by Mia Archer
“Kyle, what are you doing here?”
“What do you mean? It’s your reunion weekend! I thought you’d want me here to meet everybody!”
I sighed. Was it really possible for someone to be that clueless? I could understand if he missed me and wanted to spend time with me, but it wasn’t like we never saw each other during the week. Sometimes I felt like I never got a moment alone. If I wanted to watch TV then he’d insist on coming into the room and watching with me and we always ended up watching something he wanted to watch. If I wanted to go to a concert or out to a bar with friends then he wanted to be there as well.
If he was going out with his friends then he wanted me to tag along even though those trips inevitably turned into me sitting at a bar looking bored while they talked about sports or how awesome some comic book movie was or any number of other guy things that just didn’t interest me at all.
Now that I was really thinking about it, now that I’d had the benefit of being away from him for even just a short little while, I was starting to realize that maybe some of the exhaustion I felt whenever I thought about coming home to Kyle wasn’t entirely on me. It wasn’t entirely that apparently I’d been into girls this whole time and I was sort of living a lie by having a boyfriend.
Oops.
No, part of it was that Kyle was an overbearing jackass who always made things about him, who was always smothering me with his presence, and I was at the point where I wasn’t putting up with it anymore. Being with Claire last night had set me free in one way by making me not give a shit what other people thought about me if I came out, or at the very least it gave me the courage to act like I didn’t care even though deep down it still worried me a little.
And apparently part of that not giving a fuck attitude included not giving a fuck about what Kyle thought. Not worrying so much about hurting his feelings because damn was it tiring trying to keep up with him.
“Kyle, I recall specifically telling you I didn’t want you out here at all. I wanted to have some time alone with my friends, remember?”
“Well yeah, but I figured you’d want me here to hang out. We don’t get to spend enough time together as it is! Besides, I was hoping maybe we could have a little fun in your bedroom with your parents out of town, if you know what I mean.”
I sighed. I was not equipped to deal with this crap this early. There was just so much wrong with what he’d just said that I didn’t even know where to begin trying to deal with it. More than anything I found myself missing Claire despite what she’d said about me in those texts. I found myself missing how easy it was to be with her, at least how easy it was being with her when we weren’t dealing with residual issues from half a decade ago. I missed how she felt against me. I missed the fire I felt deep in the core of my being when she was near.
She made me feel alive in a way I’d never felt with Kyle, and I was starting to see why. I was starting to feel like this was less a relationship and more a hostage situation. A hostage situation that had come looking for me when I tried to break free for just one fucking weekend.
“I don’t see why you’re acting like this is such a big deal Allison,” he said. “We’ve been dating for awhile now, and I feel like I should know a little more about the people you grew up with. About where you come from! Get to know everybody!”
I just wasn’t getting through to him. On the one hand I felt bad because he seemed sincere in his desire to get to know more about me, but on the other hand it was just so damn infuriating that he refused to see that he was smothering me even if my budding romance with Claire wasn’t a thing.
No, this was a relationship that definitely would’ve had an expiration date even if I hadn’t decided to be honest about how I felt about another woman. He was always pulling these grand gestures like he expected me to swoon like some girl in a movie, but it got so exhausting after awhile. Especially when I’d made it crystal clear time and again that I just wasn’t in that bullshit.
I needed to stop thinking about this. I got up and moved over to the door leading out to the deck which eventually curved around the house towards the pool. The pool where I’d had so much fun with Claire the night before. Fuck, I was getting goose bumps and my breathing was picking up just thinking of everything we’d done!
“Looks like someone is getting a little excited,” Kyle said, coming up behind me and wrapping an arm around me. I stiffened immediately, but as with all things in our relationship Kyle either didn’t notice or pretended not to notice that I wasn’t into what he was doing. “Were you maybe thinking about slipping up to your room?”
I tried to pull away but he held me in place. His lips brushed against my neck and I felt nothing. None of the heat I’d enjoyed the night before when it was Claire brushing her lips against me. None of the excitement between my legs as he started grinding against me, and judging by the hard lump pressing against my ass at least one of us was pretty happy to be standing here like this.
That person wasn’t me, though. I pushed at him again and this time he let go.
“Kyle, I’m really not in the mood,” I said.
Kyle sighed. “You’re never in the mood.”
I probably should’ve felt guilty about that, but I was having trouble feeling anything but irritation when it came to Kyle. Did that make me a bitch? Maybe, but I was so tired of his crap, so over it, that I didn’t care if I was moving into bitchy territory. He’d already moved firmly into asshole territory when he decided to get up at who-the-fuck-is-up-this-early-thirty and drive out here after I asked him not to.
“Kyle, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to go put my suit on…”
“Yeah! Can’t wait to see that!”
I closed my eyes and counted to a number that was a lot higher than ten in an attempt to get my irritation under control. It didn’t help.
