by T L Swan
“Natasha,” I call out to her. She sees me and runs over and crumples into my arms in a fit of tears. This girl is beautiful, on the inside more than the outside.
“Adrian,” she cries. “Where is he? I need to see him.”
I wrap her in my arms, even I’ve missed this beautiful girl. “I’ll take you to him, baby.” I nod to my bodyguard to take care of the coffee and I take her hand and lead her to the lifts to see him. We approach his room. Amelie lifts her head and glares at Natasha. My anger rises. I could just knock this bitch’s head off. Natasha doesn’t say anything but frowns at me. I lead her to his room and open the door. The doctor turns to us.
Cameron nervously looks at Natasha. “Dr, this is Joshua’s wife Natasha.”
She smiles and slightly frowns as she holds out her hand to shake his. “Your husband has taken a cocaine overdose. We have stabilised him and put him into an induced coma but he is not out of the woods just yet.” She nods as she tries to hold in the tears. She leans over Joshua and embraces him as she breaks into sobs on his chest. Both Cameron and I tear up at her obvious devastation. This is hard to watch.
Natasha
“Joshua. My god, what have you done?” I cry into his chest as sobs wrack my body. The doctor leaves and I turn to cuddle Cameron who is just as distraught as me. My eyes flick to Adrian. “What happened, how did this happen?” I sob.
Adrian hunches his shoulders. “We are not sure, but we think it was accidental.”
My eyes go back to my broken love. “Does he use cocaine regularly?” I ask as I gently run my hands over his forehead.
Cameron frowns. “No, not regularly. Tash, this was an accident. He has been down lately. He would have just been trying to get through the day.”
Realisation hits me. “This is all my fault,” I sob.
I turn back to Joshua, my beautiful Josh. He is nearly unrecognisable to me. He has tubes coming out of him everywhere and is hooked up to machines. He is a lot thinner than when I last saw him and pale—he has no colour. He has a beard, probably around two or three weeks growth. He’s been neglecting himself, as I have. We are as bad as each other—I have never looked like such a sack of shit in my life.
I put my head back down on his chest and sob. “I’m so sorry Josh. I didn’t know what to do. My dad said it was wrong and then he died,” I sob out loud. “And then I lost you. I was so deep in grief I couldn’t see straight, and now you’ve done this, and it’s all my fault.”
Adrian walks over behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Tash, this isn’t your fault, and it has been a terrible string of circumstances. Ones that have been out of your control. Josh doesn’t blame you—he understands. He is just not handling things well at the moment, but he will get better and now you are here you can work things out together.”
I nod as I wipe my eyes and turn back to look Joshua. “You’re right, he has to get better.” A sudden burst of anger breaks through. “Do you hear me Joshua … don’t you dare think about dying. You can’t leave me … not now. You fight this … do you hear me. So help me god, Joshua Stanton … I mean it, listen to me.” I break back down into a fit of tears Dear god let him be ok, this is such a mess.
Cameron walks back over and pulls me into his arms. “He needs you to be calm Tash. We are trying to regulate his heartbeat, being irrational will not help the cause.”
I nod, he’s right. Calm … I need to keep calm. I nod and pull away from Cameron and immediately pull a chair to sit next to the bed. I need to find some inner strength and I need to find it fast. I grab Joshua’s hand and kiss the back of it and put my head down and start to silently pray. Please pull through, please pull through. About three hours later I find myself leaning forward with my head resting on Joshua’s upper arm. I am somewhere in between sleep and delirium when I jump with a start as the nurse and doctor enter the room. I quickly stand to allow the doctor greater access. He checks Joshua over and reads his chart.
He gives me a warm smile. “Mrs Stanton, it seems you have a positive effect on your husband. His vitals indicate a promising result and I think he is going to be ok, he has passed the worst of it. It will be a few days but it seems all is well. We are going to start bringing him out of his sedation.” A wave of gratitude washes over me and my face breaks into a huge smile. I run immediately to the door and out into the waiting lounge where I see Cameron and Adrian.
“He’s going to be ok,” I gasp. They both stand in a rush to cuddle me and the three of us stand embracing each other. We stand still, united and exceedingly grateful. It is then I notice Amelie standing in the corner of the room alone.
I turn to her and smile. “He’s going to be ok Amelie.” She nods nervously and gives me a weak smile. Cameron then picks me up and twirls me around and I laugh out loud. He carries me back into Joshua’s room to see the doctor himself. The doctor smiles warmly at Cameron and shakes his hand and Cameron excitedly grabs him in an embrace, forget the handshake. Adrian walks in behind us.
“It looks as though he is through the worst of it. We are going to keep him lightly sedated for the next twenty-four hours just to keep his vitals down. Mrs Stanton, do you want to stay the night or are you going home?”
