Until Then

by McLaughlin, Heidi

  “I think I saw a whale.”

  “No way,” George said.

  “Yes, sir. Right out there.” More people congregated to where they were sitting. People lined the wall, looking out the large pane of glass, and while it was freezing outside, people rushed out to the side of the ship to get a better look.

  Time moved faster than Graham expected, and he was startled by the captain’s voice as it rang out over the loudspeaker, telling everyone to return to their cars. George stood and asked Graham, “Where’s your mother?”

  “She should’ve been back by now from the bathroom.”

  Together, they scanned the people moving toward the stairs and finally found her resting against the bar with a cocktail in her hand. She was in deep conversation with a woman Graham had never seen before.

  “I see her, Dad. Why don’t you go down to the car, and we’ll be there in a minute?” George and Graham parted ways. He went to his mom and touched her elbow. “Sorry to interrupt,” he said. She jerked in surprise and smiled brightly at him.

  “Oh, honey. Let me introduce you to Cindy. Her daughter, Lacey, just moved to Cape Harbor. Have you met her yet?”

  Cape Harbor was small, and normally when someone new moved to town, Peggy from the diner knew about it first. It was like some odd rite-of-passage sort of thing. When people arrived, they stopped in and introduced themselves to Peggy, and the grapevine in town was strong. A neighbor of Lacey’s would’ve told Peggy, and Peggy would’ve announced it to the community. Still, Graham hadn’t heard a thing.

  “Sorry, no. Come on. We have to get to the car. We’re almost to the dock.” He tugged lightly on her elbow, but she didn’t budge. She was still carrying on a conversation with Cindy. His eyes went wide when they exchanged numbers, and this woman handed his mom a piece of paper. When they finally said goodbye, and she was out of earshot, he asked his mom what that was all about.

  “Oh, nothing, really. We got to talking.”

  “You exchanged numbers?”

  “I’m going to go to her book club. It’s in Skagit Valley.”

  He opened the door for his mom and waited for her to get situated before closing it and rushing over to the other side. “And on the piece of paper?”

  “Oh, that’s for you. It’s Lacey’s number. You should call and ask her out.”

  “Sweet heavens, Johanna, what did you do?”

  She turned in her seat and looked at her husband. “I’ve done nothing wrong, George. A mother is supposed to help her children out every now and again.”

  “Not when it comes to dating. Graham’s a big boy. He can find his own dates.”

  He couldn’t, but that was because he hadn’t really tried. He told Krista he was going to, though. He was going to start dating and living his life.

  Johanna turned back around and said, “She’s twenty-seven, never married, and, according to her mother, ready to settle down.”

  “She’s a little too young, but what could one phone call hurt?” Usually, age didn’t bother him. Lacey was ten years younger, depending on when her birthday was, but that wasn’t what made his jaw tic. His mother was trying to set him up with a stranger . . . Graham took a deep breath. Something like a setup could work well in his favor.

  Graham held his hand out and waited for his overly eager mother to put the slip of paper in his hand. She did, and he pocketed it without looking. The least he could do was call her, explain the situation, and offer to show her around town, although if she’d moved over from Skagit Valley, there was a good chance she knew her way around Cape Harbor. His mother’s intentions were good, if heavy handed. There were things she wanted out of life, and lately, it was to become a grandmother. And unless Grady had a child they were unaware of, the future responsibility fell onto him. Nothing out of the ordinary—it seemed every substantial burden rested on his shoulders.

  “Boy, you’re giving your mother a complex. Be prepared for your phone to ring off the hook with all her friends’ single daughters and granddaughters.” George chuckled from the back seat.

  “You hush, George Chamberlain,” Johanna fired back.

  The part of Washington they were in was lush and green and bordered the Olympic National Park. However, most of the drive until they reached Port Angeles was nothing more than small towns. Some run down. George was lively during the ride, telling his companions random facts about the towns they drove through, most of which were probably tall tales he had learned from a friend or two. Most of the towns had been forgotten, left alone after people moved to the mainland or down south for work. The economy was based mostly on tourism, which, when you were trying to have a family, didn’t necessarily pay the bills.

