by Jessica Hart
Alice sensed his withdrawal, even understood it. It had been a wonderful week, but slowly the sensible side of her was regaining its natural ascendancy. Ah-ha! it cried. Told you you’d regret it! Look what a mess you’ve got yourself into now!
The three-week deadline changed her whole sense of time. Sometimes it seemed to rush forward with dizzying speed, making her panic, and at others it slowed to a lethargic trickle that made it impossible to imagine the future. Alice tried to focus on going home, but her life in England seemed increasingly unreal.
She had expected to start feeling bored by now, to start yearning for shops, cinemas, bars and the gossip and pressure of a proper job, but it hadn’t happened yet. She tried to make herself miss them, but how could she think about London when Lily chattered as she swung on her hand, and the lagoon glittered behind the coconut palms, and Will closed the bedroom door every night with a smile?
The arrival of Lily’s trunk only underlined how far she was from home. Having made such a fuss about Will not bringing his daughter’s things with him, Alice had to admit that none of the clothes were suitable for a tropical island. There were surprisingly few books, and a lot of very expensive and hardly-used toys, none of which seemed to interest Lily very much.
She had to find some way of detaching herself from life here, Alice thought with increasing desperation. It was too comfortable, too intimate, with just the three of them. She needed to get out and meet more people, make her life bigger again so that when she left there wouldn’t be an aching gap where Will and Lily had been. Deep down, Alice was afraid that she might have left it too late for that, but at least it was a plan.
When Will told her that he and his team were preparing for an open day at the project headquarters that Friday, Alice leapt at the opportunity.
‘Can we come?’
‘To the open day?’ Will looked taken aback at the idea.
‘Why not? It would be a chance for Lily to see what you do all day.’
‘I’m not sure it’ll be of any interest to a child. We’ve got a government minister coming, but it’s really about trying to involve the local community in the project, especially the fishermen, and getting them to understand what we’re trying to do.’
‘Why don’t you lay something on for all the children?’ said Alice. ‘They’re part of the community too, and if you get them on board now it’ll make things much easier in the future. You could lay on little trips for them,’ she went on, warming to her theme. ‘Or have a competition with little prizes…you know, they have to find out information as they go round and answer questions, or find something, like a treasure hunt.’
‘I suppose we could do something for the children,’ said Will slowly.
‘It’ll be good for Lily to start meeting other children before she goes to school, too,’ Alice pointed out.
Impressed by her enthusiasm, Will considered. ‘Could you run some activities for the children?’
‘Me?’
‘It was your idea.’
‘But I don’t know anything about marine ecology!’
‘We can give you the information you need. It’s putting it into an appealing format we’d find more difficult, even if we had the time to think about it, which we don’t. We’ve got enough to do setting up displays for the open day as it is, and we’re running short of time.’
So Alice and Lily found themselves at the project headquarters. The building was simply, even spartanly, furnished, but everything was very well organised. It was clear that all the money was spent on expertise and research equipment-no surprise with Will in charge. The whole project had his stamp on it; high quality, integrity, and absolutely no frills.
Will showed them round and introduced them to various members of the team, all of whom welcomed Lily kindly and eyed Alice with unmistakable curiosity. He had introduced her simply as ‘a friend’, and it was obvious that they were all wondering just how close a friend she was. Alice found herself unaccountably miffed that he wouldn’t acknowledge a closer relationship, because clearly they were more than friends. They were lovers.
Desire shivered through her at the thought of the nights they spent together. She would never guess it to look at Will now. He was dressed casually but with characteristic neatness in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, and his face was absorbed as he discussed some obscure issue to do with phytoplankton, whatever that was, with a bearded marine biologist. Looking at the back of those long, straight legs, Alice felt quite weak with the knowledge of how they felt against hers, of what it was like to kiss the nape of his neck and slide her arms around that lean, hard body.
‘Shall we go and look at the lab?’ Will turned to find Alice staring at him, and she gulped and jerked her gaze away.
‘Fine,’ she said brightly. ‘Lead on!’
In spite of herself, Alice was impressed by what she saw. She hadn’t realised quite what a major project it was, and she remembered how glibly she had suggested to Will that he give up his career and find another job in London. It seemed an absurd idea now. For it was clear that he was key to the project’s success. The staff made no secret of how much they admired him, and Alice could see why. He didn’t raise his voice, or show off or patronise anyone, but somehow he was at the centre of everything. She saw a young diver glow at Will’s quiet word of congratulation, and a secretary nod with enthusiasm at one of his suggestions. This was Will in his element, intelligent, focused, completely assured about who he was, what he was doing and why he was doing it.
It was very different from her own world of work where status symbols were so important, and how you looked and talked sometimes mattered more than what you actually did. Alice couldn’t help comparing Will with Tony, who was always so careful of his appearance and so competitive. Tony would talk himself up in meetings, never missing an opportunity to tell everyone how dynamic and successful he was, and even at home he hadn’t been able to wait to tell Alice how well he had performed in a meeting or how much better his results had been than any of his colleagues.
