by R. Cayden
I tapped my ear. “You know enough.”
Suddenly, none of my old worries seemed to matter anymore. I knew I had made the right choice in leaving. I might still have needed to figure out my future, but hearing Twice Shattered play the kind of music I despised, it felt possible to finally leave the past behind.
Fuck, did it feel good. Pride surged through me that I had pulled off a nice weekend away from Kentucky with Shawn. For once in my life, everything seemed like it was actually moving in the right direction.
I threw back the rest of my beer, then nodded up to the stage. “Come on.”
“Up front?” Shawn asked. “But you just said you hated them.”
“I do,” I said. “But I still want to see how cute you look dancing at a metal show. You up for it, Audrey?”
Audrey grinned and threw back the rest of her beer. “Hell yeah.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Shawn
If Cass was trying to make me crushed out on him all over again, he was doing a damn good job.
Jumping around in the pit together, he kept grabbing my hands and swinging my arms and bumping his hip against mine as he thrashed back and forth. His hair flew from side to side, and his muscles popped as he pumped his fist. Beside us, Audrey laughed and danced along. She jerked her elbows and swung her dress, kicking her feet to the music.
Sure, I could tell the song actually sucked. After spending a couple months listening to Cass’s favorite bands, it wasn’t hard to discern the difference. But it was still just as much fun to dance to it with those two, and a thrill shot across my skin every time Cass touched me in front of the crowd.
Dripping sweat, I bounced around next to him, then threw my arms around his shoulders as I caught my breath. On the trip to Atlanta, he’d been acting even more affectionate with me than he did in Kentucky, which was a pleasant surprise. And the way other people looked at Cass in that bar, sizing him up when they walked by, I felt safe knowing I was with him. Women and men both checked Cass out, but his eyes were always on me, drinking me in while I danced.
I never felt like I fit in most places, and I knew I was still out of my comfort zone at the Twice Shattered show. But with Cass vouching for me, it was like I’d been given some sort of pass.
It felt embarrassing to admit, kind of childish, but I felt cool. It wasn’t something I was used to, but I tried to hold on to the feeling anyway, my confidence rising as the heavy drumbeats shook me to the core.
Everyone should get to feel cool sometimes, I figured.
Cass pushed his sweaty hair out of his face as the song ended with a cymbal clash. “How you both doing?” he asked in the silence.
Audrey caught her breath, sweaty and grinning. “Good. I need to use the bathroom, though.”
Cass nodded. “I’ll grab us some waters. You want to keep your friend company, Shawn?” He nodded across the bar. “The line isn’t short.”
“Sure,” I answered, adjusting my glasses. “Meet you back here.”
Cass pressed a quick kiss to my cheek before my walked away. The scrape of his stubble left me weak-kneed. As we walked through the crowd, Audrey grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight.
“Looks like your drummer man is pretty sweet on you. You didn’t tell me he was all cute like that.”
I squeezed her hand back. “He’s not shy, but I’m definitely surprised. Especially at the show. I kind of thought he’d touch me less in front of his old band.” We stepped around a crowd of women in leather vests and denim. “I guess I should learn that Cass means it when he says he doesn’t care what other people think of him.”
“There’s no doubt what you mean to him, though.”
We arrived at the line. People were shoulder to shoulder against a brick wall, and I kicked my sneaker back as I leaned in to talk in Audrey’s ear. “What do you mean?”
Audrey turned to face my ear, speaking loudly over the music. “He’s totally taken with you, Shawn. He stares at you with this dopey look on his face all the time, and whenever I ask him a question about himself, he ends up talking about you.”
“Does he?” Audrey shot me an exasperated look, and I laughed and shook my head. “It’s not like that, though. We’re just hooking up for the summer, that’s all. It can’t be anything more than that.”
“Why the hell not?” she shouted over the music. “Because he used to be straight? Because you’re supposedly so different from each other?”
“No, it’s just…” I trailed off. Why couldn’t it be anything more than that? Cass didn’t seem hung up on any of those things, so why should I be?
Audrey grabbed my chin, then turned me to the bar. “Look at him,” she said. “And tell me you don’t feel the same way about Cass as he obviously feels about you.”
With Audrey’s fingers on my face, I stared at the bar. Cass was leaning up at the counter, his face visible in profile. I watched a slow, easy smile curl up the corners of his lips as he watched the band. It was a smile I had memorized years ago, but I knew it even better now. I knew the sharp lines of his jaw, the cut of his brow, the curve of his nose. I knew the sound he made when I kissed at his neck and the taste of his sweat, musky and sweet on my lips.
Cass turned and looked our way, obviously checking on us. When his eyes landed on mine, he lit up, his smile growing wider as he nodded his head back.
My heart jumped into my throat. The blaring, noisy music was suddenly quiet, like I had entered into a strange vacuum. Everything disappeared except for Cass, looking at me just the way Audrey had described.
“Oh my god,” I said, my hand back on the cool brick wall. “Audrey, I’m in love with Cass.”
Audrey squealed as we shifted forward with the line. “You are?”
