“Wait, Alex. I can’t–”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, no, I can't.”
“Yes, you can, yes, you can, yes, you can.”
“I really can’t!”
“You mean you won’t, but you definitely can.”
“Dammit, slow down.” I tried to sound cross or in charge of my own emotions, but the truth was I couldn’t hide the excitement in my voice no matter how much I tried. “Fine, but the least you can do is tell me where we’re going. What are we doing?”
“Nope, not today, Nat. You’re not in control anymore.” He spun around to face me so he was walking backwards as he held onto my hand. It was easy to forget how young he was when he looked at me that way. A whole world of experience and knowledge shone down on me from his eyes, like he’d been here before, or he knew answers to questions that the world hadn’t even begun to form yet. He was hypnotising, and the more sides of him I saw, the more sides of him I felt pressed against my skin, the more I wanted to fall under his spell completely. “This is my day to you. No questions, no expectations. Just you, me, the air we breathe and no scheduled plans. Let’s see what surprises await us.”
His grip on me tightened as he guided me to where he wanted me to go, and no matter how much doubt tried to claw its way into my mind, it was washed out completely by his touch. The touch that had total control over me, and the touch that I never wanted to let me go.
“Just one day.” I smiled.
Alex winked before he turned back around and fell in line by my side. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from that look he was wearing, and something told me that no matter how many times I told him that it would just be for today, what I was about to enter into was going to be a much longer contract than I could ever have imagined.
I just couldn’t find it in me to give a damn about the consequences of any of it.
Not one single damn at all.
SEVEN
“Favourite food?”
“Italian,” I answered, looking down at the grass beneath my body as I plucked a few blades before watching them fall from the tips of my fingers, back down to the ground. “Or maybe Mexican.”
“Favourite curse word?”
“Really?”
“That’s not a curse word.”
“You’re so literal, you know?”
“And you’re so evasive.”
I sighed – a little too dramatically, actually – but I sighed anyway. “Knob.”
His smirk was small, but definitely noticeable. “Good choice. If you could be any animal, what would you be?”
I sucked in a breath, smiling as I turned to face him. Alex was sprawled on his back, his hands tucked behind his head as the sun heated his skin. I was lying beside him on my chest, propped up on my elbows so I could catch a glimpse of him whenever the mood took me. I wrinkled my nose in thought, looking up at the sky for inspiration before turning my attention back to him.
“Something that could take me high in the sky and get me closer to Lizzy. Something with wings. A butterfly. Maybe a small bird,” I whispered.
“All cute and fuzzy.” He grinned.
“And waddly.”
“Why little? Why not something huge that could soar and be seen from miles away by hundreds of people?”
“You think I want to be seen?”
“I think you deserve to be.”
I smiled brighter, unable to contain the happiness I felt at being beside him. “I’m happy being in the background. I believe the bigger a person’s presence in the world, the lonelier they are. People fear them. I can imagine that’s very isolating.”
Alex paused, his eyes narrowing only a fraction while he contemplated my answer before his head eventually rolled my way.
“But we’re not talking about people. We’re talking about winged things. I doubt they have the same irrational jealousy issues that humans have. If you were small, you’d become prey for so many animals. Imagine how dangerous that would be. I think I’d prefer it if you were, like, an eagle or something.”
“An eagle?”
“So you’d stay safe.”
“You don’t have to be big to be able to take care of yourself, just aware of your surroundings and know your own strengths.”
His eyes searched mine for what felt like an incredibly long time. I thought he was about to protest and turn this into a debate, but the moment I saw his smirk break free and he twisted his head back in the direction of the sun, I sighed quietly in relief.
“I’d still prefer you to be an eagle.”
Plucking up a few blades of grass, I huffed out a small laugh and threw them over his face, watching as they fell down in a shower over both his cheeks. “You be an eagle if it bothers you so much. Then you can swoop in and protect me every time my weak little pigeon ankles give way or something.”
“I’m more of a–”
“Let me guess,” I interrupted, leaning a little closer and lowering my voice. “You’d be a lion, a tiger, a bear.”
Alex’s hands reached out for my shoulders, and between one breath and the next, he had spun us around and pinned me down on the ground beneath him. The rush of air that poured out of my chest sounded more painful than it was, but the moment my eyes flickered open to look up at him hanging over me, all I saw was the way the sky framed his face completely.
“Oh my,” he finished for me.
“That was my line,” I wheezed, bringing both my hands to my chest as I tried desperately not to look nervous.
“I stole it.”
My teeth clamped down on my bottom lip as soon as I noticed the shift in the tone of his voice, and all the blood my body possessed suddenly seemed to be rushing to my head and making me dizzy. “It’s a good job I like you. I’ll let you keep it.”
“Can I keep you instead?” he asked. When the back of his hand brushed my cheek, I had to close my eyes and remind myself how to breathe.
“Yes,” I whimpered softly.
“Open your eyes, Natalie.”
I did exactly as I was told. I always did around him.
“Rule number one: If you’re going to be a small bird, don’t give yourself over to a big bad wolf so easily.” His grin was immediate, his eyes flickering to the heat on my cheeks as he continued to watch me grow warmer and warmer beneath him.
