Tears ran down her face but she shook her head, arms folded tightly across her chest. “I’m not angry, Ben, I’m… I just…” Her gaze wandered down to his hand. His battered knuckles.
“Julia, I’d never hurt you. Please tell me you know that.” He had never felt more desperate.
“I know.” She didn’t sound at all convinced, her eyes were still wide and frightened. He wanted to sweep her into his arms, to hold and kiss her, to make everything right. And he couldn’t. His heart ached.
“What can I do?” His voice shook far more than he wanted it to.
“Nothing.” Her answer was so swift and absolute it hit him like a punch.
“There must be something. This can’t be it. I love you.”
Her eyes softened the tiniest bit, allowing hope to bloom, but she shook her head again. “I love you too. But I need time.”
“That’s the one thing I don’t have. We’re leaving for L.A. tonight. I’ll be gone two weeks.”
“Good.” The word cut him to his core.
“Will you still fly out to meet us in Chicago next week? Or earlier even. Denver?”
“I think it’ll be good for us to have time apart. You’ll be busy with your shows and interviews and I’ll have time to get my head on straight. These past few months have just been a blur.”
His eyes stung. He knew he had to go, their flight left in a few hours and he still had to pack. He didn’t want to leave her. “Can I hug you goodbye?”
She nodded, taking a tentative step toward him. He put his arms around her as gently as he could, though all he wanted was to squeeze her tight and never let her go. She hugged him back but her body remained stiff. He longed to have her wrap her arms around him, to feel her curving in to him, to hear her tell him they were going to be okay. Instead she hugged him briefly and pulled away. She folded her arms across her chest again.
Ben was completely deflated.
“Have a safe trip.” Her voice broke. “I can’t do this anymore. You have to leave.”
He reached out for her but she turned and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He could hear the whir of the shower. She wasn’t coming back out. She meant what she said. It was time for him to go. He took a final glance around her apartment then turned and walked out her door.
Julia listened at the bathroom door then turned off the water. She opened the door slowly, hearing his footsteps echo down the stairwell. A part of her wanted to run after him, to call to him from the window and tell him to come back, that everything would be okay, but all she could see was him attacking her driver.
Her hand was shaking as she picked up the phone to call Marissa.
“What’s wrong?” Marissa asked as soon as Julia said hello.
The tears resumed instantly. The entire story spilled out, punctuated with sobs and gasps. Marissa listened patiently.
“So you let him leave?”
“I had to.”
Marissa took a deep breath. “No, you didn’t. Jules, I’ve never seen you happier than you’ve been the past few months, and that’s all because of Ben. He loves you. There’s no doubt in my mind. He’d never hurt you.”
“You didn’t see him go after this guy tonight. The look in his eyes.”
“That asshole driver almost killed you. I’m glad Ben beat the shit out of him, I would have done the same thing. Would that have made you scared of me?”
“No. That’s different.” Julia shook her head.
“How is it different?”
“It just is.” She ran her hands through her hair, then stalked into the kitchen in search of chocolate.
“You know what’s different? He hurt someone to defend you. Trey hurt you to hurt you.”
Julia’s hands froze inside the bag of chocolate chips. She’s right. “It doesn’t matter. The way I reacted, he’ll never want anything to do with me again.”
“You can tell yourself that if it makes this easier on you, but I’ll never buy it. I can’t make you realize that this guy cares about you, you need to accept that all on your own. And I really hope you do. He could make you happy, all you have to do is let him.”
Julia curled up on the couch with her bag of chocolate. Am I keeping myself from being happy? She couldn’t help but think about all the time she and Ben had spent together. Marissa was right, she’d never been more content. No one had ever made her feel so special or so safe. The look in Ben’s eyes when he’d left her apartment haunted her. He looked devastated. And she’d done that to him. She shook her head, attempting to clear it. He hit someone. I saw it happen. “No, I’m not the one who lost it, he is. I can’t be with someone who’s capable of that kind of violence, not again.”
Marissa took a deep breath. “Did he hurt you?”
“No.” She swallowed hard.
“Did he threaten you in any way?”
“No.” Her voice was barely there.
“So what exactly did he do that was so unforgivable?”
“You didn’t see the look in his eyes when he was whaling on that guy. Then he came over here, banging on my door. I was scared.”
“Banging on your door? I thought you gave him a key.”
Julia dropped a chocolate chip and it rolled underneath the couch. “I did.”
“Then why didn’t he let himself into your apartment?”
“I don’t know, maybe he didn’t have it with him. The point is he was out of control.” Julia stood up, spilling chocolate chips everywhere. “Shit, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Jules, wait.”
Julia hung up. She crouched on the floor, sweeping the chocolate bits into her hand then dumped them in the kitchen trash. Her neck ached, her chest hurt. She went back into the bathroom and turned the shower on full blast. The steam quickly filled the room, reminding her of Ben and all the times they’d showered together. She stepped under the hot spray. Even the scent of her soap now reminded her of him. His hands gently caressing her. His fingers working through her soapy hair. So caring. So gentle. No. That wasn’t real. Tonight was real. I saw what he’s capable of doing. Her fear was dissipating and doubt grew in an ever-expanding knot in her stomach. She tried to shake it away, but all she could think of was Ben. His kindness. The way he cared for her. She dried off, toweling vigorously to try to shake sense into herself. She slipped on her velour robe and tied it tight, feeling anything but snug and warm.
