by R. Cayden
“I missed it,” I laughed.
“It’s two to zero now. You better catch up.”
“Oh, it’s a competition?”
“And you’re getting your ass beat by an amateur. I didn’t even know where to look five minutes ago.”
I laughed, then stretched back in the chair. “All right,” I said, swirling my wine in the glass. “Game on.”
“Writing a book, huh? I don’t think I could ever do that.”
“I’m not sure if I can either,” I laughed.
“Can I read some of it?”
A panicked chill went down my spine, but I kept my eyes to the sky. “Um, I’m not sure it’s ready for an audience yet.”
“No problem. Although you get free drum solos anytime you want,” he teased.
I crossed my legs at the ankle. “Now that’s something I could never do. Going on a stage to play music, I mean. The pressure of performing in front of other people would destroy me.”
“I usually play smaller venues, bars and little shows. The audience never stresses me out. As soon as I start drumming, we’re all riding the same music. It feels good.”
I smiled, pleased by the idea—and by the image of Cass drumming and pumping his arms and dripping sweat that jumped to mind. “That sounds nice.”
“It is,” he chuckled.
For a brief second, I turned my eyes back to Cass. His legs were still spread wide, and he had stretched one arm over the back of the chair as he gazed upward. The light of the house cast him in partial shadows, but I could see the line of his brow and the curve of his lips.
And I could see the shadow of the person he was when we walked the hallways together in high school. Back then, when I’d see him across the cafeteria or in the parking lot after the last bell, he always looked a little sad and a little troubled. And still that night, I thought I saw a touch of that behind his eyes, some deeper part of him.
God, it would feel amazing to be with him. Not just sitting together, although that felt so good I could barely handle it. But to curl up in his lap and run my fingers along the scrape of his stubble. To actually be with Cass and to have him desire me the way I needed him—I couldn’t imagine wanting anything more than I wanted that, my crush just as achingly strong as it had ever been.
“Another one!” he declared with a laugh, and when I jerked my head up, I caught the last flaring light of the meteor’s tail, streaking the sky.
“Damn it!” I never expected to lose a game by failing to stare at the sky enough. “All right, I’m ready for a comeback.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Cass was now looking at me. His gaze felt like a warm touch across my skin, and my breath caught as that warmth poured through me.
And that night, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety. I wasn’t desperate for him to stop looking. Instead, I just enjoyed the satisfaction of it, knowing that he was seeing me just the same as I was seeing him a moment earlier.
“Meteor!” I said and pointed straight to the flash of light.
Then Cass turned his face upward, and together, we watched the Lyrids.
Chapter Six
Cass
The cranky old lawnmower rattled as I navigated around a stump, then pushed it up the incline toward the house. I had dragged it back by the studio, then decided I might as well finish off the rest of the lawn before the rains came and it got out of hand.
Earbuds blasted an old Bad Brains album over the roar of the machine, and I rode the escalating rhythms as the warm, humid air clung to my skin. It had been a few days since Shawn and I watched the meteor shower together, and since then, we’d been a lot more familiar with each other around the house. He kept odd hours and slept in late, but we still ended up eating dinner together every night and working together to get the chores done.
Just like I expected, it was easy to spend time with him. Shawn was gentle, and it sometimes took a bit to get him talking. But once he was excited, he would bounce around in a way that warmed me up. He had this habit of waving his hands around and twisting his face up that was totally adorable.
I spun the lawnmower, my hand sweaty on the grip, and pushed it back in the other direction. Adorable wasn’t a word I usually used for other men, but it was the only one I could think of for Shawn.
What it meant for me to think he was so nice to look at, though, I hadn’t really figured out yet. When I jerked off in my room the last few mornings, he’d come to mind, just like he had that day in the shower. I wasn’t sure if it was self-fulfilling prophecy or whatever. Because he popped into my imagination once, now I was subconsciously thinking about him every time I started grinding my fist down my cock.
The lawnmower sputtered, and I stopped to yank the cord until it roared back to life, high-energy punk beats still rattling in my ears. I pushed my sweaty hair back, then returned to the task, clippings flying behind me.
Whatever the reason, I hadn’t exactly fought the fantasies off. My hand slick with lube, I’d spent plenty of time thinking about Shawn and imagining how his body would feel in my hands or how soft his lips would be if he dragged them up and down my cock. I was surprised by how natural the fantasies felt, and most mornings, I let them wash over me without really stressing it.
At least it was something new, a distraction from the life I’d left behind. Everyone back in Nashville would be celebrating Twice Shattered that week and sending them off with a bang, but I hadn’t even gotten a phone call from the band. I could never bring myself to do something once I decided it wasn’t right for me anyway, but seeing how little I meant to them still sucked.
So I decided maybe I’d let myself have a little harmless fun, thinking about Shawn. The fact that it felt like it was against the rules only made it hotter, like I was indulging something that had been forbidden.
The night of the meteor shower, he took the time to show me a few things through the telescope before we went to bed. I said I was surprised that stars could be blue, and he’d shown me all these different colored stars, red and orange and gold, all burning in the sky. Hanging out with Shawn felt kind of like that to me, like he was revealing a part of the world I hadn’t seen before.
