His voice cracked as his eyes locked on me, somehow singling me out in a room filled with hundreds of screaming fans. I wondered if he was reacting to me being in the venue, or if it was purposeful, to show the emotion of the song. It didn’t matter what the reason was. Tingles shot across my arms, coursing through my body with a chill despite the sweat dripping down my back. I never even bothered to listen to the album. I had no idea what to expect.
“Don’t you see my fate?
The shards of you
The shards of me…draw blood with each step I take
I should’ve known…but I was powerless
If only I could stop the tide as it drags me to my fate.”
My chest heaved against my arms as I fought the spinning of the room. Adam was talking about me. The beat darkened, and I watched him, my eyes unable to pull away even though I knew I needed to get out of there. I was going to pass out if I kept watching, but God, I needed to. I needed the reality of what his voice was telling me. It was like the air I needed to breathe, and the pause in the music made my eyes pop with stars from lack of oxygen. When he opened his mouth, a scream came out.
“Don’t you see!”
His voice drifted back to singing. “You’ll forsake me with each breath you take.”
He leaned forward, grabbing the microphone as the muscles in his neck tensed with another scream. “Can’t you see!”
The scream faded into singing. “I’ll only shatter.”
Then returned and shook into me. “Don’t you see!”
“I’ll break you.”
The crowd tilted forward, and the world seemed to move with them shifting me until my feet seemed to be heading in the same direction. My stomach rolled as the heat in the room slapped into me, sweat now dripping down my chest. The song continued.
“Emptiness in silence,
Nothing will bring me back to you.
Beneath the waves of pain, I drown.
Let me succumb to my fate.
It’s my lack of faith!”
His voice broke at the end of the scream, and the crowd roared. I grabbed onto Charlie’s jumping body, and she looked over at me, her smile quickly disappearing as she looked down at me and stopped moving.
Adam’s voice softened as he whispered-sang. “That anything will be able to take me back to you.”
I couldn’t hear Charlie over the crowd as my eyes moved from her back to the stage. Adam’s hand reached forward as the other gripped the microphone and his forearm rippled beneath the ink. He growled out the next lyrics.
“Beneath…there’s no heart,
No soul.
I’ll set you free.
Every part of me, and the emptiness in silence,
Will bring me back to you.”
Emptiness in silence? Silence could say so much. It had said so much.
Adam grabbed the microphone off the stand and put his foot on the blockade, jeans tightening in all the right places. The mic went into the crowd as they screamed the lyrics. “I’ll shatter…I’ll break.”
The microphone went back to his lips as he growled the rest. “My soul!”
I blinked hard. How could I make it through an hour of this? Lyrics so pointed at me, and Adam so utterly in control of everything?
The music softened as Adam sang.
“Somehow I’ll find my way,
Even in the darkest fate…
To my heart…”
Me. He wanted to find his way back to me, or when he wrote the song he did. The room spun as the cacophony of the screaming crowd burst. My stomach lurched as I turned, rushing to the violent red EXIT sign. I slammed my body into the swinging doors as Adam’s voice whispered across the room.
“My soul…the missing parts of you…back to shore.”
I looked to the left and the right, my hand covering my mouth as I looked for the sign for the restroom. My eyes landed on it, and I stumbled into it, pushing the door open and grabbing for the trash bin just as my stomach lurched again. I put the trash down, moving to the sink and turning the water on to splash it over my face. I braced my hands against the sink.
Missing parts of me?
He didn’t even know me anymore, and I didn’t know him. Hell, I wondered if we ever really knew one another. If he had known me, he’d have figured out the Bobby thing and left me be.
Wouldn’t he have? Did it matter?
I looked up to the mirror just as the bathroom door swung open, and as I stared into West’s green eyes in the reflection, I knew what I came here to figure out.
I was utterly in love with West.
That was it.
It didn’t matter if things were all reversed about Adam and Bobby. The only thing that mattered was the man standing in front of me with a look in his eyes like I’d shattered him. I turned slowly to look at West, and he looked over his shoulder before entering the room. I rushed into his arms, and his body trembled against me as his hands tangled in my hair.
“Are you okay?” His voice was thick with emotion.
I nodded into his chest, breathing in his scent until it calmed my senses. I looked up, and he took my face into his hands.
“I arranged for you to get backstage,” he said, and my chin pulled back into my neck. He pushed a piece of hair out of my eyes, his gaze following his hands instead of looking at me. “You need to talk to him.”
“Yeah,” I replied, and his chest hitched. “But not because of the reason you think.”
He licked his lips. “You can’t know what I’m thinking.”
Chapter 18
Adam
I knew there was a risk in playing in Boston. I could run into River anywhere, but hell if I thought it would be at the venue we were playing in. River should’ve hated me after the way I left things. For a long time, I hated myself for the way I left things. I swallowed as I looked at the band behind me and gave a nod. My eyes caught Tara standing on the side of the stage. She didn’t know River was here because otherwise, she’d be seething. She always got that way when River or the fact most of the songs on the EP were about her was mentioned. I tried not to look back at River. I didn’t want Tara to fly off the handle at a concert. She’d been on edge since we’d headed back up the East Coast. I went through the motions, my body hitting autopilot as I sunk into the riffs of the song. I kept my eyes off River until I saw that sparkly silver shirt of hers darting towards the exit as the song came to a close.Followed by West Brighton.
