I watched Roman step into the light and then he was walking towards me.
28
Roman
The moment I saw her I wished it was day, that the sun was painting her skin and I could see every emotion flickering there in her gaze. But after I took that first step, I was grateful that it was night; that it would hide the things I wasn’t ready for her to see. Because fear wasn’t the only thing slowing me down. My legs were stiff from the plane ride and every step felt like a jolt of electricity. But even though it hurt like hell, I couldn’t stop. Not until we were inches apart. Not until the breeze blowing off the river sent her hair fluttering against my skin. Not until I was holding her.
When I finally reached her my fists hung at my sides, clenched and shaking. I’d been waiting months for this—this one look, this one chance to set everything right. My mind was racing, everything I’d wanted to say tangling into knots. For a minute I wondered if I was dreaming again but then she parted her lips, my name warm against my face.
“Roman?”
I heard the quake in her voice and I crumbled. But before I could say a word she caught me.
She kissed me.
She kissed me and I thought I was going to rip into nothing, the joy carving me into pieces from the inside out.
“Bryn…”
My hands found the small of her back, her shoulder blades through her sweater, the soft hairs on the nape of her neck. My fingertips retraced every memory, gripping her until she felt real.
“You’re here.” She smiled. “Roman?”
I nodded, my face in her neck, squeezing as tight as I could. I needed her to feel that I would never let go again, to feel it in her bones.
“Roman.” She whispered my name but behind her smile she couldn’t manage much more.
All she could do was look at me and all I could do was look back. She pressed her forehead to my lips, sinking, and as she clung to me all I could feel was her relief.
“You remembered?” she said.
I pressed my forehead to her hairline. “I never forgot.”
But as soon as I let go of the words she let go of me. Her face darkened, fingers retreating to the place I’d just kissed her, tasting the lie.
“What?” She was breathless, confused.
“Bryn…”
She took a step back.
“Bryn, I’m sorry. I’m so—”
Her lips parted, empty, and then she turned to go.
29
Bryn
I lay on the beach outside my grandparent’s farmhouse, staring up at the stars. They were dull. No milky way. No meteor shower. The sky was bruised and black and so was I. Because he’d remembered.
He’d remembered me, us, all of it.
He’d remembered and he’d lied.
He lied.
I woke up in the hospital again. Two days. That was all I’d missed. I thought seeing Roman would have sent me spiraling, that it would have broken me for good. I thought I’d never wake up. But then I blinked and I did. I was awake and I was angry.
When my mom stepped out into the hall to call my uncle and let him know I was awake, Dr. Banz closed the door.
“I’m…” I waited for him to say worried but then he said, “I think you should consider staying here tonight.”
“She won’t go for that,” I said, nodding to the door.
“Actually, I’ve already spoken with your mother and let her know that it’s my professional recommendation and that I’m concerned.”
“Are you?” I asked.
I just wanted him to say it, to confirm out loud what I already knew. That I was running out of time.
“The frequency is a little alarming, yes. The episodes seem to be coming on every time you’re under any kind of duress. Not to mention, any change in your routine since coming to Germany has seemed to induce one as well.” He clasped his hands. “And we’ve yet to get a clean read of a normal night’s sleep. Not only that but our observation of you during these past few episodes have all been cut short as well.”
“Because I wasn’t eating.”
He gripped his chin. “I suppose we’ll have to find a way to do your observation on this floor. The recent blood work we did indicates some abnormal changes in your hormone and nutrient levels.”
“But I thought you weren’t studying my blood anymore. Vogle said the answer to what was happening to me wasn’t there.”
“Just one of Vogle’s many theories,” he said. “But regardless, I’m still a doctor, Bryn, and I still have a responsibility to monitor your health. Now that you’re becoming more…inhibited during an episode, it’s important that we make sure you’re still getting all of the nutrients you need. Especially when it’s provided intravenously. We know that there’s a possibility your body might eventually try to reject it and it’s something I’m working to avoid.”
The longer I’d been in Germany the more Dr. Banz had concluded that Eve’s and my case weren’t exactly alike. But that didn’t mean we wouldn’t eventually share the same fate.
“How?” I said.
Before he could answer my mom stepped back into the room.
“They were waiting for a taxi,” she said.
I flinched at the word they, suddenly anxious. “No. I mean, they don’t need to come all the way over here.”
“Don’t worry, I told your uncle they could come by later, after you’ve had a chance to—”
“Later?”
My mom and Dr. Banz shared a look and I realized that she must have already agreed that I’d stay.
“I really do think it would be best if you stayed a few more nights, Bryn,” Dr. Banz said. “Just as a precaution.”
I was still. A few days ago I would have agreed. I would have begged to stay. But today I wasn’t so sure. Part of me would have been relieved to hide in that hospital bed rather than face Roman but I knew that he’d come for me eventually. I knew I’d have to face him whether I wanted to or not. And even though I was angry, even though there was a part of me that hated what he’d done, there was also another part, the part that lived in my veins and cells and atoms that didn’t have a choice at all.