The teeth of her comb scraped against her scalp as she combed extra hard and fast in an attempt to think about anything else. She caught sight of her face as the steam cleared, puffy and splotchy, eyes full of doubt. Am I doing the right thing?
She wandered over to her bed, sitting down with a thump when something shiny caught her eye. She flipped on the bedside lamp and there in the middle of her bed was the “I love NY” keychain with her key on it. That hadn’t been there when she’d made the bed in the morning. Ben must have tossed it there tonight, while she was locked in the bathroom waiting for him to leave. He had had the key with him. He could have let himself into her apartment but he hadn’t. He’d sat in her hallway, like a fool, pouring his soul out through the closed door, pleading with her. And she’d sent him away.
Oh my God, what have I done? She glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. His plane would already have taken off. Fuck.
She turned her laptop on, her fingers drumming on the desk, reminding her of Ben. The one thing she knew was that they needed to talk more, in person, and it was up to her to make that happen.
Chapter Twelve
Ben was so depressed he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. The air in the plane felt cold and devoid of oxygen. He closed his eyes, wishing everything would disappear.
“Here.” Niles placed a fresh bag of ice on his hand. “And for Christ’s sake, drink this.”
Ben opened his eyes to find a glass of scotch in front of him. He lifted the glass and drank it down in one long gulp.
“That’s a good lad.” Niles said.
“Bugger off.”
“Look, mate. Give her time. The girl loves you. She’ll come around.”
“You don’t know her. She’s done. She meant it.”
Niles sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “You scared her. Give her time. You both have a bit of baggage, you know. Tonight just brought it all out. Doesn’t mean she’s not still in love with you.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“How’s the hand?”
Ben flexed his fingers, wincing as the pain shot up through his wrist. “Fucked.”
“Well, we’ve got three days to get it back in shape, so keep the ice on it.” A smile tugged at Niles’ mouth. “For what it’s worth, the bastard deserved it. And you got in some great shots.”
Ben closed his eyes again. He wanted to sleep, to forget, but all he could see was Julia. His stomach pitched with every thought of her. Maybe it’s for the best. We’re on tour. It would have been hard to see her anyway. Better off without her. He didn’t believe a word of it.
* * * * *
Waiting in L.A. traffic was driving Julia insane. She checked her watch, wondering whether Ben would even be at the hotel when she arrived. What if he won’t talk to me? What if they won’t even tell me what room he’s in? Shit. She tried his cell but it went straight to voicemail again. He was bad enough about keeping his phone charged when he knew she’d be calling. She wouldn’t be surprised if he’d tossed the damn thing in the trash.
The taxi finally pulled into the drive of the Montage Beverly Hills Hotel and she got out, tossing money to the driver and tugging her bag out of the backseat.
A bellman tried to help her but she pulled away, rushing toward the check-in counter. She tapped her fingers on the cool marble counter, trying in vain to get one of the attendants to pay attention to her, but they all seemed to be on the phone. She was about to yell “excuse me” when she heard Niles’ familiar laughter. She turned just in time to see the band striding across the lobby. Ben was walking behind the others, head down, dark glasses on, heading straight for the door.
Her mouth went dry. “Wait,” she called, but it came out as a hoarse whisper. She grabbed her bag and rushed toward them, just as the automatic doors slid open. “Ben, wait.”
He turned at the sound of her voice, his face expressionless behind his shades. The others stopped as well, glances shooting between one another as they realized she was there. Niles was the first to speak. “We’ll catch up with you later.” He clapped Ben on the shoulder, nodding a smile at Julia and giving her an encouraging wink, then ushered the rest of them out of the building.
Ben still hadn’t moved. He appeared frozen, hands in his pockets. She didn’t even know what to say. Her mouth opened but no words came out. He shifted in silence and she thought he might turn and leave. She’d deserve it if he did. She’d thrown him away. Her voice finally found its way out of her. “I’m sorry.”
He looked down then removed his glasses, raising his eyes to meet hers. Even with dark circles beneath them he still had the most gorgeous eyes she’d ever seen—depthless swirls of color. “I’m sorry too.”
She dropped her bags and threw herself into his arms. He held her, kissing the top of her head. She wanted to disappear into him, to kiss him and show him just how sorry she was, but he pulled away.
“Come.” He stooped to pick up her bag. “Let’s go somewhere so we can talk. Will you come up to my room?”
“Of course.” She followed him to the elevator, still completely unsure what he was thinking. Is he going to forgive me or is he just trying to avoid a public scene?
Several people got into the elevator with them. The floors ticked by in silence. When they reached twenty-five he said, “That’s us,” and made his way past the other guests. Her hand brushed against his as they walked down the hallway but he made no attempt to take her hand. She felt frightened. What if he doesn’t take me back? Her head felt heavy, as if her brain were made of lead.
