Because I loved him.
“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Get me out of these wet clothes, please.”
When I opened my eyes again, his face had changed completely. Gone was the unsure boy of seventeen years old. He had been replaced by a man who had no doubts about what was about to happen. I took a step back and let my arms drop down by my sides so he could see me properly for the first time. My hair was limp, weighed down from the rain. My mascara was no doubt streaking down my face, and my clothes hung heavy, weighing me down.
Shrugging his shoulders out of his jacket, Alex let it slide to the floor behind him before he took a step closer. I focused on those eyes of his while he searched every part of my body as though he was committing it to memory for the rest of his life.
His palms soon found my bare stomach and he watched his own hands as they moved against me, gliding over my waist before slipping around to my spine and then back again. Every movement he made was precise and slow, and my skin reacted instinctively, flaring to life beneath his touch.
I waited patiently, lost in the vision of him becoming lost in his exploration of me. My heart was hammering to escape the confines of my chest, but I ignored it. I ignored all my reactions in favour of his.
Alex’s hands began to travel north, up and over the edges of my cropped top until his fingers hit the curve of my breasts. I hitched in a breath at the feel of him there, but he never wavered in his journey north, continuing up to my shoulders. The tenderness in his touch was like a blanket of reassurance everywhere he went. He was going to look after me. He was going to be gentle. He was going to treasure what I was handing over to him.
Sliding his fingertips under my shirt, he began to push it down my arms as carefully as he could, exposing more flesh and forcing an unstoppable shiver to roll over my skin.
“Sorry,” I muttered in weak apology.
He smiled lazily as he pulled the soaked material off me completely and let it fall to the floor. “You’re perfect.” Then he dropped a kiss to each side of my neck as his hands ventured back down the same path they’d just travelled. Dragging his nails up my arms, he brought them down over my breasts until I was being held at the waist all over again. My stomach clenched tight and my head rolled back as I became his property. “You’re so perfect.”
Parting my lips, I released a shaky breath.
“Promise me something,” he breathed against my jaw in between small, gentle kisses.
“Anything.”
“Promise me you want this as much as I do. Tell me you’re not just doing this for me.”
There were no words that could express what I felt for him, so I did the only thing I could do to assure him I wanted it even more than he did. Lifting my hands to his, I moved them around to the button on my jeans and looked back up into his eyes. Holding his fingers in place, I motioned for him to undress me fully, and when they twitched against my midriff, unbuttoning and unzipping me from the confines of my jeans, I knew I had him where I wanted him. Together, with our eyes locked, we rolled down the edges of my jeans. I held on to Alex’s shoulders as he carefully pulled my feet out of my shoes, then out of the wet fabric until all I was left in was my underwear.
His hands found my ankles quickly, and his palms slid all the way up the backs of my legs until he was standing before me again and his fingertips were pushing up inside the edges of my knickers.
“When did you get so confident?” Alex asked, still grinning lazily.
“Since you brought me out of my bubble.”
“So full of surprises,” he breathed.
“I know what I want. This is the first time I've ever really known.”
Reaching up to the top button of his shirt, I began to unfasten them all to allow the fabric to fall open. Copying his movements on me, I explored every inch of his chest as slowly as I could, relishing the feel of the trail of goosebumps I left on his skin wherever I chose to go. Everything I’d ever thought I’d known about Alex before that night disappeared out of the window. He was stronger than ever with the body of a man now. Only, this man had scars on his skin. Scars I’d never seen before and scars that instantly made a small pool of tears gather in my eyes. I didn’t have to ask how they'd gotten there. I already knew.
As I pushed his black shirt down his arms, I dropped a kiss to each and every blemish I could see, but it was impossible to miss the way his body tensed beneath me.
“Don’t do that,” I mumbled quietly against his warm skin. “You’re perfect, too. We’re both made up of scars, Alex. You just can’t see mine.”
Sliding my hands across the waistband of his jeans, I unfastened him and freed him from his clothes the exact same way he had done to me. This was a mutual act we were both a part of. I didn’t want him to save me and he didn’t want me to save him. We just wanted each other and both of us were prepared to take it as slowly as possible.
Our first time together was only ever going to happen once.
I almost didn’t want it to begin, because for something to begin, it meant that at some point, it would also have to end.
When I traced my fingers back up his body, I reached up to wrap my hands around his shoulders and find the hair at the nape of his neck. Then I kissed him for a change. I pressed my wet, almost naked body against his and I kissed Alex like I’d wanted to kiss him since the first day I met him.
He wasted no time in wrapping himself around me. It felt like he was everywhere, my skin coming to life wherever he went until I was burning hot in his grip and desperate for more. I didn’t truly know what more meant. All I knew was that kissing and hands and touching… it wasn’t enough. I wanted to crawl inside him, live and breathe him. I wanted the ache and ball of tension in my stomach to be dealt with in a way it had never been dealt with before. The electricity in my toes was almost violent, forcing me to push up even more until a moan of both frustration and appreciation escaped the back of my throat. As soon as Alex heard it, he groaned back in return, and my name fell from his lips in a mumbled mess as I refused to break away.