My mom tapped her fingers against the bedrail, reading my eyes. “Do you want to stay?”
“I…”
Her eyes softened. “You say the word.”
“I want to go to the hotel.”
She nodded once, relenting, even though I could tell she was worried. But then I remembered the two of us standing up in that spire of the cathedral, the view gutting me, and from the look on her face I knew she was remembering it too.
“Okay, then. I’ll keep an eye on her,” my mom said to Dr. Banz. “If she feels like staying here tonight we’ll be back.”
Begrudgingly, Dr. Banz released me, and my mom and I took a bus back to the hotel. When we stepped into our room, my uncle was sitting by the window and I rounded the corner cautiously, afraid that Roman would be there too. He wasn’t but there was a note sitting on the nightstand next to my side of the bed, my uncle nodding to it as he said, “He wanted me to bring that to you.”
“He came with you?” I asked.
“I offered.”
“Why?”
“Because I thought you’d want to see him.”
“Well, you were wrong.” It sounded childish but feigned indifference was all I could manage and all I wanted them to see.
“I don’t think so.” He gripped my shoulders, making me feel small. “I don’t know what happened the other night but I know what it was like when you came home from the hospital after you went to see him and that day I found you in the garage. You had the same look on your face that Roman had when I’d told him you were in Germany.”
“What happened is that he lied. He lied to me.”
“About what?” my mom asked.
“Everything. I found him and he pretended like he didn’t know who I was. I thought he’d forgotten all about me.” I couldn’t stop the tears then.
I stared out the window.
“Your mom and I will be downstairs.” He reached for his coat. “Just read it, Bryn.”
The door closed as I stared at the letter in the corner of my eye. I wanted to read it but for some reason I was afraid. I felt betrayed but that wasn’t all I felt. I still loved him. I knew I probably always would. And I knew that whatever explanation he had, that part of me would accept it no matter what. Because that part of me was desperate. Because that part of me still needed him. And it made me feel weak.
I sat on the bed and reached for the letter, unfolding it against my knees.
Bryn,
Please let me explain. I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I love you. You have to believe that even if you don’t believe anything else. I love you.
The words cut me open, audible and visceral until I was bleeding with them. I sat in that hurt, the hurt of missing him, of wanting him. The hurt of saying goodbye. I couldn’t do it again even if he deserved it. I couldn’t do it again and I wouldn’t.
I love you.
It was all he had to say, the truth of those words swelling between my lungs because I believed him. I did. I’d seen our names carved into the trunk of that tree and I knew he’d been back there. I knew that he’d gone back for me.
Roman asked me to meet him at Rheinpark that afternoon. I stepped to the window, trying to see the trees from across the river. An ache settled in my throat as I searched for him, wondering if he might already be there.
When I exited the elevator, one arm slung into my coat, my mom and uncle already knew where I was going. It took some coaxing but my mom finally let me go alone, taking the bus across the bridge and then trekking the rest of the way on foot.
The park was lush and sprawling and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever find him. I followed the green grass down to the riverbank, passing people picnicking and playing music, children barefoot and laughing and climbing the trees. I came to a large oak with the only leaves that hadn’t already darkened for fall, and there he was, sitting on the ground, holding his knees as he stared at the footpath.
I stood there for a minute, just watching him. His shoulders were tensed and I followed every ripple of his skin—his muscles contracting, the breeze igniting shivers down his arms. He looked bigger than I remembered him. Smaller too. In the way that every breath looked forced and every muscle was tensed and on alert. He looked uncomfortable sitting there in that body and it made me want to cry.
“Roman…”
He turned and then he froze there. His eyes looked strange and sad, the dark circles under his lashes not belonging on someone who’d done nothing but sleep for six months.
“Bryn.” He pulled himself to his knees, straightening the blanket where the wind had rumpled it, his eyes pleading for me to sit.
I knelt down across from him, my hands kneading the zipper on my coat, the hem of my shirt, every inch of me trying not to reach for him. Because I wanted to. I wanted to feel the parts of him that were whole again. I wanted to feel him. But I could hardly even look.
I stared at the waterline, at the low branches, leaves almost grazing his head. Anything but his eyes. I wanted to look at him. I could have stood there at the edge of the park forever, just watching, but the truth was looking would never have been enough. I’d known it that day I’d found him in the hospital and that day he’d sent me away. And as I read his letter, as I realized the truth of what he’d done, I’d realized it then too.
I could feel him watching me but if I looked at him now all he’d see was how much I needed him. Still. And I wasn’t sure I was ready for him to know how long I’d waited for this moment, how long I would have waited.
“Bryn…” Roman moved to face me, forcing me to look. “Please.”
I nodded even though I wasn’t sure what he was asking for. Maybe it didn’t matter. I could feel it in my bones that I would have given him anything.
“I’m sorry.”
He was inches from me, so purposefully close and I felt every letter of his apology. I finally met his eyes and I could see him straining too. He gripped his knees, jaw clenched. I watched his shoulders rise and fall until they were heaving and restless and then he reached for me.
