by Nicety
"You're right. It could still be wrong. But, you're a woman who knows how to keep your man happy right? Those were your words."
“Yes. Well, I can definitely show you better than I can tell you and I'm good at that.”
“Okay, then we should have no problems. I want this just as bad as you do but it’s gotta be right. You know?”
“Yes, sugar I know and it will. You’ll see.” She plopped back down on the bed seemingly disappointed.
I knew she was kicking herself in the face figuratively, wondering if there was some type of way she could have avoided this in the past. I thought about everything that she and I had ever been through, from her crying on my shoulder from past break ups to her asking me for advice about some other guy. While I sat on the sideline, longing for her touch.
It just didn’t seem to add up. Sure, I had waited countless years to show her just what she had been missing, but my life was about more than merely some cheap fuck. I didn’t have time for any more games and if she was into playing them, it was best that I knew now rather than years from now during more heartache. My phone buzzed in my pocket.
“You’re not going to answer that are you?” Ashley sat up to catch a glimpse of my caller ID.
“I don’t know. We haven’t spoken in days and now all of a sudden she’s calling me. Seems weird.”
“Here give it to me.”
“What? Woman you’re crazy.”
“No, seriously. I’m cool. Just give it to me.” She smiled staring directly into my eyes.
“What are you up to, Ms. Baker?” I stared back holding the phone up to her reach.
“There. See, now all is well.” She slid her finger across the screen hitting the ignore button.
“Really?”
“Yeah. You don’t need to deal with that bitch and her bullshit right now. You’re too busy making out with me, your future,” Ashley smirked as she slid her voluptuous body onto mine on the floor and began attacking my lips with hers.
"You're up to something woman. I know you."
"Hmm...What I'm on is trying to figure out when you're going to make me the next, Mrs. Jacobs." She scanned my facial expression reading the confused look it adorned but that did not stop her from attacking my mouth once more.
Chapter 11
Starla
Again he was not answering in his phone. It was all the confirmation I needed to believe that he was doing it on purpose. My mental was fucking with me sending me through mixed emotions about what was going on with him. I could not bear the thought of him sleeping with someone else but I knew I had no right to expect him to be faithful to me. Still, that did not keep me from getting angry at the very thought of him being in between another bitch's thighs.
Brian didn’t work out so it was natural for me to fall back on the one person who has had my back from the beginning. I lost my way at first but I am really not a bad person. Bad people have no heart and could care less about the next person. I cared for Chino even though for the last year I treated him like shit. My mind hated him but my heart still beat everyday for him. Enough to make things right with him and admit I was so wrong.
Dr. B had me waiting for damn near three hours before I was able to get into her office to speak with her. I was losing patience and sanity waiting for her to call my name. Albeit, apart of me felt like it may had been a test, to see if I was for real about getting help or not. I was. She was my only hope, my only chance at getting my life back and I was not about to jeopardize that in any way. Besides, all I could think about was her fixing my life with the snap of her fingers. Realistically, I knew it would take longer than that, but she had me sold on her expertise thinking I could get me life back in an instant.
I moved down the hall towards her office slowly, noticing how clean and well placed everything was. As I entered her private white office door, and as I looked around it shook me to gaze upon the nearly somber ambiance. I hated the walls. They were a bright white, so bright in fact that I thought I would be blinded simply by staring at them. It reminded me of a dreary hospital room.
The furniture was all old world vintage brown leather or wood oak. Most of it was adorable definitely resembling something I would buy but only one or two items or else I would be sent into a manic depressive state. She was a woman of exquisite taste, however, judging from the two hundred and fifty dollars an hour she charged she certainly could afford to be. It must have been nice to splurge as much as her heart desired. Chino would never have approved of such designs.
"Mrs. Jacobs, thank you for waiting. I hope I didn't take too long," Dr. B stated as she sat down in her Victorian style chair.
"Well it doesn't matter. I wasn't about to go anywhere else. Not today."
"Mmm hmm. So have a seat on the sofa and tell me more about why you're here today."
"Your office is very beautiful by the way. I love what you’ve got going on here." I cleared my throat stalling. "Okay, so like I said before my marriage is fucked up...oh sorry."
"Please. Continue." She wrote in her big dark black journal.
"My daughter died a year ago from leukemia she was only fifteen months old and I blamed my husband. I blamed him because his younger sister died of the same thing when she was little and he never told me until it was too late. I felt lied to and betrayed ’cause he took away my choice to have kids with him given his background." My anger began to raise merely thinking about it.
"When did he finally tell you?" She continued to write, face buried in her journal.
"When our daughter was diagnosed."
"And, you would have preferred that he told you before you got pregnant because you didn't want to have a sick child?"
"Exactly."
I stared at her, examining her mannerisms, and trying to feel her out before she dissected what I had just spoke. The doc was reading me like an open book. Her hair was cut low in a buzz cut. It complimented the pale white skin she adorned. She looked as if she needed the sun for a few hours on the beach. She wore a pair of designer frames that looked vintage as well, although they were specially designed for her eyes. Dr. B was also a bit on the heavy side standing no taller than me but dressed like a plus sized model from a Nordstrom's magazine. Staring down at her heels was like watching shoe porn, dark Manolo Blahnik’s.