“You’re a wolf?” I asked, raising a brow.
“It’s in my DNA.”
“I think you’re more of a puppy.” I smirked, trying to hold in the laughter.
“Don’t make me hurt you.” He smiled. “Don’t let the wolf have you.”
“What if I want him to have me?”
“You want to get hurt?”
“No.” I shook my head against the grass, staring up at him as innocently as I could. “But what if I believe that the big bad wolf isn’t as big and bad as he believes himself to be? What if, if he allowed me to, I could show him that we’re both made of the same stuff inside and that maybe we could be friends once he sees that we’re not so different?”
Alex frowned, tilting his head ever so slightly to one side as he studied me before raising a brow. “You think the wolf is going to pause for long enough to hear you out about all that?”
“I do.”
“I think you’re being a little optimistic with that one.”
“I don’t. He’s a wolf. He’s all ego and growls. He’s curious – curious to know more about himself, even though he hides it behind all his bravado.”
“And what makes you so sure he’d stop to ask you questions, little chick?”
“Because…” I brought a knee up between his legs, moving so slowly he couldn’t feel me until it was too late. “He just did.”
I reacted quickly, pushing my head forward until my lips connected with his to stun him. His groan of surprise purred against my mouth, but not before I had a chance to raise my knee up higher, push his shoulders back and roll
him off me completely. Alex’s limbs were limp by the time I’d switched places with him, and when I finally towered over his body so he was the one trapped beneath me, I couldn’t stop the huge grin that spread across my face as my blonde hair fell down to curtain us both.
“Jesus Christ.” He winced.
I laughed quietly, biting my lip to make sure I didn’t appear too smug.
“Hey, wolfboy. How’s life beneath the weak little chick?”
“Painful,” he groaned.
“I thought you were a predator. Strong and dangerous.”
He pushed his head back into the ground, stretching his neck as he scrunched his eyes together. “I got taken out by the Karate Kid of birds.”
My laughter roared free that time, and I couldn’t even try to remember the last time my muscles had ached from happiness alone. “I never knew wolves could be so dramatic.”
“Yeah, well…” He lifted his head and blinked rapidly. “I never knew how much I feared winged things before now.”
Pushing up from his chest, I sat across his waist, grabbed his hands and pulled him up with me. I should have been aware that I’d never been this intimate with a boy before. I should have felt some kind of rush of anxiety or nerves. But the only thing I felt was comfortable, and it wasn’t about the kisses, or the holding of hands. It wasn’t about him belonging to me after today or me wanting to be his and his alone.
Just one day.
That’s all that it was. I was taking the moment with both hands and giving it life in my palms. I was taking all the mental notes I needed to as he sat up with me straddled across his lap and cradled my back to support me. I was memorising the rise and fall of his chest as he gathered his breaths. I was committing his freckles, the flecks of dark and light brown in his eyes to memory. I was breathing him in, all of him. The way he looked, smelled, the way his muscles tightened around me like they owned me and didn’t want to let me fall.
Just one day.
I had one day to make this special and for once, I didn’t feel guilty about wanting to enjoy it.
There sat a sixteen-year-old boy with a sixteen-year-old girl in his arms. Neither one of us knew much about the other. I wasn’t even sure if we wanted to, but as I stared into his eyes and struggled to contain my smile, I felt happy.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” I eventually spoke, cutting through the silence.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
I shook my head carefully. “You didn’t.”
“No?”
“Nuh huh.”
“Give me time. I’ll forget to be gentle soon enough.”
My frown tried to ruin the moment, but I quickly pushed it away, instead choosing to break eye contact with him as I looked around the rest of the park where we’d come to spend the day. Even though it was midweek, the first signs of spring sunshine had brought the British people out in full force, and parents pushed their toddlers around aimlessly while teenagers used the day to skip school, much like we had, and flash their midriffs and biceps to the unsuspecting older members of our society. Dogs yelped and chased balls. Men sat on park benches reading their newspapers. It was all so typical, all so British, and all so regular, but in the middle of all that normality were Alex and me.
I had no idea what we were or what category we fit into, but I knew we were anything but regular. I knew I liked being a part of anything that involved him.
“I want ice cream.” I smiled.
His hands slipped to my waist where they held me in place as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine.
“Didn’t I tell you you’re not in control today?”
“But…”
“No buts.”
“Okay,” I whispered quietly. There were little flecks and patterns in the colour of his eyes and I had no shame in admitting that I studied them so intently I could see the precision of their beauty when I closed my eyes later that night. “So what do you have planned for me?”
“Ice cream.” He grinned, releasing the full effects of his smile to his one-woman audience.
I slapped his chest playfully and somehow managed to tear my gaze away from him. “I think you take too much pleasure in teasing me.”
“I’m finding myself taking pleasure in anything that involves you, Natalie. Anything at all.”
My heart started beating faster, my blood flowed wilder, and the tingling in my toes grew stronger, yet all the while, there was an undercurrent of fear that suddenly started trying to reach for the panic button in my mind.
