by Mia Archer
Including Allison, and that hurt.
How exhausting it must be to constantly think about what people were thinking of you. How exhausting it must be to deny yourself something you wanted because you were worried about what other people would think of you for wanting it.
Maybe it was hubris, but at the same time I had a sneaking suspicion she had fun here tonight. There was no faking all of that. For whatever reason she decided to go off into the dark and had blessed me with a memory that was going to have a melancholy sweetness to it when I thought back on it. At least I had that even if everything that came after it was going to be a horrifying blow to my ego for God knows how long.
"No," I said. "I don't want anything from you Allison. You've done enough already."
"You can never tell anyone about this. About any of this," she said.
I sighed, exhausted, and in the moment I agreed. I just said I wasn’t going to say anything and still all she could think to do was make sure I absolutely wasn’t going to say anything? I was done with her. Hell, we’d been done with each other for years when she came up to me tonight. I should’ve stayed done with her instead of going along with that inexplicable flirting back at the bonfire. I needed to be done with this now. I wanted to go home so I could collapse and let the emotions threatening to overwhelm me in front of her finally come out in a spot where it wouldn't embarrass the ever loving fuck out of me.
"Whatever you want Allison," I said.
And with that she pulled herself away from me. I felt a profound sense of loss, but at the same time I was glad to be rid of her in every way possible. I was a confusing jumble of emotions. Lust and my crush and anger all mixing together. I had a pretty good feeling this was a feeling I was going to have to learn to live with every time I thought of this moment.
I also had no doubt this was a moment I was going to be thinking of for quite a while thanks to the circumstances. One of my first experiences getting hot and heavy with another girl, and it was Allison, the most beautiful girl in the world as far as I was concerned even if that beauty was tainted now.
Because now this would also forever be a memory of the first time I'd had my heart ripped right out of my chest, thrown on the ground, and casually stomped underfoot by a silly girl who had no idea what sort of emotions she was playing with.
Well, you live and you learn, and I'd learned one hell of a lesson today. A lesson that I was going to carry with me for the rest of my life. And above all I knew one thing for certain: I was done with Allison forever.
Fuck her.
She got her bathing suit in order next to me in silence and I took the opportunity to pull my own suit back in place. There was still a part of me that was jumping up and down for joy, not believing that I'd actually just done what I'd just done with Allison. That part was warring with the supremely disappointed side of me until she looked at me one final time, almost as though she was going to say something, and then sighed, her shoulders slumping, and she disappeared into the darkness.
I waited for a moment to make sure she was good and gone. I figured if I was going to be the nice gal, though I had no idea why the hell I was trying to be the nice gal considering what she'd just done to me, then the very least I could do was be considerate enough to not make my appearance back at the beach at the same time as her.
Not that I planned on being at the beach for very long. Sam and Darcy were getting me the hell out of here as quickly as possible as soon as I got to the bonfires. There was nothing for me at that party. It had been a horrible idea to come here despite how well everything had gone up until about ten minutes ago. I definitely couldn't wait to get the hell away from this town and off to college. If I had my way then I was never coming back.
Allison had given me that gift, at least.
8: Allison's Invite
I stared at the computer. Amazing how a simple event invite could have me going through such a confusing maelstrom of emotions.
I’d been home in the five years since going off to college, graduating, and getting a job a few towns over. I went to see my parents. To hang out at the lake. I’d seen some friends over the summer and it was never a big deal.
Only.
There was something different about this invitation. An invite to a five year class reunion. A class reunion meant everyone was invited. It wasn’t just a gathering of everyone I was friends with who happened to be home for the summer and happened to live on the lake.
Everyone being invited meant she was invited.
I clicked over to the second tab I had open. A tab that was pointed at Claire’s profile. Not that I could see much of her profile anyways. She had it locked down so only her friends could see what she was up to, which I guess I could understand, though at least she didn’t have it locked down to the point that I couldn’t see her at all.
Claire was looking good. She had that same goofy endearing smile I remembered. She was wearing her hair shorter these days but the pictures she did have available to the general public showed someone who was having a good time no matter where she was. I know everyone liked to put their best face forward on sites like this, but it didn’t seem like faking from what I remembered of Claire when we were friends and before her big announcement. She looked genuinely happy now, which was a marked contrast to the sullen girl who’d walked around our school for the last two years before graduation.
Again, not that I could blame her for that. Our hometown had given her plenty of reasons to be sullen for those two years. I felt a shamed blush coming to my face as that thought brought me dangerously close to territory I’d done my best to forget about in the past five years.
I don’t know why I was torturing myself by poring over her pictures. It’s not like she was probably even going to be there considering everything that happened. Considering what I’d done to her. I still felt guilty about that betrayal when it came up, which was a good part of the reason why I’d tried to bury that moment as deep as it could possibly go in the memory hole ever since that night.
