by Robin Leaf
Jake stood next to the stage as I stumbled off of it.
“What the fuck was that, Nate?”
“What?” I spat at him, trying to look innocent. “I like that song.”
He grabbed his head with both hands. “You’re a fucking idiot. There are no words.” He paced back and forth. “I’m fucking speechless.” He held out his hand. “Keys. Now!” I reached in my pocket and handed them over, slightly confused as to why he wanted them. “You find another way home tonight. When you sober up tomorrow, you will understand what you just did.”
He turned and walked away. I dazedly watched him leave, his arm around Etta.
His fucking arm around Etta.
I returned to the table and met Jackson’s angry face.
“I’m surprised you’re still here, Jackson,” I slurred, finally understanding how drunk I really was. “I thought you’d be taking Etta home.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Oh my God, that’s what this whole night was about?” He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re jealous?” He stepped toward me and lowered his tone. “I thought you knew.” He paused, studying my face. “You really didn’t know I’m gay? I have been out for twelve years.”
I sat down in the booth, stunned, starting to piece together what I’d done while he continued talking. “Etta asked me here to try to talk me into coming and working for her. She’s been asking me for years.” He waited for me to say something. “I told you once not to screw things up with her, but man, you really are a dumbass.” He sat down and called the waitress over to order some food, coffee, and water. “What was all that, anyway?”
I laughed humorlessly. “That was me fucking up again.” I covered my face, hiding the tears threatening to fall. I waited for the waitress to deliver the coffee before I started talking, and then I couldn’t stop.
I confessed everything to Jackson. What happened eight years ago, how I felt then, how I tried to get over her, how I never did, and how it all came back when I saw her. He listened and didn’t judge. We sat there for two hours while I confessed my deepest secret to him.
“Got news for you, Nate. The way you looked at her back then? It wasn’t any big secret. I saw it. The team saw it. Coach saw it. Everyone with eyes saw it.”
“Yeah? Well, how come she didn’t?”
He sighed. “Apparently she’s as big a dumbass as you are.” He smiled. “C’mon. I’ll drive you home.”
My drunkenness was not completely gone, but it had worn off enough that I could give lucid directions to my house. When we got there, I turned to face Jackson.
“Thanks, Jackson, for listening to me whine and for the ride home.” I held out my hand and he shook it. “I am really sorry for, well, making an ass out of myself.”
He laughed. “Yeah, well, you did nail that song. I didn’t know you could sing like that.”
I opened the car door, then I turned back to face him. “Hey, accept Etta’s offer. It shouldn’t even be a consideration. She needs someone like you there. You two always did make a great team. I’m sure you would just make her more successful.”
He smiled. “I am going to accept it.” He held out his hand to shake. “Night, Nate.”
I watched him drive away. Since Jake had taken my keys away, I had to punch in the code to open the garage door to get into the house. Both my car and Jake’s were in their usual spots. Funny how I forgot about my car. But if both were here, it meant that Etta drove one. Which meant she could still be here. With Jake.
No. Jake wouldn’t do that to me. I shook off the thought and walked in the house.
I heard it.
Them.
Having sex.
In. My. House.
Homicidal.
I rounded into the living room and I could only see Jake. Fucking her from behind. Holding her by her wrists with her arms behind her. A position I’d dreamed of with Etta.
I never looked at her. I couldn’t.
I grabbed him around the neck and pulled him away from her, not caring that he was naked. Not caring that his still-hard cock waved at me. Not caring that the betraying bitch screamed. Not caring that he was my brother whom I loved. Not caring about anything. I swung at him full throttle, connecting with the edge of his chin. He fell back, but I grabbed him under the arms before he fell on the ground. I shoved him up against the wall, my forearm to his throat. He grabbed my wrist and tried to push back, but I was fueled by too much anger and adrenaline to be moved. I grabbed him by the shoulder and slammed him back again, forcing my arm against his neck again.