I took my glasses off, rubbed the bridge of my nose, then put them back on. It was a lot to take in, more than I could really process with the band thrashing and sweaty strangers bumping into me as they walked by, but I knew it was true. What had started as a fantasy crush had grown into something much bigger, and no part of me doubted that Cass was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
“Wow,” I said with a shaky breath. “I really am.”
My cheeks warm, butterflies tickled me from the inside. I was in love. Without a single doubt, I had fallen in love with Cass. And standing in that noisy bar, it seemed possible that he was in love with me, too.
Not only possible, it seemed true. What else could explain the way he was so sweet with me, not just that summer, but all those years ago, too? Cass had always cared for me in a way that no one else had. He’d always been the one there for me, no matter if it made sense to other people or not.
“Go on, then,” Audrey said, shifting another step toward the bathroom. “Tell him how you feel! Go give him a kiss.”
I shook my head quickly. “Not here,” I said. “He still has to hang out with the band after the show.” I let out another shaky breath, still rocked by the revelation. “I need to process this a little first. I don’t even know if he’s open to a relationship or what I’d want from him in the long run.” The questions started to swirl through my brain, stressing me out.
Audrey squeezed my arm. “Take a deep breath and don’t let me or anyone else rush you. I’m just really happy for you, Shawn. Cass is a great guy. I was a little skeptical when you told me about him at first. I thought he might be using you to experiment with his sexuality. But when you’re around him, you’re calm and happy in a way I’ve never seen you before.”
I laughed. “He does make me happy.”
“Believe me, I remember all the details. Anyone who likes to give you that many orgasms is definite boyfriend material.” We reached the front of the line, and a second later, the door to one of the single stall bathrooms swung open. “Now go on,” Audrey said, pausing as she held the door. “Even if you don’t tell him how you feel tonight, there’s no reason you can’t go love up on your guy now.”
I took a deep breath and composed myself, then
turned back to the bar. I lost sight of Cass as I pushed my way through the crowd, the band still blaring and the drums reverberating my gut. When I emerged on the other side, I stopped in my tracks.
Cass leaned back on the bar with his elbows. Standing very close to him was a woman with bright purple hair that flowed down beneath her shoulders. She wore a red leather skirt and torn concert T-shirt, and the tattoos circling her biceps were in the same style as his.
The woman threw back her head with a laugh, then trailed her hand down Cass’s chest. My heart seized. I remembered the fan who had hit on him in Louisville and reminded myself that he had turned her down, then walked straight over to me for our first kiss.
This shouldn’t be any different, but somehow, I just knew that it was. Cass wasn’t turning away or deferring. He stared her straight in the eye, and with her hand still on his chest, a strange look came over his face. He looked sad and hurt at the same time, a pain in his expression that made me want to run forward. But when the woman pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear, he laughed softly and shook his head.
I felt like I was having a heart attack. Pain kicked behind my ribs, and for the second time that evening, the world seemed to grow quiet around me. I told myself that Cass would never cheat on me, but did that even matter? We hadn’t made any sort of commitment to each other, not really. And standing at the bar with a woman like her, Cass looked so much more natural than he did jumping around with me on the dance floor five minutes earlier.
I stumbled backward and almost knocked over a chair. What the hell was wrong with me? I was about to rush ahead and tell him that I loved him like some confused nerd.
But I was the stranger in Cass’s world, and I suddenly had no idea where I belonged.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cass
I turned around from the bar, still grinning about how much fun I’d been having. It had only taken a song or two for Shawn and Audrey to get comfortable throwing their bodies around to the music, and when they did, my old reservations dissolved. I felt like I was a teenager again, hitting up my first shows. Catching Shawn in my arms and pumping my fist with Audrey, I didn’t even give a shit that Twice Shattered’s new music sucked ass. It was just fun to be there with them.
“Holy shit, Cass.”
I turned, startled by the familiar voice. “Monica,” I said. “Nice purple hair.”
She tilted her head to model it. “Thanks. I wanted a makeover after our breakup.” She nodded to the bartender and held a finger in the air to order another drink. “Didn’t think I’d see you here.”
I leaned back, hitching my elbows up on the counter. Unlike when I had talked to her on the phone last, I wasn’t slammed by a wall of emotions. Maybe the weekend with Shawn had something to do with it because I knew I wasn’t having fun like that with Monica when we were still together. Instead, seeing her felt like seeing the band, confirmation that I had made the right choice. “I happened to be in town. Thought I might as well check out the new sound. How about you? What brings you to Atlanta?”
“June broke up with her boyfriend. Asked me to come along and keep her company so she wasn’t stuck with the guys all weekend.” She shook her head slowly, sizing me up a bit. “You going to come backstage, hang out with the gang? There’s supposed to be an afterparty at some mansion.”
I nodded to the guitarist. “I texted Mario. He invited me back to say hi. Guess he didn’t tell June, though.”
“You know how it is when these bands sign a new contract. The label has them both so busy with promotion, I don’t think they have any time to think.” She pulled back her lips slightly in a wince. “Sorry. We don’t need to talk about that.”
I grumbled under my breath, surprised and also not surprised that she still thought I had hurt feelings. Couldn’t she hear the band, blasting their crappy new songs from the stage right that moment?
