I don’t know what came over me. I broke down and began sobbing loudly. “I hate myself for doing this to my babies.” I cried.
“What are you talking about? What did you do to your babies?” He rubbed my shoulder.
“I chose him! I laid down with him and chose him to be their father! Now look! Lola’s sick and where is he? He’s with her and his boys!” I screamed through my tears! I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “What about my kids? They’re his too! They shouldn’t be treated any different because of the choices that he and I made. He knew that he had a family when he chose to deal with me but now every time I turn around he’s throwing in my face how he’s not going to lose his family for anyone! Laila and Lola are his family too!”
Reggie was quiet for a few seconds like he was trying to process everything that I’d just told him. “Ummm…well you can’t beat yourself up for your past mistakes. All you can do is try and learn from it and not make the same mistakes. You are here for Lola and that is what matters, that you are doing your part. He’s the one who is missing out on being here when his daughter needs him. Don’t let that worry you, karma is a bitch! He’ll get his!”
I looked up at him, tears still flowing freely from my eyes and meeting beneath my chin. “Exactly, I feel like God is paying me back for messing around with somebody else’s man! The bad part is that Lola is the one who is suffering! I did this; she shouldn’t have to suffer for my mistake!”
“No, she’s not suffering for your mistakes.” He corrected me. “She’s not suffering at all. She has a mommy who loves her and grandparents who love her very much and you are all here for her. That little girl has more love than she can handle right now.” He sat on the side of the bed and continued to talk to me until I was calm.
“Thanks for allowing me to vent.” I thanked him once I’d calmed down. “Getting it all out made me feel a lot better.”
“No problem.” He picked up the notepad and pen that was lying on the table by the bed and scribbled something on it. “That’s my number. Use it whenever you need to talk.”
“I certainly will.” I forced a smile because I really wasn’t in a smiling mood.
He gave me another hug. “Alright, try to get some rest.” His arms around me felt great. I could’ve stayed in his embrace forever but unfortunately that wasn’t going to happen.
“Okay…and thanks again.”
“No problem.” He told me bye and then left.
Immediately, I felt lonely. I got up, gave both girls their bathes, and then fed them both. When I was done I called my mama to see why her and my dad hadn’t returned.
She answered the phone sounding groggy. “Hello…is everything alright?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I assured her. “I was just calling to check on you guys because you never came back, that’s all.”
“I’m sorry, we’re fine. I should’ve called so that you wouldn’t be worried. We were tired from being up so late for the past two nights and came back here to the hotel for a nap. I guess we were a little more tired than we’d thought.”
“That’s fine. You go ahead and get some rest. I am going to try and do the same. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Okay then. I love you and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Love you too.” We hung up and I crawled into bed. I laid there for a long time thinking about Tre and hoping that things would get better. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with him treating his boys better than Laila and Lola. It just wasn’t right.
Lala
Two months later…
Rain fell steadily against windshield as I drove home from Lola’s appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. Before I’d brought her home from the hospital they’d found that she had a small hole in one of the walls of her heart, which is what was causing her to have a murmur. Her pediatrician had referred her to a pediatric cardiologist so that they could better figure out how to treat it.
For the past month, Dr. Malone, her cardiologist had been keeping an eye on her and hoping that if we gave it a little time the hole would close on its own. Today when I’d taken her in for her checkup, I’d mentioned that she wasn’t eating like she should and her breathing concerned me as well. After weighing her, Dr. Malone suggested surgery to repair the hole in her heart. I wasn’t siked about the idea at all. As a matter of fact, I didn’t like the thought of them opening up my baby’s chest but what other choice did I have? Not being the type to bite my tongue, I expressed my concerns about Lola having the surgery. Dr. Malone took his time and explained to me the procedure from beginning to end. After him explaining it to me, I felt a lot better about it. So he scheduled the surgery for two weeks later.
Before leaving the doctor’s office, I’d texted Tre and told him to call me because I needed to talk to him about Lola’s appointment. Of course, forty-five minutes later I still hadn’t heard anything from him. I kept checking my phone to see if he’d replied already knowing that he hadn’t because if he had I would’ve heard the phone. I was beyond fed up with his deadbeat attitude towards my babies and I was tired of his excuse about not having time for them because he already had a family. Financially, I couldn’t complain because he’d been sending me two hundred dollars every week since they’d been born. I kept trying to explain to him that I needed more from him than just money but each time that I said that he always got upset, accusing me of trying to use the twins as an excuse for him to with me. He’d even flipped out on me during one conversation and accused me of keeping the twins to have an excuse for him to forever be a part of my life. He was on some real arrogant bullshit!
Since the girls had been born my outlook had changed. Yes, I still had feelings for Tre and a part of me wished that we could be together and raise our children as a family but I knew that wasn’t going to ever happen and so I’d accepted that. My concern now wasn’t me and Tre, it was Laila and Lola and what was best for them. All of the bullshit was behind me! All I wanted was for him to be there for my girls and that was it! I personally didn’t need him for anything but they deserved a father! They shouldn’t have to miss out on having their father in their lives because of the choices that he and I had made! If he didn’t want to tell Kisha about them that was fine but I still expected him to make a way to be a part of their lives.
