by Shey Stahl
There’s a knock on the door and Red steps in, giving a nod to the doctor. He then stands at the end of the bed near the window. He doesn’t say anything and looks at both of us.
The doctor stands. “Also, your license will be suspended. Any time someone has a seizure, they lose their license for a period of at least three months, sometimes longer.”
Fuck. I knew that was coming.
Red clears his throat, taking the doctors attention. “How long will he be here?”
The doctor turns to look back at me. “We’re going keep you here for about three more days and then you should be able to go home to your family.”
Family? What family? The memories of the argument I had with my parents and the harsh words I said to Raven come crashing back. Though everything’s fuzzy, I know I probably destroyed any remaining love she had for me.
Red doesn’t miss the look that flashes on my face when he says family. He waits for the doctor to leave before his gaze returns to mine.
I’m the first to speak and say, “Sorry.” I know it’s probably not enough, but it’s the only thing I can think to say.
He shrugs, shaking his head. He’s struggling with what to say to me.
It’s five minutes at least before he tips his head, a contemplative expression guarding his real feelings. “Look, Tyler, I don’t know what’s going on with you… but I do know that you’re going through some shit and I’m sorry about that. I know I wasn’t easy on you with the whole Raven thing, but you fucked up big this time.”
I try to draw in a deep breath but it hurts. “I know.”
Red walks over and takes the seat the doctor vacated next to my bed. He leans forward resting his elbows on his knees, turning his head so he’s looking me in the eyes. “They pulled your license and you’re fucking lucky as hell that your blood tests came back below the legal limit or they would be charging you with DWI as well.”
Damn. I had it revoked when I was eighteen for a seizure and I knew getting it back was a bitch. You had to go three to six months without a seizure and then go through a shitload of tests just to get it back.
He clears his throat. “I don’t think I have to tell you but your job requires you to have a valid driver’s license.”
I nod, because I know this. You don’t think about the consequences when it’s happening but the aftermath can be brutal.
His stare remains on mine. “You covered for me when I needed you and I’m gonna do the same for you. You’re not losing your job. We’ll figure something out.”
I nod again, relief washing over me. Drawing in another shaky breath, I say, “I’m sorry, man. I know I’ve fucked up big time but I’ll be damned if I know how I let it get this bad.” Tears sting my eyes and it fucking pisses me off that I can’t control my emotions.
“We’ll get through this.” He chuckles, leaning back in the chair beside the bed. “At least you weren’t shot, man.”
I try to laugh but it hurts my head. “Yeah, there’s that.”
“Seriously though, Tyler, what’s been going on with you? You’ve been in a downward spiral for months and honestly, you’ve got us worried.”
Ever since Red was shot, he’s tried to be more open and accessible. Talking about feelings was never our thing but I guess something changes in you when you’ve looked death in the face.
“I don’t know, man. It’s just been one thing after another. After Berkley lost the baby and left me, I went to my parents’ house to tell them about everything that was going on.” I take a deep breath. Telling Red is the right thing. He deserves to know why I’ve been acting the way I have but once I say it, once it’s out there, there’s no taking it back. “So a month later, I told my mom about Berkley and losing the baby and how upset I was because I was excited about starting a family.”
Turning away from him, I gaze at my hands, not wanting to see his expression when I share this next part.
“I expected her to be upset too. I figured being a grandma was something she would be excited about and to lose the chance before she even knew she had it would be hard. But, man, was I wrong. Instead of disappointment in losing the baby, she told me that Berkley couldn’t have been pregnant with my baby because my epilepsy medication would more than likely make me sterile. So basically my mom casually informed me that not only would I most likely never be a father, but that my girlfriend of six years cheated on me and got pregnant by some other douchebag then proceeded to tell me it was mine.”
Taking a deep breath, I return my stare to Red’s and when I do, I’m surprised to see no pity or sadness, but anger.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell didn’t your parents tell you this before?” I know that tone. It’s Red’s protective growl and even though it may make me sound like a pussy, it makes me happy to know someone is on my side. “Yeah, well I asked that same question and apparently they didn’t think it was important enough of a detail to tell me when I was younger and then over time, the right moment for them to tell their son he is most likely sterile never presented itself.”
Red sits for a minute, I assume taking in everything I’ve said, before he leans forward. “Wait, you said that the medication would more than likely make you infertile, but how can you be sure? Maybe you’re the exception.”
Shaking my head, I return my gaze to my hands. “No. I went and got tested after my mom dropped the bomb and the doctors were right. I’m shooting blanks. Would have been nice to know when I was in high school and spent a shit ton of money on condoms.” I try to smile, making light of a difficult conversation, but I don’t have it in me.
He sighs, his arms crossed over his chest. “So who the fuck’s baby was Berkley carrying?”
“I don’t know for sure but I have my suspicions.” I clench my hands into fists. I’ve gone over this in my head at least a hundred times and the only name that keeps coming to mind is Rawley. He’s been fucking her for months. Who’s to say it didn’t start before we broke up? But would he really do something like that? Did he have it in him?
