Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  He does, oh God, does he.

  My head is right by the carburetor and the smell of gasoline ties me to him in every way. It’s everything I associate Tyler with, cars and engines.

  His breath comes out in short gasps, much like mine, when he sees me falling apart on him. “You’re so fucking sexy… fuck.” He moans it this time.

  “Oh God!” I scream, my eyes squeezing shut as I throw my arms around his shoulders hanging onto him and clawing at his skin.

  “That’s it, baby.” His rough voice is low and tense as he whispers to me. “There you go… fall apart for me.” One hand moves from beside me, wrapping around the back of my neck and bringing his eager kiss to mine. He’s excited and his kiss shows me, wild tongue and frantic gasps telling me how beautiful the sight before him is.

  But then he pulls away, dropping the wrench on the ground.

  “Have you done that before?” I’m still trying to catch my breath.

  “No, never.”

  His fingers trace my cheek bone. He gives me a long stare, searching for any regret. When he doesn’t see it, a grin appears and he steps back.

  “I’m going to be late for work.”

  I look at him like he’s crazy. “We can’t just leave you hanging. That’s not fair.”

  “Watching you come apart in my hands was enough.” He helps me up from the table and hands me my jeans. “Come back tonight and we’ll take care of it.”

  Oh, I’ll be back. For sure.

  I know it’s a forty-five minute drive but whatever. I smile when he picks the wrench up and places it in his back pocket. “At least you’ll be thinking of me today.”

  He winks. “Not just today. I’ll think of you every time I pick up a wrench from now on.”

  Why am I excited about that?

  IT’S CLEAR I’M not making it to my nine o’clock class so I take my time once I leave the shop.

  I’m dragging ass and in desperate need of caffeine, mostly because I was up all night with Tyler. I stop off to get coffee before getting on the freeway. Inside the small café, I see Sophie waiting for her order. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. She and I were friend’s way back in middle school but when she and Rawley used to date in high school, we became even closer. I’m not sure why we drifted apart after their breakup.

  She spots me immediately. “Hey, Raven. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve seen you.”

  “I know. It’s been a while. Probably since the Fourth of July party, right?”

  She frowns, probably remembering the night where her and my brother got in a huge fight in the driveway. She also doesn’t realize I know all about the fight since I was there watching them.

  They call her name for her coffee, and then mine and she nods to a nearby table. “Are you in a hurry? How much time do you have?”

  “I’ve got time. Do you want to sit down and catch up?” I don’t have time but something in her eyes tells me she needs someone to talk to.

  “Actually yeah, if you don’t mind I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

  I have a feeling I know what the answer is going to be, but I ask it anyways. “How are things going?”

  Tying her hair back in a ponytail, she lets out a heavy sigh. “Shitty. Completely fucking shitty.”

  “Rawley being a dick?”

  She rolls her eyes. “When is he not?”

  “I can’t think of anytime actually.”

  We both laugh and then she shakes her head. “I just don’t get him. I try to help. I mean, after your dad died, I reached out to him to tell him how sorry I was about everything. Your dad was an amazing man and was always so kind to everyone. It’s hard to believe someone that alive is gone. ”

  “Thanks for saying that. He was pretty great.” Naturally, I thought my dad was the greatest but that was the thing with Lyric, everyone thought he was a good man. “We were all concerned with Mom after we lost him and I think we forgot how hard Rawley took it. He and Dad got in a huge fight the night he died and I think he holds it against himself.”

  Sophie lets out a sigh, as if she’s gone over this a thousand times inside her head. “I can only imagine. I called him and asked him if he wanted to grab some coffee or maybe dinner and talk or something, and he suggested I meet him at the bar one night.”

  “Makes sense. I swear that place has become a second home to him.”