“It’s fine. I’m happy for the band.”
The bartender slid a shot glass down the bar, which Monica immediately tossed back. “I know they’ll be happy to see you when you come back. And honestly, Cass, I don’t care what anyone in Nashville says. I know that you weren’t kicked out.”
I titled my head to the side. “Excuse me?”
“It’s so stupid, but you know how people talk. Somehow the rumor got going that Twice Shattered kicked you out. I heard from a few different people, first that the label had told them you didn’t have the chops, and then that Mario and June had gotten tired of you going offbeat.”
I stared at Monica, my jaw hanging open. “What?” I shouted into the noise. “That’s not fucking true, Monica.”
“I know it isn’t!” she said quickly, resting her hand on my chest. “After I heard it a few times, I even checked with June, just to make sure there wasn’t more of the story I was missing.”
I snorted. “Thanks,” I replied sarcastically. On the stage, the band finished their set, but the roar of the cheering crowd and crashing cymbals sounded like they were in a different world.
Monica laughed, then pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, an old gesture that was clearly meant to comfort me. “Come on, Cass. I know you’re an amazing drummer. Don’t act like that. And I swear, anytime that nasty rumor comes up, I’ll put it down.”
I shook my head. “Thanks, I guess.” My drumming should speak for itself, but I knew better than that. If rumor was going around town that I had stood between Twice Shattered and success, the other bands were going to see me as toxic. I’d spent years building my reputation, but it had apparently turned to shit overnight. My chances of connecting with a good band back in Nashville were shot, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Fuck,” I groaned.
Monica pressed her palm against my chest for just a second, then pulled it away. It felt kind, not loaded with meaning or innuendo, just recognition for what I had lost.
“Sorry to tell you the bad news, Cass. I had figured it got to you already.”
“I’ve been keeping my head down.”
“Hey, don’t let it stop you from coming out tonight. Everyone would still love to catch up.” She set her shot glass on the bar. “Me too, of course.”
“We’ll see,” I answered. “I’ve got a long drive in the morning. But hey, if I don’t make it, tell June and Mario that I came through, and congratulations on the album.”
“You go your own way, Cass. I get it.” Monica turned, then headed back toward the stage. “Just send me a text sometimes, okay?” she called over her shoulder.
I nodded that I would, then sighed as she disappeared. It wasn’t only frustrating to hear about the gossip in Nashville; it was humiliating, too. For Twice Shattered to go on with such crappy songs while I got left in the dust, like I wasn’t good enough for them?
And fuck, after feeling so good all weekend, too. I shoved the thoughts aside the best I could, then grabbed the waters for Shawn and Audrey. Before I could spot them in the dispersing crowd, though, I noticed there was a clear shot up to the stage, where Mario and June were still lingering. An instinct grabbed me, and I charged straight there, hopeful they might help me dispel the awful feeling Monica had left me with.
“Hey, Mario, June,” I called from my spot on the floor. A few fans were lingering there, extending albums and posters for a signature.
Mario turned my way, sweat glistening on his buzzed head. “Cass, what up? You made it.”
June nodded to me with a smile, then turned back to signing posters.
“Glad I caught the set,” I said, hollering up to him. “I just saw Monica, too.”
Someone rushed out from backstage and grabbed Mario, muttering into his ear. I turned my gaze to June, who was engrossed with the fans. For a minute, I stood there, ignored by both of them.
Fuck, it was humiliating. In just one short summer, I’d gone from an essential part of the band to some forgotten failure, clawing for attention with twenty-year-old fans.
Finally, after staring up and watch
ing them ignore me for a few minutes, I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned away. I didn’t need that shit. They might have been busy as hell, but I put in years building their reputation and getting them to the place where they could cash out like they were. They couldn’t even bother to pay attention to me, let alone to put down the nasty rumors circulating in Nashville, and it crushed my spirit to get tossed aside like that.
I pushed my way back through the crowd, my shoulders tight with frustration, until I found Shawn and Audrey. My heart softened a little when I spotted his smile, but just as quickly, shame crashed down on me. He’d been so sweet and supportive with me, I didn’t want to tell him that I was actually just a big fucking failure.
“Something wrong?” he asked, taking the water.
I shook my head and forced a smile to my face. “Nope, just a little tired, I guess. How are you both doing?”
Audrey draped her arm over her friend’s shoulder. “A little danced out, but good.”
“Is this when we meet the band?” Shawn asked, his expression open and expectant.
I swallowed. The idea of getting snubbed by Mario and June with Shawn there to witness it seemed like too much to handle. “Maybe tonight’s not the right night,” I said. “It looks like they’re going to be tied up with the fans for quite a while.” The excuse felt weak after I had invited Shawn to meet them earlier, but I didn’t see any other way around it.
Shawn’s face fell a little, but he just nodded and drank from his water. “Okay.”
My heart ached to disappoint him, but I needed to get out of that venue as soon as possible. Otherwise, I was convinced someone else was going to walk up and tell me I was a failure.
Even if all of Nashville thought I was a fuckup, I needed Shawn to keep believing in me. Without him looking at me the way he did, I was pretty sure I would fall apart.