Red knows me and the look on my face. “I know what you’re thinking, Tyler, and I just can’t believe Rawley would do that. Yeah, he’s been acting like a real dick lately, but he’s known you most of his life and I can’t believe he would cross that line with you.”
I shake my head. “Does it really matter? She cheated, got pregnant and then had the fucking nerve to tell me it was mine. I don’t know that I would hold it against him if it was him, you know. I’m more upset that she didn’t value the six years we were together and threw it away. She probably didn’t even know who the damn father was.”
Red’s quiet for a moment, the two of us looking at the snow falling outside. It’s late in the year for it to snow, but apparently the weather was like me and couldn’t get it’s shit together either.
“Okay, so I get why you’ve been acting so off lately but what about Raven? Does she know about this?” Red looks over at me, waiting for an answer.
It’s the first we’ve talked about Raven since that conversation in the bar. The one where he hit me for fucking his little sister. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything. I’m pretty sure being hit today would suck, but I know he wants to know. “No, I haven’t told her,” I say, my stare on my IV in my hand “Honestly, it’s why I tried to avoid having a real relationship with her for so long. How can I ask her to give up a chance to have a family just to be with me? I mean she’s twenty years old. She’s in college. She shouldn’t be making decisions like this before getting to really find out what she wants.”
“Tyler, I think we both know that my sister doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Don’t you think you owe it to her to make up her own mind? How do you even know she wants kids? You need to tell her about this.”
“That’s just it. I don’t. I haven’t told her my reasoning. And I don’t think at twenty, she knows what she wants either,” I tell him. “How can she? What if I tell her and sh
e doesn’t care now, but what happens five or even ten years from now when she sees some couple pushing a stroller down the street and all of a sudden it hits her that she wants that but she’s trapped with a man who can’t give it to her? What then?”
Red raises his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it slowly and then lets out a deep breath. “Raven has always been what my grandma used to call an old soul. Ever since she was young, she was always so much more mature and capable of making decisions that were well thought out. Hell, my dad used to joke that she sucked all of the maturity and common sense out of Rawley in the womb. I think you need to give her more credit. She knows what she wants, always has.”
I laugh lightly. He’s absolutely right. But it doesn’t change what I said to her. “Yeah, well that’s probably not an option now anyway. Before the crash I went to her dorm room to talk to her and we had a pretty big argument. I left after she told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore so I don’t think whether I can have kids really matters to her.”
He gives a nod to the door, a slow decisive lift of his chin. “Well, judging by the way she acted while waiting to hear from your doctors, I’m gonna call bullshit on that, but that’s between you two. Talk to her, man.”
There’s a pain deep inside my chest when I hear that. “She’s here?” After our argument, I didn’t think she would have come. Not that I remember everything that was said, but I know shit got ugly.
“She’s been here for two days. Hasn’t left once.”
The pain intensifies to the point where I turn to look back out the window. The snow keeps on falling and all I can think is could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, that even though she said she’s not willing to risk being hurt by me again, she still loves me enough to take the leap?
It’s then I know Red’s right. Enough is enough. I need to tell her why I’ve pushed her away so much.
IT’S ONLY MINUTES after Red leaves when a red-faced Raven comes through the door. Her eyes are bloodshot, the sleeves of her gray hoodie pulled down over her hands as she wipes her cheeks. While she’s been crying and I can’t judge whether she’s sad or mad so I figure there’s a fifty-fifty chance I’m going to get yelled at.
I hold up my hand. “Don’t come in here if we’re going to fight. I’m highly medicated and there’s a no fighting policy.”
She laughs and closes the door behind her. “I didn’t come here to fight.” Taking the few steps from the door to the chair Red was just sitting in, she takes my hand in hers. “You scared the crap out of me!”
“Yeah, well,” I chuckle softly, my voice rough from the breathing tube I had, “I scared the crap out of myself and a farmer, apparently.” Truth be told, the reality of my decision is what scares me. And the fact that I wasted so much time with Raven because I thought I knew what she wanted. I don’t know what she wants.
“What happened?” she finally asks, probably curious if I remember anything.
Though the events are hazy, I remember most of what happened in her dorm. It takes me a minute to reply. I’m staring at her face, remembering everything I love about her, and the real possibility that she can walk out of here and I might not ever see her again. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. “I don’t remember all of it, but I know I was pissed off that morning because of what my meds had done and decided fuck it, I’m not taking them anymore. I admit, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever had.” I blew out a breath and stared at her. “And then I went to see you….”
She gasps, shaking her head in disbelief I made such an irresponsible decision but there’s confusion written all over her face. Probably wondering why I was upset with my medication. She focuses on the bigger issue at hand when she asks, “What the hell were you thinking, Tyler? You could have died.”
“I know. Believe me, I know, but at the time I was just so fucking pissed. Pissed at my parents, pissed at Berkley and so damn pissed at my own body for betraying me. I mean, shit, I literally can’t control my own brain. I was just tired of feeling so out of control of my own life. So yeah, I knew when I didn’t take my meds that morning something could happen.” I stare at my hands instead of her face because the disapproving look she’s handing me, isn’t one I want to see. “But honestly, part of me was okay with that.”
