by Mia Archer
And as I thought back to that night the mental floodgates opened. If I'd gotten turned on by her that night, if I'd gotten good and revved up feeling her tongue exploring my mouth, her body pressed against mine, her surprisingly skilled hands roaming all over me, well that was nothing compared to how turned on I was imagining her working that skill on me with that body she was rocking in the here and now.
Apparently five years of frustration, five years of denied feelings, five years of trying to bottle up everything from that night was taking its toll on me. It was causing everything to erupt in exactly the sort of way I’d been afraid of since I decided to come out here for the reunion. I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath in an attempt to get things under control, and let it out.
"Allison?"
I was pulled back to reality by Tiffany shaking my shoulder. She looked more annoyed than worried. Of course she was annoyed. Someone's attention had been pulled away from her endless prattling. That was probably the biggest sin in the world as far as she was concerned.
"Yeah, great catching up with you Tiffany," I said as I stood and then wondered what the hell I was supposed to do. Claire’s eyes burned into me for a moment longer and then she was turning to pull that Darcy girl into a hug, though Val was nowhere to be found.
Val. Val was my friend. Darcy was Claire’s friend. If I sat with Val then I had an excuse to talk to Claire that wouldn’t seem too obvious. At least I hoped it wouldn’t be too obvious.
I searched the room and saw Valerie on the other side watching Darcy and Claire hugging with some trepidation. And why not? Claire was out and proud before either of them so I could see where Valerie might think Claire was a potential threat. At least that was the only reason I could think of for Val to be staring at her with thinly veiled hostility like that.
Yeah, she seemed like she needed a friend. Needed someone over there for moral support. At least that’s what I told myself as I walked over to her table even if the excuse felt pretty damn flimsy.
11: Reunion
I was a such an idiot.
I was an idiot for even coming here in the first place. I was an idiot for listening to Felicia and falling for all that bullshit about solidarity. Yeah, I’m sure the real reason she wanted me out here was so she could hear all the stories about how everything went to hell as soon as I got here. She loved stirring the pot.
At least that’s what I told myself as I scanned the room. I told myself I was looking for friends, but I knew I was looking for her. I was looking for the real life version of those pictures I’d been staring at since I got the reunion invite. The pictures I’d been doing more than staring at, if you catch my drift, much to my shame after I finished.
No, I wasn’t looking for Samantha or Darcy even if it would be nice to see them. I was looking for her. Allison. The girl I'd had a crush on ever since the first time I realized my feelings for another girl went beyond mere friendship. The most beautiful creature in the world, or at the very least the most beautiful creature in the world when I was going through puberty and her name had been forever imprinted on my psyche and my erotic imagination in equal measure.
I looked around the gathering room and thought about how rundown everything looked. Exactly like I remembered it when I’d been stuck living in this shithole. This place had nothing to offer me. Nothing except for her, and even that was just a crazy dream that was better forgotten considering how things went the last time we met.
No, those pictures might show a pretty girl smiling at the camera, but she was still Allison, still the girl who’d crushed me five years ago. The girl I’d still be avoiding if it wasn’t for Felicia and all the other girls at the bar strong arming me and even going so far as to threaten banning me from the bar for a month if I didn’t come out here.
That was a particularly low blow, but it was a low blow that worked. I was here despite my better sense of judgment telling me it was a bad idea.
Yeah, it was a mistake to even come here. I was stupid for even making the trip. More than anything it was stupid for me to come out here just because of a memory, which if I was perfectly honest was the real reason I was out here no matter what threats Felicia had made. I was a fool for thinking a second meeting after all these years could end in anything but tears. I was an idiot for having a small flame of hope I thought long extinguished flickering deep inside me and growing stronger the closer I got to the homeland.
Still, I was here, and I figured I might as well make the most of it. I figured I’d have some friends coming to the reunion, the few friends I had at this place before I busted out for good, and even if they didn’t show the least I could do was circulate and mingle a bit. Catch up with people I really and truly would probably never see again after this weekend and let them know just how well life was going after I reached escape velocity.
After all, wasn’t that what reunions were for?
I looked around the room again, giving it a good look rather than just a quick once over. I paused when I saw her. Allison. Stuck talking with Tiffany. I felt a shiver run through me as conflicting emotions ran through me. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to punch her. More than anything I wanted to drink in her beauty, but I forced myself to pull away from her. There was too much going on there, and I couldn’t handle it yet. I at least needed a drink first.
Thankfully there was a familiar face over at the bar. I smiled as I made my way over and sat down next to a pretty brown haired girl who I’d done my best to never think of as pretty because that would make things way to awkward in the locker room.
"Well hello there Sam," I said. “Buy a girl a drink?”
Samantha glanced at me when I sat next to her but now she turned and gave me a good look. Her face broke into a huge grin which made me feel just a little guilty that she was included in my policy of not adding anyone from home. It was fucked up, to be sure, but I didn’t want to take any chances that I might accidentally run into Allison online.