I was losing more and more control with every word he spoke to me.
And I knew the danger that that brought with it. Loving meant losing.
Sliding away from him, I let my hands fall to the grass behind me while my eyes found a tree in the distance to focus on.
“I’ve never sat this way with a boy before,” I admitted. “In fact, I’ve never really kissed a boy before you, apart from a few awkward mouth bumps with Jamie Kendall in years seven and eight.”
“Jamie Kendall?”
“The one with the Mohican now. He wears those chains on his jeans that he doesn’t stop spinning over and over again during chemistry lessons.”
“The dude with the skull piercing in his nose?”
“Yeah.” I grimaced, still refusing to make eye contact.
“Should I be jealous?”
Jealous. Wasn’t that a ridiculous thought that anyone could be jealous over anything to do with me? I blinked against the sunshine before turning back to face him. The weight of my words felt heavy, mainly because they were tinged with a drop of dread and a whole tablespoon of nerves.
“I don’t know, Alex. I don’t know if you should be or will be because I’m not sure of anything around you. You make me feel so…”
“Alive?”
“Yes.”
Pushing forward, he placed his hands on my thighs again and tilted his head to one side. “That’s all I want, Nat. That means I’m doing all this right.”
“And what is this?”
“This is us.”
“Us?”
“Alexander and Natalie. Natalie and Alex. Just us.”
“Just us?” I grinned.
“Nat. Alex.” He shrugged. “Us.”
“Natexus,” I whispered through a shy smile.
“Natexus,” he repeated back to me. “I like that.”
“Me, too.”
And that was that as far as serious conversations went that day. We ate ice cream and walked the entire loop of the park six times before heading to a bridge that overlooked a stream. We talked about the way ducks looked so calm on the surface but paddled away furiously beneath the water, and how it related so much to teenage years and this little old thing called life. We joked, we laughed, and we held hands for a while then parted ways far too soon.
But not once did we mention us again. Not once did we try to place a definition or an image next to this new word that we’d invented. Even though a part of me desperately wanted to try to claim him as my own, a rather larger part won out in the end – the part that was trying to live for today instead of tainting the beautiful moments with the damned.
Alex Law had wings, even though he didn’t know it yet. He was born to fly and be seen by everyone. He was here to make the blank canvas of the sky more appealing for the rest of the world.
He was an eagle in the making.
I just hadn’t found a way to tell him that he was the reason I chose an animal with wings, because if ever I was going to dream of a future that would make me happy, I was almost certain it would involve flying right alongside him, beneath him, forever in his shadow.
That was where I felt safe.
EIGHT
It seemed that my resistance and uncertainty had always been futile. Alex had suddenly become more important to me than I could ever have predicted. There wasn’t any way I could stop it, or even slow it down for that matter, nor did I want to. One minute he was a pleasant, shining distra
ction from my grief, and the next, he was the reason I woke up each morning with a smile on my face. He was the reason I began to feel comfortable closing my eyes at night because I no longer feared the nightmares that used to wait for me in sleep. Those, although still present on occasion, were becoming rare as dreams of a girl and boy lying together, rolling around in parks and walking home hand in hand began to take over. The light was outweighing the dark, and it was only just beginning to dawn on me how long I’d been stumbling around in the fog for.
It wasn’t just because of Elizabeth’s death, but because of my own stubbornness, too. I’d spent so much time feeling guilty for wanting anything, when my sister, for the majority of her life, had struggled with the restrictions of her faulty heart. My childhood had been happy, despite my constant worry. It had been filled with smiles and laughter, love and comfort – all the things a young girl growing up could ever wish for, but I had always felt bad taking my parents’ attention when Lizzy needed it more. I felt guilty for being the healthy one when she was a much better human being than I could ever dream of being. She was my idol and none of it had ever made any sense. I didn’t deserve a future when she couldn’t have one. I’d been young when I’d made the decision to lock myself away and stay in my bubble. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I’d always been alive, yet sleeping, not wasting any time on anything other than wishing for a miracle that would save my sister.
When she died, I’d never imagined anyone would be able to change the default setting in my mind, but then he came along. He came along and he changed everything.
The more Alex woke me up, the more he forced me to think and made me feel safe, the more I realised just how much of a lifeless nobody I’d always been before him. I had never known what made my heart race with excitement and adrenaline until now. I’d never known how much I enjoyed taking note of all the little things in the world, the things that surrounded me every day, or the life that beat all around.
Alex was responsible for that.
I’d never had someone outside the family, not even a girl, who came by my house on an evening, just to lay on my bed with me, talk and keep me company. Alex’s fingers would stroke the length of my hair tenderly while I rested under his arm, showing him all the pictures of Lizzy and I growing up together. He would ask questions, push me to think, and offer me opinions on life from his viewpoint. He never looked bored, not even when I, myself, got bored of my own stories. He never looked anything other than interested, curious, and dare I say it, content. When he was around, I found a way to use my voice. I’d never been suppressed by anyone other than myself, but I guess I’d never really felt the need to sparkle too brightly, either.
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