by Wu Cheng-En
“Watch your words, brother,” said Monkey. “This is the city of a Western king, not some vulgar, worldly place. You wouldn't be casually dropping it here. As the saying goes, many hands make light work. We've got to cure the king. When we do we'll all be covered in glory. If we fail I'm afraid we won't be able to leave this country with any credit.”
“Wait a moment,” the horse finally said. Look at him as he springs forward then squats back on his haunches, grinds his teeth noisily and only with the greatest strain manages to squeeze out a few drops before standing up again.
“What a deadbeat,” said Pig. “You could give us a few more even if they were drops of gold.”
Seeing that the dish was now about a third full Monkey said, “That'll do, that'll do. Take it away.” Only then did Friar Sand feel cheerful.
The three of them then returned to the main hall, mixed the piss with the ingredients that had already been prepared, and rolled the mixture into three large round balls. “They're too big, brothers,” said Monkey.
“They're only walnut-sized,” Pig replied. “That wouldn't be enough for a single mouthful if I were taking them.” The three disciples then put the pills into a large box and went to bed fully dressed.
It was soon dawn, and despite his sickness the king held court, asking the Tang Priest to come to see him and sending all his officials straight to the Hostel of Meeting to pay their respects to the holy monk, the Venerable Sun, and fetch the medicine.
When the officials reached the hostel they prostrated themselves before Brother Monkey with the words, “His Majesty has sent us to pay our respects and fetch the miraculous medicine.” Monkey told Pig to fetch the box, which he opened and handed to the officials.
“What is this medicine called?” they asked. “We would like to be able to inform His Majesty when we see him.”
“It's called Black Gold Elixir,” Monkey replied, at which Pig and Friar Sand had to hide their grins as they thought, “of course they're black gold-they were made with soot scraped off cooking pots.”
“What should be taken with the pills to guide them on their way?” the officials asked.
“There are two kinds of guide that can be taken with them,” Monkey replied. “One's easily got hold of. That is a decoction of six ingredients to be taken as a hot potion.”
“What six ingredients?” the officials asked.
“A fart from a flying crow,” Monkey replied, “piss from a carp in a fast-flowing stream, some of the face-powder used by the Queen Mother of the West, soot from elixir refined in Lord Lao's furnace, three pieces of a worn-out head cloth of the Jade Emperor's, and five whiskers from a trapped dragon's beard. A decoction of those six ingredients taken with the pills would clear up your king's illness straight away.”
When the officials heard this they replied, “Those are things that are not to be found in this world, so please tell us what the other guide is.”
“The pills should be taken with rootless water,” said Monkey.
“That's very easily got hold of,” smiled the officials.
“How can you be so sure?” Monkey asked.
“We have a saying here,” the officials replied, “that if you need rootless water you take a bowl or a dish to a well or a stream, fill it with water, and hurry back with it. Don't spill a drop, don't look behind you, and give it to the patient to take with the medicine.”
“But well water and stream water both have roots,” Monkey said. “The rootless water I'm talking about has to fall from the sky and be drunk before it touches the ground. Only then can it be called rootless.”
“That's easily got too,” the officials said. “The medicine shouldn't be taken till the next cloudy, wet day.”
The officials then kowtowed to thank Monkey and took the medicine back with them to present to the king, who delightedly ordered his attendants to bring it to him.
“What are these pills?” he asked when he saw them.
“The holy monk says they are Black Gold Elixir and have to be taken with rootless water,” the officials replied. The king then sent some of his palace women to fetch rootless water.
“The holy monk says that rootless water can't be got from wells or streams,” the officials said. “It has to be water that has come down from the sky and not yet touched the ground.” The king then ordered his aides to issue a decree inviting magicians to summon rain. The officials then issued a proclamation as the king had ordered.
Back in the hall of the Hostel of Meeting Brother Monkey said to Pig, “He must be given some rain now so he can take his medicine. This is very urgent. How are we going to get some? I reckon he's a very virtuous and worthy king, so why don't we help him get a little rainwater to take his medicine with?”
“But how are we going to help him get some rootless water?” Pig asked.
“Stand on my left and be my Sustainer Star,” Monkey said to him, then told Friar Sand, “stand on my right as my Straightener Star while I help him to get some rootless water.”
The splendid Great Sage then paced out a magic pattern and said the words of a spell. Soon a dark cloud appeared to their East that came closer till it was over their heads. “Great Sage,” called a voice from it, “Ao Guang, the Dragon King of the Eastern Sea, is here to call on you.”
“I wouldn't have troubled you if it hadn't been important,” Monkey said. “Could I ask you to help by giving the king here some rootless water to take his medicine with?”
“When you summoned me, Great Sage,” the dragon king replied, “you said nothing about water. I have only come by myself. I haven't brought any rain-making equipment, to say nothing of wind, clouds, thunder and lightning. So how can I make it rain?”
“There'll be no call for wind, clouds, thunder or lightning this time,” Monkey said, “and we don't need much rain either. We just need enough water for someone to take his medicine with.”