I felt something scratch at me, but I was too focused on killing my brother to see what it was.
“No, get back, Ashley!” Jake coughed out.
I pulled back my arm again, ready to swing.
Wait.
Did he say Ashley?
I took a step back and froze. Jake took the opportunity to scramble away from me and threw Ashley something to cover herself and led her out of the room.
I don’t know how long I stayed there. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. I was numb and blind. The only other time I remembered feeling like that was when my dad died. Except then I had Etta. Now I didn’t. And I’d probably lost my brother, too. And when Mom found out… I’d lose everyone. No career. No girl. No family. Completely alone.
And I deserved every ounce of it.
I felt an arm around me, guiding me to the couch. I sat. Something cold was placed on my hand. Having a hard time focusing my eyes, I saw blurry, slender fingers holding an ice pack on my knuckles. My eyes traveled up her arm to her face. Ashley, blurry, but smiling sadly. She reached up and wiped my face.
“Don’t.” I sobbed. Explains why she was blurry. I was crying. Crying. Like a baby. And I didn’t care.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t be nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Why would you say that?”
“You were there. I freaked out on my brother.” I dropped my head back on the couch. “Oh, God, Jake. Is he okay?”
She smiled. “He might have a couple of bruises. When you slammed him, I thought you’d kill him. Luckily, you backed off. I was about to knock you over the head.” She smiled. “I was actually coming down to get him an ice pack and found you in the same place we left you.” She pulled her feet under her and turned toward me. “You looked like you needed a friend.”
“Those are in short supply with me.” I handed her the ice pack. “Take this to him. He needs it more than I do.”
She grabbed the ice pack and walked into the kitchen. I heard doors open and close, and she walked back to the couch with an array of snacks and two bottles of water. She handed me a bottle and settled next to me.
“What are you doing? Jake probably is wondering where you are.”
“I’m not leaving you to have this pity party alone. I thought it could use some food.” She opened a jar of peanuts. “So, you punched your brother. Big deal. I fell in love with my best friend while my fiancé was deployed.”
“I fell in love with my best friend.”
“Then I lied about it to everyone for months,” Ashley confessed.
“I lied about it for two years.” I smiled.
“Then I cheated on said fiancé two days before he’s due back home,” she added, pouring some peanuts in her hand.
“I waited until the night before I moved to another state to try to confess my love for my best friend, in public, I might add.”
She popped a few nuts in her mouth. “My best friend tells me he loves me, and I tell him I’m going to spend a month with my fiancé.”
“I got rejected by the girl I love and cut every one of my friends out of my life.”
She handed me the jar of peanuts and grabbed the bag of chocolate. “I didn’t contact the guy I loved the whole time I was with my fiancé, all the while trying to find inventive excuses to not have sex with the fiancé I haven’t seen in two years. I left my love hanging for weeks while he wondered what was happen
ing. In fact, I asked him to stop contacting me because the guilt was killing me.”
I poured peanuts in my hand. “I sang a song tonight to the only girl I’ve ever loved that basically said that when I confessed my love, I lied and I only said it to fuck her, causing her to leave the bar with my brother.”
“Oooh, harsh.” She unwrapped a chocolate and popped it into her mouth. “I waited until three days before my fiancé goes back to Afghanistan to tell him about your brother, only to have him tell me he fell in love with a fellow female soldier over there. It explained why he wasn’t too pushy about the no-sex thing. However, that just meant I wasted the month being away from a man who loves me on a man who doesn’t.”
“Wow, that sucks.” I shoved half of the handful of nuts in my mouth. “I punched my brother because I came home from the bar and thought he was fucking the girl I love.”
“Ah, that makes sense now.” She nodded her head. “We both thought you just snapped.”
“Well, I kinda did,” I admitted, grabbing and unwrapping a chocolate. “I didn’t see you naked or anything, by the way. I was too focused on killing Jake.”