Like could you imagine if the sun were blue?
It was a fuck of a lot more fun to think about than the amount of money I was losing, not going on tour with Twice Shattered.
I finished off the lawn as the sun beat down on me, then pushed the mower back into the garage where I had found it. When I turned, Shawn was standing at the entrance, a big glass in his hand.
I pulled the earbuds out. “Hey.” I greeted him with a nod.
He extended the glass. “I remembered that you liked the lemonade the other day and wanted to say thanks for doing the lawn.”
I wiped my forehead with the back of my arm, then accepted the glass. “Thanks.” I took a deep, satisfying gulp, and just like last time, it hit the spot. “And no problem. I like doing yardwork.”
Shawn nodded as we lingered close to each other. I had a little more to do on the studio before dark, but I wasn’t in any hurry to get back there. “How’s your writing going today?”
“It’s all right. I’m just getting started.”
“Right, you’re a night owl,” I said. “I usually am, too, back in the city.”
“That’s me,” he said with a funny laugh. “Up all night.” He turned slightly, like he was going to walk back in the house, then paused. “Hey, I thought I’d mention it’s the last night of the Lyrids tonight. Would you want to watch it with me again? I thought I’d make my grandma’s tomato pie recipe to celebrate.”
I reached out and grabbed his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Shawn, man, I’m never going to say no to a good tomato pie.” The pleasure of touching him sent a jolt up my arm, and our eyes caught as we stood there.
“Great,” he said softly. “I’m glad.”
I released him, then stepped back slightly. Suddenly, I felt a little dizzy from the heat and exertion of mowing the
lawn. When my phone buzzed in my back pocket, though, I snapped out of it. “Oh hey,” I said, pulling it out. “Leo. You want to say hi?”
Shawn rolled his eyes. “Tell him he owes me a proper phone call, and soon!”
I chuckled. “I will.”
Shawn took my glass, and I noticed that his cheeks were pink, which did a funny thing to my gut. “See you later, Cass,” he said as he parted.
I walked out to the lawn. “Leo, what’s up?”
“Thought I should check in. How are things in Kentucky? Everything working out with the studio?” In the background, I could hear the sounds of his office
“No surprises with the studio,” I said. “I might try to steal your little brother, though.”
Leo laughed. “Shawn’s the best. Now we just have to find you a local girlfriend, and you’ll be all set for the summer.”
I snorted. “I don’t know about that.” I picked some grass, then flung it toward some of the oaks and maples that grew at the edge of the lawn. “I found out Twice Shattered signed a contract with a major label. A big contract. The kind that comes with a fat paycheck.”
“Shit,” Leo groaned. “Can you join again? If you need to ditch the studio remodel, that’s fine. I can get a replacement.”
I gritted my teeth. It was the one big difference between Leo and me. Once we got tired of getting into trouble as teenagers, he dealt with life by throwing himself into his work. He thought his success made him worthwhile as a person. I was happy for him, but I didn’t want that kind of life for myself. I wasn’t trying to be a bigshot or a billionaire. I was just happy doing my thing.
“I’m chill,” I said. “They won’t even sound like Twice Shattered after the label gets ahold of them.”
“And their bank accounts won’t look the same either. Why don’t you hit the bar in town man, maybe even find yourself someone pretty for the night? I know you’ll roll with the punches, but it can’t hurt to clear your head after something like that.”
“I’m just going to hang here. Shawn is showing me some stuff with his telescope, and I’m enjoying the quiet.”
“I guess that works.” Leo chuckled, and I heard a phone ringing in the background. “Just don’t get so horny out there that you fuck my brother.”
I tensed, then tore another handful of grass from the dirt. “What does that mean?”
“Chill, Cass. It’s a joke. I know you’re not going to hook up with Shawn. You might have made out with that dude at a party once, but I’ve known you as long as anyone. You’re straight.”
I sucked on my front teeth, way more annoyed by his comments than I should have been. “That doesn’t mean you can tell me who to hook up with.”
Leo whistled. “Okay, okay. Lighten up. I didn’t mean to boss you around.” He laughed. “Fuck, that would be weird, though. That is not a relationship I would approve of.”
I grunted under my breath, eager for him to shut up. “Anything else, Leo? Or did you want to pre-judge my sex life a little more before we go?”
“I think that’s good for today. Catch you soon, Cass.”
I shoved my phone back in my pocket, anger bubbling up inside of me. What the hell business was it of his anyway what me or Shawn did? We were out in the woods alone for the summer to get some peace and quiet, and we didn’t need Leo butting his nose in our business.
I kicked at the grass clippings as I made my way back to the studio, little bugs buzzing around me. If I were actually interested in a man, I was pretty sure Leo would just support me, the same way I had stuck by him when he came out in high school. As I grabbed the can of primer at the studio and started stirring the paint, though, I realized what really bothered me about it.
Leo must not have thought I was good enough for his brother. Shawn was smart as all hell, and he was going to have a bright life ahead of him, just like Leo was crushing it with his new business. Was he always just going to see me as some loser without a future?