"So what makes you think that your child wouldn't have gotten sick otherwise? Do you know the background of your family's medical history?" She looked up at me after a long silence from writing extensively in her journal.
"No, it’s difficult for me to find that out, I don’t know who my real family is. I'm an orphan."
"I see." She scribbled some more before looking up at me. "So you have no way of knowing if it runs in your family or not?"
"Well...no." It was the first time I was forced to think in that light.
"I see. Okay, tell me about your marriage before the death of your daughter."
"It was perfect. We had fun most days and rarely argued. We fucked like rabbits and I'd be damned if it wasn't good. At least then it was good. We were like best friends. In the end, it became dry then nonexistent." I pined for the moments of yesteryear.
"When you fuck your husband, describe a feeling that crosses your mind and body." The word flew out of her mouth with ease setting a comfortable tone for the overall session.
"Sheesh. Um, it’s hard to explain something like that to you."
"Starla, we are grown women and should be open to talk about these kinds of things. That is why you're here, isn't it?" She asked.
“I guess so. Well I suppose that feeling used to be euphoria. But, since we haven’t had sex in over a year, I would say that there is no feeling, empty, hollow. Now Brian on the other hand—“
“And, who is Brian?”
“He is a man that I met one day at a bar last year. He can fuck like nobody’s business. He licks my pussy like he crawled across the Sahara Desert and found water in it. But, I had to let him go today.”
“Continue.
”
“Dr. B, let me say this to you before I continue, I am not an insecure woman. I am not a woman who allows her man to beat up on her and go crawling right back to him like I need him, ’cause I don’t need any man really. Nonetheless, Brian hit me one time and then it kept going on with it for a few days more, each time I saw him until today. He was getting comfortable with it, continuing to do it for virtually no reason at all. I just left him a few hours ago and I refuse to go back. I’m out and I want my husband and life back to normal.” I lowered my head, waiting on her to shame me.
"You're one of the lucky ones. You made a smart move by getting out in the beginning of the abuse, Mrs. Jacobs."
"I hated to leave because the sex was the bomb but it wasn't worth it. He had me doing things that I never want to conceive of doing again, things that I never thought I’d do in the first place. I just want my life to be normal again. I want to forgive and love my husband and have him do the same for me. I never want to be out of control of my feelings again. I think after my daughter’s death, I fucked up by not dealing with my emotions. So I looked for someone to take my mind off of the reality."
“Honey, I’m going to be honest with you. Nothing will ever be simply normal. But, you can learn ways to cope and deal with your pain versus run and hide behind another man’s dick.” She shifted her weight in her chair before removing her expensive glasses. “Tell me more about this Brian.”
“Shit, he fucked me so hard sometimes my uterus felt like it was going to explode from the inside out. Sometimes he would even choke me, until I begged for air while he was fucking me. It was the ultimate rush.”
The smile on my face was particularly uncanny. Dr. B sat there staring at me with her eyes piercing through mine, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I totally understood why she was doing that. Given her profession, I would have guessed that she had heard it all before. It took her a minute to collect herself, before zealously jotting something down in her journal. The scratching of her ballpoint pen ruined my nerve, like she was etching something in my skin. Even though I was a little irritated by the sound, it was in part due to my needing another smoke.
“So you used him, Brian, to inflict the pain on you that you couldn’t inflict upon yourself once your daughter died. You pushed your husband away because instead of giving you that pain he wanted to make love to you and after a year you’re still having trouble processing the death of your daughter,” Dr. B said biting on the top of her pen. "Does that sound about right?"
“If that’s what you gathered then I guess that’s what it is doc.” I shrugged.
"Are you in love with Brian, Mrs. Jacobs?"
"I thought I was but I was wrong. I think it was only lust. It was all too confusing since all we did was fuck."
“What changed your mind?” She asked.
“I…I can’t.”
“Mrs. Jacobs, you do remember our talk in the beginning. If you are not going to be honest and fully disclose your issues, I can’t help you.”
“But, it’s something so vile—“
“Don’t worry about being embarrassed. I’m a doctor. There’s nothing that you can say that will send me into shock.”
I hesitated. “Well, like I said before, he beats me. He really only does it when I won’t do the sexual things he wants me to do like sleep with another woman. He brought this girl into our mix and I had to fuck her too. It was the ickiest pleasure I’ve ever endured. I’m saying, I’m not gay or anything but I like what she was doing to me. After awhile it didn’t seem bad. But once I had to return the favor I felt sick to my stomach. But, Brian doesn’t like when I show that I don’t like it so I would have to pretend it was fun or he’d beat me some more. I can’t make him stop. How does a man go from totally sweet to gut wrenching evil?”
“What makes anybody go from one thing to another? That might be what your husband is asking himself everyday about you,” Dr. B said, as she handed me a Kleenex for my tears.
My head shot up in disbelief. “Oh my God.”
“Sometimes we don’t see the big picture until someone, whose opinion is not bias, tells us. So is that how you got those bangs on your face there?” The doc spoke as she scribbled some more.