And now here I’d been spending the past couple of days in preparation for this reunion doing nothing but refreshing her locked down profile and willing her to add some new pictures or something to give me an idea of what she was doing, how she was feeling, leading up to this moment.
“Well if it isn’t my other lesbian friend from the softball team!” she said with a raised glass. She took a swig and then looked back out over the room.
I blinked. There were a lot of ways I saw my first conversation with Samantha in years going, but that definitely wasn’t the opener I’d expected. Anger at ignoring her I could understand. Maybe indifference or not even remembering me which would’ve sucked but at the same time I could understand it. The last thing I expected was for her to refer to me as her other lesbian friend. What the hell was going on there. Who else had come out?
“What the hell are you talking about Sam?” I asked.
Samantha didn’t respond in words. No, she just nodded across the meeting room. I followed her gaze but I didn’t see what I was supposed to be looking at. There were lots of people chatting in little groups. Then I saw her again.
Allison.
My heart leapt into my throat as I saw her. Particularly when I saw that she’d broken free from Tiffany. Now she was standing and talking with Darcy and a girl who might have been one of Allison’s friends back in the day but I couldn’t recall. Did I remember seeing that girl on that night? I didn’t think I’d forget a body like that, but then again I’d spent so much time trying to forget so much about that night that it was hardly surprising some random girl I never talked to would also be on that list.
“What’s Darcy doing over there talking with her?”
“Her girlfriend?”
Once more I felt my heart seize. I felt as though I was going to faint or pass out. Darcy was with Allison? What the hell? I squeezed my hands into fists and tried to loosen them, only I realized too late that by loosening them they were just forming into claws. Claws that I could use to rip Darcy’s eyes out.<
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This didn’t make sense. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like the whole room was closing in around me. I felt like I was going to pass out. It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair! If Darcy wanted to date girls then good on her for finally being true to who she was and overcoming her crazy parents, though I never would have expected that from her.
Yeah, if she wanted to be out and proud then she could be out and proud. That was her business. I just had a problem if she was out and proud and she was stealing my girl! That was definitely my business! And it was totally a party foul on her part since she knew how obsessed I’d been with Allison.
Did she know what happened all those years ago? Did Allison tell her? If they were dating, if Darcy really was the one who finally brought her out of her shell, a job I’d secretly fantasized about even when I tried my best to forget her, then there was a good chance she knew everything. Including the night my heart was crushed by Allison and I decided to stay the hell away from this place forever. Not that I’d done a good job with the “forever” thing considering I was here tonight.
I needed more information.
“When did Darcy and Allison start dating?”
Sam laughed and took another swig from her drink. “Typical Claire.”
I blinked and rounded on Sam. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“So wrapped up in thinking about Allison that you don’t see what’s going on in the rest of the world around you,” Sam said. “Nice to see that some things haven’t changed even if you did go off to the big city and all that.”
“What…”
Sam held up a hand to stop me before I really got started. “Darcy isn’t dating Allison. Darcy is dating Valerie, who happened to be Allison’s best friend back in high school, guess she had a thing for turning best friends to the fairer sex. I understand they didn’t really keep in touch after school. I suppose you’d know something about that if you’d bothered to keep in touch yourself.”
I very nearly collapsed against the bar. I felt ashamed at the wave of relief I felt knowing Allison wasn’t with another woman, though I was less than thrilled that she was with a guy. Two sets of annoyance warred inside me, the first annoyance that she was still lying to herself and the second annoyance that I’d been so worried about her coming out and not coming out with me.
Of course I wouldn’t have to worry about that. Of course the perfect girl wouldn’t have shared her deep dark secret with the rest of the world. And so more than anything I was annoyed that I still didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with her. Hope had fluttered in my stomach for the briefest of moments when I thought she was out even if she was with another person. That meant I had a chance.
But that hope was just as dead now as it had been when I came here.
Then Samantha’s words really hit home. I’d know a thing or two about dropping contact with people. Suddenly I felt a wave of guilt overcoming me and I reached out to pat her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry Sam,” I said. “I was so pissed off that last summer and after everything that happened here I just wanted to distance myself from this town so I didn’t bother keeping up with anyone and…”
“Even the people who had your back after you came out?” Sam asked. “I stood by you. The least you could do is try to keep in touch with us. God knows I could’ve used some help when Darcy decided to step out of her closet. What is it with closet cases from that softball team feeling like I’m safe to come out to?”
I grinned. “Well you did such a great job the first time around that I’m sure you were the first person she thought of.”
Sam took another drink. She seemed to be enjoying the hell out of that drink. “Yeah, I suppose there is some truth to that.”
“Look, I’m sorry I stayed away from everyone. After everything that happened I overreacted maybe just a little,” I said.
“Maybe? Just a little?”
“Okay so I overreacted. A lot.”
“Now that’s more like it!” Sam said. Then a sly smile came to her face. A sly smile like the one I’d last seen around the time she was trying to convince me to go to the beach party that had turned out to be such a disaster. The sly sort of smile that usually meant I was about to get into a whole heap of trouble, as my grandpa who had a little more small town in him than just about anyone else I knew, used to say.