  “It has.” Sophie nods. “The only way he can stand to be in the same room with me is if he’s either high or drunk. That night we met at the bar, we got drunk and ended up in bed together. The next morning Rawley was such an ass. I thought….” She sighs, as though she honestly thought hooking up with him would have changed anything between them. In some ways, I can relate. “I spent the next day in bed. The breakup with us was hard enough that I don’t know what I was thinking that night. I guess I thought if I was there for him he’d see I made a mistake and didn’t mean to hurt him senior year.”

  “What did he say?”

  Her eyes well up with tears. “Just that it didn’t change anything and thanks for letting him get his dick wet. Typical Rawley behavior lately.”

  I’m actually surprised he said thanks.

  “He’s not the same guy he used to be. He’s drinking and smoking more than ever. Beck’s a horrible influence on him and I just… he’s going to end up doing something he shouldn’t.”

  Everything she’s saying is just a reminder to me that I don’t even know Rawley anymore. Sure, we still act normal around one another and he still uses every chance he can to annoy the shit out of me but she’s right, he’s not the same.

  When I was younger, I took it upon myself to watch over him. He’s always been a little different, more the brooding type but I was always the one to keep him from going too far.

  I’m the normal half of the two. I swear, but he’s the fun-loving joking half where if there’s fun to be had, I’m going to weigh my risks first. Rawley will just react and think later.

  I know when the change happened, but I don’t want to tell Sophie because it happened when they broke up. It was slow at first, but then when Dad died, there was no coming back from it. He distanced himself from everyone but music. Gone was the automatic smile every time he walked into a room. You could always count on him to ease the tension when things between Dad and Red would get heated, which believe it or not, happened more than you’d think.

  I’ve been so wrapped up in Tyler lately I haven’t stopped to look at Rawley and what I could do to help him. I know if it were me, and I was going through this, he’d help me.

  When Holden and I broke up, he came to my college and spent the entire weekend with me making me laugh.

  “Why don’t you just distance yourself from him?” I know it’s probably way harder than I realize. Probably for the same reason I know there’s nothing ever going to change Tyler’s mind about wanting a relationship, but I still stick around.

  “I still love him,” Sophie tells me and then takes a sip of her coffee. “I know I made a huge mistake spring break. I don’t even know how it happened and I tried explaining it to him. One minute I was fine and the next I’m waking up next to some random guy. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Rawley. Ever. Nothing compares to the way we were when it was good. I just hoped maybe with time he could forgive me, but he just keeps acting like he’s going to and then when we start spending time together, he sleeps around, as if it’s payback or something.”

  “You don’t deserve to be treated like crap though, Sophie. Yeah, you made a mistake but you were eighteen and in Mexico. A lot of people make mistakes in Mexico. I bet you if the tables were turned and it happened to him, he’d be a lot different.”

  Her eyes dart around the coffee shop and then back to mine, tears falling now. “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “I think you need to consider letting him go. If you’re meant to be, he’ll figure his shit out. I know he loves you.”

  She laughs through her te
ars. “He has a shitty way of proving it.”

  I laugh and look down at my phone to check the time. “Yeah, well, he’s Rawley. As Nova would say lately, we shouldn’t expect so much from him.”

  My words have me thinking though. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. I guess I could say the same for Tyler and me. Why am I trying to push something he doesn’t feel? Probably because I don’t want to lose him, so I settle for what I can have. Much like Sophie. If she can’t have my brother in the ways she wants, she settles for what she can have. The jerk.

  Drawing in a deep breath, Sophie lets it out slowly. “How’s college life? I heard you’re with Tyler now?” You can’t miss the gleam in her eyes. She definitely wants me to be happy but if only she knew. “College is okay. Lonely sometimes, but good. It’s nice being able to come home on the weekends.”

  “And Tyler?” I know she’s curious because like I said, Sophie and I were friends in middle school, long before her and Rawley got together or Holden and me. She knew I secretly had a crush on him.

  “So take your situation with Rawley, take away the cheating and add a guy who refuses to commit.”

  Sophie laughs. “What’s with the men in this town?”