  Graham pulled into the parking lot of the rehab facility; the tension in the car became palpable. For three hours, as a family, they were able to forget the reason they had taken the road trip to begin with and just feel normal. The Chamberlains were back to reality, with a family therapy session waiting for them. He parked, turned off his car, and waited for his parents to meet him around front. His mother had an expression on her face, one he hadn’t seen since she sat down by Grady’s side while he was in the ICU.

  “It’s going to be okay, Mom.”

  Graham held the front door of the center for his parents and was shocked to hear his father speaking into the intercom. He thought for sure his dad would do everything in his power to make this trip miserable, but George kept surprising his son. The second set of doors clicked, and the three of them made their way inside and to the reception desk, where they were told to wait.

  George’s leg bounced up and down, and Johanna placed her hand over her husband’s knee to keep it still. “You’re making me nervous, Georgie,” she said.

  “I am nervous,” he told her.

  “Me too,” Graham said to his parents.

  A young woman came out to get them. They followed her through a set of double doors that only opened after she punched in a code and swiped a key card. She showed them to a room that was colorful, like the rainbow. It had a couch, beanbags on the floor, pillows scattered everywhere, and somewhat comfortable-looking chairs. The room had a view of the outside, and there were posters on the walls, all displaying messages with positive reinforcements.

  Johanna sat down and encouraged her two men to do the same. “This room feels nice,” she said. “I really hope Grady is embracing the help.”

  “Me too,” Graham stated.

  “He better. This is his last chance,” George blurted. Johanna and Graham looked at him askance. He shrugged. “Doc said, right?” They both nodded. “All right, then. He better figure it out, because I’d like to have my son back.”

  Graham wanted to jump up and down. He wanted to fall to his knees and thank whoever showed his father the light, because if they could show Grady a united family front, maybe, just maybe, they could all heal together.

  The door opened, and Grady and his therapist walked in. Grady sat in the chair closest to their mother. Compared to the last time Graham saw his brother, Grady looked a bit healthier but still had sunken eyes and hollowed cheekbones. He was clean shaven, his hair combed, and he wore hospital-issued clothing. Grady didn’t say hi or offer anyone a hug. Instead, he looked down at the ground and let his therapist do all the talking.

  “I’m Sonny Andrews.” He shook hands with everyone before sitting down. “I want to thank you for coming, as it is imperative for Grady’s recovery to know his family supports him.”

  Dr. Andrews relaxed in his chair and looked at each of them. “I want to go over what Grady and I have been working on. When you’re an addict, you have many wars within yourself. Not only is your body fighting against your decision to get clean, but the war also makes you second-guess yourself and the people surrounding you. Grady is slowly working through events and has accepted that his road to recovery is going to be harder than anticipated. He has some anger issues to work on, self-deprecation and esteem issues, and the overall feeling that he doesn’t
belong on earth.

  “I ask that you listen, answer his questions, and tell him your fears and how we can work together to make Grady’s time in rehab more meaningful. Grady, you indicated earlier that you’d like to start.”

  He nodded, moved his hospital-issued shoes around, and cleared his throat. “My family thinks I’m a failure, and I believe they wish I would’ve died that night.”

  That night. The one that haunted everyone.

  “Oh, Grady,” Johanna choked out. She reached for his hand, but he pulled it away. Graham saw how his brother was breaking their mom’s heart.

  “Why do you feel this way, Grady?”

  “I can see it in their eyes. I can sense it when I’m around them. They don’t want me anymore.”

  “That’s not true,” Johanna said. “We want you, Grady. Why do you think we’ve been doing what we have all these years?”

  “Which is what, Mrs. Chamberlain?”

