by Shey Stahl
I find a stool at the bar and drop into it exhausted. I’m the kind of exhausted where I wish I could go home and sleep but know there’s no way it’s going to happen with all that’s going on in my head right now.
Zack approaches me bracing himself with his hands on the bar. “You look like you need either a good drink or a blow job.”
I stare at him as if he’s crazy. “Women complicate shit that doesn’t need complicating.”
“Okay, drink it is.” He laughs. “What can I get you?”
“Whiskey.”
He takes a minute to look at me and reaches for the whiskey and a glass but doesn’t pour it. “You really do look like shit, man.”
I drag my hands over my face. “You have no idea.”
“Girl problems?”
I’m not in the mood for talking. With anyone. “Can you just get me the whiskey?”
Zack nods. He knows I’m not going to talk about it. I set my phone down on the bar and immediately my mind moves to Raven and the fact that I want to call her, even if it’s just to hear her voice. A message pops up from Lenny.
Lenny: Hey, you were looking kind of rough today. Just checking on you. You doing ok?
If she only knew.
Me: I’m fine.
The truth is, I’m so far past fine I don’t even know how to find fine again. All this shit with Raven and Berkley and my parents are weighing on me. For the first six months with Raven, I didn’t think much about what happened with my parents and the whole Berkley thing. I focused on having fun and enjoying being with someone in the simplest of terms. But now she wants more and the fact that I can’t give her more pisses me off and throws everything back up in my face.
I’ve grown up knowing there’s certain things in my life and my body I would never have control over. I’ll be taking seizure medication for the rest of my life. Even without forgetting my meds, I still have them on occasion.
My point is, for years I’ve struggled with not wanting anyone to know. Mostly because I’m out of control when they happen, vulnerable to everything and everyone around me. For the longest time I had a hard time just thinking I was normal, because truthfully I wasn’t. I had to rely on pills for my brain to function properly and not drop to the ground in front of anyone.
And then after my breakup with Berkley, my mom tells me the medication I thought made me as close to normal as I could be took away any chance I had at having a family.
Just as I’m going over this in my head, fucking Berkley shows up.
I reach for the glass Zack must have put in front of me while I was having my pity party and down the amber liquid. I can’t remember how many I’ve had but the burn of the whiskey making its way down my throat is a relief.
An hour later, I’m still sitting at the bar when Zack asks, “Another one?”
I stare at the glass long enough to know I don’t need another, because I can’t tell whether the glass is full or empty.
“Nah, I’m done.” I throw down enough cash to cover my drinks and get up to leave. Just then, Berkley comes to stand in front of me, way too close for my comfort.
“What’s with you and Raven?” Berkley asks suddenly, her hand over mine like she’s ready to be there for me should I want to open my heart to her. That’s long gone. It left when I found out she cheated on me.
“It’s none of your business.”
“Can’t you just talk to me and look at me? I just want to talk. We were together for six years it’s the least you could do.”
The least I could do? What a fucking bitch.
“So I’ll ask again… you and Raven? I mean, I’m happy for you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I heard you and her were dating. I mean, she’s a little young for you but whatever.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“I’m just trying to have a conversation with you, Ty.” She lifts her hand and rests it on mine on the bar. “I just want us to be friends.”
I rip my hand away from hers. “Friends? We were never fucking friends. Maybe that’s part of our problem. We went from fucking to living together and never became friends.”
“You can’t say that,” she snaps, scowling at me, her words so sharp she probably wishes they could cut me. “You were happy when we were together.”
“Maybe so but friends don’t go behind friend’s backs and fuck around after six years.”
She’s shocked by my words because all this time she thinks her reasoning for our breakup was justified. She miscarried and needed to find herself. It wasn’t the truth.
Standing, I brush my body along hers. “Fuck your friendship. You wanna be friends, go suck Rawley’s dick. I’m sure he’s up for it.”
My gaze hardens, letting her know I’m serious and then I walk away, toward the door to where Rawley’s grinning, two chicks on his arms.
“What the fuck are you smiling at?”
He holds up his hands after slipping his cell phone in his pocket. “Nothin’, man.”
Nothing my ass.
I think about texting Raven when I leave because in the reality of all this, she’s the only one who hasn’t fucked me over. She’s honest and pure and loves me simply because she does. There’s nothing wrong with that either and in a way, it helps that she does.
I want that night with Raven for the first time back, that overwhelming sensation of her underneath me. I want that feeling I had of being completely at ease with her. Undoubtedly, I’m regretting not talking to her these last few weeks.
Fuck. I need her.
My life sucks.
No, really, I know that’s dramatic but those are my thoughts after the incident with Tyler. I mean, fuck, he drove an hour to get me at two in the morning, I puked on him and then told him I loved him and begged him to make love to me.
I can’t make this shit up.
And then I texted him the next day and haven’t heard anything from him. So naturally, I’m a nervous wreck the week before Thanksgiving and fuck up my marketing management final.
I’m walking back to my dorm room after class, a coffee in one hand and my phone in the other. Last year when I had a bad day, I texted Tyler and he’d come to my dorm or I’d sneak into his apartment late at night and everything would be better the next day.