“I’m going to go down and have fun with my friends from school who I wanted to have fun with alone this weekend. You’re going to get in the car, turn around, and drive back to our apartment and have fun playing video games or whatever it is you do when you have a weekend all to yourself. And when I get back tomorrow night we need to talk.”
There. I’d done it. I’d even dropped the nuclear phrase. The four words that everyone knew meant the days of a relationship were numbered. Though of course in classic Kyle fashion he either wasn’t picking up on it or he was ignoring it if he was picking up on my not-so-subtle meaning.
“But I was looking forward to this! I was looking forward to being out there with all your oldest friends!”
I sighed and closed my eyes. I counted to an even higher number, though once more it didn’t really help the situation. At all. It seemed that he just wasn’t going to take a hint no matter how direct I got.
“You aren’t coming out there to the beach with me, and that’s final.”
“Good one babe,” he said with a laugh. I resisted the urge to growl in frustration.
That urge was still there fifteen minutes later when I stepped out onto the deck and he was right there behind me, but at the same time what could I do? I was going to a party on a public stretch of beach and it’s not like I was going to get a restraining order to keep him from going to one fucking party.
I rounded the deck to the pool and I was overwhelmed by the memory of what we’d done there the night before. Then I looked at Kyle and it was a strange counterpoint thinking of all the times I’d been with him and it had felt like I was waiting for it to be over moreso than I was enjoying anything. I felt guilty for thinking that at the same time. Guilty for making him think I was something that I knew deep down I wasn’t. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty thing to do. Almost as shitty as what I’d done to Claire.
This whole weekend was just making me feel like a wonderful example of humanity, let me tell you.
I sighed. After what happened this morning there was a good chance I’d never get to enjoy that with Claire again. I thought about those messages on her phone, and it su
ddenly occurred to me that Kyle might be good for something if he was insisting on following me around after I made it clear that was the last thing I wanted. Sure he was a guy and things might be a little different, but he was the only person I had around who was into girls so I figured that was good enough, right?
“Kyle, did you ever brag to your friends when you were with me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Y’know, did you ever brag about getting with me? Maybe exaggerate things?”
Kyle shrugged. “Duh. Who doesn’t do that? That’s just how guys are when they’re with a girl. We brag and sometimes we say stupid stuff. Why? Did one of my friends tell you something? Is that why you’re giving me the cold shoulder?”
I didn’t answer him and we slipped back into silence as we made our way down the stairs and passed the lounge chairs where I’d had my tryst with Claire years ago. Of course the chairs had been replaced since then, even the most robust model didn’t last for more than a couple of years out in the elements, but they were still a reminder of what happened years ago. They still caused my stomach to flutter and a thrill to run down my spine. Thinking of that night still set a fire burning deep inside me that I was having a hard time controlling.
Kyle gave me something to think about, at least. What if she had just been bragging? Girls were always complaining about guys pulling that sort of bullshit, and what if it wasn’t any different with girls who were into girls? I was just too new to this, knew too little, to really make an educated guess one way or another. I was flailing in the darkness trying to figure something out and I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
I could hear the sound of music in the distance and it was getting louder. Any minute now we’d round the bend in the beach and Derek’s house would come into view.
“This is going to be fucking awesome,” Kyle said.
He still had that weird smile on his face when he looked at me, and that had me on guard. That was the sort of smile that said he was planning something. One of those annoying grand gestures that always annoyed me more than anything. It spoke volumes about the long term prospects for our relationship that I preferred romantic gestures that were more subdued and private. That weren’t a production number put on for anyone who happened to be around.
Yeah, that look meant nothing good, but I wasn’t about to ask him what he was up to. I figured if I did my best to avoid him during the party I could forestall whatever the hell it was he was planning, because I knew that whatever it was, I wasn’t going to like it.
Was that a bitchy thing to think? Yeah, I suppose so, but I was in that weird head space where the relationship was over in my mind but I was still trying to act like everything was okay. Everyone’s been there before. What I really needed to do was tell him it was over, but that burning sense of guilt stopped me every time I opened my mouth even though I desperately needed to do it and then we were at the beach party and it didn’t matter anymore because that wasn’t a conversation I was going to have in a crowd.
Damn it. I needed to grow a fucking backbone. I needed to get this over with. Only once more I took the cowardly way out, something I felt like I’d been doing a lot over the past five years, and suffered in silence for it. Which, incidentally, was something else I’d been doing a lot over the past five years.
Yeah, this was shaping up to be one hell of a party.
I looked around for Claire but didn’t see her. I don’t know what I was expecting, really. It’s not like she ever came to these parties when we were in school with the exception of that one magical night. Why would she start coming to them now when she really didn’t have a reason to? When she had one hell of a reason for not coming? No, she was probably halfway back to the city by now and I’d never see her again unless I was creeping on her late at night on social media.