In one swift motion, his hands found the backs of my thighs, his fingers digging into my flesh before he lifted me up, smacking my body against his until my legs were around his waist again. I could feel his arousal beneath me, and I wanted to be closer to it, to have Alex inside of me. My hips rocked back and forth in his grip, brushing over the tip of his erection, every breath becoming louder until it felt like I was going to scream from the frustration of wanting him.
The grunts and groans soon turned into growls as his fingers dug further into the cheeks of my arse.
“Natalie.”
“I want this,” I panted in assurance. “I need you.”
“God, I need you, too. But…”
Pulling away, I gripped his hair and tugged it back until he was forced to look up at me. Alex’s mouth hung open as he struggled to catch his breath, but he never stopped moving my body against him, not even when I moved my lips to his ear and whispered quietly, “Let me have you.”
“It’s your first time?” he said, like it was a question. He already knew the answer.
“I was always going to be yours to take. I don't want anybody else. Just you.”
Moving slowly, he began to walk us both across the creaky wooden floor. His eyes were stuck on mine the whole time and I couldn’t have cared less where he was taking me. I knew that the two of us were exchanging so many words without saying anything at all. He thought I could do better; I knew I could do so much worse. He worried I would regret it in the morning; I was certain, beyond all doubt, that I’d never regret this for the rest of my existence.
When Alex’s knees hit a small sofa I hadn’t even known was there, I didn’t move. I just stared down at him and waited patiently. Eventually, he began to lower me down into the middle of a collection of small cushions. I was still wrapped around him completely while he towered over me and kept me safe from everything except him.
“You okay?” he whispered.
“Perfect.”
Lifting himself from me, Alex pulled away until he was on his knees. His palms travelled the whole way down my legs until they reached my ankles. Then he began to unwrap my limbs from around him, gently letting them fall on either side of his body as he caressed the insides of my thighs and found my underwear. He glanced up at me through hooded eyes one last time, his silence seeking my permission, and I gave him my final nod of absolute certainty. I wanted to be naked for him. I wanted him to see and want all of me.
He wasted no time in stripping me bare. With a small lift of my hips, the material was slipping down my legs and being unhooked from my ankles like the two of us had done this together a thousand times before. The hunger in his eyes silently sang a million love songs to me once I was naked, and for the first time in my life, I truly began to understand how a single look could kill someone. I wanted to burn in the fire and desire he was showing me.
Leaning closer, he raised my arms over my head and reached for the edge of my crop top. I inhaled sharply as a small wave of nervous tension rolled down my spine, but when I locked eyes with him again and smiled, he slid the material over my head, lifting me up just enough to free it from my shoulders until I was completely naked and exposed beneath him.
His hands fell to my hair first as he brushed all the wet strands away from my cheeks with a tenderness that only made me love him even more. His thumbs brushed the makeup and rain away from beneath my eyes as he took a moment to stare down at me with his head tilted to one side.
There wasn't anything else for me to do but watch him watching me.
“I wish you knew what I felt for you,” he breathed out through barely parted lips.
“I wish I did, too.”
“I wish I could tell you.”
“Show me.”
Alex smiled and his eyes fell to my mouth again as he reached back around to push the waistband of his boxer shorts down. My feet rose to help him, pushing the material down, freeing him of the last piece of fabric that was standing in our way. I didn’t look down. I didn’t need to see him or his body the way he seemed to need to study mine. I only needed to feel him, and when he finally pressed himself on top of me and positioned his body between my legs, I revelled in how perfect it felt to have him there.
We stayed there kissing for a while, the build up slow, almost torturous. With every twist of his hips or mine, his erection nudged against me, teasing me in ways that only made that knot of pleasurable anxiety tighten to the point where it rendered me immobile beneath him.
Our moans became impossibly louder. At times, I felt like I was screaming his name before he’d even entered me at all. The wet skin on our bodies slid together, never drying as we created our own heat and sweat, refusing to part for anything or anyone at all. I could have stayed that way forever, pulling on the ends of his hair, kissing his lips, massaging his tongue with mine as I dragged my nails over the well-defined muscles of his shoulders and back. But the longer it went on, the more urgent we became. My name fell from his lips so many times, it almost sounded like worship. He’d always cared for me, looked after me and treasured whatever I’d chosen to give him, but what we were going through, right then, eclipsed everything we’d ever done together and probably ever would do in the future.
I felt cherished by his hands and I felt loved by his words.
When he whispered in my ear that he needed me desperately, Alex brought his forehead to mine and breathed my name one last time. My hips rose to close the gap. I'd never been more certain of anything, and when he finally pushed himself inside of me, I stopped breathing, my mouth falling open in absolute wonder. It was agonisingly slow at first, just the tip of him opening me up, and the pain enough for me to claw at his back without thought. The reality of what was happening forced us to pause, as if we both wanted our first moment together to last forever.
Looking up into his eyes, I blinked quickly and tried to control my breathing. I was waiting for him to ask me if I was sure, or for some flash of doubt to flicker across his face the way it usually did, but all I saw there was a mirror image of everything that was going on inside of me.
We felt natural together.
A perfect fit.
