Until Then

by McLaughlin, Heidi

  “Rennie does too. She said he had helped her with your arraignment.”

  “Jeff said I wouldn’t serve any jail time. He worked out a deal with the state or whatever. One-year probation, license suspended for a year, and two years community service, plus three years of court-mandated treatment.”

  “Wait, you have to stay here for three years?”

  Grady laughed. “No, like AA or whatever. The state will assign me a counselor and all that.”

  Graham understood now. “Maybe it can be in Skagit Valley or somewhere close.”

  “Yeah, I’ll ask.”

  “Grady.” Graham spoke his brother’s name softly. “I’m really proud of you. I thought you would’ve fought us on this last push to get you into rehab, made things hard, but you’re doing really well.”

  Grady stayed silent and focused on his breakfast. When he finally spoke, he said, “I’m going to need a job.”

  “Already on it,” Graham said instantly. “I’ve spoken to Bowie. He has a spot on his crew if you want it. Dad has spoken to the guys on the docks. There’s a job there as well. And there’s an opening at the fish market. So, you have options.”

  “Fishing would be good.”

  “It would, but, Grady, I’m concerned about you being on a boat. You haven’t been on one since the accident.”

  “I think I’ll be okay.”

  “Thinking and knowing are two different things. Maybe if we talk about what happened that night—”

  Grady’s eyes shot up, angry and intense. “I will not talk about it. I live it every day.”

  Graham held his hands up. The accident was a topic the therapist had trouble scratching the surface of. Each time he asked, Grady shut down. He refused to discuss it or tell anyone what truly happened that night.

  “I just worry about you being out there and all.” Graham sighed and changed the subject. “So, you have a couple prospects, which is a good start.”

  “Do you still live on the houseboat?”

  “Yeah. There’s a recovery house in Skagit Valley that you qualify for, or Mom and Dad’s is always an option.” There was no way Grady could come live with Graham. The house was too small, and they both needed their own space.

  “Guess I have a few weeks to figure it out.”

  “And I’ll help. You have a strong team supporting you. We won’t let you fail.”

  When visiting hours ended, Graham and Grady hugged. “I’ll see you in a couple days,” Graham told his brother. As well as Grady was doing, Graham feared a setback, especially when Grady returned to Cape Harbor. With his refusal to talk about the night of the accident, Grady still battled a lot of demons, and it was those demons that led him to drink. Something had to be done, but he wasn’t sure what, if anything. There wasn’t a law saying Grady had to tell his therapist everything, and if he couldn’t get Grady to open up, who could?

  Graham made it back to Cape Harbor in record time. He’d become a pro at making it to the ferry when it was time to board. Instead of getting out of his car, he used the time it took to get across the bay to take a nap. Exhaustion was Graham’s new friend.

  Once the ferry docked, he drove home. He had to work later but wanted to take a shower and relax. When he got to his door, he saw a note taped there.

  Meet me at the pit

  Ren

  Graham wasn’t sure what to think about the note. Part of him found it cute, but the other half of him wanted to know why she hadn’t called and told him she was in town. Graham got back in his car and drove over to the Driftwood Inn, which was the easiest place to access the firepit. Throughout his life, he had spent so many spring and summer nights in this spot. Many of his memories included Rennie.

  He parked along the side of the road to not only avoid the valet at the inn but to also cut through the shrubs. He didn’t want to run into Brooklyn—and Bowie, if he was home. Graham went down the stairs and trudged through the sand until he came upon the driftwood-log formation. There were a blanket and a pair of shoes, but no Rennie. Graham looked out over the horizon and saw someone standing near the water. He went toward the person, hoping it was her. When he got closer, he could see her multicolored hair, which he loved picking the colors out from, blowing in the wind. She was dressed in shorts and a long-sleeved shirt and stood barefoot in the wet sand.

  “You’re going to catch a cold out here.” It wasn’t the first time he’d had to warn her about getting sick.