Was that how everyone was going to see me? My best friend, my old bandmates, my parents, Monica.
I shook my head. At least Shawn wasn’t going to turn on me. He never pressed when I changed the subject away from the band. He just let me be and seemed to like me fine the way I was.
“God damn it,” I grunted.
I’d gotten out of the city, but I couldn’t get away from my life.
Chapter Seven
Shawn
The week after the meteor shower ended, I thought I’d finally hit my routine. I slept in as late as I could, busied myself with chores in the afternoon, and then shared a dinner with Cass, pretending the whole time that I wasn’t still desperately crushing on him. Sometimes, we’d split after that, and I’d get in some good hours of writing and stargazing.
Other times, he’d ask to come outside with me. We’d talk and look through the telescope. He’d drink a beer, and I’d spend the rest of the night with my heart fluttering up against my ribs and my cheeks aching from smiling.
Totally routine stuff. Sure, it was kind of painful, how much I liked him. He licked his lips one time, and I thought about it for two days after.
It almost hurt that I couldn’t run my hand through his hair or curl up under his arm. But it was a good hurt, like I felt so warm and tingly inside, I was coming apart at the seams.
As I answered some emails on my laptop at the dining room table one afternoon, I suddenly noticed that the house was quiet. Cass had stopped drumming, and I could hear the sounds of the forest again as a hawk called out and the wind rustled through the tree branches. Usually, he spent the afternoon going back and forth between drumming and remodeling the studio, but as the minutes ticked by, the house remained quiet.
It was funny, but all of a sudden, the silence was making me anxious. Although Cass hadn’t been in Kentucky for long, I was already adjusting to the constant buzz of his presence, like we were working together in some small way. It comforted me, the same way being around him steadied my nervous habits.
When I finished answering emails, I slipped on my sneakers and wandered back toward the studio. He’d mentioned I should come and check out his work a few times, but I usually felt hesitant to interrupt. We kind of had our own bubbles, and even though Cass seemed to enjoy my company, I assumed he liked his privacy just as much. He had always been kind of a loner, after all, and like me, he had expected to spend the summer by himself.
At least Leo had finally called to apologize about that properly. And once he told me the latest with his business, I could understand how he got so distracted.
Plus, Cass being around hardly seemed like a burden anymore.
The sun beating down, I rounded the corner in the hillside that led to the studio, nervous and excited to see what he was up to. He probably had his shirt off and sweat gleaming down the firm muscles of his shoulders to the small of his back and the top of his boxers, always sticking out of his shorts. I thought I might even work up the nerve to ask him to drum for me like he’d offered. After days of listening to the steady beat of his solos, I craved seeing him at his drum set and studying the way his body moved to summon that entrancing, rhythmic sound.
I stepped down the path, turned into the clearing, and froze in place. Cass was sitting on the edge of the porch, facing the scenic hillside away from me. His legs were spread, and he leaned back on one hand. His body blocked me from seeing the rest of him, but as I watched, his shoulder bounced, and his arm pumped.
Cass was masturbating. Was that really what was happening, or was I so deliriously horny I was just hallucinating?
Needy and overwhelmed just by looking at him, I stood there with my breath caught behind my ribs. Anxiety froze me in place, while at the same time it told me to run away, to escape before he caught me. But still, my eyes were fixed on his bicep, glistening under the sun as his muscles pumped, thick and firm.
Cass turned. He leaned back further as he spread his legs wide, and a deep grunt escaped his lips. Suddenly, he was fully exposed to my view.
His fist pumped at his cock, thick in his hand. From my spot in the distance, I could see the tuft of dark hair at his base and the meaty muscles of his thighs. His sack hung over the waistband of his boxers, which were shoved down, and his perfect face was twisted, almost pained.
Desire flooded my body, and my cock twitched to attention. And then Cass opened his eyes and looked straight in my direction.
I yelped and stumbled backward, but not before I saw his release. A thick white spray shot up against his abs, and Cass threw his head back with another grunt. I nearly stumbled to the ground but caught myself on a tree. Before I could think about anything else, I was back toward the house, fast-walking as my heart thudded in my chest with panic.
Fuck. Fuck! That was really, really not good.
Did Cass see me? I thought he must have, but then he turned away. If he did see me, he would think I was a pervert, spying on him from the trees.
And I was! It was totally inappropriate for me to stay there. I couldn’t have watched for more than ten or fifteen seconds, but it might as well have been an eternity. I was a creep, salivating over a straight guy. It made me sick to my stomach, and when I got back to the house, I ran upstairs to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me.
As soon as I hit the mattress, the tears came. I had humiliated myself in front of Cass. He’d shown me real friendship, just like when we were young, and I’d turned around and disrespected him. There was something wrong with me to be so hung up on a high school crush. Why hadn’t I ever fallen for someone appropriate, a gay guy who was geeky like me, someone I met in classes or at the library? Was I going to spend the rest of my life pining after this one man, only ever getting close enough to scare him away?
I let myself wallow for a while. I curled up under the sheet, the fan blowing a cool breeze across me, and put on an old episode of Nova, one of my comfort shows. I even tried calling Audrey, although she didn’t pick up.