Maybe she understands, or thinks she does, or wants to, but she’ll never truly get it because I can’t explain it.
“I’m just glad you’re gonna be okay,” she says softly, bringing my hand to her lips.
“Are you?” My voice is rough, my gaze on her, waiting.
“God, Tyler, how can you ask that? Of course I care whether you’re okay. You know how I feel.” There’s a sense of pleading in her tone and I know she’s not lying. “Don’t you get it, it’s not about whether I love you. It’s been about you loving me the way I need. You made it clear you didn’t want that and then suddenly you did. It’s all just going to take some time for me to catch up.”
I’m not sure how to tell her this, so I blurt it out. “There’s something I’m not telling you, something I should have been honest with you about when I figured out my feelings in the first place.”
Her face pales. “What? You’re not really dying, are you?”
“No, nothing like that.” My hand slides slowly across the white blanket, to the very edge where she takes it. “Do you remember when I walked into Murphy’s that night and you asked me what I was drinking away with a bottle of whiskey and I wouldn’t answer you?” She nods so I continue, our eyes locked on one another, “That afternoon I had just found out that the medicine I’m on for my epilepsy caused me to become infertile. I had gotten the results back about an hour before I saw you. And not only that, but it meant that Berkley had cheated on me.”
For a moment, Raven remains quiet, soaking in what I just told her and her expression is completely unreadable and it drives me fucking insane that I can’t hear her thought process. I desperately want to know her reaction to it. Was it anything like mine when I found out? Probably not but I remember the knotting in my stomach, the way my heart raced and the haze of confusion that took over. It was almost as if I didn’t know myself anymore.
Raven tilts her head ever so slightly, her only indication she actually heard anything I said to her. My heart races, the monitor beside the bed a clear indication I’m nervous.
Raven blinks, twice, and then reaches for my hand. “God, Tyler. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must be like for you.”
Relief washes over me but my mind clouds with uneasiness. Mostly because she’s not upset, though I still think she has a right to be and maybe that’s coming later, but for now, I’ll take what she’s giving me. “I thought I knew what I didn’t want, but I was wrong,” I say the words tentatively as if I’m testing them out. “I didn’t want to fall in love with you because I didn’t want to get hurt. And I didn’t want to hurt you in the process, but I did.” It’s that moment, the one where I have to breathe deeply before continuing to keep from crying and when I do, the words tremble like my heart, knowing this girl, she’s the one. Maybe she always has been and it took this to see it. “I thought the best thing for you would be to find someone else because I couldn’t give you the life you deserve, but the truth is I can’t do it. I’m too selfish. I want you. Hell, I need you and even though the thought of you someday changing your mind and realizing you want more than I can give scares the shit out of me, but I can’t find it within myself to truly let you go.”
Just as I expect, anger rises up in her and her cheeks flush. “I should be totally fucking pissed at you right now for putting me through all this. And if you didn’t just have brain surgery I’d totally punch you in the face.” My eyes are wide when she leans in and yanks my hand into hers holding it tightly. I’m not sure what she’s about to do but she surprises me when she takes a calming breath. “At this point in my life, I’m not ready for kids either and if I am in the future, we’ll discuss our options then.” Her face is full of strength, sh
ining with a steadfast and serene peace that reminds me of Lyric. “I know it means something to you to father your own, but if it’s not a possibility, it’s just not. We work around it.” Tears spill down her cheeks, and my emotions return, my throat and chest tightening. “I’m not saying no to a relationship with you, because you’re the only one I want, but I’m not saying yes just yet. I think we’ve been through too much to just jump back into things so suddenly. Would you be okay with us taking it slow, just for now?”
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I breathe out the heavy breath I’d been holding. “Yeah, I can take it slow.”
She can barely control her crying. It’s bordering on hysterical when I give her an emotional chuckle and pull her into my arms. I want to sink to my knees at the thought of losing her.
“I’m sorry, Tyler. For everything I said.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. We both said things we didn’t mean. But I have to ask, Raven, what is it that you want?” I ask, my voice uneven as if I’m nearing tears too and I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually asked her what she wanted.
“I want you. I do. If these last two days taught me anything, it’s that there’s no question about it. I’m in love with you.” She holds up her hand. “I still want to take it slow though. We have a lot of things to work out but I know that I want you.”
Nodding, I draw back, my hands cupping her cheeks. “What part?”
She sighs, smiling. “All of you.”
There’s a moment where she watches me, as though she’s remembering something, or maybe nothing at all. I’m not sure and I can’t tell because I’m more caught up in the fact that she still wants me.
“I’m sorry,” she says suddenly crying into her hands, the tears returning. “I’m so sorry. I should have done something to stop you from leaving that night.”
Taking her hand in mine, I bring it to my lips. “Hey, don’t be. None of this is your fault. You weren’t the one who didn’t take his seizure medication and then made a complete ass out of himself.”