  Rennie turned and smiled. When Graham was close, she wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tightly. He hugged her back. Neither of them spoke; they just stood there in each other’s arms and absorbed the moment.

  It was Graham who finally said something. “I’m kind of surprised to see you, honestly.”

  “I know. I’m sorry for being so absent.”

  “How come you didn’t tell me you were coming up?”

  Rennie tilted her head up and smiled. “I wanted to surprise you. The lawsuit against you, totally bogus. You will have a new delivery driver, though, from the distribution company. Your normal driver saw you as an easy target, concocted this whole story to get money because the insurance company wouldn’t pay for his daughter’s care because she was at fault. She wasn’t even in the area at the time of her accident. The whole thing was really convoluted and has really left a bad taste in my mouth with the firm. Donna wanted to waste resources and money to bring the case to trial, but we had enough evidence to shut her down.”

  He couldn’t deny it; he liked her surprise, and he was relieved, but something else bothered him. Her lack of communication. She rose to kiss him, and he allowed it but didn’t deepen the kiss. He pulled away and enveloped her with his arms. Graham looked out over the ocean, hoping to gain the strength and encouragement he needed for what he was about to say.

  “Ren, we need to talk.”

  He felt her move, and when he looked down, she stared at him. He bent forward, kissed her nose, and then took her and led her back to the pit. He sat down and expected her to sit next to him, but she sat between his legs, like they were seventeen all over again.

  Graham pulled the blanket over her to keep her warm, like he had on the boat. He wished they had a fire, but it would take too long for him to start one, and it would likely attract people from the inn, and he wanted as much privacy as possible.

  “I saw Grady today,” he started. “He really likes his new lawyer. Said things are very promising?”

  Rennie nodded against Graham’s chest. “That’s good.” She inhaled and then exhaled slowly, gathering her thoughts. “I’m in this funk, and I don’t know how to get out of it. I know I’m shutting you out—Brooklyn too. I’m trying to find a way to deal with everything.”

  “Do you remember when I told you I thought you needed time to get over Theo?”

  She nodded against his chest.

  “I want you to take the time, Rennie. You need it, and I need to focus on Grady. And I think . . .” Graham paused and fought back the tears. His heart ripped in two, and he prepared himself for what he was about to say. “I think we need to remain friends. I had come to you with the idea that we date, and you blew me off. I really feel like I’m giving so much of myself to you, being here, but I can never say no to you. As stupid as this sounds, I know I could take you back to my house, and we’d have sex because that is what we’ve been used to. Don’t get me wrong; the sex is great—but it doesn’t tell me the kind of person you are. I want to know who you are now. I don’t want to rely on memories. And as much as I love you, we’re not on the same path. The list of qualities you want in a partner—they’re not me. I’m never going to be financially stable; hell, I’ll probably die behind the bar. Sometimes I think I want a wife and a kid or two, and that’s not the life you want, and I’m okay with that because you’d be enough in my life.

  “What we had when we were younger—it was great. The best time of my life. But if Grady’s rehab has taught me anything, it’s taught me that I can’t live in
the past, and that is what I see when we’re together.” She had heard all this before, but he figured he’d repeat it, maybe help her accept she wasn’t ready for a relationship, at least not the kind he wanted to have.

  Rennie pulled Graham’s arms tightly around her. They sat there for hours, watching the surf until the sun went down. When she finally moved, she got on her knees and placed her hands on Graham’s cheeks. “I love you, Graham Cracker. Don’t ever forget it.” She kissed him, stood, gathered her things, and walked away.

  THIRTY-ONE

  “I have never, in my life, been to a dry party.” Rennie sat in the sand while putting bottles of water, cans of pop, and juice boxes into a cooler.

  “It’ll be good for you,” Brooklyn replied. “You can cleanse like the rest of us.”

  That was what everyone vowed to do: cleanse. According to Brooklyn, Graham had approached the group of friends and asked if they’d be willing to forgo drinking for a bit, at least in front of Grady, to help in his sobriety. And when Rennie called Brooklyn to tell her she was coming up for the weekend, Brooklyn filled her in on everything that had happened in the last month.

