by Sosie Frost
My sister had collapsed on the bed, wearing only a bra, jeans, and one shoe. The needle was on the nightstand. Who needed dignity when they had drugs?
Mellie sobbed on the floor beside her mother. I scooped her up, earning a higher pitched shriek until I shushed her.
“It’s okay. It’s Uncle Rem. I got ya.”
Mellie, red-faced and panting, pointed at Emma. “Mommy!”
My heart broke. I pushed Mellie’s head onto my shoulder, away from the sight. “I know. It’s okay.”
I leaned down and gave Emma a push. Getting ashen, but she was still alive.
Was that better or worse?
I pulled Mellie from the room and set her on the floor in the hallway. Poor thing wasn’t even wearing pants. Just an oversized t-shirt, panties, and one sock. She was shivering. Crying. Snotty. Hiccupping.
What the hell had she been through?
“Mommy’s gonna be okay. She’s sleeping.” I smoothed her hair. “Let’s check on Tabby.”
My chest ached. Tabby wailed from her crib. Filthy. She’d soiled her diaper sometime during the afternoon or night, but Emma hadn’t been sober enough to change her.
I picked her up anyway, trying my hardest to soothe the tiny girl, flushed pink, uncomfortable, and scared. Tabby’s chubby little arms wrapped around my neck, and she buried her face against me.
Mellie dove at me too, her hug tight around my legs.
What the hell had I done?
I let them go.
Hadn’t considered Emma’s health or stability. Hadn’t checked in on her.
I wasn’t even going to say good-bye.
I thought nothing could hurt more than packing their little clothes and toys and sending them back to their real home.
Except this.
This tortured me.
How could I have let this happen to them? The two innocent girls already bore the last name of Marshall. One strike in the book before even hitting preschool.
They deserved so much better than a dirty home, an unstable parent, and an uncle too terrified of his mistakes to see what he could give them.
A good life.
A healthy life.
A loving life…
Together.
I knelt, welcoming Mellie into my arms. My ass hit the floor, but it didn’t matter. The girls snuggled hard into me, and I squeezed them back.
“I’m sorry…” My words choked with tears I wouldn’t let fall. Not now. “I’m here, guys. I won’t leave you. I’m gonna be right here for you. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
I owed it to them.
I owed it to myself.
I owed it to the past I’d escaped.
And I owed it to the future I’d make. A future with the girls.
“Cassi?” Mellie sniffled into my chest. “I want Cassi.”
I pulled her close, kissing her head. Outside, red and blue lights flashed. Sherriff Samson.
The night was only going to get worse for them.
“I know, sweetheart.” I held them tighter. “I miss her too.”
But not for long.
I’d made enough mistakes. Lived enough lies. Ruined enough hearts.
It was finally time for me to fix it. All of it.
It started with the kids.
And it ended with Cassi.
No…
With Cassi, we’d finally begin.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cassi
A pounding shook the house and woke me at six in the morning.
That wasn’t unusual. A lot of strange noises came out of the Payne farmhouse.
Quint’s concerts in the shower. Julian’s menagerie of chain saws and lawn mowers he’d constantly fix on the porch just below my window. Tidus’s never-ending feud with the hundred year old floorboards.
And Varius…
I wished I heard him more. It was Jules who kept checking on him, making sure he was just quiet and not measuring out the rope.
This pounding wasn’t the usual foot through the drywall. It was a knock. And if the unfortunate bastard rapping at the door wanted to live, he should’ve prayed that I’d reach the porch before Tidus and his accompanying hangover.
I stumbled down the stairs, patting at my chest to make sure I at least had a sports bra on under the tank top. The hair was another story. The pink scarf did its best, but the curls were quietly consuming everyone and everything in their path. If I got lucky, they’d devour the jackass pounding at the door so early in the morning.
A yawn conquered me. My head butted against the frame as I pulled the chain away and swung the door wide.
“Hi!” Mellie sauntered into my living room as if appearing out of thin air. Her hair was a mess, she yawned as hard as me, and she rocked a pink pajama shirt with orange leggings. “This is for you.”
She handed me a sticker that read Ironfield Regional Hospital.
My stomach sunk.
“Mellie…what…”
Rem poked through in the doorway. He motioned with a finger over his lips and nodded to the sleeping Tabby on his shoulder.
Exhaustion hardened his features. Dark circles shadowed under his eyes. His lips had thinned in an undercurrent of rage. He stood bare-chested and silent. The baby slept in his arms, wrapped in his flannel shirt, strategically knotted to create the world’s most redneck onesie. Both girls seemed to be okay, but my stomach dropped.
His expression revealed everything.
“Oh no. What happened?”
Rem didn’t hesitate. His chestnut eyes narrowed on me, honest and completely sincere.
“I love you, Cassi Payne.”
I gripped the door. “What?”
“I love you, Sassy. I shouldn’t have let you go.”
I blinked. Sucked in a breath. Frowned. “…What?”
“I love you.”
Words I’d been dying to hear, but not like this. Not at the crack of dawn while I worried about the two exhausted little girls and the secrets they shared with Rem.