Now that’s changed.
Staring at my phone, I want to text him when a message pops up from Rawley with a picture. Sliding my thumb over the screen, I open the message to see it’s one of Tyler at the bar and he’s sitting on a stool at the bar with Berkley, her hand over his. It’s like a fucking punch to my throat.
Rawley: Thought you should know….
He thought I should know?
I don’t reply at first because I’m honestly too shocked to even consider replying. At both Rawley and Tyler.
Me: Dude, why would you even send that to me? Are you trying to break my heart?
Rawley: No. Tyler does that on his own. Wanted you to know he’s still seeing her.
Me: You don’t know off one interaction that they’re seeing each other.
Rawley: True. I don’t. But I’d bet money he is.
Me: Shut up. Don’t ruin my night.
He doesn’t reply after that. I even text Lenny and ask her what’s going on.
Me: Lenny… is Tyler seeing Berkley?
It takes her an hour and I’m halfway through my marketing term paper but she replies.
Lenny: No. He can’t stand her.
I send the picture to her. Me: What does this look like then?
Lenny: Looks to me he’s leaving and whoever took the picture caught it out of context.
I guess I know why he didn’t reply to my message three weeks ago. Maybe he’s moved on and there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe the reason he can’t love me is because he’s still in love with her? Unlikely. Tyler holds grudges. I know that much. When he was fifteen, the neighbor kid hit him in the face with a baseball. Kno
cked out two teeth. To this day, Tyler won’t even acknowledge poor Johnny when he walks into Walker Automotive to get his oil changed. Maybe because it wasn’t an accident and Johnny meant to hit him, but still, years later, he apologized and Tyler wouldn’t accept it.
The likelihood of him forgiving Berkley is low, but there’s a girly part of me, the same part that got drunk and begged him to love me, thinks maybe he might because they have history together.
“WHAT DO YOU mean Tyler’s coming over for dinner?” I ask Lenny in horror as we stand in my mother’s kitchen peeling potatoes on Thanksgiving.
Lenny takes the potato peeler in her hand and points it at my face. “Don’t blame me. Mia invited him. And besides that, Tyler’s actually my family.”
She’s right. Tyler is the closest thing Lenny has to family. It’s easy to forget Lenny’s background because looking at her now, she’s completely comfortable in the life she and Red have. You’d never know what she’s been through in the last year from her abusive ex-husband to him coming after her and shooting Red in the chest. It’s amazing to me how well they’ve both adjusted to everything.
“I know that, but still….” I start sweating and my heart pounds in my chest, pretty much an indication that once I see him this will be a lot worse and it might possibly lead to me having a heart attack. I don’t know why but I assumed I wouldn’t see him this weekend and could silently avoid him. I mean, he hasn’t messaged me in weeks so it was possible but now highly unlikely unless I left. Which I wouldn’t do because Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
“What do I do?”
Lenny shrugs. “Maybe play hard to get?”
I sigh, my shoulders slumping forward. “I can’t. I’m incredibly easy to get.”
Trying not to think about him coming over, I turn my attention to cooking. By the way, I’m not good at it. In fact, I usually don’t cook at all but it certainly never stops my mom from trying to make me her little Betty Crocker.
I’m good at math and organization. Organization and my mother have never been friends. I’m too methodical for my mother’s style of cooking because she doesn’t use measuring cups. I can’t handle not being precise.
As I measure out the right amount of salt for the mashed potatoes, mom frowns in disappointment. “What are you doing, Raven? I just use a pinch.”
A pinch?
I look at Lenny. “A pinch is a teaspoon, right?”
She shrugs, hiding a grin and mixing the gravy on the stove, entertained by my weirdness. Most people are.
Just as I hear the front door open and voices in the family room indicating the arrival of someone I probably don’t want to see, mom pushes me toward the dining room. “Okay, let me handle the potatoes. How about you show Nova how to set the table?”
She’s not asking me, she’s telling me.
Nova’s staring at the china cabinet when I walk into the dining room, her hands on her hip. “Why are they kept in a cabinet?”
Reaching on the top of the cabinet, I bring down the key and unlock it. “They’re fancy dishes that Grandma wants to keep pretty so she puts them in a cabinet.”
Nova shrugs and reaches for one as soon as I open the cabinet. I help her so she doesn’t break them and within a minute we have the table set. Tears sting my eyes when I set the plate down where my dad would have been sitting. It’s the first Thanksgiving without him and it hurts. Bad. I can’t imagine what mom is going through today but the sensation stinging my chest is awful as I stare at the head of the table.
“What’s wrong?” Nova asks, curiously watching me. “Do you miss Papa?”
Looking down at Nova I see an understanding no five-year-old should have. I brush the falling tears aside and hand her the forks. “I’m okay. Here, put a fork next to each plate but make sure it’s straight.”
She doesn’t. I mean, she puts the forks by the plates next to the knives I place on the neatly folded napkins, but they’re at odd angles and it’s just not acceptable.
Each time I adjust one, I find them slightly twisted in another direction when I come back around the table. I know who’s doing it and lift the table cloth up to find Rawley underneath of the table.