My cell rang and I hurriedly snatched it up off of the passenger seat. I looked at the screen and was disappointed when I saw Nisey’s name flashing on the screen. I’d really been hoping that it was Tre. I pressed send and answered.
“Hey Nisey.”
“Hey, I was calling to see how things went at Lola’s appointment. I tried to wait for you to call me but you were taking too long.” I felt bad for how disappointed I was by her call. When she was more concerned about my daughter than her own daddy! “So what did Dr. Malone say?”
I leaned my head back against the headrest and tried to relax. I’d been sitting still in traffic for the past five minutes and it didn’t look like I was going anywhere anytime soon. “Well, he said that he’s going to need to do surgery on her heart to repair the hole.”
“Oh…wow. Well…ummm…” I knew that she was stammering over her words because she wasn’t sure of what to say to me. She knew that I was worried and was more than likely trying to come up with some type of words of comfort and encouragement. “…ummm…well she will be fine. Dr. Malone is a really good doctor from what I’ve read. He’s one of the best so she’s in good hands. When is he going to do it?”
Traffic started to move and I sat up so that I could focus on the road. I turned up my wipers a little bit more because the rain had begun to come down harder. “In two weeks.”
“Okay, try not to worry yourself too much because you know that I am going to be right there with you.”
A smile formed on my lips. “Thanks Nisey, I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Me either, honey chile.” She laughed and I laughed too.
My phone beeped and I to
ok it from my ear to see who was calling. I saw Tre’s name flashing. I put the phone back to my ear. “Nisey, let me call you right back. I have another call.”
“Okay.”
I clicked over to Tre. “Hello.” I answered.
“Hey, what’s going on?” He replied. “I got your text about Lola. Why does he have to operate? Why can’t he give it a little more time to see if the hole will close on its own?”
“Well because she’s barely eating which means she’s not gaining weight like she should and she breathes all funny. It’s like she’s fighting to breathe!” I explained. “Majority of the time I am afraid to even go to sleep because I’m scared that I may go to sleep and she may stop breathing or something! I’m scared all of the time! You just don’t understand what it’s been like for me…”
He cut me off before I could continue, “Lala, don’t start the whole ‘you’re not here for your kid’s speech! You act like she wouldn’t still be sick if I was right there with you! She’d still be sick and there still wouldn’t be shit that I could do! So please don’t start!” He snapped.
I’d finally reached my house. I put the car in park but didn’t turn off the ignition so that I could keep the AC blowing. I ran my fingers through my hair letting out a frustrated breath. He always blew up before I could finish what I was saying! That’s why majority of the time he missed my point and our conversations ended in a screaming match! Dealing with him was like dealing with a damn child! I was starting to wonder what I’d ever seen in his ass! I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down before I spoke again. I didn’t want to snap because if I did I wouldn’t get anything accomplished and I was trying hard to handle this situation like an adult and like a parent. I knew that I had to put my feelings aside and try to do what was best for Lola and Laila regardless of how bad I wanted to let the bitch come out of me and read his ass!
“Tre, listen for a second please.” I began. “I am not trying to make you feel any type of way about not being here. That’s not what I was doing, I was only telling you that it’s been hard for me dealing with two babies and one of them being sick, the constant trips back and forth to the doctors, barely getting enough sleep, and worrying myself to death about Lola’s condition. It’s been tough. That’s all that I was trying to say.” I paused because I was becoming emotional and after just giving birth not so long ago my hormones were still all over the place. “We used to be able to talk about any and everything. You weren’t just some dude that I was fucking but you were my friend! Try to put yourself in my position for a second. Yes, I knew the rules of the game before I chose to play but you did as well. I am not trying to point any fingers and say whose right or whose wrong here. I just want you to try and be a little bit more understanding like I’ve tried to be towards you and your situation. I left Tre! I left my home, my job, and my family so that you could keep yours. I put my feelings aside and I walked away! Most women would’ve been at your door but I didn’t. Yes, I chose to keep the babies but not to trap you! I kept them because I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I’d chosen to kill them. I knew that you wouldn’t be able to be here like I wanted you to. I appreciate that you are here for them financially but I need just a tad bit more. If you can’t be here, it doesn’t hurt to call every now and again and ask how they are or ask for a picture. It’s like, if I don’t call or text you would never know what is going on with them. That’s not fair to them. I look at it this way, when you and I were dealing with each other for two whole years. You would lie and tell Kisha whatever you had to tell her to get away and be with me. Why can’t you do the same thing to see your kids? We could meet half way or something? I am trying to work with you but you aren’t trying to work with me…”
He cut me off. “How in the fuck do you figure that I ain’t trying to work with you? Don’t you receive some money for them in the mailbox every week? Huh?” He roared! “Don’t come at me with that bullshit! That money could be going into my household but I send it to you for your kids! Stop trying to make like I don’t do shit!”
I couldn’t subdue my anger any longer! “Listen at what you just said ‘your kids’! They aren’t just my kids! They are your kids too!”
“You know what I meant!”