“What happened?” I asked. “Rem, the girls…”
He didn’t hesitate, even as the shame destroyed him from the inside out. “Got a call from Em in the middle of the night.”
“Is she okay?”
“She was once I got her to the hospital.”
A worst fear then. He confirmed it.
“Overdose,” he said. “She’s okay. But the girls were alone. Emma called me before she passed out, and I got there before any harm was done. Mostly. The kids were scared. I didn’t grab a change of clothes for them before I left for the hospital. I waited for Emma to stabilize, and then…” He shrugged. It nudged Tabby but didn’t wake her. “I came here.”
“I’m so sorry, Rem.”
“I shouldn’t have left them.” His honesty shocked me. “And I never should have left you.”
What was he trying to do to me? “Rem, I can’t do this right now...”
He closed the door behind him. His watchful eye ensured Mellie had only crept into the living room to collapse on the couch.
“Cassi…two weeks ago, I wanted the girls to go back with Emma. I thought she’d recovered. And I thought…I could handle it. But it hurt to lose them. It hurt to stay in the cabin all alone, wondering why Emma could get her life together and move on while I was stuck in the past. I missed then. And I missed you.”
I hadn’t had time to cobble those defenses back up before honesty eroded them away. “I missed you too.”
“I thought I’d be a bad influence on the girls. A detriment to their life.”
“Only if you keep running.”
He took my hand. “I get that now. You showed me that. You saw the man I could become.”
My heart raged. I should have pushed him out. Should have stopped him from speaking the sweet words. Should have closed myself to him.
But would that have made me any less of a liar than Rem?
“You always were that man.” My words weren’t gentle. Only wish I could have
punctuated them with a smack across his shoulder. “You didn’t need me to prove it.”
“But I did. I needed you, Cas. I needed the kids. I had to see what this could be.”
“And what’s that?”
“A family.”
My knees couldn’t take much more of this. I backed away, groping a hand against the wall behind me. But the wall didn’t hold me steady.
Rem did.
“I’ve wanted a family above all else. I want to be a family to the girls…an uncle, a father, whatever they need.” He smiled at me. How didn’t I melt right through the wall? “And I want to be the man for you. I want in your life. I want to be at your side. No more hiding. No more running. I love you, Cassi Payne. I’ve always loved you. And now I need you in my life.”
“Rem…”
I stood, stunned and bewildered and choked by every terrible word I should have shouted and every lovely and desperate secret I’d whispered across the pillows.
The words stuck in my throat. I had nothing to say that would be as sweet as his declarations…except maybe the offer of syrup.
“Do you…” My head spun. “Do you want some pancakes?”
Rem exhaled, a deep, shattering breath. What remained was a gentle smirk. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
Did it?
Or did it sound like yet another heart-breaking mistake?
I led the biggest complication in my life into the living room, surrounded Tabby with pillows on the couch next to her sister, and had no better answers by the time I’d reached the stove.
Despite the words and revelations and sweet declarations swarming in my head, I remembered the pancake recipe after staring at the fridge for a solid minute to identify the eggs.
What the hell was I supposed to do?
My heart demanded that I rush into his arms, steal his kisses, and offer myself right there on the kitchen floor. I couldn’t focus on the labels. I’d dumped what I believed to be flour into a liquid which seemed to be milk as Jules limped into the kitchen, covered in grease, grass stains, and thorns.
He bled purple as he groped for the fridge. The crimson streak he left behind wasn’t as appetizing as the leftover pizza he’d stolen from Tidus’s box. The slice never made it to his mouth. Jules stared at Rem.
Rem handed him a dishrag, but nothing could rub away the violet stain covering his arms, neck, face. “What the hell happened to you?”
My brother glanced to me and knew better than to say anything. “Fucking blackberries.”
“What?” I asked.
“There’s a blackberry patch infesting where the second field used to be. I tried to clear it out. The berries won.”
One crisis at a time. I stared into the bowl of gloopy mix, trying to remember what the hell I was making. “Want some…breakfast?”
“No.” Jules stole a banana from Varius’s pantry shelf and tempted his own damnation with a bite. He should have left in silence. The concept was foreign to him. “What the fuck is he doing here?”
“Shh.” I smacked his arm and pointed to the living room. “The kids are sleeping.”
“What the hell are they doing here?” Jules checked his watch. “How long was I stuck in that goddamned bush?”
Rem headed for the coffee pot, the one object in the house unchanged in the last five years. Dad had always kept the coffee, coffee pot, non-dairy creamer, and a coffee-stained paper plate to hold a stirring spoon in the same corner of the kitchen. Rem shoveled the grounds into the pot, thought better of it, and added another scoop.
We should have added whiskey to it.
“Emma overdosed last night,” Rem said.
Jules exhaled. “She okay?”
“Will be.”
“And you’re here because…”
“I came to apologize to Cassi.”
Jules approved of this. “Good. Cause you’ve been a monumental dick. Got any more apologies lined up?”
“Probably more than I could give.”
“Why not start?”
I sighed. “Jules, he had a rough night.”
“And you had a rough five years, Cassi.” Jules pointed at me. “And a rougher two weeks when he broke your heart again.”
