“His body will be flown back home to the States sometime tomorrow.”
Her soft voice broke through the silence and interrupted his thoughts.
“Where’s home, sweetheart?”
“San Diego.”
He kissed the top of her head when she let out a sigh of exhaustion. It dawned on him them that he didn’t remember her eating a thing all day long. It was well into the night now.
“Jesus, have you eaten anything today?” He lifted her face with his forefinger, gently rubbing his thumb along her chin.
Shaking her head, she responded. “I don’t think I could eat if I wanted to. I’m so tired, Nick.”
He knew she wasn’t exaggerating. She had been going on little sleep and adrenaline for days. It was a wonder she was able to function at all.
“Please eat something? Just a little something and then you need to rest.”
“Nick…I just don’t think I can eat. I feel sick to my stomach.”
Lifting her up and off of his lap he helped her sit in the chair next to his. “Just wait here.”
Rummaging through the kitchen, he couldn’t find anything that wouldn’t take time to make. He knew as tired as she was that she wasn’t going to be up much longer. Deciding on a bachelor’s meal, he made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then grabbed a glass and poured her some milk.
He returned to the table and set the plate and drink down in front of her. “You have to eat.”
Again she shook her head and pushed the plate away. He refused to let her win this argument though. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted. Unless she got some protein in her body she would end up running herself down and getting sick.
“Come on. It’s got peanuts for protein, jelly for fruit, bread for grains, and milk for dairy.” He persisted while pushing the plate back in front of her.
She gave him an annoyed glare. It was one he understood. He always hated when people tried to force him to do things he didn’t want to. Hell, his mother was the worst at trying to force food down his throat every time she saw him. His mom. Now more than ever he wished she was here. She would have liked AJ. They were a lot alike, the first to take care of others before themselves.
“I’ll take a few bites, but I really don’t feel well.”
He sat next to her, picked up the sandwich, and handed it to her. “That sounds fair to me.”
Unable to resist, he ran his hand down the back of her hair, smoothing it as he went. He needed to touch her in any way. Just to feel her and know she was with him. It made it seem so much more real, like he hadn’t dreamed her up in some fantasy of the perfect woman.
She had taken a couple of bites and swallowed a few drinks of the milk before pushing the plate away. “Nick, I just can’t eat anymore.”
With her elbows on the table she rested her forehead in her hands. “I just can’t believe he’s gone. I told myself when the time came that I could handle it. That I would be ready.”
She shook her head then and looked at him. Tears started to fall again, and her voice cracked. “I wasn’t ready though. I want him back.”
When her cries became audible it was his undoing. He stood from his chair and bent down, lifting her up in his arms. His side burned unbearably as the extra weight and strain was put on it. No amount of pain could have stopped him though.
With his arm wrapped underneath her knees and his other holding her back, he held her close. Walking from the kitchen, he flipped off the light switch with his elbow and carried her down the hall and past the room where her father had passed.
When he carried her into her bedroom, he didn’t switch on the light. He walked to the bed and sat down on the edge. She was still cradled in his arms. He could feel her hands holding on the back of his neck firmly, and he prayed she wouldn’t let go. Whatever she needed he would give her.
“Nick?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I’m so sorry for earlier.”
“Shh…don’t you worry about that. You need to get some sleep. Do you think you can rest?”
She didn’t say anything for a moment. He waited for her to argue and say she couldn’t, but she surprised him.
Looking up, she asked. “Will you stay with me?”
“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.”
He softly kissed her forehead and lay back on the pillow. She was still in his arms, but she loosened her hold around his neck and nestled next to him, curling up alongside him.
“Are you comfortable? Do you need a blanket?” he asked.
“No. I mean…I am comfortable, and I don’t need a blanket.”
Her voice was filled with fatigue. He wanted so desperately to somehow make everything better for her and just erase all the pain she was feeling. It was an impossible wish, but if he could he would do whatever it took to make that happen.
He ran a hand up and down her arm that was draped on his chest. Her skin was so soft and felt so good under his fingertips. With his other hand he gently massaged the back of her neck. The action was as much for him as it was for her.
Something had happened to him when he shared those final moments with Liam. A week ago, falling in love was the last thing on his mind. All he wanted to do was finish his last month of service, maybe buy a house somewhere nice and sunny. He figured he would look into his options for future careers, but was in no hurry. He had enough money saved up where he could probably not work for several years if he was smart with what he’d set aside.
Sure he had thought of maybe someday meeting the right woman, getting married and starting a little family, but that was so far off in his future. He never gave it more than just a passing thought. Yet here he was, lying in bed next to the woman he was in love with, a month away from retirement, which technically he couldn’t take part in because he was for all intents and purposes dead.
Boy, fate sure dealt you a hand, Slater. The thought amused him as he continued to hold AJ. Wherever fate took him next, he knew he would be just fine as long as he had her by his side.