That was part of the reason, at least. I was still terrified about what that night meant. I was still reminded of what that night meant every time I saw a cute girl jogging through campus or when events at the sorority got a little touchy-feely or when I was out on the dance floor with some of my friends and we were just dancing together for fun but it was like torture for me both because of how it made me feel in the moment and because it reminded me of Claire.
It always reminded me of Claire. Damn it and damn her for doing this to me. That wasn’t an entirely fair thought, but that didn’t stop me from thinking it.
I heard the front door open and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I braced myself for the inevitable.
“Honey! I’m home!”
Kyle always thought that was the funniest thing. It had been worth a giggle the first time he did it when we first moved into this apartment together, but as with most of his bad jokes that were worth at most a little giggle on the first delivery he’d since decided to run the joke into the ground by using it over and over every time he got home.
In a minute he was going to come into the computer room. He was going to wrap his arms around me like he always did even though I told him I didn’t really like it when he did that sort of stuff right after work. I told myself it was because I was always stressed out and needed some time to decompress, but after actually living with Kyle for a few months I was starting to feel like I needed time to decompress from him as much as I needed time to decompress from work.
Briefly I considered shutting down the computer. It’s not like I was on the thing all that often anyways. Not now that I was out of college and didn’t have a reason to be in front of it for class. I spent my entire day sitting in front of one of these things at work and the last thing I usually wanted when I got home was to sit in front of a screen for even longer. I didn’t know how Kyle could sit and play his games all night after his job, but at the same time it kept him busy and away from
me so I wasn’t going to complain too much.
No, if he came in here and saw me on the computer he’d know something was up. He’d see the invitation and assume that was the reason and he’d start talking about going even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go myself, and I was definitely sure that if I did go the last thing I needed was for him to come along with me.
I guess it was better that he assumed the reason I was in here was because of the invitation though. Better that than finding out the real reason: using a real computer instead of my phone to make it more convenient to creep on Claire’s profile.
I hesitated for too long. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and I turned just enough to see him standing in the door with a huge grin on his face.
“What do we have here? Using the big computer instead of your phone?”
“It’s nothing,” I said. I moved to click out of the window I was in but he was too fast. I held back a sigh as I felt his arms wrapping around me in a hug. A hug that quickly turned to him surreptitiously moving his hands down and brushing them along the top of my breasts which I totally noticed but pretended I didn’t.
Great. He was in the mood. Just what I needed on top of all the other stress I was dealing with right now. I know he was just trying to make a nice gesture but it annoyed me more than anything else. No matter how many times I told him not to he kept up with this loving homecoming routine.
My cheeks colored at that. I knew it wasn’t entirely fair to him, but it was how I felt.
“An invitation to a party or something? Is it in town?”
“Nothing like that,” I said, and this time the sigh did escape. He still had his arms around me. I know I should’ve felt warm inside. I should have felt protected. I should have felt something, but there was nothing. That fact of life in all my relationships for the past five years coupled with being confronted with Claire in a real way for the first time in those five years had me feeling snippier than usual.
“A five year reunion? Damn. That makes me feel old that we’re already there,” he said. “So are we going?”
I closed my eyes and winced. I should have closed out the window. I should have told him I was just going home to see my family for the weekend and he could have some time to play video games or something. He always leapt at the chance to have a weekend to himself and it would allow me to maybe have a fun weekend with friends without worrying about him leaping in and doing one of those oh-so Kyle things he was always doing.
“I haven’t decided if I’m going yet,” I said.
For a wonder his hands disengaged, but not before he did that little brushing move again that he thought I didn’t ever catch. “Not going to your five year reunion? Come on! It’ll be a blast! Catch up on old times, see all your friends. I wouldn’t mind meeting everyone either!”
“I said I’m thinking about it,” I said, again with more snippiness than he probably deserved. I didn’t like that I was acting like that, but all of that old stuff with Claire being dredged up was too much for me already without him going on about how he wanted to meet all my old friends. I wasn’t sure I wanted that considering I wasn’t sure I even wanted to stay with him after the lease ran on our apartment.
I was actually thinking about going. The problem was Claire. I’d done my best to forget about her. I’d done a pretty good job of it considering we ended up going to the same college. It was a big campus and she ran with a very different crowd than I did. It was easy to avoid her on social media because most of my crowd definitely didn’t hang with her crowd. I definitely didn’t want to open up the can of worms that was brewing if I did ever try to get in touch with her, even though I thought about it from time to time.
In person at a reunion though? That was a different beast entirely. If she did decide to go it would be impossible to avoid her. The best I could hope for was hiding in a corner until she went away or something, and that seemed ridiculous. Still, I couldn’t think of any other way to avoid getting cornered, assuming she even wanted to talk to me, which was a bit of a stretch given what happened the last time we were together.