  “I’m not sure.” I look at my phone again. “I’m sorry but I have to get going. I have an eleven o’clock class I need to make it to.”

  Sophie waves her hand around and then stands. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you.”

  “You didn’t keep me.” Standing, I hug her close. “I’m here for you if you need me.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

  As I’m leaving the coffee shop, my mind races over our conversation and my situation. In many ways—much like Sophie—I felt like Tyler’s toy, shelved up high, out of reach of everyone else, and brought down easily when he wanted to play, as sad as that was to admit.

  My thoughts are a reminder that I can’t change how I feel about him. I’m trying but I’m consumed with one thought, one mindset. Tyler.

  He’s in my head, wrapped around every thought and decision I’m making.

  Why is it that I can’t forget him?

  Probably because he’s Tyler Hemming and the bastard won’t let me. Or, it’s because I keep going back for more.

  As if I needed a reminder of this morning, he sends me a text after my 11:00 a.m. class.

  Tyler: My wang is lonely without his muff. I should have taken you up on the offer.

  I hate how that one text sends my heart into a rapid beat and my cheeks flush remembering the wrench this morning.

  Me: Last class is at 1. Be there tonight. Think you’ll be done on time tonight?

  Tyler: We’re slow today. Makes it worse because suddenly I’m staring at my tools…

  I laugh out loud at that one and then put my phone away. Right after my classes are done, I head back to Lebanon, pick up take out and show up at Tyler’s apartment to make it up to Wang.

  We ignore the food completely.

  “Today was torture,” he tells me, his palms cradling my face, his mouth crashing against mine as soon as I’m through the door.

  A sense of familiarity seeps into my pores.

  This is why I keep coming back.

  This is why I can’t let go.

  Maybe that’s why Sophie can’t either. Familiarity with someone intimately can be everything.

  Picking me up, he sets me back on the same table he had me laid on this morning. He unbuckles his belt and then his jeans, pushing them down just enough to free himself, gliding his hand from base to tip twice.

  So fucking sexy!

  “Did you think of me in class today?” With his question, I begin ripping my shirt over my head and working on my jeans. I’m just a little eager.

  I nod. “Yes. I couldn’t even pick up my pen today without being reminded of a wrench.”

  He seems satisfied with my answer and helps me out of my jeans. “Good. At least I wasn’t the only one losing focus.”

  Caught up in him, I watch the movements in his chest, his stomach, the look on his face, always searching.

  Holding me captive with his kiss, he enters me. He kisses me deeply, sliding in and out of me as he attempts to keep himself steady holding me against the table with his movements.

  He only lasts a minute, maybe two. “You have no fucking idea how sexy you are.” He breathes, slumping against me. His hands and arms shake as he tries to control his breathing.

  When he does, he gently picks me up and carries me over to his room where he lies down and pulls me against him. “I don’t think you’re getting any sleep tonight.”

  And I don’t. I definitely don’t.

  MAYBE IT’S ME trying to fit in, I’m not really sure, but on Thursday, I have the bright idea going to a frat party would be a great way for me to experience college life. I think it’s more my obsessively going over the conversation I had with Sophie the other day that has me wondering if I’m hanging onto something that’s never going to be. Like Tyler actually having feelings for me outside of sex.

  With that thinking, I attempt to socialize and go to a party. I hate frat parties. That much is clear when I’m at one and the guy wearing sunglasses next to me can’t stop talking. Why he’s wearing sunglasses is both surprising, and not. He’s a tool so it makes sense.

  Surrounded by a thick cloud of smoke, I ask myself what the fuck I’m doing here. It’s mostly because I don’t have friends in college. I mean, I know people and talk to them but I don’t go out of my way to be friendly. Maybe it’s the small town girl in me or maybe it’s just me.

  I should have known better to think I could come to a party like this surrounded by idiots and not run into the biggest douche of all.

  “Thirsty?” Holden asks, staring down at me and the guy in sunglasses.