More right than I could have ever imagined this moment feeling with anybody else.
I wanted more.
The emotion bubbled in my chest, and it all happened so fast, I had no chance to register or stop the tear that slowly slipped out of the corner of one eye. Alex saw it, too, but he didn’t panic the way I expected. He simply lowered his lips to my face and kissed the tear away. Within a second, his mouth was on mine again and everything felt magical. The kiss was a reminder that he was here for me, and the way I pulled him closer was a reminder to him that I already knew.
I was the one to make the first move, and with another small raise of my hips, I invited him in further, swallowing down his groan of pleasure as it fell into my mouth.
I’d never tasted anything better in my entire life.
As we stayed in that summerhouse, making love for the very first time, I had a feeling that I would never taste anything as good ever, ever again.
We were making history. I just prayed to someone I didn't even know existed that there would be a small chance of this forever being my present with him, too.
FOURTEEN
The sound of a mobile phone ringing woke me from my blissful sleep. I moaned in protest, letting my arm drape down the side of the sofa as I tried to ignore the noise.
“Ugh.”
“Mmm.”
“Not yet.”
“Mmmm.”
“Fu–”
“Shh.”
“I should get that,” Alex’s voice croaked, drifting over me.
I was caught in that place between the dream world and reality – the place where everything was still perfect, only everything also felt a little too real.
The hand around my waist pulled me back until I was pressing up against his body even more than before. It was only when I cracked one eye open and allowed the harsh light to attack me as it filtered in through the dusty windows that the memories of where I was and who I was with came flooding back.
The smell of pine.
The smell of rain-soaked clothes.
The smell of the fresh blanket he’d covered us with before we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The smell of him, of Alex.
He was still with me.
The smile that broke free instantly made my cheeks hurt, but as my legs slid together and I pulled him closer, I soon realised that my face wasn’t the only thing that was tender.
We’d made love last night. Perfectly, too.
My stomach flipped as the memories of us together flashed through my mind and I couldn’t think of a time when I’d ever felt happier than I did right then.
It was almost dangerous to feel so high. I knew the only way was down after that.
The ringing stopped suddenly and silence filled the air once again until a few birds outside sang their morning songs and cut through it.
“Good morning,” I moaned sleepily, still turned away from him. I had no doubts that I would look my worst the morning after the night before, but I also found it very hard to care. It was like I was still drunk, and I had no shame in admitting I was. I was just drunk off him, nothing else.
Alex curled himself around me even more, planting a kiss on the tip of my shoulder. “Morning, Natalie Vincent.”
“Please. We're friends. Call me Nat.” I chuckled, closing my eyes only briefly to enjoy the feel of him. The vibrating and ringing of the phone pulled me out of my bubble for the second time in a matter of minutes.
“Dammit.” He sighed.
“Everything okay?”
“Everything will be fine.” His hand ran up and down the top of my arm, and if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he was reassuring himself rather than me.
“Will be
?” I asked nervously as I turned around in his grip and looked over my shoulder. In the morning sunlight, Alex looked beyond amazing.
“I should take the call.”
And just like that, he was gone. With a swift but careful lift of my legs, he was out of our embrace and I was left lying on my back, pulling the blanket up to my chest as I watched his naked body saunter across the summerhouse.
I looked away from him. I had to. My eyes found the ceiling as I tried not to panic and think about what was about to happen. Last night I’d been so sure that I could handle anything and everything so long as I got my one moment with him, but there, staring up at nothing at all, I realised that that was like a clean person saying they’d only need to take heroin just the once.
“Hello?” he answered with no enthusiasm at all.
I couldn't hear who was on the other end of the line, or even what they were saying, but I had my suspicions.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” he apologised. “Just out. I was out. No, I know that.”
Forcing myself to turn his way, I watched him, crouched down on the floor, burying his hand through the thickest parts of his unruly hair. “I can't talk right now. Calm down. I'll be home soon. We can talk about it then.”
Glancing over his shoulder, he flashed me a sad smile that I was sure was meant to reassure me. It didn’t. It only fed my sudden worry.
“No,” he whispered, facing forward again. “No, I wasn’t with... No. I was out with the guys. Like I said, we’ll talk about this later. I’ll be an hour at the most. Fine, thirty minutes.”
As soon as he’d ended the call, Alex dropped his chin to his chest and sucked in a breath to steady himself.
“You have to go,” I said, stating the obvious.
He nodded weakly.
“Is everything okay?”
“We need to leave. Paul or someone else could find us any minute.”
“Sure.” I gulped, swallowing the rest of my questions away and curling my fingers even tighter into the blanket that covered me.
Alex got to work speedily then. His hands moved fast as he scurried around the room and snatched up all his clothes. I opened my mouth to say something many times, but nothing came out. In the time it took for him to put his damp jeans and shirt back on, all I’d managed to do was swing my legs off the edge of the sofa and sit upright. My whole body ached. I was sore, but I didn’t want to let him see any of my pain. The truth was, I was already beginning to hurt inside way more than I was ever going to hurt on the outside. The outside pain was a nice reminder of how close he had been. The inside stuff was a horrible bout of anxiety that was warning me of where he was about to go.
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