Ben pulled his room card out and swiped it through the gold lock, then held the door to allow her to pass first. The suite was huge and filled with light glaring in from the enormous sliding glass doors that lined one entire wall.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asked.
She shook her head, watching as he pulled a bottle of water from the fridge beneath the wet bar. He unscrewed the cap and took a long swig before setting it on the marble countertop.
His eyes locked with hers again. He looked as uncertain as she felt. “Why did you come?” he asked.
Her heart skipped several beats and she wondered if it would just stop altogether. “I had to talk to you. I had to tell you I was wrong. All I saw was you hitting that guy and it made me think of Trey. You’re nothing like Trey. I know that.” She reached out and ran her hand along his cheek, delighted that he didn’t pull away.
The touch of her hand filled him with hope. “Does this mean you forgive me? I never meant to frighten you, I just thought about what could have happened…” His voice cracked.
“I know.” She nodded and he could see in her face that she understood.
“I can’t bear the thought of you being afraid of me, but I have to tell you, I’d do the same thing all over again. I’m not going to apologize for trying to protect you.”
“I understand.”
He tried to read her face but he had no idea what she was thinking. “Can we move past this? I’ll do anything to make it up to you.” His eyes searched hers, desperate to do whatever possible to earn back her trust and make things right.
She studied him for what seemed like an eternity, her expression focused and intense.
His heart felt as though it was going to beat its way out of his chest. “Anything,” he repeated, anxious for her to say something.
She took a deep breath. “Marry me.”
He was certain he’d misheard her, but the look on her face told him he hadn’t. He swallowed hard, unsure he’d even have a voice to speak. “I need a minute.” He steered her to the oversized chair by the balcony window. She looked positively terrified. “Don’t go anywhere.”
He raced into the bedroom, fumbling through his suitcase, and was back before her in a flash. His pulse raced, tapping out Morse code behind his eyes. He knelt before her.
“The first time I asked you this I convinced myself I wasn’t really serious, but if I’m honest about it even then I’d have been delighted with a yes. I love you, Julia. I have since the first time I saw you and I’ve fallen more in love with each passing day.” He withdrew a platinum ring from his pocket. “I’ve been carrying this around the past two weeks, looking for the right moment to give it to you.” He took her left hand in his, keeping his gaze steady on hers. “Marry me, Julia.”
He held his breath.
She nodded. “Yes.”
The tension began to uncoil as he let the word sink in. She said yes. He slipped the ring onto her finger. Then she was in his arms. Her skin was so warm he lost himself in her touch. His lips found hers, soft but urgent. She wove her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer, her tongue welcoming his. He scooped her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom, feeling for the first time in as long as he could remember that everything was as it should be. He lowered her onto the bed, climbing in alongside her, letting it all envelop him, finally ready to begin again.
“Wait,” she said, squirming away. “Get undressed, I’ll be right back.”
He watched as she scurried toward her suitcase and disappeared into the bathroom. He shucked his clothes then settled back against the pillows, awaiting her return. We’re engaged. He felt as though his entire body might overflow. When Julia emerged from the bathroom, he nearly stopped breathing.
She sauntered toward him, naked except for the flowing purple velvet shawl she’d worn to the release party.
Ben scooted to the edge of the bed, unable to look at anything but her. Her creamy skin shimmered beneath the rich fabric, her eyes almost
matching the violet hue, her black hair falling loose around her shoulders. Everything about her looked enticingly touchable. “You’re absolutely gorgeous.”
Her cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink as she finally reached him. The soft fabric brushed against the bare skin of his leg, sending chills of pleasure coursing straight to his cock. He ran his hands over the shawl, tracing her curves. “I wore this the first night you told me you loved me,” she said.
“I remember. It drove me wild.”
“Good.” She climbed onto the bed, straddling him, surrounding them both with the cool, silky lining of the garment. Her tongue was warm and sweet against his, teasing him with a hint of what was to come.
He ran his fingers up her spine, feeling her shiver as she curved closer to him. Her firm nipples pressed into his chest as she shimmied her hips back and forth against his erection.
“Lie back.” She pushed gently on his shoulders. He went willingly, holding on to her as he scooted back and swung his legs onto the bed.
She bent and kissed his chest, her hair satiny against his skin. She gathered the shawl in both hands, tracing the silky side down the edge of his body, then she wrapped the velvet side around his cock. The feel of the warm, soft velvet against his swollen flesh knocked the breath out of him. She stroked slowly, heightening the sensation until he couldn’t take it any longer.
“Make love with me.” His voice was so raspy he could barely get the words out.
She nodded, bending to kiss him again. Her lips were making him so dizzy he could barely concentrate.
“Fuck,” he said. “I don’t think I have any condoms.”
“Maybe we don’t need one.” Her eyes held his, her face serious.
“But…”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Ben’s mind raced to process what she was saying. “You could get pregnant.”
“Would that be a bad thing?” She looked so beautiful, sitting atop him, the shawl flowing over her curves.
“No. I mean… Do you want that? A baby? With me?” His heart pounded against his ribs.
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