Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  As crazy as it sounds, I’ll never be able to move on from him, if I keep seeing him. It’ll never happen; that’s how much power he has on me.

  I stand abruptly and run for the door, needing fresh air. The winter air hits me as soon as the door opens but it offers no relief. None.

  The parking lot’s crowded, people bringing in the New Year with their laughter while all I have inside me is hurt.

  “Stop following me,” I tell him when he’s standing before me.

  Tyler curves an eyebrow at me, waiting on my reaction, running the back of his hand over his jaw before burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You knew when you walked outside a bar, alone, I’d follow.” His eyes are cloudy, lost inside.

  “No, I didn’t know that.”

  LIAR!

  I attempt to move, make it to my car, but he stops me. Moving quickly, he traps me against the side of the building. Every hard line of his body presses me into the side of Murphy’s bar and I’m reminded of the night everything began with Tyler Hemming.

  He focuses on my lips, knowing what he is doing to me. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable by coming here. Red asked me to come out with them. He didn’t realize that we weren’t… on good terms.” His stare darts from my eyes to my lips and back again. He licks his lips and mine part in response. He always ignites a reaction from me even in anger.

  “I can’t be around you, Tyler.” My breath catches in my throat, and I’m trying to remind myself to focus on breathing. It seems like the moment our eyes actually meet, we’re back to being miles away from each other, distanced by what neither of us can say.

  “So you can’t even be in the same room with me now? Why? We used to be friends.” He glares, red-faced, eyes locked on mine, his chest rising and falling faster, clearly struggling to remain in control. Just like Christmas, he wants to say more to me, but there’s something stopping him. Pride maybe.

  “Because it makes it worse for me. Just because I can’t be with you doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to walk away. You hurt me, Tyler. I feel used. I feel like I was just a toy for you to use when you felt it was convenient. And now I’m putting distance between us because I can’t resist you. You say you want to be together but how do I know that’s not to get in my pants again and then you’ll walk away when you want? You’re right, we used to be friends but that was before I fell in love and now I can’t go back. I can’t risk my heart.”

  His brow pinches together with my words; his scowl set on mine. Cold blue eyes drop to the pavement as he lets go of my hand. Leaning in slowly, he whispers. “Just remember, Raven, I never wanted us to end like this.”

  Withdrawing, he turns and walks away, the cool night air shocking my face like he’s slapped me.

  I know exactly how this looks. Here I was a month ago begging him to love me and now I’m pushing him away. I’m in a constant battle with my head and my heart. This girl, the one pushing him away, I’m doing it because I’m tired of compromising my own self-worth.

  As you know, Valentine’s Day is the dumbest holiday ever.

  Imagine my joy when the hall I live in is having their annual Valentine’s Day Kiss Me celebration as I’m trying to make my way back to my dorm room after class. I had seen the signs declaring the annual celebration but I hadn’t really put much thought into the fact that it’s today. So while I’m unpleasantly surprised to see the crowds gathered, what really shocks me is seeing Holden, drunk off his ass with two girls on either side of him and smiling like the fool I know him to be.

  What truly pisses me off though is when he grabs my hand, letting the girls loose and yanks me to his chest, his dusty blond hair falling in his face. “This is the girl I want to kiss.”

  And he kisses me. Not just any kiss either. He fucking sticks his tongue in my mouth and grabs my ass in the process.

  Wide-eyed, the kiss-me twins next to him walk the other way about the time I shove Holden back against the wall he’s standing next to.

  “You douche dick.” I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth. A lot of the times, when I’m super pissed, my cussing doesn’t make sense. Like now. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  It hits me suddenly. The anger and humiliation that he did this in front of twenty or so people and they’re all waiting for my reaction. Everyone in the room is staring at me and I’m so embarrassed.

  My heart begins to beat rapidly, Holden staring stoically at me, waiting for my final reaction he knows is coming. He stands up straight and takes a step toward me. “Raven, just relax. It’s all in fun. You remember how to have fun, right?”