  Johanna stilled. Graham watched as his mother shut down. She would never admit to an outsider their part in Grady’s addiction, but Graham would. “We’ve enabled from the beginning,” he started and glanced quickly at his father. “At first, we called it coping. What he experienced the night in question—we never actually knew how it affected him; we only assumed, so we drank with him. We got him drunk, held him while he vomited all over the place, picked him up in the middle of the night, and drove him home. I can admit it was nice forgetting everything or at least putting a foggy haze over what transpired. But then, weeks turned into a month, which turned into two, three became four, and a year later, he was still drunk, and we still enabled. It’s been a very long and difficult fifteen and a half years, and Grady hasn’t seen a sober day since, and until recently, my family has always given him a safe place to drink.”

  “That would be the Whale Spout?” Dr. Andrews asked.

  Graham nodded. “The bar has been in our family for generations. I now co-own it with my father, and I firmly believe the reason my dad won’t relinquish the rest of his ownership is because he wants Grady to be able to drink there freely.”

  “Do you disagree, Mr. Chamberlain?” All eyes were on the patriarch of the family. George was uncomfortable under the scrutiny but nodded.

  “I didn’t want my son to go without or for him to be one of the people you see on the street corner. I tried to protect him. I thought if he had a roof over his head, warm meals, and clean clothes, he would someday come to his senses. I can see now the mistakes I’ve made.” Johanna placed her hand in George’s and kept it there.

  “Grady, do you blame your dad for your addictions?”

  He shook his head.

  “Graham, Grady told me about an episode which happened over the summer on the beach. He said you hurt him.”

  Graham tensed as his parents made eye contact with him. He cleared his throat and said, “This past summer, a friend who had disappeared after the accident returned. Grady blames her for Austin’s death. I think her return triggered something in him, because he changed a lot. He became more manic, demanding, bordering on violence. We were having a party on the beach, and he went after her. I tackled him to the ground to get him away from everyone.”

  “Grady, how did that make you feel?”

  “Like my brother chose his friends over me.”

  Partly true, but Graham wouldn’t admit it. He wanted Grady far away from everyone because when he was around, he caused a scene. What he had done to Brooklyn was inexcusable.

  “I was trying to save Grady. Others were there and protective over the woman he went after. It wasn’t going to end well for him.”

  “Have you always tried to protect Grady?”

  Graham nodded. “Up until this past summer, and then I stopped caring.”

  “Why’s that?” Dr. Andrews asked.

  “Because after the incident at the beach, I suspected he was using but couldn’t confirm anything, and one morning, I got to work, and the back door had been busted in, cases of beer and booze gone. I didn’t want to think it was my brother, but when he didn’t show up to the bar day after day, those suspicions grew. I told our dad Grady wasn’t welcome in the bar anymore.”

  Dr. Andrews looked from brother to brother and then to their parents. Johanna was quiet, dabbing her tears, while George sat stone faced.

  “Grady, is there anything you’d like to say?”

  He was quiet for a long time. The whole room was silent except for the sound of the second hand moving on the old analog clock attached to the wall. Grady’s legs swayed back and forth; he looked agitated, uncomfortable.

  “Grady?” his therapist nudged.

  “I resent Graham for always thinking he’s perfect.”

  Graham scoffed. “Are you serious right now, Grady? You resent me? I harbor so much ill will toward you for not pulling your life together and moving on. I gave up my life, my chance at happiness, for you. And all you do is shit on me constantly. You stole from my business and won’t even admit it. I defend you to everyone in town when they call you a lowlife, a bum—it’s me telling them you’re trying to find your way again. But the only path you’re following is the one that leads to the next bottle. I came back for you, Grady, because you needed me, and look where that’s gotten me.”

  “Graham,” Johanna said his name quietly as she rested her hand on his arm.

  “I’m sorry, Mom, but it’s true. I was happy in California, and I should’ve stayed. I lost my girlfriend because of him. My job, my friends. Everything. I put Grady first, thinking he’d snap out of it, that he’d realize what he was doing to himself. He had a company to run and people who depended on him. Instead, he let it all go. He gave up on himself, his dreams, and took us down with him.”