“I will be staying, if that’s ok,” I smile.
He smiles and nods. “I will organise a bed to be brought in for you then.”
“Thank you Dr,” I reply as he leaves the room.
“Why did you tell them we are married?” I ask Cameron.
He looks sullen. “Because I knew if it got bad and they were going to lose him they would have asked you to leave and you wouldn’t have had a say in anything. Joshua would want you with him more than anybody else. I did it for him, not for you.”
I give him a weak smile. “Sorry Cam. I haven’t dealt with this shit very well, have I?” He shakes his head. “No, you haven’t and neither has he—he’s been a total nightmare.”
Adrian must have sensed Cameron’s underlying anger at how I’ve treated Joshua and he butts in.“She’s here now and everything is going to be fine. Isn’t it Tash?” He puts his arm reassuringly around me.
I smile and turn to Adrian as he wraps his arms around me. “Thank you for looking after him for me. I appreciate you guys being such good friends to Joshua. God if anything happened to him.” I shiver in horror I can’t even bear to think of the consequences. My tears start again. “I’m such an idiot. How could I have treated him so terribly? I just left him and told him I never wanted to see him again, after all we had been through to be together.” Guilt fills me, I don’t deserve him, but to be fair I could never have predicted what the future was going to hold. I was totally blinded by grief. A nurse re-enters the room and injects something into his drip. “What are you giving him?” I ask.
“Diazepam, this will keep him sedated to keep his body temperature down and even.”
“Tash our mum and dad are on their way with our brothers. Prepare yourself—she’s going to be fuming mad and I’m pretty sure it will be aimed at you,” Cameron sighs.
“She came to Sydney to see me and asked me to come to Joshua. She was worried about him and it seems she had a good reason to be,” I whisper. “This is all my fault.”
Cameron and Adrian exchange glances. “She asked you to come to Joshua?” Cameron frowns.
“Ripley’s believe it or not?” I do wide eyes at him. “What’s Amelie’s problem?” I ask Adrian.
Adrian’s eyes drop to Joshua and he hunches his shoulders. “You, I expect. It’s no secret she’s in love with Joshua.”
”Adrian.” Cameron snaps. “Stay out of it.”
I narrow my eyes. “It’s ok. I already know, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that. He loves her as well.”
Cameron and Adrian frown. “No, he doesn’t. He loves you Tash,” Cameron stammers. My eyes drop to my beautiful unconscious man before me. “I know he loves me, it’s ok boys. I’m ok, I can’t blame her for loving him … loving him is easy. It’s th
e walking away from him that’s hard.”
They both give me a sad smile and nod. “We will give you some privacy.” And with that they disappear out of the room.
Chapter 2
I lie on my fold-up bed next to my so-called husband … I only wish that he was. A nurse comes and checks on him every thirty minutes. His breathing is regulated and the monitor’s constant beeping is strangely comforting. I know his heart is still beating and he’s still with me. It’s late at night and the hospital is silent. Thank heavens for Cameron’s quick thinking with the wife thing or I would have been ushered out with the others at ten pm. Cameron is in the hospital somewhere, refusing to go home in case I need him. My mind wanders back to the night I met his friends at his house when there was a tray of cocaine on the coffee table. Is this Joshua’s normal? Is he a cocaine addict? His out-of-control partying and stripper days are a constant reminder of his unruly past but just how deep that runs I have no idea. I know that a lot of wealthy socialites start out taking it to party but because there is no money restraint it very quickly turns into a very real problem in their daily life. Has my beautiful man got an ugly habit that I am unaware of? I troll my brain for any evidence. I knew his friends took cocaine but I honestly would never have known he would have had anything to do with it He’s a fitness fanatic … mmm, maybe that’s why he’s a fitness fanatic, to keep him on the straight and narrow, to keep himself on track. He is excessive with it, like … over-dedicated. Why do I have to look for a reason behind everything? Stop thinking like a psychologist, Natasha, don’t do it to yourself. I stand up and lean over him and I smile. He’s beautiful, nothing has changed. I lean and gently kiss his lips.
“Wake up sleeping beauty,” I whisper. “I want to talk to you. I don’t like you being asleep so long.” No answer … why won’t he wake up? I gently run my fingers through his facial hair and over the top of his head. I gently pull the sheets back to look at him and I frown at the sight. He is bruised on his torso, quite badly actually. What is that from? Hmm, fighting—he’s been cage fighting again. I hate that sport or whatever you call it. I frown as I notice he has a bruise in the shape of a shoe print on his hip bone, as if he has been stomped on or kicked when down. This is no cage-fight bruising, this is real-fight bruising. My heart drops, Baby what in the hell have you been doing? I trace my name on his side with my finger and he flinches. My eyes shoot to his face. He frowns and I hold my breath.