  You remember how to have fun, right? I repeat those words in my head several times.

  The sting of his cheek and my throbbing hand is my answer to that question. “You have no right to kiss me, ever again.”

  He humiliated me enough last year, what gives him the right to do it again? I want away from the crowd. Now.

  It’s around midnight when I’m finally climbing the stairs to my third floor dorm room. After the bullshit with Holden, I may or may not have decided a keg was my date tonight and had a few beers with those kiss-me twins. Turns out they were pretty cool chicks and what really made my night was that we all agreed Holden was a horrible kisser.

  STUMBLING DOWN THE hall, I look toward my room and see Tyler sitting in front of my door. Fucking Tyler. It’s like he knows when not to show up, and does.

  He doesn’t move. He’s just sitting on the floor, propped up by the door with his head in his hands.

  I walk slowly toward him. “What are you doing here?”

  He stands immediately, grabbing onto the door frame to steady himself. He then begins to chew nervously on his bottom lip and shoves his hands into the pockets of his loose fitting jeans. He’s wearing a dark gray hoodie with the hood pulled up over his head shadowing his eyes. “You didn’t answer my texts and I wanted to talk to you.”

  I want to laugh. But I don’t. “What do you want to talk about? I mean seriously, do you honestly believe we have anything more to say to each other?”

  There’s debate in his eyes. I can tell he’s doubting whether he should say anything at all. He pulls the hood off so I can see him more clearly. He’s different. Something in his intimidating stare tells me so but I can’t place the difference. “After what I saw earlier, I kinda want to talk about you and Holden.”

  A pain hits my chest. “What are you talking about?” I unlock my door, damn near tempted to slam it in his face, only he follows me inside, obviously wanting answers.

  Once inside he tilts his head back and leans up against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. Whatever it is, it’s hard for him to say. “You kissed him. I fucking saw you.”

  “I don’t know what you think you saw but that’s not what happened.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I’m not fucking stupid. I know what I saw. Did you want him to kiss you?” Tyler’s body remains rigid and unfamiliar, his eyes on mine waiting for a lie he assumes is coming.

  A mixture of shame and regret take over and my stomach dips. “No,” I eventually answer without meeting his eyes. How can he think I would want that after being with him?

  The very thought of Tyler believing I would kiss Holden willingly hurts, makes my chest burn. I wonder if I would react the same way if I saw him kiss Berkley.

  The answer is yes. I would. Hell, I did react that way based on a text message. And even after the last months and the way he’s treated me, I’d still have the same jealous reaction. I know I would.

  I lick my lips and his gaze follows, his brow furrowing. His anger smolders with an intensity so bright I want to squint. “Bullshit,” he snaps, shaking his head.

  He’s drunk. He has to be. What’s with the men in my life? Does Valentine’s Day to them just mean Be A Douche Day, treat women the absolute worst?

  “What the hell is with guys today? Why is it that you all think Valentine’s Day gives you a license to treat women like shit?”
>
  He stands there unsure how to answer my question.

  When did Tyler turn into this guy? Something inside of us became clouded when jealousy got the better of us. Our friendship was nothing like it started out as. That closeness is gone and we’re left with this, whatever this is.

  “He kissed me.” I try to keep my voice down. I didn’t want to draw attention to us in here, but I really wanted to scream this next part at him. “I didn’t ask for that, Tyler. I’m not, nor will I ever be with Holden again. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t take back assholes just because they decide they made a mistake.”

  He seems to soak this in before responding. He nods, tight and tortured, but he doesn’t say anything. Lightheaded, I take a seat on the edge of my bed but Tyler doesn’t move.

  Let me tell you something about Tyler. When pushed, he can and will respond like any man. Ask Rawley. I’ve seen it many times. I’ve just never been on the receiving end and I’m waiting for the explosion.