And right behind her was West Brighton.
I didn’t have time to figure out why he was following her. Instead, I sunk into the music, keeping my mind occupied with not forgetting any words. River had to know these songs were about her. It had always bugged me that these simple words could burn a hole through her, but I’d told myself I knew River would never listen to them. Just like I wouldn’t watch the video of her singing at Bobby’s memorial. We continued through our set, and I kept my eyes moving through the crowd, connecting with them blindly as I tried to avoid seeing her. I didn’t know where she’d gone, or if she’d stayed. My stomach twisted as we finished our last song, and we headed off stage.
“Hey,” Tara said, tossing me a towel. I wiped my forehead and neck with it. “The crowd loved you guys! I bet a lot of them came out to see you and not Makeshift.”
“Oh, thanks, thanks a lot,” Zach said as he passed us on his way to the stage.
I chuckled to myself. “That would be cool.”
Tara squeezed my bicep, letting her fingers linger on my warm skin, made warmer by her touch. Her brown eyes twinkled. “Soon you’ll be headlining your own tour.”
“If you have anything to say about it,” I replied, wiggling my eyebrows at her. Her cheeks blushed, and I fought the urge to kiss her. I’d been trying to resist the urge for months now. When River and I split, Tara had chosen sides. I hadn’t wanted her to, but when she agreed to come on the road with us, I was happy. She kept me level when River only derailed me. My eyes rose from hers to see Mark
standing outside of the band room.
“Brighton’s here,” Mark said, and his jaw clenched.
“Yeah, I saw,” I replied, ready to head inside, but Mark barred our way with his arm.
He lowered his head, his voice thick. “River’s here with him.”
“With him?” I repeated, and I felt Tara tense next to me. Her fingernails dug into my arm. I’d forgotten her hand was there when Mark mentioned River.
“With him.” Mark’s voice intoned the meaning.
River was with West.
I nodded, and Mark went inside. I caught the sound of her voice, and my feet moved forward, only to be stopped by Tara’s firm grip on me.
“Please don’t,” she whispered, and I turned to face her. Her eyes rushed over mine, and I pulled on my ear.
“It’ll be fine, Tara, as long as you don’t try to beat the shit out of her,” I replied, and she swallowed hard. She didn’t find it funny, and that wasn’t why she was upset. “Why are you so worried about us seeing her?”
“We…I mean.” She looked down at our hands, now woven together. I hadn’t even realized it happened. That’s the way it was with her. Natural. That’s why I’d asked her to come on tour with us. She’d kept me level even when I was falling off the edge. Where River tried to stop my drinking, Tara just made sure I didn’t kill myself. She understood. When I couldn’t talk to River, she’d been there, and I’d been there for her as she found herself again.
I lowered my head. “We’ll be fine; you and I.”
“Once you walk in there everything will change,” she said, and I tilted her chin up.
“You’re my best friend, Tara. You get me. River doesn’t. Nothing that happens in that room will change that.”
“But you and Bobby both loved her.”
“Loved, Tara, as in past tense,” I said, and my body leaned towards her. I should’ve told her how I felt, but I couldn’t. She was my brother’s girlfriend, or she had been when he was alive. I’d fucked up stealing River from him. I wasn’t going to betray him in death by hooking up with Tara. Her lips trembled along with the rest of her. Fierce Tara was mortified of River. It was laughable. “The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get you that eggplant parm you’ve been craving.”
She nodded, and I squeezed her hands before turning into the room. My chest constricted when I saw West and River. He had his arm around her waist, thumb in her jean pocket, and she trembled with nerves. When she looked up at him, the trembling stopped. He seemed to hold her together. I’d never been able to do that. I swallowed as he looked over at me, and I pulled him into a hug.
“Good to see you, man,” I said, my voice deeper than I meant it to be. I cleared my throat before looking over at River. She licked her lips before giving me a weak smile. “River.”
The air whooshed over her lips, and she turned pink. “Hi, Adam.”
“It’s been awhile,” I said as they took a seat. I sat next to Tara who had her arms crossed.
“Yeah. It’s good to see you.” River’s eyes went to Tara, pain flashing in them. “Both of you.”
Tara scoffed. I hadn’t been a fan of the way Tara had left things with River, but I never pushed the way she ended their friendship because it benefited me. Now, I saw how much it had hurt River. As if I hadn’t done enough damage.
My wallet seemed to burn in my pocket. Inside there was a little piece of paper with River’s half-cursive writing on it and two simple words. My eyes blurred. The words had stung when I first read them, and they hurt even more now.
River didn’t need me to find her. She’d either done it herself or with West’s help. I cleared my throat again, signaling between them.
“So how did you two meet?” I asked. It was filler conversation to anyone who didn’t know our history. Tara tensed even more next to me. I’d have to diffuse her after, otherwise, she’d blow up. Her temper was undoubtedly still there.