“Yeah, I know exactly what you meant! You meant what you said because that’s pretty much how you look at them as being just my kids! They have your blood pumping through their veins just like your boys do!”
“Don’t bring my boys into this! Watch your fuckin’ mouth and stay in your lane! You are stepping out of line!” He warned. “It was a lot easier to tell a lie to be with you a few hours after work or on the weekends than it would be to tell a lie to travel all the way to Danville! That is a damn three hour drive!”
“I told you that I would drive and meet you half way! Don’t you see that I am not trying to be a bitch?” I tried to reason with him. “I just want what’s best for my kids and they deserve to have their daddy in their lives!”
I heard him let out a loud breath! “Would you please shut the hell up? I am so sick of hearing you say that shit! You say that you knew and understood the rules but obviously you didn’t because most bitches would understand that I am doing what I can! Most would be satisfied with the money that I send because a lot of niggas don’t even do that when they have outside kids by their side chic!”
I didn’t back down! “That’s just it! I’m not most bitches! Money isn’t everything to me! You keep feeding me this bullshit about not wanting to lose your family! Nigga, didn’t you know the rules of the game before you chose to play?” I screamed into the phone! “You chose to gamble with your family for a side bitch! So now why don’t you stop fucking whining about losing your family and step up like a man and figure out a way to be there for all of your kids instead of making differences between them! Just because your boys are with Kisha doesn’t make them more important or better than your daughters! Your daughters Tre! Not just mines but yours!”
“You know what? I’m done! I’m done trying to be nice to you! Fuck you and your daughters! Your daughters! I don’t have time for this bullshit! It is what it is! I told you from day one that I wasn’t about to lose my babymama for no outside bitch! Either deal with the situation the way it is or kick motherfuckin’ rocks! I keep on telling you that I can’t run up there every time that you call whining but you keep on acting like you are hard of hearing or plain fuckin’ deaf!”
“Oh really, that’s how you want to do it?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if he knew it or not but he’d just pushed me to my limit! I’d tried my best not to be petty and do no foul shit but he was taking shit for granted! Like I had to be civilized towards him! He’d become flat out disrespectful! I assume he felt like he could treat me any kind of way and then come back and spit some sweet shit to me a few days later and everything would be cool because that’s how it’d always been in the past.
“That’s exactly how I am going to do it! As a matter of fact I am done talking! Call me when you actually have something to say and you are not all in your feelings! Then we can talk!” He spoke arrogantly into the phone!
“Tre…I am warning you that if you hang up this phone…”
“If I hang up, what? What are you going to do? I am sick of you fuckin’ threatening me!”
“I’m not threatening you but I am tired of your bullshit!”
“I’m tired of yours too! You act like you are the only one dealing with shit! I’m dealing with a lot of shit too!” He ranted! “I’m dealing with home, you and these two kids and a lot of other shit but don’t nobody give a fuck about Tre! It’s all about everybody else and their needs and wants! What about what the fuck I need! Gotdammit I am trying! I am trying my best to make every gotdamn body in this situation happy so that shit can run smoothly but every time I turn around Kisha is in my ear bitching or you are on the phone bitching about something I ain’t doing right! Can a nigga just breathe for a second?”
I felt slightly bad a
fter listening to him vent about how he was feeling and how this situation was affecting him. I’d known that it couldn’t be easy but I must admit that I’d never really taken time to think about just how much things might be wearing on him. “Tre, I didn’t mean…”
“You never mean anything! Fuck you!” With that he hung up!
For a second I just stared at the phone. I thought about pressing send and calling him back but then decided against it. I was officially tired of trying to talk to him and more than tired of trying to be nice! I was tired of my feelings being hurt and tired of having to feel like shit every time that I opened my mouth and tried to express how I was feeling and what I was going through! I was tired of hearing how I’d slept with somebody’s man so I should just shut up and accept the situation for what it was! I never put a gun to Tre’s head and made him do shit!
I thought back to the night that he’d asked me to meet him after work when I’d went home to visit and revealed to him that I was pregnant. I thought about how nice he’d been, how we’d made love in back of the van, and all of the bullshit that he’d spit to me. I realized now that it’d been all game! He’d never given a fuck about me or my feelings, only himself and of course Kisha and his boys!
I turned off the ignition, got out of the car and took both babies inside. Once inside I got them out of their carriers and changed them both and fed them. Lola still wasn’t eating much so I decided that I’d try again in a half hour. I heard my phone ringing and picked it up off of the coffee table. Reggie’s name was flashing on the screen. I pressed ignore and sat down at my computer and powered it on. When it came on I logged into my Facebook page. I went to Tre’s page and wrote on his wall: Since you are so afraid of your girl finding out about me and the two children that we share, how about I not only let her know but everybody else as well! Now you don’t have to make any more excuses for why you can’t be in your children’s lives because your secret is out! I tried to be nice and as you say stay in my lane but I’ve learned that you just can’t be good to some people! You said fuck me…lol…nah nigga fuck you! I went to the pictures folder on my computer and uploaded a pic of the girls to attach to the message and tagged him in it.
Side Chic 2 (A Ratchet Mess) Page 8