“In that case I'll do a couple of sneezes and spit out some saliva,” the dragon king said. “That ought to be enough for him to take his medicine.”
“Terrific,” said Monkey, delighted. “Don't waste a moment. Do it as soon as you can.”
The ancient old dragon gradually brought his dark cloud down till it was just over the palace, though he kept himself entirely concealed. He spat out a mouthful of saliva that turned into timely rain, whereupon all the officials at court exclaimed, “Ten million congratulations, Your Majesty. Heaven is sending down timely rain.”
The king then ordered, “Take vessels out to hold the rain. All officials, whether inside or outside the palace and irrespective of their rank, must gather this sacred water to save our life.” Just watch as all the civil and military officials as well as the consorts, concubines, three thousand beauties, and eight hundred charming ladies-in-waiting of the three harems and the six compounds of the inner palace all stood there holding cups, dishes, bowls and plates to catch the timely rain. Up in the sky the ancient dragon so controlled his saliva that all of it fell within the palace. After about two hours the dragon king took his leave of the Great Sage and went back to the sea. When the officials gathered all the cups, dishes, bowls and plates together they found that some had caught one or two drops of water, some three to five, and some none at all. When it was all put together there were a little over three dishes full of it, and this was all presented to the king. Indeed:
The throne hall was filled with exquisite fragrance;
Fine scents were wafting round the Son of Heaven's court.
The king then dismissed the Master of the Law and had the Black Gold Elixir and the timely rain carried into the inner quarters, where he took the first pill with the first dish of timely rain, then the second pill with the second dish. In three efforts he finished all three pills and all three dishfuls. Soon afterwards there was a noise from his stomach like the endless turning of a windlass. He sent for his chamber pot and evacuated four or five times before taking some rice porridge and collapsing on his dragon bed. When two of his con
sorts inspected the chamber pot they saw it contained huge amounts of feces and mucus, and amid it all a ball of glutinous rice.
“The root of the disorder has come out,” the consorts reported, going over to the royal bed. The king was very pleased to hear this and ate some rice. A little later his chest felt eased and his natural forces and blood were in harmonious balance once more. He was full of vigor and the strength came back to his legs, so he rose from his bed, dressed in his court clothes and went into the throne hall, where he greeted the Tang Priest by prostrating himself. The venerable elder returned this courtesy as quickly as he could.
When this had been done the king helped Sanzang to his feet with his own hands and told his courtiers, “Write a note at once sending our personal and respectful greetings and have an official go to invite the three illustrious disciples of the Master of the Law to come here. Meanwhile the Eastern hall of the palace is to be opened up and the department of foreign relations is to arrange a banquet of thanksgiving.” Having been given these commands the officials carried them out. The scribes wrote out the note and the caterers prepared the meal. A state is indeed strong enough to overturn a mountain, and everything was done in an instant.
When Pig saw the officials come to deliver the note he was beside himself with delight. “Brother,” he said, “it really must be miracle medicine. From the way they're coming to thank you you must have pulled it off.”
“You've got it all wrong, brother,” said Friar Sand. “As the saying goes, 'One man's good fortune affects his whole household.' We two made up the pills, so we take a share of the credit. So just enjoy yourself and stop talking.” Hey! Just look at the three brothers as they all happily go straight to the palace, where all the officials received them and led them to the Eastern hall.
Here they saw the Tang Priest with the king and his ministers and the banquet all set out ready. Brother Monkey, Pig and Friar Sand all chanted a “na-a-aw” of respect to their master, after which the officials all came in. In the best place there were set out four tables of vegetarian food. It was the sort of banquet at which there are ten times as many dishes as you can eat. In front of these tables was one of meat dishes, and on this too you could see ten dishes of rare delicacies while you ate one. To either side four or five hundred more single tables were most neatly set out.
As the ancients had it:
“A hundred rare delicacies,
A thousand goblets of fine wine,
Rich cream and yogurt,
Fat, red meat like brocade.”
Precious and many-coloured decorations,
Heavy fragrances of fruit.
Huge sugar dragons coil round sweet lions and immortals:
Ingots of cake draw furnaces escorted by phoenixes.
For meat there was pork and mutton, goose, chicken, duck and fish;
For vegetables, bamboo shoots, beansprouts, fungus and button mushrooms.
Delicious noodles in soup,
Translucent creamy sweets,
Succulent millet,
Fresh wild rice congee,
Pungent, tasty soup with rice noodles,
Dishes in which sweetness vied with beauty.
Monarch and subjects raised their cups as the diners took their seats;
Officials seated by rank slowly passed the jugs.
Holding a cup in his hand the king first seated the Tang Priest, who said, “As a monk I may not drink liquor.”
“This is alcohol-free wine,” the king said. “Could you not drink one cup of this, Master of the Law?”
“But wine is the first prohibition for us monks,” said Sanzang. The king felt awkward.
“If you may not drink, Master of the Law, how can I congratulate you?”
