by Susan Renee
Yep, it’s pity.
“Hell, now…now I can do no wrong because I have Ivy.” I shake my head almost in disgust at my family. “It’s funny really, how my family can go from seeing me as a disappointment because I got someone pregnant, to thinking I’m the best damn dad in the land for doing what I’ve done for my little girl. For giving up all that I have for her, and why wouldn’t I? I mean she’s my kid for Christ sake. What parent wouldn’t walk on fucking water for their kid if they could, ya know? That’s just being a good parent. That’s all I want for her.”
“You are a good parent Bryant.” She smiles at me but the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I can tell that from the way you talk about her. She’s a lucky little girl to have a daddy like you.”
Shit, she just took my breath away. I’m staring at her. For whatever the reason I’ve lost my ability to say coherent words. I’m just staring at her, nodding my head like I hear what she’s saying. I want to tell her everything on my mind. I want to tell her everything in my heart.
But I can’t.
“I’m the lucky one” is all I can whisper at the moment. Sensing my unease, Savannah takes a step forward so that we can continue up the trail. The smell of pine infiltrates my senses. It damn near smells like Christmas in these woods. The moment I look up ahead of me though I stop suddenly and pull Savannah back. I catch her off guard and she ends up falling backwards into me. Swiftly, my arms fold around her to steady her on her feet.
God, she feels good.
And smells good.
“Look!” I whisper pointing ahead of the spot where we’re standing.
“What?” She whispers back, paying no mind to the fact that I’m holding her.
“A doe…see her? She has her babies with her. Looks like two little fawns there. See them?” I whisper in her ear.
I would rather be whispering something else in her ear.
Her hair smells like vanilla and the outdoors.
I feel her gasp slightly when she lays eyes on the deer about one hundred yards from us. We stand as still as we can so that we don’t scare them off. As we watch for a few minutes they make their way through the woods, munching on leaves along the way. At one point we both strain to hold in our laughter when one of the fawns playfully jumps towards the other like it wants to play. I feel Savannah’s body stiffen as she tries not to laugh out loud.
She’s so close to me.
I can feel her.
If I could just…spread my hands across her stomach…
I take in a deep breath, committing her smell to memory. I can tell she feels me behind her and to my surprise she leans ever so slightly more in my direction. Her breathing has quickened, like she’s waiting for me to make the call. I could do it. I could turn her around right now and kiss her. I could kiss her neck from where I am right here and something inside tells me she wouldn’t stop me. I could make her feel good. I could give her what she needs, what she deserves.
But I can’t.
I won’t.
I promised myself I wouldn’t take advantage of her. We’re thirty minutes into our date minus the drive. A gentleman wouldn’t jump so fast for someone he really wants to keep at his side. I have to be patient. Sliding my hands down her arms I make sure she’s okay before letting go. Like a shy dumbass I throw my hands in my pockets and clear my throat before walking on with her right beside me. Her look tells me she’s not exactly sure what just happened between us.
I’m not sure either.
Stupid fuck.
Maybe I should’ve kissed her.
“So what about you, Seven?”
“What about me?”
“Your hopes and dreams? What did you want to do before…”
Fuck! You had to bring this up didn’t you?
Fix it, Bryant! Say something else!
Too late. She beats me too it. “Before my life fell apart in front of my eyes and I was forced to move back home alone?”
Shamefully, I shake my head. “Fuck. Savannah, I’m sor…”
“It’s okay. Really. It is what it is, right? I mean, it’s been two years. If I don’t saddle up and move on I may as well spend the rest of my life in a house filled with hoarded shit and a load of cats right?”
Ummmm…
“Well, that’s…uh…that’s a way of putting it I guess.” I’m totally at a loss for words. What do I say to that?
“Sorry, I’m not making a joke of my life. I have shitty days where I want to crawl under a rock and die and then I have days where I think I see sunlight on my horizon, that maybe there is more to my life than being alone and feeling sorry for myself.” She chuckles to herself, an inside joke?
“What’s funny?”
“You were talking about Ivy earlier and her love of everything Frozen.” She shakes her head slightly. “I know it sounds stupid and really cheesy but there are days I feel like ‘Let It Go’ needs to be my theme song ya know?”
“Nah…you need something more like…’Fight Song’.”
“The Rachel Platten song?” My suggestion makes her smile.
“Yeah…if that’s her name. I hear it all the time and it’s on that car commercial…it suits you.”
“Yeah,” I watch as her smile widens. “Yeah I guess it does.”
“Okay,” I start. I want to keep her talking as much as I can. I want to figure out what makes this woman tick on the inside. “So if your days were filled with sunshine and rainbows and shit like that, what would make Savannah Turner a happy woman? What’s your passion?”
She takes in a big breath and releases it while looking around the trail. We’ve made it to the top of the hill and from here we can see the water of the lake shining like a pool of diamonds as the sun’s rays hit the surface. It’s beautiful up here. You can see for miles.
“My plan was to own my own spa one day.” She kicks her foot lightly into the loose dirt at her feet. “I guess that sounds a little stupid now huh?”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t sound stupid at all. Why would you say that?”
