, and Cass was sure he knew what was going on. How many times could something come up so she couldn’t make it to the post office?
“Let me guess,” he said as he leaned against the doorframe of the garage with a knowing smile. “You suddenly need to give Gordy a bath, so you need me to go to the post office.”
Cass wanted to slap the smile right off his face. She’d never wanted anything so much in her life. Unless you counted Erica, which she refused to do. She glanced down at Gordy, who was sleeping by the packages she’d gotten ready to ship out. “He is pretty dirty.”
“I’m an enabler.” Danny took a couple of steps toward her. “You know that, right?”
“That’s an awfully big word for someone with a pea brain. Are you just repeating what Barb tells you again?”
“Very funny.”
“An enabler is usually a bad thing, isn’t it? If I were an alcoholic and you covered for me when I got drunk, or bought me liquor, you’d be an enabler.”
“Barb says you denying your feelings for Erica is a bad thing, and my going to the post office every day is enabling you to continue denying it.”
“See? I knew she’s the one who put the idea in your head.” Cass turned her back on him to finish up the last package. The sooner she was done, the sooner she could go home and veg out for the rest of the night.
“I can’t go to the auctions with you tomorrow.” Danny threw it out there like it was no big deal. But it was to Ca
ss. He started to reach for the packages, but she grabbed his arm.
“Why not?” she asked, trying not to let her temper get the best of her. “There’s like fifty units tomorrow. You’ll be able to help me do the cleanouts on Saturday, right?”
“I don’t know.” Danny shrugged and looked apologetic, but Cass sensed something else was going on. Something she wasn’t going to like. “I have to take Rance to the doctor tomorrow. He’s got a bit of a fever, and Barb just wants to be safe. She has to work on Saturday, so if somebody needs to stay with him, I won’t be able to help you.”
Cass let out a laugh, but there was no humor in it, and Danny knew it. He took a step back, expecting her to blow up, no doubt. She knew what Barb was doing, and she didn’t believe for a second Rance had a fever at all. They were playing her. Their mother was still in town and was more than capable of looking after a sick baby. They were just trying to force her to call Erica so she could ask Kyle to help her on Saturday. She shook her head as she went back to putting the shipping label on the box she was working on.
“Ask Erica if Kyle’s available to help me then.”
“Cass—”
“Ask her, damn it,” she said. “If you really aren’t able to help me, then it’s up to you to find someone to be there in your place.”
She shoved the box into his midsection and whistled for Gordy to follow her. She didn’t give a rat’s ass what he and Barb thought. Cass would clear out the units herself before she’d call Erica and ask for her help.
She slammed the front door and headed straight for the kitchen. Beer in hand, she collapsed onto the sofa and stared at the ceiling. One o’clock on a Thursday afternoon, and she was drinking already. Oh well, it had to be five o’clock somewhere, right?
Gordy jumped up next to her and rested his head in her lap. She absently ruffled his fur and he sighed his contentment. He licked the hand clutching the beer bottle and she looked down at him. It dawned on her the only time in the past three weeks she’d not been completely on edge was when she sat here with Gordy. It had to stop.
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