River looked at West, and he nodded for her to explain. She rubbed her hands against her jeans, the sparkly silver top twinkling against the fluorescents. It reminded me of the dress. Her lips were moving. She was answering, but I didn’t catch it.
“Sorry, I missed that,” I said, shaking my head clear.
“Tattoo session, and then at a wedding I was doing photography for,” River replied, and her hands became fists as I tensed.
We’d fought about her doing wedding photography. It was a way for her to get away from me when we were together, and from her pained expression, a way to get away from thoughts of me after we split.
“Still doing that?” Tara asked, and the nasty tone of her voice wasn’t something anyone missed. West narrowed his eyes at her before whispering something to River.
“No,” River replied, and her glare was icy. “I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.”
Tara scoffed, and I nudged my elbow into her. River didn’t bring out the best in her. She was acting like an insolent child.
“How are you liking managing the band?” River asked, leaning back into West. Her tensed body relaxed.
“It’s good. I get to spend a lot of time with the people I care about,” she replied, not avoiding the dig at River.
“Touring seems to suit you,” River said, looking over at me. “You seem…”
Her voice drifted off, and I laughed. “Stable?”
She winced, looking down as she nodded.
“I stopped drinking the day you left,” I replied, and her eyes shot up. She bit her lip, and I knew that was exactly the reason she’d done it. “Thanks for that.”
Tara stood, shaking her head before storming out of the room. I sighed, putting my head in my hands.
“Glad to see she still hates me.” River nodded to the door. “You should go after her.”
The guys were playing pool on the other half of the room, and Mark placed his stick against the wall.
“I’ve got this,” Mark said, and I nodded despite the rock in my stomach. I didn’t want him with her alone when she was like this, but I couldn’t leave River to chase after her. I’d deal with it after.
“Are you a thing?” West asked, and I shook my head in confusion. “Tara and you. She made it seem that way when she was leaving the marketing firm.”
I licked my lips. “No. We’re not.”
River’s eyes met mine, and I could see that she didn’t believe me.
“She’s my brother’s girlfriend,” I added, and West grimaced. I needed to change the subject. “You two seem good for each other.”
River looked up at him, and he kissed her forehead.
“We are,” she said, and the back of my eyes burned. I didn’t know if I was angry or sad.
River had moved on. I knew she would. My eyes drifted to the door. I wished I could, but someone was standing in the way, and it wasn’t the person in this room that I’d thought it would be. We sat quietly for a moment before River cleared her throat.
“I miss you,” she said, so quiet I almost didn’t hear it. West’s hand rubbed her back. He knew she did. That’s why he’d brought her back here.
I stood, pulling her up into my arms. I closed my eyes, burying my face in her hair.
She smelled like her coconut shampoo.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
Chapter 19
I pressed my head against the back of the door, inhaling as my head pounded. Emotions flooded my system, but one above all was apparent. Love; aching and painful in how quickly it completely ruled all the others out. I lowered my head and West came into my line of vision. He sat on the bed with his head down, and fingers weaved together over the back of his neck. His body tensed as I stepped forward and he lifted his gaze up to mine. His green eyes looked tormented as they flickered back and forth over mine, and his thin lips parted as if he wanted to speak, but there was nothing to say.
Really, there wasn’t.
He just sat in a room with my ex and I while we reminisced. How easy could that be for him?
I shook my head and knelt down in front of him, putting my hands on his neck. His eyes closed as I pressed my forehead against his, and his body remained rigid. My lips grazed over his once softly, and the aching in my chest increased. I needed far more than that. I needed him to understand how much he meant to me.
The kiss deepened, and his body relaxed beneath my touch as his hands came up to my face, causing a momentary pause in the movement of my lips as I sighed. When he held my face like that it made my body fill with warmth. There was so much said with just that simple touch. I slid my body up, pushing him back onto his elbows on the bed and the kiss moved from sweet to passionate. I drew his lip into my mouth, letting it slip out through my teeth, so the muscles of his chest bunched beneath my hands. His fingers slid down to my hips, pulling me closer to him as his lips parted my own, tongue dancing over mine. I could feel him beneath me, and my body shuddered against him. His mouth opened in a moan, and I pulled away slightly, so I could see his eyes. To see if he understood this kiss was far more than physical for me. His chest heaved against mine as he reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. His eyes seemed less tormented, but beneath them, I could still sense hurt.
“I thought you would rush into the room and kiss him like that,” he finally said, and his jaw clenched as he looked at anything but me.
“Not possible,” I replied, and my voice cracked as tears thickened my throat. I tucked my face into West’s neck, my lips just below his ear. “I’m in love with you, not him. I can’t believe you’d be willing to sit there in a room with the two of us, let alone be the person to bring us together.”
I felt his chest rise against my hand before he took it into his and lifted my fingers to his lips. “I’d do anything if I thought it would make you happy, but you have a choice to make.”
My throat constricted. “Adam will always be a part of my heart.”
West’s eyes locked on mine. “I know.”
“How is that fair to you?” I asked, and my voice was barely audible. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
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