by Kristi Gold
Kerry reveled in his warmth, in his compassion. “Oh, I did get even in my own way.” Ways she was too embarrassed to tell him. Nothing major enough to risk ending up in the unemployment line, but a few childish things to give her some measure of satisfaction. Proof positive that you could take the girl off the streets, but you couldn’t take the street out of the girl.
Ford surveyed her face from forehead to chin, his expression sympathetic, not cynical. “I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure, with both your situation at home and with your boss.”
“Again, it’s not your fault.” She reached up and formed her palm to his shadowed jaw. “I’ve learned to tolerate what life throws me, Ford. I’ve had to. But I’ve also learned not to dwell on the past. You just have to move on, otherwise you find yourself too afraid to go forward.” And that hit home right then more than any other time in her life. Tonight she refused to be afraid. She only wanted to experience true freedom from fear, and she knew that Ford Matthews could be the man to help her over that fear.
On that thought, she brushed a kiss over his cheek, then one along his jaw, making her way to the corner of his mouth and stopping there. A subtle suggestion, but it worked. He inclined his head and kissed her, carefully at first, until care gave way to carnal.
After pulling the quilt from her shoulders and tossing it aside, Kerry took Ford with her back onto the remaining blanket without disrupting the kiss. She kept her arms tightly around him while his hands roved down her sides. She wanted so much more, enough to break the kiss and tug the sweater over her head. While he watched, with one hand she reached up to unfasten the bra’s front closure, with the other she guided his palm to her breast. He touched her with innate gentleness, working her nipple between his fingertips for a time before replacing his hand with his mouth.
Kerry tuned in to every sensation, every light flick of his tongue across her nipple, every gentle pull of his lips as she stared up at the misty sky, her hands buried in his thick hair. The infamous San Francisco fog had begun to appear above them in swirls, giving the moon a muted, dreamlike glow. Everything about this night had taken on a surreal quality, but the overwhelming need she now experienced was extremely real.
Ford lifted his head from her breast and stared at her a long moment. “You are so damn beautiful.”
Kerry truly felt beautiful when she noted the approval in his eyes, but that soon turned to concern when he traced a fingertip along the scar spanning from her rib cage to beneath her left breast. “What happened here?”
She’d tried to defend herself and lost. Lost what little had remained of her sense of security, and her innocence. “I’d rather not talk about that now.” Doing so would only resurrect more bitter memories. Tonight she only wanted to make more memories. Good ones.
After shoving the leather jacket from Ford’s broad shoulders, Kerry worked it off his arms and tossed it aside. Then she pulled the tails of his shirt from his jeans, released the buttons and opened it wide to smooth her hands over his chest.
Although he looked somewhat troubled, she also saw a definite fire in his blue eyes. “Kerry, if we don’t stop now, I might not be able to stop.”
“I don’t want you to stop.” She locked into his gaze. “I don’t need any promises. I only need you to touch me again. Everywhere.”
As if his last shred of control had snapped, Ford pulled her to face him, molding his hands to her scalp, holding her in place to accept the provocative play of his tongue against hers. After rolling her onto her back, he moved partially atop her and she could feel his erection pressing against her pelvis. Could feel his heart pounding against her breast where their bodies met without any barriers between them.
Kerry wanted all the barriers gone. She wanted to know how it would feel to have him totally naked against her, inside her. She wanted to know all of him and in turn, learn how it felt to truly make love with a man without reservation or coercion.
He broke the kiss and once more rolled her to face him, settling her head against his shoulder, his warm breath breezing over her ear as he let go a mild oath in a harsh whisper. She celebrated her sudden sense of power. Rejoiced in the fact that she could take him so close to the edge. Only, she was following right behind him.
As Ford claimed her mouth in another tantalizing kiss, he parted her legs with his leg and rubbed against the apex of her thighs. The friction the denim created was both delicious and frustrating. She needed him to touch her without any clothing constraints. Emboldened by her own newly discovered empowerment, she took his hand from the bow of her hip and placed it on her abdomen where her low-riding jeans began below her navel. She hoped he would take the hint, take the initiative to make her wish come true. She feared she wouldn’t get that wish when he pulled his leg from between hers. But when she felt the tug on the jeans’ button, then the slide of her zipper, her optimism rose and so did her heart rate.
He kept one hand tangled in her hair and slid his other palm beneath the backside of her jeans, kneading her bottom through her panties. For Kerry, it wasn’t quite enough so she pushed against him, letting him know exactly where she needed his attention though he probably did know. In order to be assured, she reached between them and tugged on his fly, only to have Ford catch her wrist before she had it undone.
Confused, she looked at him straight-on and saw indecision warring in his eyes, and something else she couldn’t quite identify. “What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice as shaky as her body.
Everything, Ford thought. As badly as he wanted to finish this, he didn’t dare. As badly as he wanted to lose himself deep inside her, he couldn’t do it. Not without losing what was left of his honor.
After tossing the discarded blanket over Kerry to cover her, he sat up, draped his forearms on his bent knees and lowered his eyes to the blanket beneath him.