“You’re a dick. Get up.”
He falls back on the floor laughing. “Took you long enough. Nova had all those knives straight the first time.”
Nova crawls on her knees and high-fives Rawley under the table. “Told you she’d fall for it.”
I have a distinct impression I was set up from the beginning. “Jerk.”
He grabs my ankle when I try to get away from them and I end up falling face first on the floor. Kicking at his head but missing, the two of us wrestle until he tickles my side and has Nova sit on my head. “Don’t let her up, Nova.”
“Tap out!” I scream, trying to move a forty-pound kid off my head.
“What does tap out mean?” Standing up, she stares down at Rawley and me.
“It means stop.”
“Tap that means—”
I slam my fist into Rawley’s side. “Don’t you dare tell her that.”
He laughs, or attempts to. I knocked the wind out of him with my punch.
Footsteps draw my attention over my shoulder as I frown at my twin brother. “You’re such a child.”
After shoving me into the table, Rawley walks away. “You started it.”
Turning my head, I wish I wouldn’t have. I’m not sure what to expect seeing Tyler today but he’s here, his back to me as he stands in the kitchen next to my mom.
Heat pricks my chest seeing him and being in the same room. “Thanks for inviting me,” he says to my mom, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
“You’re always welcome, Ty. You know that.” Setting down the spoon in her hand, she gives him a hug. “How’re your parents doing today?”
Tyler’s body tenses, his posture tight. “I’m sure they’re doing good.”
I’m sure they’re good? What does I’m sure mean?
He doesn’t notice me yet. He’s wearing loose fitting dark jeans with a navy blue sweater I know will bring out his eyes and my panties will come off.
Just don’t look him in the eyes.
Easier said than done. His eyes are so beautiful I automatically search them out. It’s like a habit I can’t stop. A nervous twitch or something.
“Is Raven here?” he asks, his hands in the pockets of his jeans now.
Is that excitement I hear in his voice?
Crap. Double crap. He’s looking for me. I’m trying to hide behind a dining room chair that probably couldn’t even hide Nova, let alone me.
He’s not talking to me but his voice invades me, makes me want the roughness against my skin and my name on his lips.
“Yeah, she’s in the dining room,” Mom says, ratting me out.
When I think I might be able to sneak away without him noticing me, he fucking turns and looks right at me like he knows I was standing here all along.
“Hey,” he says, so simple, like it shouldn’t mean anything but it does. It means everything to me because they’re the simplest of words spoken under the most awkward of situations.
“Why are you here?” I ask curiously, watching him as he walks toward me with a slow gait, his hands remaining in his pockets.
Why do you look so fucking good all the time?
I want to reach up and grab a fistful of his hair as it falls in his face. And then drop to my knees and give Wang a kiss.
Pathetic.
“Is it a problem I’m here?” His brow raises and I’m not sure what to say. He glances at me, and then back down.
Nope. Not a problem.
Liar.
Screw that. Yes! It’s a fucking problem!
“It’s a free country but aren’t you usually at your parents’ for Thanksgiving?”
He shrugs, his gaze darting from mine when Nova spots him. His jaw is tight and he doesn’t look relaxed any longer. “Things change.”
“Uncle Ty!”
Stepping over them, I walk into the kitchen where Lenny’s making whip cream and Red’s licking some from her finger, sucking it slowly in his mouth and grabbing her ass at the same time.
“You two are disgusting,” I grumble, bumping Lenny’s shoulder. When Red smiles and walks away, I give Lenny a serious stare. “What’s with Tyler? Why isn’t he at his parents’?”
She shrugs and leans into the counter. “I’m not sure. He won’t say but for the last three weeks he’s been all sorts of weird.”
“I told him I loved him when I was drunk,” I admit, my gaze dropping to the floor in what I can only describe as a moment of pure let down. I can’t believe I put myself out there like that.
Actually, yes. Yes I can. Alcohol makes me an idiot and emotionally unstable.
“Holy shit, really? You told him you loved him? Do you?”
“Yes, really. I did. And I think I do, but I was drunk and he drove to my school and picked my drunk ass up and took me back to my dorm. And I puked on him.”
It takes Lenny a moment to process what I’m telling her and then she shakes her head. “I don’t think that has anything to do with what’s going on with him. He’s been acting really weird at work lately. It’s something else.”
I hope it is but sadly, I don’t think she’s right. I mean, he’s clearly afraid of commitment and I basically told him that’s what I wanted. I don’t blame him for freaking out.
WITHIN AN HOUR after Tyler arrives, we’re all seated at the dinner table, an awkwardness settling over us when Red gives an expansive sigh, his gaze on his child not eating and building a mashed potato volcano. “Nova, stop playing with your food and eat it.”
“I don’t like food. And I ate dinner last night. Why do I have to eat today?”
Lenny leans over and brushes Nova’s curls out of her face. “Because Grandma spent a lot of time on the meal. You want to make her happy, right?”
Nova’s eyes dart to Mom who gives her a silly look, one eyebrow quirked and then she sticks her bottom lip out. “Won’t you eat, honey?”
“Fine.” Nova gives Red a scowl. “But only because Grammy asked.”