Chapter 21
AJ woke to the smell of coffee. Her head was pounding, and she felt weak. The small amount of sunlight slicing through the tiny openings the curtains provided was still too much for her sensitive eyes. She squinted and covered them with her hand. A tapping sound caught her attention, and she lifted her head just enough to see Nick sitting on the edge of the bed, with her laptop.
He must have had eyes in the back of his head, because without turning around he said, “How did you sleep?”
“My eyes hurt, and my head is killing me.”
He kept typing. “Give me just one second. Almost done.”
She heard a few more taps on the keyboard, and then he closed it and turned to face her. “Okay, all done.”
“Is everything all right?”
Setting the computer down, he came around to her side of the bed and sat beside her. His large hand cupped the side of her face as his thumb brushed along her cheek bone. She wanted to close her eyes and get lost in his simple gesture.
“I think I should be asking you that. How are you feeling besides all that?”
His masculine features, which at times made him look so serious, seemed to soften as he asked her the question. It would be so easy to fall for him. Lying in his arms last night was the first good night’s rest she’d gotten in months. Ever since her father had been diagnosed it had been a long and hard road. Her worry and sleepless nights only increased when his body stopped responding to treatment. It seemed so unreal that he was gone.
“It doesn’t seem real. I feel like I should go check on him…but I know he’s not there.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He shook his head and pulled her up to him.
He wrapped his arms around her so tightly and comfortingly, it was impossible for her not to nuzzle into his chest and just breathe a sigh of relief. She felt safe with him. Despite the grief of losing her father and all the worry she’d been facing, somehow when
she had his arms around her that all seemed to disappear.
“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am you weren’t here. I tried to…Jesus, I’m just so sorry.”
He sounded so sincere when he said it. It was hard for her to believe that this man, who had so much to deal with, would even care about how she felt, but the inflection in his voice made it hard not to believe it to be true.
“It’s not your fault, Nick.”
“I sent you away. If I hadn’t made you leave then, you might have been here when…”
“He was very sick. I knew the time was coming. I don’t blame you. I know I said I did, but I…” She pulled away from him just enough to look up at him. She felt horrible for the way she’d treated him when she returned last night. “I wasn’t ready to let him go. I guess I was looking for someone to blame.”
“Shh…I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m glad he wasn’t alone. Thank you for being here for him.”
Unbelievably, her sorrow found more tears. A lonely one spilled from one of her eyes as she blinked.
“Sweetheart, don’t cry.”
He kissed her cheek where her tear fell. His lips felt soft and warm on her skin. She thought he would pull away, but instead he left his lips there for several seconds. She was about to say something to break the intimacy of the moment, fearful of what she might do, but he didn’t allow her the opportunity. One of his strong hands slid up her back and held the back of her neck. Slowly and with apparent purpose he started to place small, soft, and gentle kisses across her cheek bone. First one, then two, and finally a third kiss until he was on the corner of her mouth. She sat there frozen. The combination of his hands, arms, lips, and his entire body’s warmth mixed with the sensual way in which he was touching her was warming her from the inside out.
“Nick.”
It surprised her when his name came across her lips in a whisper. Her subconscious had betrayed her by saying aloud what her mind was thinking.
He took her single word as an invitation. His lips slid across her mouth and pressed against hers. It was impossible and pointless to try and fight something she wanted and felt so good. He surprised her this time. He didn’t slide his tongue inside her mouth and explore her mouth with urgency. Instead he kissed her with a tender patience. It reminded her of the kind of kiss a girl would get on her first date when she was sixteen years old, sweet and full of emotion.
The kiss lasted for maybe a minute, but even when finished he didn’t pull away from her. He dropped his forehead to rest against hers. She opened her eyes and was surprised to see his closed. Seeing him like this, so gentle and compassionate, so considerate of her feelings, was such an incredible contradiction. Just yesterday he was bold and aggressive with his actions, yet now he seemed like he would do anything to make her feel at ease. It was like he actually cared for her.
She tried to erase the thought from her mind. The notion that Commander Nick Slater, US Navy SEAL could have feelings of that nature for her was ludicrous. Oh, but it would be so easy to lose herself in him, just for a day or two and forget about all the pain she was feeling. She recollected her thoughts, refusing to get caught up in the moment. Just losing her father was enough. She couldn’t allow herself to fall for him and get hurt when he walked away from her. Losing two men she loved was too much, way more than even she could handle.
Her eyes widened, and she pulled away from him. Love him? What?
“AJ, what’s wrong?”
Why did he have to look so concerned about her? That wasn’t helping her rational train of thought.
“Nothing. I just…” Think, AJ. Distract him and change the subject. “Did you find the phone I bought?”