“Yeah,” I replied, wiping my nose while gently patting my bruised cheek.
“Well, what excuses did you tell your husband about them?”
“Doc, I can’t let him see me…I just can’t let him see me like this,” I responded, distraught by the thought.
“Hmm, I see. So I only have one question left for this consultation. Why are you so fidgety?”
“Oh, uh—“
“Know that if you begin our relationship with lies our time together will be over more quickly than it began, Mrs. Jacobs.” Dr. B clicked her pen.
“Shit. Dr. B, I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of free basing drug addict or something and stick me in a rehab joint ruining my life. I can’t go to one of those places. I just can’t!” My hand seemed to be digging a ditch in my arm.
“Starla, I need you to calm down and pull yourself together. Stop getting anxious and just tell me what’s wrong with you. Tell me what you are on so that I may help you?”
I took a deep breath closing my eyes to exhale before opening again. “I’ll tell you only if I can trust you not to lock me away somewhere. I can’t be locked away, doc.”
“Now as a doctor, I can’t promise you anything. All I can say is that I will surely get you the help that you need.” Her hands were up in a surrender pose as she began moving closer to me gradually.
“It’s all Brian’s fault. You should know that it is all his fault. I swear.”
I wanted to cry again, but I fought them instead. Something told me she would never believe that a woman of my caliber would allow some low budget asshole to not only beat on her but also get her hooked on drugs. My fidgeting rested but the pain only increased in my chest and in my stomach. I was suffering and the only thing that could calm me down was a smoke. I slowed my knee from its bouncing motion once Dr. B moved over to me on the couch and put her hand on it rubbing my back gently. This was it. I was going away for my sad addiction.
“I’ve been smoking primos with him for the past couple of weeks. This feeling its all so new and I can’t seem to shake it. I never wanted to do it but he said…he said…” Tears began to flow anyway.
“Okay. Okay we can deal with this. See now was that so hard to tell me? I can work with this. I have a doctor friend who owes me a solid and because you’re still fairly new to the drug you’ll be weaned off in no time flat.” She smiled.
“Really? Oh my God! That would be a miracle. How many days do you think?” My tears stopped almost immediately.
“Oh, maybe a few days tops.”
“There is one catch though,” she spoke as she went over to her desk picking up the phone and flipping through her Rolodex. “You might have to remain at his facility for those days. Don’t worry about clothes or anything. They’ll give you two grey jogging suits and some disposable underwear.”
“Huh? But, I thought I wasn’t going away anywhere? Dr. B, please don’t lock me up. I'm not crazy and I'm not an addict either. I just got caught up—”
“Calm down, Starla. In order to get help sometimes you have to do the uncomfortable. You are a beautiful young lady but no one is going to see past your drug addicted disheveled look. So it’s your call. You can choose to sit there and wait on the van to come pick you up to go to the facility downtown and very discreet or you can leave. No one is stopping you, Hun. The door is right there.”
Her point was made. There was no one stopping me and just as I had walked in that door I could sure as hell walk out of it with no complications. But, I would not be getting the help that I deserved and she would surely not take me back. I could not face Chino looking like dog shit and I would be damned if I went crawling back to Brian ever again. Dr. B was my only salvation. She demanded complete trust and that was something I did
not know that I was ready to give her.
“Make the call doc,” I exhaled.
As she continued on with her phone call, she spoke to her doctor friend casually before speaking about me. I overheard her say two days and I prayed like hell that it was the length of my stay. Two days I could do with my eyes closed. That meant it would be Wednesday afternoon when I would be released and she could continue to help me while I was inside. I needed her to give me enough strength to talk to Chino and tell him that I wanted this marriage to work before it was too late.
“Okay, everything is set. You will be spending two days at his facility while he administers a few shots that will wean you off the drug so well that you won’t even know you were on it. Or, anyone else for that matter.”
“And, what about you? When will I see you again doc?"
"I will come have a session with you tomorrow to go over everything we talked about today with you sober. But, after that just come back to me the day after he releases you. I’m going to research a few things but I believe we won’t be together very long for sessions. Your issue is a really quick one to fix.”
“You think so?” I was totally confused.
“Yes. But, for our second to last session, and I’ll let you know when that is, I’m going to need your husband in here with us. So you’re going to have to tell him at some point that you are seeing me.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll figure something out.”
“Good. The van should be here in a few minutes so why don’t you go and wait out in the lobby,” she said as I rose from my seat. “Oh, and Starla, stay away from toxic situations. Understand?”
“Yes, ma’am.” I walked out feeling as though I was just scolded by the mother I never had.
Chapter 12
Chino
2 weeks later- Friday
Fridays sucked hard. No one ever wanted to work especially the secretaries with their lame ass excuses when they called off. The firm was damn near vacant. From my desk, I stared out my door gazing out onto the desk where my wife worked wishing she were still there. Ashley was a great substitute and kept a smile on my face but it was not the same. I thought time would make it all better and being with Ashley would help ease things. Yet, it only made my heart grow fonder for Starla.