Alice’s own drive was less for success in itself than for the security it brought, but she sensed that the team had some reservations about her, and she supposed she did look a bit out of place in her narrow skirt, sleeveless top and high peep-toe shoes with their pretty candy stripes. Alice told herself that she didn’t care what they thought of her, and threw herself into the challenge of taking what she had learnt and making it fun and accessible for children.
Will found her a desk, and she and Lily spent the rest of the day happily playing around with ideas and thinking up simple questions that a child like Lily could answer by looking at the various display boards that were being prepared. Will disappeared out to the reef, and Alice found it easier to settle once he had gone. She chatted to the two locally employed secretaries, who adored Will, and were obviously longing to know more about his relationship with Alice but were too polite to ask outright.
‘I’m just helping out with Lily until the new nanny arrives,’ she told them, since there didn’t seem any reason to keep it a big secret. ‘I’m going home soon.’
Perhaps, if she said it enough, it would start to seem real.
She liked the atmosphere in the office. It made her realise how much she missed having to think and be part of a team, a train of thought Alice was keen to encourage in herself. Because missing that meant that she was missing work, which meant, obviously, that she was looking forward to going back to London and applying for what she was determined would be the job of her dreams.
Together with Lily, she came up with a competition and a treasure hunt, and begged the use of a computer to draft fun forms for the children to fill in. Then she rang Roger and cajoled him into sponsoring prizes for everyone who took part, as she was pretty sure Will wouldn’t approve of using his precious budget to finance frivolities.
‘It’ll be good PR for your company,’ she told him.
‘A bunch of children in fishing villages aren’t exactly our tar
get market,’ said Roger, but he was happy to humour her, and the cost was negligible for a company like his in any case.
It wasn’t long before Alice was coming up with other ideas. She told Will about Roger’s offer as they drove home at the end of the day. ‘Why don’t you make this an opportunity to get more sponsorship?’
‘I haven’t got time for schmoozing,’ said Will, changing gear irritably. He was tense after a day spent trying to ignore Alice’s warm, vibrant presence in the office. It had been bad enough trying to concentrate on work before, when his senses had still been reeling with memories of the night before, but today had been virtually impossible. Wherever he looked, there she was, sitting on the edge of the desk, swinging those ridiculous shoes, chatting to the secretaries, bending over pieces of paper with Lily, their faces intent, studying the display boards…
Her questions had been intelligent, and she had made some acute observations, which shouldn’t have surprised him. Nobody could ever have accused Alice of being stupid, and he could see that, although the team had been wary of her initially, they had all been impressed by her ideas in the end. She had flair, Will had to admit. It was hard to put his finger on it, but there was a certain stylishness about everything she did, and there was no doubt that she had already made a huge contribution to the plans for the open day.
So he ought to be feeling pleased with her, not edgy and cross. Grateful as he was for her ideas, he wished that she had stayed at home. Now, when she had gone, he wouldn’t even be able to go to the office without memories of her waiting to ambush him.
‘You wouldn’t need to spend any extra time,’ said Alice, taking out her clip and wedging it between her teeth as she shook out her hair. ‘You’re having the open day anyway,’ she pointed out, rather muffled through the clip. ‘Why not invite businesses along at the same time and show them what you’re doing?’
Twisting her hair back up with one hand, she took the clip from her teeth and deftly secured it into place. ‘You’re the one who said how important the protection of the reef is to the economy. That makes it of interest to companies who operate here, local and international, and I’m sure lots of them would be interested in sponsoring you. Jumping on the environmental awareness bandwagon makes good PR for them.’
‘The point of the open day is to keep government support and to involve the local communities,’ Will grumbled. ‘You’re wanting to turn it into a jamboree.’
‘Nonsense,’ said Alice briskly. ‘All you need to do is lay on a few more drinks, and it’ll be worth it if you get some extra money for the project, won’t it? Besides,’ she said, turning to wink at Lily in the back seat, ‘if we make it a party, it’ll be a chance for Lily and I to dress up.’
Lily brightened. ‘Can I wear my pink shoes?’
‘You can,’ said Alice. ‘And I’ll wear my shoes with the bows. What do you think?’ she asked, ignoring Will’s snort.
‘I like them.’
‘I’m so glad we’ve got the footwear sorted out,’ said Will sarcastically as they turned into their road. ‘Now there’s nothing else to worry about!’
Although, as it turned out, there was.
An email from the agency in London was waiting for him when he went into the office the next day. Will sat at his desk and stared at the screen. They had found an excellent candidate, the email informed him. An experienced nanny, mature and sensible, Helen would be able to fly out to St Bonaventure as soon as required. Would he please read the attached CV and their comments on Helen’s interview and let them know as soon as possible if he wished to offer her the post.
Will lifted his eyes from the screen. Through the glass wall of his office he could see Alice on the phone. She had taken responsibility for the refreshments, and her face was animated as she talked, one hand holding the phone to her ear, the other gesticulating as if the person on the other end could see her.
When she had gone, he wouldn’t be able to look at that phone without imagining her as she was now. He wouldn’t be able to sit on the verandah in the evening without feeling her beside him, talking, stretching, waving her arms around, laughing, arguing, her face vivid in the darkness. He wouldn’t be able to lie in bed without remembering her kisses, her softness and her warmth, the silken fire of her.