“Yes I did. You shouldn’t be worrying about that though. Let me fix you something to eat. Lie down while I…”
“No.” She scooted across the bed as fast as she could away from him, needing to break the feeling of safety he gave her.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll make something to eat for us. You were on the computer before. Finish whatever it was you were doing, and I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”
She didn’t wait for his answer and all but ran from the room. A quick stop in the bathroom to freshen up was what she needed. She would wash up, brush her hair and teeth, and snap out of whatever she felt whenever he was too close to her.
She washed her face with first warm and then cold water, hoping to shock herself back to reality. Her hair was a tangled mess. After finally ridding it of the snarls, she wet the brush and smoothed out the bedhead look she was sporting. She ran her fingers under each eye. They were both puffy and red. If she had cried anymore she might’ve looked like a prize fighter. The dark rings only added to her haggard appearance. Once her teeth were brushed she felt a bit better. At least she was more awake and ready to face Nick without feeling completely helpless to his touch.
She opened the door from the bathroom, and every thought she just had about reality and snapping out of the warm feelings of comfort he gave her diminished in a second. He stood there in the doorway. His large frame loomed over her as each one of his hands was on either side of the door frame.
“Nick…I…is everything okay?”
He shook his head at her. “No, everything’s not okay.”
She tried to swallow the lump of nerves that was building in her throat but found it literally impossible.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Damn it, AJ. I care about you. Please stop running from me every chance you get.”
“I’m not…”
She started to deny it, but the stern look in his eyes told her it would be pointless. This would be an argument she would lose. That and she knew he was right. She had run from him three times in the past two days. It was foolish to even try and claim she had no idea what he was talking about.
She sighed. “I guess I am. I just don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do? Right now, what do you want?”
He asked her the easiest question in the world. She didn’t have to think about her answer. She knew what it was. What worried her was what that answer would bring. She struggled with the words, wanting to say them but for some reason afraid of saying them aloud and bringing them to life.
“AJ, please. I’m right here. What do you want?”
His eyes. They were the deepest shade of blue, like the ocean on a moonless night. She could swear she saw the surf in them, calling to her and urging her to give in. How much she wanted to look into those eyes when they didn’t know they were being watched. She wondered what emotions she would find lurking beneath the tough exterior he tries to put on.
“I’ll ask you again. What do you want?”
His patient voice with persistent questions was just another example of the contradiction that was Nick Slater. Maybe that was what drew her to him. He seemed to be one thing but then appeared to be the exact opposite entirely. She wondered why she was even trying to deny the comfort he offered her. Searching, she found no good answer.
“I want you to hold me.”
It was an incredibly honest yet simple answer and one that made her feel completely vulnerable.
“Come here then.”
He held his arms out to her, and she walked into them willingly. She wrapped herself into his embrace and reached around to his back. The feelings of his muscles under the T-shirt he wore flexed beneath her fingertips. The sensation made her wonder what they might feel like without fabric keeping her from touching his taut skin.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
She couldn’t help but smile at his question. “No. Thank you, Nick.”
“Shh. I am not going anywhere. I’ll hold you as long as you want.”
If there was ever a statement she wished were true that would have been it. Her mind was screaming to tell him
to never let her go, and she prayed her lips wouldn’t betray her a second time. It was crazy that she felt so safe and at peace with him. She couldn’t remember how long it had been since she felt so cared for, like everything would be okay. When she was with Nick, and especially when his arms were holding her so firmly, she couldn’t help but think everything truly would be okay.
“What are you thinking about?”
“That I don’t want you to let me go.” She wanted to literally bite her tongue for admitting it to him.
“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.”
She closed her eyes and allowed the words to sink in. Her mind told her that fatigue was playing tricks on her, there was no way he could have said that. The way he held her, though, told her an entirely different story, one that made her believe that was exactly what he was thinking.
They stood there in the doorway between the bathroom and the hallway. Their arms wrapped around one another, silence loomed except for the sound of their calming and steady breaths. She felt such incredible peace at that moment. Her mind went to her dad, and she was able to finally believe he was in a better place without the feel of tears stinging her eyes.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m starved.”
The truth was she was famished. Fifteen minutes ago she wouldn’t have been able to eat a single bite. The few minutes she spent in his arms seemed to wash away her tension and make her entire body relaxed.
“Good, me too. Let’s go to the kitchen. I’ll even cook.”
She looked up at him. It was so sweet that he offered, but despite all she was going through, she knew his life was far from settled down.
“No, let me. Finish what you were doing on the computer. I know you have things to deal with that can’t be put off.”
“I would argue and insist you relax, but I do have to check to see if I’ve heard back from some former teammates. We have to figure out what our next move is going to be. Things aren’t over with yet, and I don’t want anyone else to die.”
Sweet Affliction [Sweet Awakenings 4] (Siren Publishing Classic) Page 13