Kerry’s hand coming to rest on his shoulder was almost his undoing. “If you’re worried about safety, I’ve taken care of that.”
Ford glanced over his shoulder to see her holding a condom that he assumed had been in her pocket. She’d had all the bases covered, and protection hadn’t even crossed his mind. That’s how far gone he’d been. He didn’t know how he had let things get so out of control. Easy. His head had been screwed up the moment he’d laid eyes on her. God help him, he had totally lost his mind, and had damn near lost his principles. Disregarded everything his uncle had taught him about respecting women. Behaved no better than his bastard of a grandfather.
“I’m not like him,” he muttered without thought.
“Like who?”
“Spencer Ashton.”
“I know you’re not like him.”
But he would be if he continued on this course. Right now he had something he had to ask her, before he revealed the truth. But he wasn’t quite ready to face her, so he kept his back turned. “I need to know something, Kerry.”
“If you want to know if I’ve been with a man, yes. But only one. And not by choice.”
Not by choice. “You were…?” He couldn’t even force himself to say the ugly word.
“Raped. For a long time I had a hard time saying it, too. But with the help of counselors and support groups and Millie, and even helping others, I’ve come a long way. It’s something you don’t ever forget, but you move on and get stronger as the years go by. At least I have.”
Ford’s concerns increased and he had to ask, even if he feared the answer. “Was it Spencer Ashton?”
“No. It happened a long time ago, the night I went to live with Millie.”
While she was still fending for herself on the streets, he realized. At the age of sixteen. He was only slightly relieved that his own flesh and blood hadn’t physically assaulted her even though he’d terrorized her in many ways. He honestly wished he knew who had attacked her because right now he wouldn’t think twice about killing him with his bare hands. He’d almost done that very thing to the jerk who’d tried to assault Abby years ago. Still, he’d known for
years how much that event had affected Abby, even if she had rammed her knee into a strategic area before it had been too late, saving herself from Kerry’s fate.
Ford shifted around to face Kerry again, thankful to find that she was completely dressed, her legs crossed before her, her hands fisted on her thighs. “I wish you would have told me sooner.”
She hugged her arms to her breasts. “Would that have made a difference? I mean, you stopped anyway.” She inclined her head and stared at him. “Why did you stop?”
Now for the most difficult question of all, the entire reason why he’d met her in the first place. “I have to know something, Kerry. Did you have anything to do with Spencer Ashton’s murder?”
Her eyes went wide. “Why would you even think that?”
“Because you said they’ve arrested the wrong man. That you found a way to get even with him. And considering what you’ve been through, I couldn’t blame you if you did.”
She let go a humorless laugh. “I got even as in I put salt in his coffee and scheduled his least favorite clients back-to-back. And for your information, I was at my real estate classes in the Bay area the night he was killed. I didn’t even know about it until I came in the next morning.” Awareness mixed with anger reflected from her face. “That’s why you stopped, because you think I’m a murderer?”
He’d stopped because she had no idea who he was, but before he could spit it out, she uncrossed her legs and came to her knees, leaving very little space between them. “Let me tell you something, Ford. I watched a man die once, and he wasn’t considered a good man. In fact, he was a drug dealer. Someone shot him only a few feet away from where I was hanging out. I’ll never forget it. And even though I knew he destroyed lives, I also knew that no one had the right to take his life. Believe me, I could never kill anyone, even if I did hate them with a passion.”
The sincerity in her expression confirmed what Ford had probably known all along—she hadn’t been involved in any way in Spencer’s death. She hadn’t been his mistress, either. “I do believe you. And I’m sorry I doubted you.”
She laid a palm on his arm. “Then can we stop talking and go back to where we were a few moments before?”
After he said what he needed to say, she would probably prefer he go back to Nebraska. “I sure as hell wish we could, but we can’t.”
She dropped her hand and released her frustration on a sigh. “Why not?”
“Because you don’t know me. You don’t know—”
She pressed a fingertip to his lips. “I know all that I need to know. I know you’re a good man. I know that you’ve accepted what I’ve told you about my past without judgment. I also know that I trust you enough to make love with you. It’s taken me a long time to be willing to take that step, and I want to do that with you.”
She might as well have delivered a two-fisted punch to his gut. “You shouldn’t trust me, Kerry, because I’ve been lying to you.”
Her whole frame went rigid. “You’re married.”
“No, I’m not married. But I’m from Nebraska, not Kansas.” The time had come for Ford to lay it on the line. He was more than willing to accept the consequences and her fury. He deserved that much and more. “I’m Spencer Ashton’s grandson.”
Five
T he exhilaration Kerry had experienced only a few short moments ago disappeared like the moonlight now obscured by the fog. She clutched the blanket to her chest as if it provided security as well as cover. “I don’t understand,” she said, although she feared she did.
“My name is Ford Ashton, not Ford Matthews. Grant is my uncle. He raised me. I came to California to try and find out anything I can to clear him.”
The bitter truth came with a stinging bite of betrayal. “Are you telling me that our meeting—”
“Wasn’t an accident. I thought you might have information.”