Not that having a little more small town in him than anyone else I knew kept him from loving me unconditionally even after I came out. God I missed that man sometimes.
“I think the more important question though, more important than why you decided to run off to the big city and ignore all us poor country bumpkins trapped back here, is why you’re still so interested in what’s going on with Allison.”
I tried to make my voice sound cool. I tried to sound calm. Collected. It was something I’d learned over the past five years. I’d realized that my passions ran close to the surface, especially after what I went through here after coming out, and I’d spent a couple of years getting that under control.
For the most part. I didn’t know if I was doing a very good job of it right now.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“Sure you don’t,” Sam said, and the sarcastic tinge to her voice made it clear she didn’t believe me one little bit. “There’s something going on beyond the crush you had on that girl, and I’m going to find out what it is. I’m also pretty sure it has something to do with that night down by the lake when you suddenly had to get the hell away from there as fast as possible, pulling me away from what was turning into a pretty damn fun night with Eric.”
I blinked. “Did I really pull you away from Eric?”
Sam took another sip of her drink. “You did, but don’t worry about it. He turned out to be a first rate asshole.”
I sighed in relief and let out a little giggle. “Glad I could help.”
“You’re still avoiding my question.”
“What question? I didn’t hear a question.”
“What’s going on with you and Allison?”
“Nothing,” I said, my voice flat. And that was true enough. Was there something going on between me and Allison once upon a time? Sure. For a glorious hour or so in front of a bonfire down at the lake and then in a lounge chair at Allison’s house. That one hour had ended five years ago though. There was absolutely nothing going on between me and Allison today. I could say that with a more than straight face and a clean conscience.
“If you say so,” Samantha said. “I don’t believe you though.”
“So Darcy and that girl, did you say her name was Vanessa?”
Sam rolled her eyes. “Still as good with names as you ever were, huh? Her name is Valerie. I’m to understand from Darcy that Val and Allison drifted apart when Allison went off to college and they both stayed back to go to community college.”
My eyes narrowed as I looked out across the room at the three of them standing there chatting like they were all old friends. There was a hell of a lot to unpack there in that statement. Allison’s former best friend, just like me. Turns out to be a lesbian, just like me. It made me wonder if there was something in the water over at Allison’s house that gave her a propensity to “turn women to the fairer sex” as Sam had so eloquently put it.
Or maybe there was a type of girl Allison was drawn to even if she didn’t know it. Even if the girls she hung out with didn’t know it.
It was an interesting conundrum. I was still mulling it over when Darcy glanced over to us and grinned. Then she saw me and if anything the smile grew even wider. She gestured for me to come over and I shook my head ever so subtly. There was no way I was walking into that lion’s den. I wasn’t ready for it.
“Something wrong?” Samantha asked. “Don’t want to go over there and talk with Darcy?”
“It’s not that Sam,” I said. “I just don’t…”
“Want to go over and risk talking to Allison again? You’re being p
retty obvious about it. You don’t want to go over there almost as much as you do want to go over there, right?”
I rolled my eyes and made sure she saw it. “Since when did you become some sort of lesbian love-life Yoda?”
“Since the lesbian population in our graduating class decided I was the one person in this whole town they could confide in. Now listen to my advice you will.”
“I’m not going over there.”
I was amazed at how quickly we were settling into our old roles. How quickly we’d gotten back to the dynamic where I was refusing to do something and Samantha wasn’t taking no for an answer. Where she was prodding me to go and do something I didn’t want to but which would probably ultimately be good for me. Or at the very least it was something that needed done even if it wasn’t good for me.
It was a dynamic I could’ve done without. Especially if that dynamic was trying to push me back into the arms of Allison who’d made it painfully obvious that she wasn’t interested in opening her arms, or anything else for that matter, to me.
I was about to continue our conversation, give Sam a list of specific reasons why there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going over to talk to Darcy or her new girlfriend if Allison was there, when I was interrupted by the bartender tapping me on the shoulder.
I turned around to see a pretty thing with striking eyes looking at me, though she regarded me with the casual disinterest of a straight girl. Definitely a change from what I was used to with Felicia. Definitely a reminder I wasn’t in the sort of place where everybody knew my name.
"So what's your poison?"
"I'll have a diet soda and your best whiskey," I said. I was in a mood for something strong, though examining the shelf behind her it seemed like the best whiskey they had on offer wasn't all that great. Not that it particularly mattered. All I needed was a kick, and the cheap stuff they had would do the trick nicely.
“So? Why aren’t you over there yet? You have your liquid courage,” Sam said.
I hid a grimace in a sip from the drink the bartender brought at just the right time. Sam wasn’t going to give up, damn it. I didn't want to let on just how tempted I was to walk over there. I definitely didn't want to admit that I was discovering I was still a slave to a ridiculous crush that had started in middle school. Besides, something told me she knew and that’s why she was badgering me to go over there in the first place.