The last time we were together. Damn. My mind was flooded with images I’d tried to forget. The feeling of her body pressing against mine. The taste of her lips. A fire burning deep inside me that was hotter than anything I’d felt with a guy before or since. I’d hoped after going off to college I might discover that the problem was just the high school guys I’d been dating, but I’d quickly discovered that wasn’t the case.
I’d found nothing like the feeling that night. Which is the main reason I was afraid of seeing her again. What if those feelings from the past came back? I didn’t know if I could deal with that. I didn’t know if I could deal with being confronted with the shame of what I’d done to a girl who was the only person in my life to make me feel truly alive when she kissed me.
I definitely wasn’t ready for all of that to come bubbling to the surface and potentially explode into a confrontation. That was the last thing I needed in front of all my old friends. If Kyle managed to weasel his way out there with me that was definitely the last thing I needed in front of him!
“Just saying, it might be fun to spend some time at the lake house,” Kyle said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s just supposed to be a one night thing anyways and if I’m going I’d have to leave before we got off work. Why don’t you just stay at home and play your video games? Have a night to yourself?”
Kyle paused for a moment and a funny look passed across his face. A look that seemed almost like he suspected something. That gave me one hell of a moment of fear as I wondered if I’d accidentally pulled up the window with Claire’s profile or something. If I’d accidentally given something away.
“There isn’t some old boyfriend I need to worry about at this thing, is there?”
Oh goodness. I’d been terrified there for a moment. Turns out it was just another one of his lame jokes from the way that funny look transformed into a smile. He obviously thought he was being the height of hilarity, and it took every bit of my self control not to roll my eyes. He hated it when I rolled my eyes at his lame jokes.
At the same time it was a joke that hit a little too close to home while at the same time leaving me one hell of a loophole to wiggle through with a straight face.
Was there a boyfriend he had to worry about? Hell no. Even if Derek was there and this was some parallel universe where I’d been interested in what he had to offer when I was still in school it’s not like anything was going to happen now. To say he’d let himself go would be an understatement.
Despite my best efforts at warning her away Stacy had gotten in a family way with Derek that summer. Maybe even the night we’d had that argument. The math worked out even though I’d never sat down to plot actual days or anything like that. They were both still stuck back home working dead end jobs making ends meet while their family continued to multiply, and Derek had put on so much weight that you’d think he was the one who had three kids in the past five years and not Stacy.
“No, there are no old boyfriends there you have to worry about. Trust me.”
He said old boyfriends. He specifically didn’t ask me if there were any girls I’d been friends with growing up and then drifted apart for a few years before coming together in a night that had been one of the most explosive sexual encounters of my life even if it was just making out. Of course that would’ve been a weirdly specific thing for him to ask considering no one but me and Claire knew about that night as far as I knew, but still.
I wasn’t lying. Not exactly. I figured I could answer his question with a clean conscience. It’s not like anything was going to happen with Claire while I was at the reunion. That was all in the past, and she probably still hated me to the point that she wouldn’t try to talk to me.
I realized I was already thinking in terms of going to the reunion. I guess that decision was made. I was going even though there was a quiet voice in the back of my head wh
ispering that it was a terrible idea and I was asking for trouble.
There was another voice whispering back there as well. A voice I was doing my best to ignore. A voice that was hoping Claire would be there. That was excited at the prospect of seeing her again.
If anything that second voice just made the first one all the more alarmed. What was I getting myself into?
“So I was thinking, it’s just the two of us here and we have a little time…” Kyle said.
I sighed. I worried he was going to try and do something like this. He knew I liked time to decompress after getting home from work, though to be honest I was never all that enthusiastic about having “us time” with Kyle, as he liked to euphemistically put it since he apparently had trouble coming out and saying he wanted to have sex without wrapping it up in silly jokes which just served to make me less inclined than I already was.
“Maybe later tonight Kyle,” I said. “I need to respond to this and spend some time vegging out and recovering from work.”
Kyle sighed and he gave the door a good slam on his way out. He knew just as well as I did that “maybe later” meant no. I don’t know why I even said it anymore considering we both knew what it meant, but I wasn’t in a mood to deal with that right now.
As soon as he was out of the room with the door conveniently closed I pulled Claire’s profile back up. Looking at her made me feel warm inside, and it sent a tingling sensation running down my skin. I looked down and was surprised to see goose bumps rising all over my skin as I felt a faint pulsing between my legs that I almost never felt when I was with Kyle, though I usually chalked that up to how ambivalent I’d grown about a relationship that probably should have ended right along with my college career.
Now that I was looking at Claire, though, I was thinking about things with Kyle, things with every guy I’d dated in the years since, in a completely different way. And I didn’t know whether I was more excited or terrified by what that might mean.