  I intend to walk outside and get some air. So much had already been said and I’m afraid if he says anything more, I may hate him.

  “You know, if you had stuck around for another thirty seconds instead of overreacting, you would have seen me deck him too.”

  He still says nothing.

  I face him, our bodies nearly touching now as we stand near the door. We’re so close his breath blows over my face and I know for sure he’s been drinking. “You don’t get to tell me who I can kiss. You can’t come in here and tell me who I can be with.”

  He rolls his eyes like he’s frustrated that I’m not getting it. “I came because I want you to be with me and instead of talking to me, you’re ignoring me.”

  With my arms crossed over my chest, my fingers are digging into the skin of my arms as I watch him. “Oh yeah? Well, how’s it feel?”

  He frowns and after about five seconds of thought, he slowly shakes his head. “Is that what this is about? Getting even like I purposely hurt you? Is that what this is?”

  I can’t believe we’re arguing about this. “Tyler, I don’t know what this is about. I don’t know why you’re even here.”

  He raises his hand to touch my cheek, conflict raging in his eyes. “I’m here because I want to be with you. I miss you.”

  “No, you’re here because you’re fucking drunk and lonely.”

  He shakes his head adamantly. “No, that’s bullshit.” He tosses his hand lazily in the air and I take a step back against the wall behind my door, the one scattered with pictures of my family and him. He’s looking at me now, thick black brows slanting over his eyes in a deep scowl. “Six weeks, Raven. Six fucking weeks I’ve been trying to talk to you. Being drunk only gave me the courage to come here and put an end to it. I’m sure you can relate. You remember don’t you? That night in this very room when you were drunk and told me you loved me?”

  In my head, I do the math, because I’m weird like that. I’m trying to figure out if it’s been six weeks since New Year’s and he’s wrong, it’s been almost eight but I’m not going to correct him on his math. “I can’t believe you’re bringing that up now.”

  He stares at me as if I’m missing something obvious. I can see the war waging inside of him because he knows he’s not getting anywhere. “Why wouldn’t I? Have your feelings changed that much that you don’t love me anymore?” I can tell by the wavering in his tone those words were some of the hardest he’s ever had to say.

  Do I still love him?

  So fucking much it’s sickening.

  Tears sting my eyes but the last thing I want to do is cry in front of him. “You don’t’ get it, Tyler. It’s not a matter of not loving you. It’s me not wanting to be hurt again.”

  Disappointed, his head drops and he shakes it back and forth. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I know, but this is me protecting me for once.” The words burn in my throat. “My feelings haven’t changed but neither has our situation. I’m still in college. You’re still you. Twenty-six and not wanting drama.”

  He grimaces with every word. His jaw hardens. That hit home.

  “Why are you coming in here acting like this is about Holden kissing me and not what it’s really about? You’re here because of your agenda and getting what you want. Well tough shit because my twenty-year-old drama filled life has no room for you anymore.”

  Holy hell I’ve got some balls this morning.

  “Jesus!” he says through gritted teeth in a shouted whisper, his tone harsh and louder than before. “Why does it always fucking come back to this? I told you I was sorry for what I said and I fucking meant it.”

  I’m slow to respond to him. Stunned by the way he’s staring at me. “Keep your voice down,” I warn him. Pressing my finger to my lips, I point to the door. The last thing I need is people hearing this and calling security.

  Tyler lowers his voice and stares at the wall. After a moment, he shakes his head. He sighs. “What the fuck are we doing?” His chest expands, his darkened eyes meeting mine. “Do you wish we would have never started? Is that what this is? Do you regret it?”

  His eyes burn into mine, waiting for me to answer him.

  Looking away, I say, “No. I would never want that. I don’t regret it.”

  He’s silent for a moment, his arms crossed over his chest, his head hanging and eyes on the floor.

  “What I regret is that you can’t see our problems are so much more than this.”

  He says nothing. Because he knows.