  Graham was frustrated, and yet he felt relieved. When he glanced at his parents, they were crying. He held his mom’s hand tightly in his while Grady rocked back and forth, mumbling. “Say something, Grady,” Graham demanded. “Don’t waste our time anymore. Prove to us this therapy session is worth us driving all the way over here.”

  Grady looked at his brother. His eyes were still hollow and void of emotion, but the whites of his eyes were no longer bloodshot, and he was looking more like Graham than he had in years. “You think I want this? Do you think I want to sit here and listen to how much of a loser I am?”

  “Then fix it,” Graham challenged. “Take the opportunity to fix your life before it’s too late.”

  “Easier said than done, brother. You’ve always been the one with goals; all I wanted to be was a fisherman with my best friend, and now he’s gone.”

  “And why is that, son?” George asked. “Why didn’t you stop him that night? You knew the risks, and yet you did nothing to stop him.”

  “You don’t think I tried, Dad?”

  George stood and threw his hands up in the air. “We don’t know because you won’t talk to us. No one knows what happened—not the full story. You’ve kept it bottled up, and it’s eating you alive. Tell us so we can help you.”

  “Grady,” Johanna interrupted as she looked from her husband to her son. She took a deep breath and turned toward him. “Austin has been gone for a long time. It’s time you move on. It’s time you grow up and stop blaming him.”

  “Mom . . .”

  “I’m sorry, son. I am, but I’m tired. I’m so tired of all of this. The late-night phone calls, the sleepless nights wondering if you’re coming home or not—and if you’re not, whether you’re safe. I’m old, and I shouldn’t be. I want to take vacations with my husband. I want to be a grandmother and have babies all around me—none of which will ever happen if you stay like this. Our family, it’s broken, and it needs to heal. We need you to heal. We can’t keep doing this. I know you have nightmares about that night, Grady. We all do. We were there when you were pulled from the water. I held you, cold, shivering, and crying out for Austin. I watched day after day while my husband, sons, and friends went out into the water, searching. I prayed with the moms, cooked the meal
s for the volunteers. I will never forget those days and weeks, the look on Carly’s face . . . or yours . . . at Austin’s funeral. And I’m not asking you to forget, but I am asking you to move on, to see past that night. You need help, Grady. Maybe we all do. I am begging you because I want my son back.”

  Johanna got up from her seat and walked out of the room. George, Graham, Grady, and Dr. Andrews sat there, stunned, until George stood, called after his wife, and asked her to wait. When the door shut, everyone jumped.

  The air was thick with tension as the brothers stared at each other. No words were exchanged between the brothers, at least none Dr. Andrews would be able to hear. The twins had their own language, and when Grady dropped his head, Graham knew his brother received his message loud and clear: get clean, or don’t come home.

  Dr. Andrews asked Graham if he were willing to return for more sessions. As much as Graham loathed the idea, he said he would. He wanted his brother to get better. He missed his best friend and for the last fifteen years had felt like a piece of him was missing. Whether or not Grady and Graham liked it, they were connected and needed each other to feel whole again.

  Graham stood and went over to his brother. He held his hand out, and when Grady placed his hand in Graham’s, he pulled his brother up into his arms. They hugged for the first time in fifteen years. Tears came instantly for Graham when his brother tightened his arms around Graham’s waist.

  “I love you, Grady.”

  “I love you too,” Grady replied.

  When the brothers parted, Dr. Andrews had a smile on his face. “I call this a breakthrough.”

  Graham nodded. “There have been a lot of unsaid things over the years. I just want this guy to get better.” He slapped Grady on his shoulder. Graham took his leave and found his parents in the waiting room. He filled them in on the last bits of the conversation and told them they had to come back. George grumbled but agreed.

  In the parking lot, Graham saw a woman who reminded him of Rennie. He didn’t know what spurred him to pull out his phone and send her a text, inviting her to dinner, but when her response came instantly, he smiled. He also looked at the number on the piece of paper his mother had given him and put Lacey’s name and number into his phone. The last thing he wanted was to send his jeans through the wash and lose her number. He suspected Lacey’s mother, Cindy, had already told her Graham would call, and he wasn’t about to let his mother down.