Light reflected off the palm of his hand, so warm as it grazed my cheek. His finger brushed the scab the shadow had left behind but I knew he couldn’t see it. I’d covered it with my mom’s powder, trying to forget, even though I had an awful feeling that it was probably the first of many things I would never be able to.
Maybe that’s why I reached back, my hand curling around Roman’s neck, my mouth hovering over his. Because I knew that there was no time left for the past. There was no time for broken hearts and hurt feelings. The shadows were coming for me, my body was breaking down, and if I was going to die I couldn’t imagine going without…
“I love you.” I spoke the words into his mouth.
He was shaking, relieved. His lips brushed my face, my neck, the backs of my hands. I led them back to my mouth, feeling the dimple of his jawline and the stubble under his nose. He opened his mouth, taking a breath, but I didn’t want him to speak. I just wanted him to keep kissing me until the sun was sinking into the Rhine, until winter finally stole the last of the fall leaves, until I’d forgotten the past months without him, until I forgot that I wasn’t sick but that I was something much worse.
The blanket twisted around my legs, the soft ground against my back. Roman hung over me, eyes open as his lips sank against the corner of my mouth, and then I tasted tears. But they weren’t mine. They were his.
He threaded his arms around my waist and buried his face in my neck. “I’m so sorry, Bryn.” I reached for him, leading his chin until we were nose to nose, his words trailing into my mouth. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
Night came early, the first stars tangled in the fog rising over the city. But I didn’t mind the cold, buried in the crook of Roman’s arm with the blanket and our coats slung over us, I couldn’t even feel it.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” he said.
“I had to.” I couldn’t lie.
Every word either of us said felt charged but for the past few hours we hadn’t been able to manage more than just a few. I was afraid and I knew he could feel it because he was afraid too. I didn’t want to think that was the reason he’d come, because he’d known something I didn’t, but I couldn’t deny the fact that it had been part of the reason I’d gone to meet him that afternoon. Whatever was coming, I knew I would need him. Maybe he needed me too.
“I thought you’d hate me,” Roman suddenly said.
I looked up at him.
“You should.”
I shook my head. “Well, I don’t.” I leaned back, letting him see my eyes. “Roman, I could never hate you.”
His lip quavered. “Did you even try?”
“Roman…”
I didn’t like the look on his face or the sound in his voice or his assumption that I could be capable of such a thing.
“I’m sorry, I’m just…”
“Surprised?” I said.
“No.” He looked down. “Disappointed.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I feel like shit. What I did was horrible. I guess a part of me didn’t want you to make it so easy. Part of me wanted you to hate me.”
“You said you were sorry. I don’t need to punish you.” I crossed my arms. “Besides, it looks you’ve done a good enough job of that yourself.”
He grew stiff. “You should have.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” I snapped, sitting up. “I couldn’t hate you and I wouldn’t want to. Not if it meant we’d be apart.”
“I do get it. I flew five thousand miles because I get it. I missed you, Bryn, and I know you could never understand why I did it, why I let you go, but…Bryn…” He choked down
a breath. “They said I’d never walk again. They said I’d never—” I strung my arms around his neck, holding him close. He spoke into my hair. “I thought that if I let you go, it would just be better that way. For you.”
I thought about the moment I’d first seen him in the park and then the way he’d made his way toward me that night on the street. There were parts of him, parts he didn’t want me to see, that were still broken. Parts that had healed even though they weren’t supposed to. Roman wasn’t supposed to be here. I knew that if he hadn’t gotten better he never would have come. He was wrong. I did understand.
“I know,” I said. “I know why you did it and I…” I reached for his hand again. “I know that you did it for me.”
Roman was quiet for a long time, just staring down at our hands. His thumb grazed my knuckles before tracing my veins. “I want you to know that I never would have done it if I’d known there was more than one.”
“One what?” I stiffened. “What are you talking about?”
“That thing that was following you.”
“The shadow…”
He finally looked up at me. “After you left the farmhouse to go look for me...something happened.” He wrestled with the memory, fear sparking behind his eyes.
“Something happened?”
“To your memories,” he said. “The dream wasn’t a dream anymore. It was…”
“What happened?” I pressed.
He shook off the thought, trying to compose himself. “At the scene of the car accident, I saw it there. The shadow.” He swallowed. “But it wasn’t just there, Bryn. When I was awake, when I was alone in my room—”
“No.” I faced the river and the water was black. I didn’t want to talk about the shadows or the blood or any of it. Not now. I leaned over him. “Please.” He kneaded my hands and I squeezed them tight, trying to hide the scars. “I just want one night.”
“But, Bryn…”
“One night where we don’t have to talk about any of it. One night where we can just pretend that everything is okay, that it’s normal and perfect and I’m not sick and you’re not broken.” Roman clenched his jaw. “And we’re just us. We’re just us and we’re together.”
The Girl In Between series: Books 1-4 Page 43