  After Rennie left Graham on the beach, she returned to Seattle, spent two days passing her cases off to other lawyers, and put in for some time off, and then she went south to Malibu. Much to her surprise, the shack she had rented back in college was still there, although updated—but still not worth the money to rent it for a month.

  Each morning, she woke and took a run on the beach. After she showered, she strolled along the main road, browsing through the shops. She would take whatever book she planned to read that day with her and find a bench to sit on and read or return to her one-room shack and lie in the sun. She kept her phone off and made sure to leave her laptop back in Washington. The only people who knew where she was were her parents and Brooklyn. None of whom would divulge her whereabouts.

  Rennie also wrote in a journal. Each day, she’d put her thoughts down, hoping to cure whatever ailed her. She wrote angry letters to Theo, tore them up, and wrote them again. Each one was the same, asking him why he chose her over everyone else? At times, she felt sorry for him, his wife, and herself. He was, at least to her, the worst kind of human.

  She also wrote to Graham. She put her feelings down on paper and recounted their love story. Rennie mailed this letter and prayed that when she returned from her trip, they would talk.

  Dear Graham Cracker,

  It’s funny, as I write the nickname I gave you, I wonder if you ever truly appreciated it or understood where it came from. You see, before I met you, s’mores were my favorite snack. During the winter, I used to make my mom turn on the gas burner so that I could roast a marshmallow to perfection. I loved the ooey-gooey goodness.

  Then, I met you, and you became my treat. Even at sixteen, you’re the one I craved. You were the only one I needed. I always waited for you to ask me to be your girlfriend. I know, I know, I told you many times that we were just friends or having fun, but it was because I was afraid that was how you truly felt. Pretty stupid now that I think of it. All this time, we could’ve been together, raising a family, and living our lives.

  Along our journey, I made mistakes. My first one, telling you (even though we were “friends”) that I didn’t want a relationship in college. Dating was hard because I compared every single guy to the one I couldn’t have and was afraid didn’t want me. My second mistake was not telling you how I felt when you started dating Monica. The night you came over to tell me about her, I should’ve professed my love to you, and I didn’t because I thought I had already lost you. My third was ignoring you for all those years. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about driving to see you, but I didn’t because of B. I think deep down, she would’ve understood. My fourth, not leaving Theo last summer after I saw you for the first time in years. I knew the minute I laid eyes on you again. You were the one I’d been waiting for my entire life. And to think, I could’ve had you.

  Graham Chamberlain, you are the love of my life, and it’s okay if I’m not yours, but I had to let you know. It’s the reason I called you to come and get me. You were, and still are, the only man I want to spend my time with.

  By the time you receive this letter, I’ll be on my way home. But you should know, I’m sitting on our beach, the one in Malibu with the tiny shack we rented for all of us that one time. It’s been updated but it’s still rickety, the roof leaks, and the same man still owns it. Oh, the price changed. It’s astronomical but worth the cost to come back to a place we shared.

  I hope that when I return, we can talk.

  Love,

  Rennie

  The day she mailed the letter, it poured. The rain reminded her of home. She was sad her trip had come to an end but was hopeful and excited to see Graham. When she returned to Washington, she went right to Cape Harbor to spend some time with Brooklyn and Brystol, not knowing about Grady’s release and welcome-home party.

  Rennie looked up when she heard either Bowie or Jason grunting. The guys carried a steel drum barbecue down the stairs and placed it just outside the canopy Bowie erected earlier. It was still too cold to have parties on the beach, but they were determined to make it happen.

  “You guys okay over there?” Rennie asked. She got up, wiped the sand off the back of her yoga pants, and went to them. Jason started loading the briquettes while Bowie secured the legs with mounds of sand.

  “We’re old,” Jason told her. Jason Randolph was the only one from their group of friends who’d left Cape Harbor and stayed away. He went to medical school and now worked as an ER doc in Seattle. He didn’t visit as often as he wanted but made sure to be here to see Grady.