  I shake my head, completely worn out by this and him. “I’m so tired of having this same argument with you.”

  “Then stop having it,” he says, as if it’s that easy for me to let go of this.

  “You would say that.” I can feel the resentment burning behind my words.

  “Yeah, I would, because you’re forgetting I asked you for more.”

  “And I begged you for more way before you pulled your head out of your ass,” I seethe back at him. “Have you ever stopped to think about what you’ve done to me?” I can tell by the look on his face he hasn’t. And still hasn’t. So I let him know. “You made me into the insecure girl who considers herself not good enough for someone like you. How do you think that made me feel? You committed to Berkley but yet me, no, never. You never even gave me the option. And now, because you’ve suddenly decided, I’m supposed to consider forever because you’re feeling shitty about it?”

  His face hardens, a flood of anger coming with it. His finger points accusingly at me, his breathing so heavy he can barely get out the words. “You don’t know a fucking thing about what I’m feeling!” He shakes his head again, grabbing the back of his neck, his eyes on the floor, as if I don’t deserve their depth.

  “So tell me then! You give me nothing, Tyler. Nothing to go on. It’s like you’re a fucking lock and I’m supposed to know the right combination but I don’t.”

  I repeat my words in my head for a moment because I’m not entirely sure they made sense to him.

  When he doesn’t answer me, I draw in a heavy breath, ready to explode.

  I shift my stance, my hands thrown up in the air. “This is so stupid, Tyler. You tell me you don’t want drama but here you are creating it. We’re acting like kids.”

  His mouth twists in a scowl delivered my way. His eyes are hard, lips parting as he speaks. “You don’t think I know that?” The bitter laugh returns when he looks up at me.

  I find my voice. “Then stop.”

  Opening the door to my dorm room, intending on getting air, Tyler catches it. His hand, up near the top, slams it closed with little effort, the sound echoing through the room. “You don’t say shit like that and walk away.”

  “Shit like what?” Every time we disagree about anything, we come back to this same argument and these same reactions. “Tyler, we’re not even dating yet we fight like insecure high schoolers.”

  When I turn back to Tyler, his eyes say a lot. “Fuck, Raven!” He starts pacing the place beside m
y bed. His all-too-cold eyes shift from the floor to me when he stops pacing. Hell, I couldn’t even tell if he was breathing at all with how still he’d become. “You think I want this? To be so obsessed with you that I’m fucking hanging around a college dorm hoping you’ll give us a chance? You’re the one who said you wanted more first, and then I came around to the idea and you tell me no. You’ve moved on. How could you move on so quickly?”

  That’s a good question. But then again, it’s not all that complicated after what he said to me in the rain. He made me feel like I’d never be good enough for him. Why can’t he see what a slap in the face this was to me?

  “Because you made me move on. You told me not to love you. What was I supposed to think? You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be yours. Apparently what we had didn’t matter enough to you.”

  And I’m a fucking idiot. I want to slap my hand over my mouth so I don’t say anymore. I know what we had mattered to him. It had to have because he’s here now.

  He gives me that nod, the one he gives when he was so angry he can’t speak. His stomach pulls in, a long deep breath as if to calm himself a little. “It fucking matters, Raven!”

  “It matters that you’re just being a selfish asshole because I won’t put out anymore.”

  Jesus Christ. I should have stopped at my first stupid comment.

  Tyler’s anger, when pushed far enough, is a sight I’ll never forget. I’ve heard about it from Red, but never seen him this out of control.

  I hear the crash first, my bookshelf on my desk hits the ground and then my laptop smashing against the wall beside me. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t ya?” His words come out in a growl but he keeps his distance from me, pushed back against the wall as if he’s needing the separation now more than ever. “You know me, right? I fucked you all summer just for the fun of it and then keep coming back to hurt you more. That was my fucking plan all along. I’m fucking here, right now, trying to get you to see it was more than sex to me!”