It seemed we were destined to forever be star-crossed lovers. Circumstance and our own stubborn pigheadedness was forever going to keep us apart. Even if I did decide to date other girls, something that seemed likely after all the soul searching I’d been doing this weekend thanks to Claire, she would forever be the one who got away.
I suppose at the very least I could think on her fondly for being the one who prompted me to do that soul searching. For being the one who gave me the push I so desperately needed even if I’d struggled against that push every step of the way.
I was about to head over to one of the kegs and get the first of what promised to be many beers, I was in the sort of mood where I needed alcohol more than anything and I was going to have to go for sheer volume considering the cheap five percent alcohol by volume piss water they put in those kegs, when a car pulled up.
My heart leapt into my throat as the first girl got out. For a moment I was sure that was Claire. It was the same hair, a similar face, even a similar body. Only it wasn’t. My heart went from my throat down into the pit of my stomach as I realized that couldn’t be Claire. It was just a girl who looked a lot like her, only maybe a few years younger. Very pretty, to be sure, but not the girl I was looking for.
Then the passenger door opened and my heart was right back up in my throat. It was a roller coaster of emotions I was enjoying as a girl stepped out. The hair, the face, the body were all there. She’d come. Against all reason and possibility Claire was here.
I wanted to go up and talk to her, to clear everything up, but she scanned the crowd and the scowl on her face when she saw me standing at the keg with Kyle acting as my shadow gave me pause. Maybe she wasn’t in a mood to talk to me even if she was out here at the party. Maybe it was that Kyle was here with me, but if he wasn’t going to listen to me when I told him to get lost point blank then I didn’t see how I was going to get rid of him long enough to go over and talk with her.
I needed to do it. I needed to end things. I needed to end this charade that had been going on for the past couple of years with Kyle in particular and for the past five years or so with men in general. I steeled my resolve. Turned and opened my mouth, and Kyle brought me up short.
“They have beach volleyball here!” he said. “C’mon, this should be fun!”
And then I was trying not to spill my beer as he pulled me along and in a moment we were surrounded by people and I didn’t want to dump him in the middle of a crowd, because how bitchy was that? Dump him in the middle of a crowd of people he didn’t even know? Though I guess it would be partly his fault since the whole reason he was in the middle of that crowd in the first place was because he insisted on coming out here with me when I’d made it clear he wasn’t welcome.
So against my better judgment I let myself be pulled into a beach volleyball game.
I wasn’t too worried, though. Claire was here. That was all that mattered. It made me feel warm and fuzzy all over knowing she was nearby and there was still a chance. The party would go on well into the night which meant there would be plenty of time later to break up with Kyle and go talk to Claire and try to patch things up.
I hoped. How I imagined things going in my head and how they actually played out in reality hadn’t exactly been syncing up very well lately.
23: Idiotic Proposal
“See, it isn’t so bad being out here. Just a bunch of people partying and getting drunk like they always do,” Amy said.
I shook my head as I looked out the window at everyone having a good time. There were a couple of giant bonfires set up but they hadn’t been lit yet. It’s not like they were necessary this early in the day when the summer sun was overhead providing plenty of light and heat in equal measure.
This reminded me of pulling up to a very similar party once upon a time, though Sam and Darcy were the ones doing the driving then. And I’d been in the back seat rather than the front. Still, it was so similar as to be downright eerie.
I was even more nervous now than I’d been back then. At that party I had no idea what was about to happen. I had no idea I was about to face a life changing event that was going to put one hell of a z
ap on me and trickle down to every relationship I had for the next few years. If I’d known all of that was going to happen then I probably would’ve seriously considered backing out no matter how much Sam and Darcy harassed me.
I could see Sam out there and it looked like she was the one who’d been cornered by Tiffany this time around. I felt bad for her. There was a good chance she could be stuck in that conversation for most of the night if she didn’t figure out a way to extricate herself and fast.
Darcy was also out there with that Victoria girl, or whatever the hell her name was. I really was going to have to figure that out, but at this point I was too afraid to go and ask. The curse of having the sort of memory that heard a person’s name with one thought and then casually discarded it with the next.
I didn’t see Allison. Hope rose as I searched the crowd and I chided myself for feeling hopeful in the first place. I was going to make an attempt to talk to her, but there was an insistent little voice deep inside me that was screaming it was a ridiculous idea.
Not that I could talk to her if she wasn’t there. I felt a moment of panic. What if she decided to go home with her boyfriend after what happened? What if they decided to stay at her house? She could be halfway back home and I wouldn’t know until it was too late. The only contact I’d have with her moving forward would be creeping on her profile on social media, assuming she didn’t lock that down.
Amy got out of the car first, but I found myself rooted to the spot. Afraid to move. If I moved then I was going to go out into that crowd. A crowd that, if what Amy was telling me could be believed, had at least suspected something was going on with me and Allison for years now even though I thought it was a secret. That wasn’t as big a deal to me as it probably would be to Allison if she found out, but I was still reluctant to go out there for some reason.
