by Shey Stahl
I’m thankful for Tyler’s return and relax a little, my stare on the remaining minutes of the football game. I can’t tell you who’s playing because though my gaze is locked on the television, my mind wanders to Tyler’s words in the bathroom and him telling me he missed me.
If he missed me, why is he so fucking distant? Why was he with Berkley just days after he rescued me from a frat party? I’m dying to ask him those questions too but I know the timing isn’t right.
“Hey, Tyler,” Rawley says at the door after kissing the top of my head. He’s standing there with Jude, the two of them getting ready to head out.
Tyler looks up at him, his eyes leaving the game for the first time in the last five minutes. “What?”
“Where’s Berkley tonight?”
Rawley is a motherfucker. He really is and I want to punch him in the throat.
Tyler tenses but doesn’t give his frustration away, his eyes snapping back to the television. “How the fuck should I know?”
Shrugging, Rawley leaves and no one pays any attention to his laughter. Little shit is so intent on causing a scene all the time I have no idea what’s going through his head.
When the game ends, Tyler finds me in the laundry room checking on my sweater, my mind scrambling with jumbled thoughts.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” he teases, leaning into the door.
“No, you have to stop following me.” I turn around, holding my sweater in my hand ready to go up to my old room and wallow in my self-pity of being in love with a man who will never love me.
Slowly he eases away from the doorway and it takes both of us a minute before our eyes find one another again. Tyler studies me, his blue eyes unnerving in thought. The air between us seems dense, like oil, so thick you can’t see through it.
The familiar heat spreads over me when his burning stare captivates me. He smiles, and I smile. That always present electricity and draw linger, charging the air and suffocating me to the point where I think I’m going to burst into flames.
I want to know what he’s thinking.
The blood in my face rises to the surface, my ears throbbing. “Why are you staring at me?”
“Come to my place tonight,” he replies without hesitation. “Please.”
Sometimes I think Tyler is using me for his own benefit, a comforting face when he doesn’t know what else he wants. I’m not sure I always believe that, especially now, but it’s easy to fall prey to it when I think about the message Rawley sent me a few weeks ago.
I didn’t want to believe Tyler would use me.
I raise my eyes to his and he grins, because he knows I can’t deny him. Fuck, he’s asking nicely and I can’t deny a man with manners, right?
I give him a smile. “Okay.”
I’m a fucking idiot.
“WHAT IS THIS?” I sigh, knowing what fucking idiots we’re both being in all this. We’re willingly hurting each other. I know it.
“What?” He’s staring up at the ceiling of his room, his arms draped over his head as if he knows how dumb this is himself.
“Us…” I motion around the bed of tangled sheets and scattered pillows making myself look him in the eye. “What are we doing, Tyler?”
“Whatever you want it to be.” His tone is casual, but his eyes are anxious. He moves and twists to hover over me again. His left hand moving under the sheets, raising my right thigh up his hip.
“No, seriously, what are we doing?” My eyes close when he enters me for the third time tonight, just before the sun’s rising. “If this was what I wanted, you’d be with me, only me.”
He can’t miss the way I say only me. And he doesn’t.
His stare moves to mine. He’s trying to keep the conversation light, but it can’t be, and he knows damn well it won’t. There’s hurt and resentment for what we’re doing, though we both avoid it.
I can see something in his life is changing him in ways I hate, something he’s not telling me. When I look into his eyes, I see stress where I once saw a bright-eyed guy living life to its fullest every day. Maybe it’s the stress of the job or the changes with him and Red, but maybe it’s more, maybe it’s me or Berkley. There’s just so many questions in my head I can’t handle it. Could it be that our situation is just as stressful on him as it is on me?
I hide my face in his neck. My breath catches as he rocks against me, harsh breathing and slow moans controlling me for a moment.
“It’s not like I’m sleeping with anyone else, Raven.” He props himself up with his elbows, his brow furrowing, but he keeps his movements slow.
My gaze drops from his, losing the battle, wilting under the burn of his eyes, and I know the discussion is over, as it always is. He gave me an answer, but I know I’m still not getting what I want. He might be sleeping with just me, but it doesn’t mean he wants anything more than he’s giving me now.
My body is tense, his words controlling my mood. He senses the change and shakes his head, pulling out of me and rolling to the side, never finishing, the moment ruined by words.
His jaw tightens and he brings the sheet up around his waist after discarding the condom in the trash next to his bed.
“Why can’t this ever be easy for us?” He’s staring at the wall now. “Why does it have to turn into this every time?”
You have no idea, Tyler. No fucking idea.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t want to be this girl.” Rolling to my side, I face him, needing to look in his eyes, only his found refuge in the ceiling.
“For fuck’s sake, Raven, you act like you’re just some girl I call every once in a while. You’re not.” The biting edge to his words make my entire body shudder with the emptiness of his words.
“Don’t you see? I am that girl because that’s the way it’s always been,” I tell him, desperate to keep him from pushing me away completely and seeing what this is doing to me by constantly falling back into this.
Tyler snorts out a laugh, his head shaking back and forth as he flops his arm over his face.