  “You may be old, but I’m not,” Rennie quipped. Although, at times, especially after a hot yoga session or a miles-long run, she felt old.

  Bowie doused the charcoal with lighter fluid and then tossed a couple of matches in. The flames roared instantly and, after a few seconds, died down. It would be a bit before they’d be ready to cook.

  Brooklyn appeared with an armful of blankets from the inn’s shed, which wasn’t far from where they’d set up. Rennie took half and set them on the driftwood logs. They were there for anyone to use. Bowie came over to Brooklyn and kissed her. “I’m going to get the fire started,” Rennie heard him say. It was her cue to run back into the house and grab her bag of provisions—everything she’d need to make s’mores.

  When she and Simone reemerged, the group of people had grown, and everyone had clumped together. “I think Grady is in the mix,” Rennie said to Simi.

  “I think you’re right. They’re liable to freak him out.”

  Rennie watched the group from the outskirts, letting the friends and family congratulate Grady. It wasn’t until she felt a tap on her shoulder that she turned around. “Hey, Grady.”

  He didn’t say anything to her. He wrapped his strong arms around her and lifted her off the ground. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you.” Grady set her down gently and stepped away.

  “All I did was help out a friend.”

  “The fact that you even consider me a friend means everything to me. If it weren’t for you, I’d be in jail right now.”

  Rennie briefly touched Grady on his arm. “I’m so happy you’re healthy and clean.”

  The next to hug Rennie was Johanna, who held on to Rennie as if her life depended on it. “If you ever need anything, please let me know.”

  I need your son to love me back, Rennie thought to herself.

  “Dinner, tomorrow night at our house. I won’t take no for an answer.”

  “I’ll be there, Mrs. Chamberlain.”

  Johanna waved her hand. “None of this Mrs. crap. Call me Jo or Johanna. As far as I’m concerned, you’re family.”

  Next, George stepped forward. He was much more subdued than his son and wife had been. He shook Rennie’s hand and thanked her before he went to rummage through the coolers. The rumor was George stopped drinki
ng the day Grady went into rehab because he wanted to support his son and finally realized he hadn’t done a very good job of it.

  Graham stood off to the side, watching Rennie interact with his family. When they made eye contact, she smiled and then diverted her eyes to the sand. She felt him approach but didn’t look up.

  He placed his hand on her hip and stepped close to her. “Can we go for a walk?” Rennie nodded and finally lifted her gaze toward Graham. His green eyes sparkled, and his crooked smile was back. Graham led her away from their friends and toward a large rock formation, which formed different alcoves and inlets of water.

  Graham found a place with privacy and motioned for her to sit on a rock while he stood next to her. He leaned against the rock with his hip and reached out to touch some strands of hair that had fallen from Rennie’s ponytail.

  “I got your letter in the mail. I have to say, getting fun mail when it’s not my birthday or a holiday is quite the treat.”

  Rennie smiled and let out a tiny laugh. “I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter. Everything is text or email these days.”

  “How’s the shack?”

  She laughed harder this time. “Still the same shithole it was when we were in college, but very nostalgic. I’m glad I went. I needed the time away to clear my head.”

  “Is it clear?” he asked, and she nodded. “That’s good . . . good.” Graham hesitated before continuing. “I want you to know I read your words a few times, actually. I wish like hell we could go back to the night we spent in the back of my truck under the stars. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just knew that every time I was around you, I had this ache, and you were the cure. I never wanted our first time to be in the back of the truck, but it was, and I’ve never forgotten that night. I should’ve told you then that I was in love with you. I knew from the moment I met you I wanted you to be my wife. I was embarrassed, though, because guys don’t talk like that, so I kept my mouth shut.

  “When you said you planned to study law in California, I looked for schools near you. I thought we’d live down there, and us becoming a couple would be a natural progression. I could see it all playing out in my head. We’d become roommates, and before long, you’d be in my bed every night. We’d fight, make love, and finally grow up enough to tell each other how we felt.”