“I don’t know. It was a lofty goal way back when. I made this plan of going to college for business, and then going to beauty school so that I could learn the trade. I was determined to learn all there is to know about what goes into a great spa. I wanted to have the best.”
“Impressive,” I say to her.
She continues. “So I accomplished that goal, but after Peyton was born I took time off to just be mommy for a while. We figured once she was ready for preschool I would look into starting the business. It would give me something to do while she was in school, so I didn’t miss her too much…but then…”
“Yeah,” I interrupt so she doesn’t have to say it. I get it. Then Peyton died, and so did Shawn. And then she was alone.
“How did you end up at the salon with Rachel?”
“Well, oddly enough her mom and my mom are good friends…Red Hat Society or some weird shit like that.” She laughs. “Once I came back to town I was in a huge depressive funk. Didn’t go anywhere. Didn’t talk to anyone besides my family. Slept a lot, that sort of thing.”
“Understandable.”
“Yeah, so my mom must’ve mentioned it to Rachel’s mom who mentioned to Rache that I was back in town and had my license. She was looking for someone new to have at the salon, well, either that or she was just showing me some pity, so she called me. We were never besties in school but I remembered her from back in the day and she remembered me. She’s been great for me though, ya know? Someone to talk to. Someone who may not always understand but helps me through the rough patches. I owe her a lot. I suppose it was the right call…got me out of my parents’ house and on my own again.”
“You ever think about starting that spa now?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know what my life is doing right now. I guess I’m just along for the ride until I figure it out.”
“Never say never Savannah. You’re too young to give up on your dreams.” She gives me a sad
look but doesn’t respond right away. Silence falls between us as we make our way closer to the lake shore. There’s a slight breeze in the air but it’s warm and inviting.
“It’s beautiful here, Bryant. Thank you for bringing me. It’s nice to be outdoors, taking it all in.” She smiles at me and my heart flips. Damn if I don’t feel like a middle school boy around her. She’s causing feelings to stir in me that I don’t remember having before. Maybe everything is different now. Maybe I’m older, wiser, stronger…ready to love her. Or maybe I just feel the need to protect her, to hide her from inevitable truths, truths that now I fear could crush her. Never in a million years did I think this would happen, Savannah and me, together. Now that we’re doing this…whatever it is we’re starting, my deepest secret is bubbling at the surface, waiting to break free. What if what I think are romantic feelings are really just feelings of guilt or shame? I wish she would never have to find out, but at some point the truth will be revealed, and then what the hell do I do when she finds out? Will she look at me the same way? And will she even be able to look at Ivy at all?
Chapter 16
Savannah
“It’s not much. I just made us a few sandwiches and packed some fruit salad, some pretzels, and last but not least,” he says as he pulls everything out of the cooler. We’re seated on a large woolen blanket spread out on the ground, face to face so that we can easily talk to one another. “A couple of damn fine double chocolate brownies if I do say so myself.”
“Oh I don’t think you’ll be saying that yourself for long. Maybe I should eat dessert first.”
Bryant tosses the brownie wrapped in wax paper in my direction. I eye him questioningly after turning the wrapped dessert over in my hands. “You know most people would use plastic wrap or even a baggie…why wax paper?”
The look on his face makes me laugh. He’s annoyed with my question though not really at all. I really wasn’t trying to be funny but once the words fell out of my mouth I realized what I had asked. “Did you forget that I can’t stand the sound of plastic wrap? Jesus, woman, you’re supposed to remember those most important things about me. I’m hurt!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I playfully console him. “I guess I’ve been trying to focus too much on how you could possibly wash your hair, brush your teeth and pee all at the same time. I forgot about the plastic wrap.”
“Yeah, keep it up there, Seven. Karma’s a bitch ya know.” Joking with Bryant feels so easy. Like we’re flirting but not really. This day has been a perfect day so far. Our walk through the trails was breathtaking. The water was beautiful and now this simple quiet lunch together. For not having to plan much, Bryant went all out. It feels good that we can both just be ourselves, and not have to dress up and try to be people that we’re not. I suppose if he’s already seen me a sweaty sick mess and still wanted to take me out, he can’t be a bad guy at all. I like him. And I get the impression that he likes me. I’m a little surprised that he hasn’t tried anything yet other than holding my hand. Not surprised…sad maybe.
Maybe he’s changed his mind.
Maybe he doesn’t want me like he did before.
I take a deep breath telling myself that even though my mind flip-flops back and forth when it comes to talking about kids, I need to buck up and get to know Bryant, the dad. If we’re going to spend time together eventually that will have to involve Ivy. I can’t beat around the bush or hide behind my past anymore. The world doesn’t revolve around me.
“So tell me more about Ivy.” I say nonchalantly as I take a sip of my Diet Coke. “What’s she like? Do you have a picture of her?”
Bryant looks at me cautiously, almost as if he’s unsure of how to react to my questions.
“What is it? Did I say something wrong?” I ask.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I just…we don’t have to talk about Ivy if you don’t want to, if it makes you uncomfortable. Today isn’t supposed to be about putting you through the emotional ringer.” He says with compassion in his voice that makes my heart skip.
Damnit. I must be all over the place today.