“We have absolutely no communication other than you calling when you need me or texting me that your wang misses his muff. What does that tell you about our relationship? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Maybe I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s not like we just met, I can tell there is something going on with you, aside from us. Let me in.” My eyes burn, and I keep blinking, hoping he won’t see the tears coming. The thought of him knowing how he truly feels is frightening.
Hearing the nervousness in my tone, he removes his arm, staring at me, his eyes consumed with emotion. There’s a scorching pain and anger just below the depths of his pupils but he gives me nothing verbally.
“I have to go,” I say, twisting to find my clothes on the floor. Tyler reaches for my hand and when I go to move, he stops me.
His hand closes on my upper arm, his gaze intent on mine. “Why does it have to be like this? You knew I couldn’t give you anything more than my friendship and sex. Why does it have to change now?”
“Tyler, I just don’t get it. Why can’t we have more?” My voice shakes with each word. Flinging my arm up, it breaks his hold on me. I want to punch something, maybe him at how selfish he’s being.
His jaw snaps closed and his eyes go wide with surprise question. Then he looks at the wall, the muscles in his jaw clenching. He doesn’t say anything, but it’s the answer I need.
“This is why I need to go.” I reach for my jeans on the floor, but he grabs my arm again.
“Damn it, why do you always do this?” His voice is louder than I’m expecting.
Digging out my cell phone in my bag near my jeans, I move to show Tyler the picture Rawley sent me of him and Berkley, a reminder of why I’m not good enough and should leave before this hurts my heart even more. I’ll admit, I’m a little self-conscious. What girl isn’t? Even if they tell you they’re not, I believe they are in some aspect of their life. Like it or not, because Tyler says he’s not in a po
sition to love me, I’m constantly comparing myself to Berkley. Maybe I’m not the type he wants, Lord knows she and I are completely different.
“This is why….” And then I show him the picture.
“Are you with Berkley?”
A thickness forms in the air, one that has me wanting to take a deep breath for relief. “No,” I say under my breath, but I don’t know why. I don’t need to lie to her. There’s nothing and never will be anything between Berkley and me again. “Where did you get that?”
She stands, her bag on her shoulder now like she’s going to leave with those words. No fucking way. “Does it matter?”
Is she serious?
She is.
“Yes, it fucking matters.” Ripping the sheet away, I stand, her eyes roaming over my naked body. Bending over, I pull my shorts from the floor on. “Who took that?”
“Rawley.” Her voice is timid, as if she didn’t want to tell me, but did.
Anger rushes through my veins. My hands shake as I run them through my hair just before yanking my shirt over my head. “What is he, in high school again? What the fuck?”
“He’s only looking out for me,” Raven mumbles, turning to walk into the living room.
“Yeah, and he’s fucking my ex. He’s looking out for himself is what he’s doing,” I yell, following her.
She stops at the door, but doesn’t face me. I hate that she’s thinking of walking out after accusing me of this shit. “What were you doing talking to her then?”
“She keeps trying to talk to me says she wants to be friends and I told her I didn’t want to be her goddamn friend,” my words are rushed and damn near pleading despite my anger for the situation and fucking Rawley, “she showed up at the bar to ask again.”
She turns now, her eyes on the floor, refusing to meet mine. “What did you say?”
“I told her to fuck off. I don’t need any more friends.” I snort once the reality of this argument sinks in, simmering below the surface. “And you know, it kind of pisses me off that I’m having to explain this shit to you.” I fling my hand up in the air. “Do you honestly think I’d go back to her after everything she did to me?”
Her back meets the door, still no eye contact. “I don’t know. I barely know why you guys broke up. And you can’t give me more than sex. What am I supposed to think other than she still has your heart?”
“All you need to know is that we broke up. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. It’s not like I’m getting back together with her. I’m done with her.” I take another step back hoping with the movement, she might look at me. “I’ve never given you a reason to think I would and just because Holden’s a cheating bastard doesn’t mean everyone is.” I hate mentioning Holden, I do, but I do it so she sees I’m nothing like him.
She doesn’t say anything. We both know I’ve avoided her real question, if only she knew. But I can’t open up to her. I can’t be who she needs me to be.
“This is what I was afraid of, Raven.” I take a step toward her, hoping she might let me touch her. “You’re overthinking it. Yeah, we’re not in a relationship by the definition you want, but when I’m with someone, I don’t fuck around.”
Raven sighs, shaking her head when my hand cups her cheek. She leans into it; she wants it there. “Tyler.” I can hear the dejection in her voice. “I don’t want to fight with you.” She smiles softly, but the action doesn’t touch her eyes. It’s more of a reflex, forced. “We used to have so much fun and I don’t know why that ended.”
“I’m sorry I overreacted.” Bringing her into my chest, I wrap my arms around her, my chin resting on her head. “I have a lot on my mind and when I’m with you, I’m able to relax. I just get mad when you question my intentions here and don’t give yourself enough credit. Whether you realize it or not, you’re one of the most important people in my life.”
She nods, her posture weakening.
I draw back, my hand under her chin. “Are you hungry?”
She nods again.
“Come on, I’ll make you something to eat.”