  I hate that he’s looking at me as if he knows me. He doesn’t know me at all anymore.

  I raise the beer in my hand. “Clearly… I’m drinking, aren’t I?”

  With a chuckle, he shrugs, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a drink. He gives a nod to the kitchen. “Come with me. I’ll get you something stronger.”

  I do, only because he’s probably better company.

  Holden gives me a rum and Coke. Or so I thought, but apparently more rum than Coke. The drink is the extent of our interactions that night because mostly, I don’t want anything to do with Holden and if he thought his plan was to get me drunk and hope for something to happen, it’s a shitty plan.

  After four drinks and three hours, I sit by myself on the wet grass and stare at my phone in silence. Not complete silence. I’m crying too. I’m not even sure why I’m crying, maybe because I’m alone outside the party and missing Tyler.

  And thinking of that conversation the day before I left for college.

  “It’s not that I can’t fall in love, it’s that I don’t want to. Yeah, another time, another place, maybe things could’ve been different and believe me, hands down, Raven, it would have been you, but it’s just not who I am. What we have right now, this is all I can give. I’m sorry if that’s not enough”

  I’m such a fucking idiot.

  Though I don’t want to, the longer I stare at my cell phone and the last text message of him sending me a picture of a wrench, I cave. It might be a mistake, but I make the call anyway.

  He answers on the first ring, probably thinking it’s me looking for a booty call. “Hello?”

  “I deserve better,” I tell him immediately.

  “What?”

  “I deserve better!” I yell. “Damn it. Why won’t you love me?” I fully admit to sounding like a whining brat but I blame the liquid in my cup and me wanting an answer.

  “Raven?” He sounds confused, his breathing speeding up. “Are you okay?”

  “I just want to know. Why won’t you love me?”

  He sighs, heavily. The last thing he wants to do is admit to me why he won’t love me. It’s like he’s keeping his heart on lock down. “Are you
drunk?”

  “Yeah.” I laugh. “I wouldn’t say this sober.”

  “Where are you?” He sounds upset now, his tone demanding like if I don’t answer, he might scold me like a child.

  Or spank me.

  Don’t answer him. See if he spanks you later.

  I do answer him though, because I want some answers. Drunk me is persistent and demanding. “What do you care?”

  He sighs heavily. “Raven…. You know I care.”

  “No.” I shake my head adamantly, though he can’t see it. “No, I don’t. You told me you didn’t love me.”

  “I never said I didn’t care,” he says immediately.

  “Whatever.” I throw my hand up in the air. “It doesn’t matter. Just answer my question. Why won’t you love me?”

  “I won’t until you tell me where you are. I mean it, Raven. Where the fuck are you?”

  “I don’t know.” I flip my hand around and lay back in the wet grass that’s seeping through my jeans. “I came to a frat party and Holden was there and I got drunk… and I don’t know now. I wandered.”

  “What frat house?”

  “I’m not in a house. I’m on the grass. It’s wet.”

  “Talk to me.” I hear doors slamming around and what sounds like his truck starting. “I’m coming to get you.”

  I shake my head back and forth, the smell of dirt all around me. “If you don’t love me, why are you coming to get me?”

  “No matter what, I’m your friend and I care about you. I want you to be safe. Tell me where you are? What fraternity?”

  “I don’t even know. It’s a brown house though. Does that help?”

  “Don’t move, don’t talk to anyone and don’t drink anything.”

  “Why would you come get me, Tyler?” I don’t wait for him to answer before I say, “I don’t need to be rescued.”

  And then I hang up on him and rest my phone on my stomach, staring up at the spinning sky and ignore the ringing when he immediately calls back.

  Why do I keep falling for the wrong guy? Maybe it’s not even that I’m falling for the wrong guy. Maybe I’m the wrong girl. I clearly wasn’t meant for Holden and now Tyler, he’s adamant I’m not the right girl for him to love.