“My three badly-behaved disciples will drink on my behalf,” Sanzang replied. The king then happily passed the golden goblet to Monkey, who took it, made a courteous gesture to the assembly, and downed a cupful. Seeing how cheerfully he downed it the king offered him another cup. Monkey did not decline it but drank again.
“Have a third goblet,” said the king with a smile, and Monkey accepted and drank for a third time. The king then ordered that the cup be refilled and said, “Have another to make it four for the four seasons.”
Pig, who was standing beside Monkey, had to put up with the saliva gurgling inside him as the wine would not come his way; and now that the king was pressing Monkey so hard to drink he started to shout, “Your Majesty, that medicine you took owes something to me. Those pills include horse-” When Monkey heard this he was terrified that the idiot was going to give the game away, so he handed Pig the cup. Pig took the cup, drank and stopped talking.
“Holy monk,” said the king, “just now you said there was horse in the pills. What sort of horse?”
“This brother of mine has a very loose tongue,” said Monkey, cutting in. “We've got a really good formula that has been tried and tested, and he wants to give it away. The pills Your Majesty took this morning included not horse but Aristolochia.”
“What class of medicine is Aristolochia?” the king asked. “What conditions can it cure?”
One of the fellows of the Royal College of Medicine who was standing beside the king said, “Your Majesty,
Aristolochia is bitter, cold and free of poison,
Ends shortness of breath and cures phlegm well,
Circulates the energy, removes blood infections,
Fills emptiness, soothes coughs and eases the heart.
“It was the right thing to use, the right thing to use,” the king said. “The Venerable Pig must have another cup.” The idiot said nothing more, but downed three goblets. The king then gave three cupfuls to Friar Sand, who drank them. Everyone then sat down.
When they all had been feasting and drinking for a long time the king raised a large goblet once more and handed it to Monkey. “Please sit down, Your Majesty,” Monkey said. “I've been drinking hard in every round. I'd never refuse.”
“Holy monk,” the king said, “we are under a profound debt of gratitude to you that we will never be able to repay. Please drain this great goblet: we have something to say to you.”
“Say what you will first,” Monkey replied, “I'll drink after.”
“We suffered from that melancholia for years on end,” the king said, “and one dose of your miraculous pills cured it.”
“When I saw Your Majesty yesterday I realized you were suffering from melancholia,” Monkey said, “but I don't know what's getting you down.”
“There's an old saying that a family doesn't talk about its dirt to strangers,” the king replied. “As you are our benefactor, holy monk, we shall tell you, but please don't laugh.”
“I'd never dare,” Monkey said. “Please speak freely.”
“How many countries did you holy monks come through on your way here from the East?” the king asked.
“Five or six,” Monkey replied.
“What titles do the queens of the other kings have?” the king went on to ask.
“They're called the queens of the Main Palace, East Palace and West Palace,” Monkey replied.
“We don't use titles like that,” the king said. “We call the principal queen the Queen of the Sacred Golden Palace, the Eastern queen the Queen of the Sacred Jade Palace and the Western queen the Queen of the Sacred Silver Palace. But now only the Jade and Silver Queen are here.”
“Why isn't the Golden Queen in the palace?” Monkey asked.
“She has been gone for three whole years,” the king replied in tears.
“Where did she go?” Monkey asked.
“At the Dragon-boat Festival three years ago,” the king said, “we were in the Pomegranate Pavilion of the palace gardens with our queens and consorts, unwrapping rice dumplings, putting artemisia out, drinking calamus and realgar wine and watching the dragon boats race when all of a sudden there was a gust of wind. An evil spirit appeared in mid-air. He said he was the Evil Star Matcher who lives in the Horndog Cave on M
ount Unicorn and was short of a wife. Seeing how beautiful and charming our Golden Queen is he wanted her for his wife and insisted we should hand her over at once. If we did not do so by the time he had asked three times he was going to eat us up first, then our officials and all the commoners living in the city. We were so concerned over the fate of our country and our people that there was no alternative: the Golden Queen had to be pushed outside the pavilion to be carried noisily off by the evil spirit. All this gave us such a fright that the rice dumpling we were eating turned solid inside us. On top of that we have been unable to sleep for worrying, which is why we were ill for three years. Since taking you holy monks' miraculous pills we have evacuated our bowels three times, and the accumulations from three years ago have all been passed. That is why our body now feels light and strong and our spirit is restored to what it was. Our life has today been given to us by you holy monks; this is a gift more weighty than Mount Tai.”
When Brother Monkey heard this he was very happy indeed and he downed the huge goblet of wine in two gulps. “Your Majesty,” he said with a smile to the king, “so that's what caused your shock and your depression. Today you've been lucky: you met me and you were cured. But I don't know whether you want the Golden Queen back in the palace.”
To this the king answered with tears, “We have been longing for her night and day, but nobody has ever been able to catch the evil spirit. Of course we want her back in our country.”
“What if I go to deal with that evil creature for you?” said Monkey.