When she had gone, there would be an aching, empty void wherever she had been.
‘I need to talk to you,’ he said to her that night after they had put Lily to bed.
‘That sounds serious,’ said Alice lightly. ‘Had we better sit down?’
So they sat in their accustomed places on the verandah, and Will tried to marshal the churning thoughts that had been occupying him all day. He hadn’t been able to talk to her at the office, and he didn’t want to say anything in front of Lily. He’d thought he’d decided what he was going to say, but now that he was here his careful arguments seemed to have vanished.
‘What is it?’ asked Alice after a while.
‘I had an email today from the agency in London. They’ve found a nanny who sounds very suitable and she can come out next week if I want.’
Alice sat very still. Funny, she had known this was going to happen-it was what she had insisted should happen-but, now that the moment was here, she was completely unprepared. Everything had worked out perfectly. A nanny was available. Lily was going to school soon, and there would be someone to look after her when Will wasn’t there. She could go home.
It was just what she wanted.
So why did her heart feel as if it had turned to a stone in her chest?
‘I see,’ she said, and from somewhere produced a smile. ‘Well, that’s good news. What’s her name?’
‘Helen.’
Helen would soon be sitting here with him. Helen would meet Lily from school and kiss her knees when she fell down. Helen would be waiting for him when he got home in the evening.
Is she pretty? Alice wanted to ask. Is she young? Will you fall in love with her?
‘When’s she coming?’ she asked instead.
‘I haven’t replied yet,’ said Will. ‘I wanted to talk to you first.’ He hesitated. ‘I wanted to ask if you would stay.’
CHAPTER NINE
‘STAY?’ Alice echoed blankly.
‘Yes, stay. Lily loves you, she’ll miss you. And I’ll miss you too,’ Will admitted honestly. ‘I’m not asking you to stay for ever, Alice. I know how you feel about commitment, but the last couple of weeks have been good, haven’t they?’
‘Yes,’ she said, unable to deny it.
‘Then why not carry on as we are?’ he said, uncomfortably aware of the undercurrent of urgency, even desperation, in his voice. He cleared his throat and tried to sound more normal. ‘You told me yourself that your engagement had fallen through and that you didn’t have a job at the moment. What have you got to go home to?’
‘My home,’ said Alice a little defensively. ‘My life.’
‘You could have a home and a life here.’
‘For how long?’ she asked. ‘I can’t pretend I haven’t enjoyed the last few weeks, Will. It’s been a special time, but special times don’t last.’
‘They don’t if you don’t give them a chance,’ said Will.
She bit her lip. The thought of saying goodbye to him and Lily tore at her, but he was asking her to give up her whole life, and for what?
‘How can they last?’ she said. ‘Lily will be going to school soon, and what would I do then? You’ve got an absorbing job, Sara looks after the house. There’s no place for me here, Will. How long would it be before I get bored, and everything that’s made this such a wonderful time disappears?’
‘You could find something to do,’ said Will. ‘Look at how you’ve taken over with the open day. Someone with your organisational skills will always find a job.’
‘I might find some temporary or voluntary work, but that’s not what I want. I’ve got a career, and the longer I stay away from it the more difficult it will be to go back to it. I’ve worked ha
rd to get to this stage,’ she told him. ‘I can’t just chuck it all in now on the basis of a few happy weeks.’
‘At least you admit you have been happy,’ said Will with an unmistakable thread of bitterness. ‘Are you going to be happy in London? No, don’t answer that,’ he said as Alice hesitated. ‘You’ve always put your career before your happiness, haven’t you?’
‘At least I can rely on my career to give me satisfaction and security,’ she retorted. ‘You can’t rely on being happy.’
‘But if you don’t take the risk you’ll never know how happy you could be.’
Alice sighed and pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. ‘We’ve been through all this before, Will,’ she reminded him. ‘You’ve got your career, I’ve got mine, and they don’t fit together. We still want different things from life.’
‘So you won’t stay?’ he asked heavily. ‘Not even for a while?’
She swallowed. ‘No.’ And then, when he said nothing, ‘Surely you can see that the longer I stay, the harder it’s going to be to say goodbye? It’s going to come to goodbye sometime, and I think it would be easier for both of us to do it sooner rather than later.’
‘All right,’ said Will after a moment, his voice empty of expression now. ‘I’ll email the agency tomorrow and get them to send Helen out as soon as possible.’
Alice didn’t reply. She sat unmoving in her chair, paralysed by the weight of the decision she had made. It was the right one, she knew, but that didn’t stop her feeling leaden inside, and her throat was so tight she couldn’t have spoken if she’d tried.
Beside her, Will looked out at the darkness, his jaw clenched with disappointment and a kind of rage for allowing himself to even hope that she would say yes when he must have known that she would say no.
The insects shrilled into the silence, and for a while there was nothing else but the sound of the ocean beyond the reef and the sadness of knowing that the love and the joy they had shared wasn’t going to be enough.