Rem had never backed down from a challenge. “I’m gonna win her back.”
“Great. So you can complicate her life even more.”
“No. So I can make it better.” Rem’s dark eyes followed me. “I loved her then, and I love her now. I’m not going anywhere. If she wants me…I’ll be here. Waiting. For as long as she needs.”
Goddamn it. I dropped the whisk in the batter.
Should I have yelled?
Kicked him out of the house?
Rushed into his arms?
A quiet resentment poisoned my words. “How dare you, Remington Marshall. First you chase me. Then I fall in love with you. Then you push me away, tell me lies, and spout some garbage about not being a good enough man for me and the kids.” I couldn’t look at him without hurting, so I scolded the floor at his feet. “You ran, Rem. Again. How can I be sure that this was the last time?”
“Because I’m not leaving Butterpond,” he said. “I’m taking the kids. I’m staying to look after Emma. And if you have me, I’m gonna love you.”
“How can you stand there and say that you love me?” My eyes prickled with tears, but I would not cry. “You still refuse to tell me the full truth.”
“That’s because I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it isn’t my truth to tell.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I gave up, my patience cracking under the weight of all his supposed honesty. “This is your last chance, Rem. I need to know what you’re hiding from me. Why you ran five years ago.”
“Cas…”
“What the hell happened that night? Why did you hurt this family? Why didn’t you stay to help us after the fire?” I sucked in a worthless breath. “Either you tell me the truth…or I will walk away now. I won’t be lied to anymore, Rem.”
“I don’t want to lie.” Maybe the first honest thing he’d ever said. “But can’t we let this go? It’s been so long. It doesn’t matter now.”
“It matters to me. And it should matter to you.”
“Why?”
“So we can both forgive it.”
Hard steps squeaked the kitchen floor. Tidus emerged from the stairs, hair tussled and no shirt. At least he’d remembered pants this morning.
But my brother didn’t crack a smile or his knuckles. He refused to meet our gazes.
Something weighed on him. He nearly dropped to his knees.
“There’s nothing to forgive.” Tidus spoke through clenched teeth. “Don’t blame Rem for what happened.”
Rem’s warning was quick. “No.”
“What are you talking about?” Jules asked.
“The barn fire wasn’t his fault.”
Rem stepped forward. “Tidus, shut your mouth.”
My brother ignored him, his eyes focusing only on me.
“Rem didn’t start the fire,” Tidus said. “I did.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cassi
The farm hadn’t changed much since we were kids—all that was missing was the barn.
We didn’t have any animals, and we hadn’t grown any crops, but with Rem at my side…it felt like we’d traveled back five years.
I wasn’t sure if that was good or not.
Jules had agreed to watch the kids—or, at the very least, ensure a bleary-eyed Quint didn’t accidentally sit on them when he stumbled out of the kitchen with his Coco Pebbles. Rem had taken my hand and led me outside.
To talk, he’d said.
I still couldn’t speak a single word.
Rem guided me behind the chicken coop. I peeked in on Helena, the eggless wonder. She pecked at the earth, content, plump, and standing by her life-choices one gobble of seed at a time.
He stopped in the center of the field and squeezed my hand. “Reme
mber this spot?”
All of a sudden, I remembered a lot of things. Some good. Most bad. “Should I?”
“This was where I threatened to run you over with the lawn tractor.” Rem smirked. “You stood your ground.”
“And you ran over my shoe.”
“Your foot wasn’t in it.”
“You still mulched my favorite boot.”
“Yeah.” He snickered, tugging my hand to keep walking. “We kept finding flecks of pink rubber all over the damn farm during our chores.”
And Rem had always been diligent with the chores. He’d work with Tidus in the mornings. Help water the animals with Jules. Muck the stables with whoever got stuck on animal duty that afternoon. Mowed the grass with Dad. Harvested the crops with Quint and Varius.
Even helped me water the little sunflower garden Mom and I had planted.
Until that day with the barn, Rem had been another member of the family, putting in the blood, sweat, and tears required to make the farm successful.
And he never did it because Dad threw money his way. And it wasn’t because his friends were stuck doing chores before they could go get in trouble.
Rem had worked the farm because he’d wanted to help.
He’d wanted to be a part of the family.
I still couldn’t breathe. Rem was careful, walking slow with me, unable to answer the questions I couldn’t voice yet.
“Right here?” He planted his feet and leaned against a fence in desperate need of repair and paint. He pointed into the pasture. “Right here was where I watched you ride that black mare.”
“Olivia.”
“I watched you one day, just riding. You didn’t see me. Don’t think you saw anything but wind and grass. You and Olivia just flew across the field, and I thought…I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful in my life.”
“Me or the horse?”
“I think you know.”
“At this point?” Confusion and desperation rocked my soul. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“I fell in love with you that day.” Rem frowned as the fence nearly collapsed under the weight of his arms. Old wood that’d gone too long without repair. “I was standing here thinking…someday, I’m gonna marry her.”
My heart lurched, but Rem didn’t say anything more. He walked away, his pace slow until I reached his side once more.