She laughed. “Yeah, because that’s what I was worried about.” She pushed me playfully in the arm. “It was awkward enough like it was. I felt like we were in some slasher flick. The kids having sex always get hacked first.”
My face turned serious. “I am so sorry about that. Leave it to me to ruin your reunion.” I sighed. “I’m sure Jake hates me.”
“No, he could never hate you, Nathaniel. He might be mad, but he’ll get over it.” She ate one more chocolate. “Look, the reason I started our little confessional here is that I wanted you to know that you weren’t the only one who made stupid mistakes, especially in love. It’s actually pretty common.” She paused. “The thing I had in my favor was that Jacob never gave up on me, even when I asked him to, he didn’t.”
“Yeah, he’s a great guy.” I sighed again. “But…”
“But nothing, Nathaniel. Look, that chick you love, it is Etta right?” I nodded. “It sounds to me like both of you are to blame for this mess. I’ll tell you a little secret… she loves you, too. I heard her tell Jacob. He took me to one of their bar nights right before you started physical therapy.” I started to say something, but she held up her hand. “She made him swear not to tell you, so don’t get mad at him. I, however, promised nothing. She said something about being burned by you and that you never loved her. She’s stupid if you ask me. It’s so obvious you do.” She smiled. “You just have to convince her you do and don’t give up until she believes you.”
“How do I do that?”
She bit both her lips together. “I’m not sure. After your song… was it Papa Roach?” I nodded. “I love that song. Anyway, she’s probably pretty hurt and pissed off. Apologize. As soon as you think she’ll listen. You probably should give her time to cool off first, but find a way to get her to listen to you. Throw her everything you have. Give her no choice but to believe you.”
“You’ve never seen the real Eddie. The only person more stubborn than her is probably my mom, and Eddie might even have her beat.”
“Employ your mom then. Find out what would work for her and try with Etta.”
“Good luck with that, Nate,” Jake said, startling both Ashley and me.
“My God, Jake.” I stood up. “I’m so sorry.” I walked slowly toward him. “I thought Ashley was Etta, and I just…”
“I heard.” He studied me for a minute. “I’ve been down here for a while.”
“Eavesdropping?” Ashley tsked, walking to Jake’s side. “Jacob Slaughter, I’m shocked.” She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, and he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close.
“Nate, I’m still pissed. But I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have done the same if I thought you were with Ashley.” His brow furrowed. “But what you did at the bar was uncalled for.” He shook his head. “That song… it was just… cruel. You can’t just say you were drunk and expect her to forgive you. Honestly, seeing her reaction, I’m not sure she ever will.”
“Sure she will. She has to,” Ashley included.
She’s right. Etta has to forgive me.
Seventeen
June 17, eight years ago
Baseball season was officially over last week. Luke was throwing an end of the year party at his rich new girlfriend’s house in River Oaks. It was going to be one of those theme parties, a Hawaiian Luau, complete with dressing up, roasted pig and fruity drinks. Yeah, real baseball stuff. I really didn’t want to go. I hated theme parties. They were always stupid. Plus, after St. Patrick’s Day, I didn’t want to ever drink again.
Etta and Beth were excited about it. They went shopping yesterday and bought everyone Hawaiian shirts and leis. That sealed the deal for me. No way was I going.
The party was due to start at seven and go well into the night. At 6:55 p.m., Chris sat in the chair next to the couch as he waited for Beth and Etta to finish getting ready in her room.
“Are you really sick?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I lied. “My stomach’s been bothering me all day. I went to the movies with Etta last night. I had nachos, but I think the cheese was bad or something.” He studied my face, so I looked away. “Plus, if I go and feel worse there, all of you would have to leave. I can’t do that to y’all.”
I could feel him still staring.
“What?” I asked.