I FIX HER some eggs and toast that morning but there’s a nagging sensation clawing at my chest, I ask, “Are you mad I didn’t call? Is that what all this is about?”
She can’t look at me, her eyes are focused on her plate as she pushes the eggs around with her fork. Part of me doesn’t want her to look at me because I don’t want her seeing my guilt for not calling.
She shrugs.
Stepping around the counter, I turn her to face me on the stool. My left hand reaches to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.
Leaning in, her scent clouds my judgment. “I don’t know why I didn’t, Raven. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just I’ve got some messed-up shit in my head. It’s not you though. It’s never anything you’ve done.” My answer is real and just as raw as the pain hitting my chest because she won’t look at me. I can sense she’s distancing herself, protecting her heart from me and I get it, I do, doesn’t mean I like it.
Raven doesn’t say anything and I know what’s happening. She’s shutting herself down emotionally because she thinks I’m going to break her heart.
In some ways, I’m glad she is. In others, it hurts to know I’m willingly doing it. It’s the last thing I ever intended to do.
I’m trying my hardest not to react. I know I need to just be friends with him and not hope for more. I know I should tell him what’s going on between us is bullshit. I should tell him I deserve better than what I’m getting from him but the truth is, he’s giving me exactly what he always has. It’s me who decided it’s not good enough all of a sudden. If someone is going to have to change, it’s me and I know deep down that’s just not going to happen.
I guess in some ways it’s easier to play ostrich and bury my head in the sand to avoid the inevitable because the alternative is not having him at all. I can’t take that.
Finishing my eggs, I ask, “How’s work been going?” I’m trying to change the subject and I think he appreciates it.
Tyler laughs, taking the pan of eggs and placing a spoonful onto his own plate. He then sits next to me at the kitchen island. “Well, since Red found out about us, I’ve pretty much been handed every shit job imaginable but I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it. I changed oil for an entire week.”
Setting my fork down, I wipe my mouth with the napkin beside my plate and then fix my fork because it’s a bit lopsided. “Sorry, he’s a bit possessive.”
“Oh, I know.” He nods, his eyes on my fork, finding entertainment in my obsession for order. “I saw him when Holden broke your heart.”
My brow furrows. “You did?”
“Yeah, we paid him a little visit over the summer.” Tyler grins, as though he had fun doing it.
“What? I never knew about that!” And then I feel bad because that’s how strong their relationship was. Tyler and Red did everything together before he found out about us. Had I destroyed that? “I’m sorry, I put a strain on your relationship with your best friend.”
He holds up his hand to shut me up. “Raven, I was there too, with you, in that bed when it started. If I thought it’d destroy my relationship with him, I would have stopped. But give him more credit than that. He may not like it, but it’s really not up to him, is it?”
“It’s not.”
But it’s not up to me either.
I don’t say that and I know I’m a fucking idiot because despite everything he’s said, I know I should leave but instead, it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and give him whatever it is he’s willing to take from me.
Incredibly stupid on my part given my history.
“Well.” I stand. “I should get going.”
He sets his fork down and does the same. “You coming home this coming weekend?”
“I think so.”
He pulls me in for a hug, his arms wrapping around my waist and drawing me tight against his hard chest. “See you then?”
I try to co
ntrol the rapid beat of my heart by pulling in a deep breath. “Okay.”
RIGHT BEFORE I’M heading back to Eugene, I stop off at Red and Lenny’s house to say good-bye since it’s on the way to the interstate and I miss my friend.
“How’d it go?” Lenny asks the moment I’m inside the house and she’s sorting through a box on the floor.
I pull my hood up over my head dramatically and sit on the couch behind her. “Where’s Nova and Red?”
“I made them go pick out a tree together.” Lenny sighs, toying with an ornament in her hand. “I think Nova needs some alone time with him. She cried when we picked her up today.”
Leaning forward so my elbows are on my knees, I pull my hood off. “She’s just going through a rough patch, L. Give her some time. She loves you.”
“I know, I just feel like maybe Red and I moved too fast for her.”
“It’s not that. She did this when her mom died too. Gave him a run for his money but it’s not you, it’s just her. Red’s the same way. Hates change and then when he comes to terms with it, he’s fine.”
Lenny moves her legs out from under her, tossing the ornament aside. “Okay… I just don’t want them to think I’ve invaded their relationship, you know?”
I nod, because I totally get where she’s coming from on this one. I just don’t think that’s what’s happening. “You’re not. I’m telling you, it’ll blow over.”
“So….” She waggles her eyes suggestively. “What happened last night?”
“Well, we went back to his place, had sex two more times, he came on my face and then I think I pissed him off by bringing up Berkley.”
Lenny lets out a whistled breath. “Yeah, that’s a sure way to piss him off.” And then she frowns. “He came on your face?”
I nod, my cheeks burning with my admittance.
“He came on my face.”
“And you liked it?”
“Yes. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, I get into all that dirty shit with him and it confuses the hell out of me because he’s so damn nice and polite anywhere other than bed. It’s like here, I’ll hold the door and then later I’ll jizz on your face. And fuck, I’ll let him stick it in my ass too. If that’s not love”—I flop my arms up dramatically—“I don’t know what is.”