“You thought I murdered him.” Her voice held an edge of disbelief, exactly what she was feeling at the moment. Disbelief and so many more emotions crowding in on her all at once.
He lowered his gaze once more. “I was told you might be involved because you were Spencer’s mistress.”
“Whoever told you that was dead wrong. I hated the man.”
“I know that now.”
She released a caustic laugh. “This is so rich. You seduced me for the sake of information. I think I would’ve preferred to be held at knife point.”
Finally he looked at her, remorse in his eyes. Probably just another lie, Kerry decided. “I never intended for this to happen,” he said. “You have to believe that, even if you don’t believe anything else.”
“Believe you? Why should I believe anything you say when everything you’ve told me has been a lie?”
“Not everything. I do want you, more than I’ve wanted any woman I can think of. And I care about you, that’s why this is so damn difficult. I didn’t plan on that, either.”
Kerry came to her feet and turned her back to Ford, refastened her bra then pulled the sweater over her head. She then grabbed up the discarded blanket with shaking hands without looking at him. She didn’t want to see his eyes that she’d thought had been honest. See his hands that had touched her so thoroughly and gently.
All lies. What a fool she’d been to trust him. What a stupid, stupid fool.
He moved in front of her, the remaining blanket bunched in his strong arms. “I want to talk about this some more. I want to try to explain.”
No explanation would be good enough, as far as Kerry was concerned. “I have a good mind to make you walk back into the city. But I’m more benevolent than that, although I’m not sure why.”
He streaked a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
She wanted him to say this was all a bad dream. That what they had shared was as pure and true as it had seemed. “I don’t care to hear anything else you have to say. I’m going to take you back to the hotel, and then I’m going to put you and this whole experience out of my mind.” Probably not an easy feat because no matter how much he’d betrayed her, she would never forget him, or the feelings for him that had begun to creep into her heart and soul. Feelings for the man she’d thought him to be.
Without another word, Kerry turned away from Ford, headed back to the Mustang and tossed the blanket into the backseat while he did the same from the passenger side. Once they were in the car, she took off in a rush, not bothering to put up the top on the convertible, leaving behind what she’d thought would be good memories in the dust.
As they drove, the wind bit into her cheeks and numbed her face but unfortunately did nothing to numb the ache in her heart. She tuned the radio to a jazz station and turned the volume high, trying to drown out all the questions running through her mind, without success. Ford didn’t speak at all, didn’t even look at her, and she tried not to look at him although at times her eyes betrayed her. When they stopped at the booth on the bridge, he reached across her to hand the attendant the toll, his arm brushing slightly across her breast. She didn’t want to react to that, didn’t want to remember, but she did.
They continued on in silence as they entered the city and made their way up the hill, first to his hotel where she would leave him behind and then go home, where she might have a good cry. Once she reached the portico in front of the Royalbrook, she stopped the car alongside the curb but didn’t bother to put it in Park. “Good night,” she told him, followed by, “and good luck,” muttering the words with little enthusiasm.
A few moments ticked off and still he didn’t leave. She could feel his gaze on her and sensed he wanted to speak. She doubted he had anything to say that she wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry, Kerry.”
Territory they’d already covered, and Kerry still had a hard time believing it. “Fine. You’re sorry. Great.”
“I hate what I’ve done to you. I hate myself for feeling like I had to do it. I was so damn desperate to get Grant cleared that I woul
d’ve done anything to see that happen. That’s my only excuse.”
Admittedly, she knew all about desperation, but that didn’t excuse him in her mind. “Desperate enough to lie to someone you didn’t even know, and to assume the worst about her?”
“I’m not proud of it.” He reached over and set the gear into Park. “But that much is the truth. Desperation drives people to do things they wouldn’t normally do.”
She shifted to face him and draped one arm over the steering wheel. “All you had to do was tell me the truth. I would have answered your questions.”
“Would you if you’d known I’m an Ashton?”
Probably not, Kerry decided. “I guess we’ll never know, will we?”
He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “I just want you to know that I’ve never done anything like this before.”
And she had never done with any man what she had done with him. “What, pretend you’re someone you’re not? Or pretend you want someone in order to get what you need?”
“You’re an incredible woman, Kerry. When I said I wanted you, it wasn’t a lie.” He reached over and brushed a strand of hair away from her face. “I still do, and that’s the honest-to-God truth.”
With that, he left the car and strode into the hotel. Kerry watched him until she could no longer see him, then with heavy limbs and an even heavier heart, she drove away. Drove home in a mental haze, thankful the streets weren’t all that crowded due to the lateness of the hour.
By the time she walked through the front door, all she wanted was a hot bath and her bed. What she got was Millie sitting regally in her favorite chair, looking expectant. “Did you have a good time, dearest?”
What a joke. “I thought I told you not to wait up.” She hadn’t meant to sound so cross but she couldn’t seem to control her emotions.
“What’s happened, Kerry Ann?” Millie kept her tone even, but it didn’t mask the concern in her eyes.