“Yeah, we saw Just Playing Around. It was a pretty good movie,” Etta said from behind me as she and Beth emerged from her room. “It was a modernized version of Midsummer Night’s Dream. Not exactly the same, but still. Oh, and the guy the main character lusted after? Friggin hot. You need to talk Chris into taking you to see it. Riley Tate is the actor’s name. His dimples alone make it totally worth the price of the ticket.”
Fucking Riley Tate. Etta tossed that name around all day. I rolled my eyes.
“You want me to take Beth to a movie just to see some hot guy?” Chris asked.
“C’mon, Chris. You’re not secure enough in your relationship to withstand a little man-meat competition? It’s not like we’ll ever meet him.” She walked around the couch and stood in front of me. “You feeling any better, Nathaniel?”
My eyes caught sight of her and my jaw dropped open. Holy shit. She looked friggin hot. Her hair was up with a huge flower pinned in it and some curly tendrils falling around her face. She was wearing makeup, not a whole lot of it, but her eyes sparkled. She had on very short shorts and a skimpy bikini top under the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, the background of which made her eyes stand out more. The flat, tanned skin of her stomach begged to be touched. Her full, tinted glossy lips beckoned to be kissed. Ugh. I wanted so badly to pull her on top of me and devour her.
“You girls about ready to go?” Chris asked.
Go? Oh yeah. The party. She was leaving. Dressed like that. To go to a party. With other guys. Half naked. Fuck.
“Are you going like that?” I snapped.
“Yeah.” She looked down, checking out her outfit. “Why? Is there something on me?”
“There is not enough on you, Etta.” I stood up. “Like not enough clothes. At least button up your shirt.”
“He he. Isn’t he cute?” She giggled and patted my face. “You think you’re my brother now, Nathaniel?”
I could feel my blood rising and my face getting hot. “No, I am most definitely NOT your brother,” I said through clenched teeth. I took a deep breath. “But that doesn’t stop me from telling you that you shouldn’t leave here with all that skin showing to go to a party with a bunch of drunk asses who won’t be able to control themselves when they see you dressed like that, Etta.”
She stared at me with wide eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Her eyes narrowed. “That sure is different than your former speech that women should dress however they want?”
“You should remember that not all guys get that message, Etta,” I spat.
/> She flinched, but the daggers she threw at me via her very stormy eyes tried their best to hit me.
“Etta, I think he’s just being protective,” Beth intervened. “Just button up your shirt to make him happy.”
“No,” Etta protested. “I’m fine the way I am.” She walked away grumbling something about Neanderthals and perpetuating rape culture. She grabbed her bag. “Let’s go.” She walked out the door, Beth close on her heels, without a second glance.
I turned to Chris and opened my mouth, but he stopped me.
“I’ll keep an eye on her, Nate.” He walked toward the door. “This wouldn’t be an issue if you stop pretending to be sick and come with us.” I sat back down on the couch and turned on the TV. “Fine. But I left a flier for the party on the coffee table, just in case you change your mind.”
Just in case I change my mind. Fat chance.
I flipped through the channels and found the Adam Sandler movie we watched at Mom’s house the night Dad died. Nope.
I flipped some more to find an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that we had watched together last week. Are you friggin kidding me?
I looked at the coffee table to see the brightly colored paper calling me, the one Chris left. No. I was not going to be drawn in.
I continued to flip, thinking back to her comment about rape culture. It was good that she wasn’t concerned about how she was dressed. It meant that she was probably over what happened to her over a year ago. However, while I was proud of her for not letting that fuck nugget rule her life, I still knew how the guys she would be around tonight would react to seeing her dressed like that. I needed a distraction from my line of thinking.
I found Rain Man. I missed almost half of it, but I hadn’t seen it in a while. No harm in that movie, right?
Wrong. Thirty minutes into watching, the scene where Tom Cruise teaches his brother how to dance came on. Song playing in the background? “At Last,” by whom? Yeah, Etta’s namesake.
I stood and paced. Was I really going to allow a string of coincidences to dictate the course of my evening?
Hell yeah I was.