I try to smile to assure him I’m okay. “I’m sorry. I know I’m hot and cold when it comes to talking about children sometimes. It’s been a problem for me and sometimes I don’t have control over it. A memory hits me or something strange makes me think of Peyton, and every now and then it just takes my breath away for a second, you know?”
“Yeah. I get it,” he says.
“My therapist told me back then that it could happen. A form of PTSD, I guess, but that I can’t let it control me. Anyway, I don’t want you to think I don’t want to know all about you, Bryant the Dad, because I do. I want to know about Ivy. She’s your life and you light up when you talk about her and that spark of energy in you is…”
“Is what?” he asks.
“It’s attractive.” I can feel myself blush. God, I just told him I think he’s attractive.
With his fingers under my chin he lifts my head so that he can see my eyes. “You’ll tell me if it’s too much?”
I nod. “Yeah. I promise.”
Bryant smiles while pulling his phone out of his back pocket. “Then yeah, I have a picture. Sorry I didn’t think to show you before.” He swipes his finger across the screen, and staring at me are a pair of beautiful greeen eyes. She’s an adorable little girl with light brown hair and a smile that would brighten anyone’s day.
“How did you get her hair braided like that? You can do that all the way around her head?”
“Me? Hell no.” He laughs. “Rachel did it that morning. I had taken Ivy into the salon for some girly time. Rache always does her hair up real nice and sometimes paints her fingernails if she doesn’t have a busy day.”
“Oh. I didn’t know Rachel knew Ivy.”
“Yeah. Actually Rachel and I are cousins…well, second cousins I think? Her mom and my mom are cousins so…however the hell that works out.”
I laugh understanding perfectly well the confusion of a large family tree. “Wow…I don’t think I ever knew that…and I’m a little surprised that she never mentioned it to me before.”
Bryant raises his eyebrows. “You mean you talk about me often in the salon?”
Smacking him lightly on the arm I say, “No, wiseass, but your name has come up in conversation before…” I think back to one we had not too long ago. “Wait…the dance recital…Rachel said she was going to her cousin’s dance recital. Was that Ivy?”
Bryant chuckles. “Yeah. Damn…Ivy looked so stinkin’ cute in her little tutu. It was her first dance class recital and she was beyond excited. I bought her some flowers and a new princess nightgown to give her that day. Even had the store clerk wrap it up with bright pink paper. She loved it. We spoiled her rotten.”
Wrapped gift.
Flowers.
“That’s right…I saw you that day. Walking out of Peirson’s.”
“You did?” He cocks his head. “Well why didn’t you say hello?”
I roll my eyes at my own stubbornness and stupidity. “Well, because that was just after I had learned that you snuck into my apartment so you weren’t exactly my favorite person at the moment and…” Silence falls between us.
“And what?” he asks.
“And…I thought the gift and the flowers may have been for…you know…” I’m blushing. “Not a three-year-old girl. Let’s just put it that way.”
“Ahh,” he says, smiling. “You thought I had another girl in my life eh? Well gee, Seven, I have to say I sort of think green looks good on you.”
I throw a pretzel at Bryant to try and hide my embarrassment. “Shut up. It does not.”
“Uh huh…” I watch as he picks the pretzel that I threw at him off his shirt and pops it in his mouth. “On a scale of one to four just how jealous were ya?”
Oh my God, this is embarrassing.
He’s right though. I was jealous.
“On a scale of one to four I was a shut the fuck up, Bryant Wood. Th
at’s what I was. Now quit teasing me!”
Through our laughter he says “Okay, okay. I promise not to buy anymore gifts for the women in my life without lettin’ you know.”
I push Bryant in the chest with my right hand so that he falls backwards, but he’s too quick and grabs a hold of my hand, pulling me down with him. My weight shifts as he pulls me, but rather than falling on top of him he grabs me and immediately rolls so that I’m the one looking up at him.
Holy shit.
What the hell just happened?
What was that noise?
What am I laying on?
Pretzels?
I look up into Bryant’s eyes. The humor that I saw in them a moment ago is gone. Instead he almost looks worried. “I’m sorry Rachel never told you about Ivy. It’s my fault. I need you to know that I asked her not to tell you until I was ready.”
What?
Why on Earth would he do that?
“I don’t…understand. Why is it such a secret? Have I done something wrong?”
“No, no, no.” He shakes his head. “God, no. Savannah I just…I needed time, I guess.”
“Time? For what?”
“To see you again. To get to know you again. To…” He releases a huge breath. “I’m not explaining this very well, but…Savannah I’ve known you were back in town for a while now and…well…”
“Well, what?” I ask softly.
“You were the one that got away,” he whispers. I wait as he takes a deep breath before continuing, “I liked you a lot when we were in high school, Savannah. Like an idiot I did nothing about it, but here you are and here I am and I’m doing something about it now. I just needed to do something about it without the stigma of being the single dad. I wanted to protect you and I needed to protect Ivy. And I needed to be me.”
I’m still stuck on that first part.
“You’re doing something about it now?” I almost can’t get the words clearly out of my mouth. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering around so damn fast I can barely catch my breath. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I’m nervous to hear what he has to say.