“Joshua,” I whisper. “I’m here, baby, wake up.” He frowns again. “Joshua,” I repeat. I bend and gently kiss his cheek. “I love you,” I whisper. His eyelids start to flutter. I grab his hand and he squeezes it as he slowly opens his eyes. I smile at him. “Hi,” I whisper.
He squints as he tries to focus his eyes.
“Tash,” he whispers.
Tears fill my eyes, “I’m here, baby. It’s ok, I’m here.” He gives me a weak smile and I lean and gently kiss his cheek.
“What’s going on?” he whispers through a husky throat.
“You’re in the hospital, you took a cocaine overdose.” His face drops and he lifts his arm to look at the intravenous drip into the back of his hand, then he shakes his head in shock.
“How long?” he shakes his head again. I buzz for the nurse. He frowns again and I know he is trying to remember what happened. The nurse enters the room and smiles. “Mr Stanton, how are you feeling?” He stays silent while staring at me. I think he is in shock.
I give him a weak smile. “She asked you a question,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “I’m ok,” he gently answers. Cameron walks into the room and his smile nearly beams me off the bed.
“You ok mate?” He walks over and gently kisses Joshua’s forehead and I melt. This is love; Cameron adores Joshua. I smile as my eyes tear up again.
The doctor walks in and nods to us all. “You have given your brother and wife here a hell of a shock, Joshua.”
Joshua frowns at me and I smile in return. He’s confused—he holds up his hand to look at his ring finger and frowns again. I bite my lip to stifle my smile—he thinks we are married.
“Do you know where you are?” the doctor asks.
Joshua nods. “In the hospital,” he huskily replies.
“And why are you here?” he asks.
Joshua casts his eyes down in shame. “Drug overdose,” he whispers. He coughs dryly and the nurse pours him a glass of water. He tentatively takes a sip. “Thank you” he whispers. He looks around. “Where’s Adrian?” I smile at that question. He’s ok. He’s going to be ok.
“Only immediate family and spouses,” Cameron replies.
The doctor looks into Joshua’s eyes with a torch. “I will be keeping you in for observation for a few days but you are a very lucky man. You were close to death and have selfishly put your loved ones through hell.”
“You got that right,” Cameron interjects.
Joshua’s eyes drop again. “Sorry,” he murmurs. His eyes find me through the room and I melt into them. I have so missed this man—it is as if a part of me has been missing. I give him a weak smile and he holds out his hand for me. I gratefully take it and he kisses the back of my hand and rests his cheek against it.
Tears fill my eyes as Cameron smiles and rubs Joshua’s head. “See you in the morning” and with that he leaves the room. The doctor stays for around another fifteen minutes and I stay silent in the corner waiting patiently for my time with him. A nurse comes and removes his catheter and after what seems like an eternity they leave us alone.
I gently cuddle him as I am overcome with tears. “I’m so sorry Josh, forgive me baby. I have done this to you.”
He shakes his head. “No, Tash, I did this.”
“I will never leave you again, I promise you Josh. I love you too much to be without you.”
He looks down at my hand and frowns. “Did Adrian get your ring from the safe?”
I frown and shake my head. What’s he talking about? There’s a ring?
“Cameron just told them we were married to get me access to you.”
His face drops. “Oh,” he answers quietly. He gives me a weak smile. “I thought we got married.”
I smile and bend to gently kiss him. “I wish,” I whisper.
He returns my smile. “Me too, though I would like to remember it.” I crawl onto the bed next to him and his eyes close. “I need the bathroom,” he whispers.
I quickly jump off the bed. “Let me help you.” I grab his elbow to stabilise him as the nurse re-enters the room.
“Back to bed. You are too weak to be standing. When was the last time you ate, young man?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “Not sure.” My eyes close in regret. He doesn’t even remember eating—what in the hell has he been doing to himself? He lifts himself off the bed and scrunches his eyes closed in pain.
“What’s wrong?” I gasp.
“Headache,” he winces.
“That’s normal,” the nurse nods. I blow out a breath in relief.
“Ok,” I reply shakily. The nurse and I get on either side of him and help him up as he gingerly walks to the bathroom. I have never seen him like this. It’s frightening. So weak, so fragile. I can’t believe he nearly died just ten hours ago. I walk into the bathroom behind him as he falls onto the toilet, and I grab him for support. He sits silently with his head down and urinates. As I stand silently beside him it occurs to me that Joshua, my Joshua, would be pulling wisecracks in this situation normally. No way would he sit down to go to the toilet, not without a joke anyway.
He finally finishes and stands. “I need to shower.”
“Joshua, no, you are going back to bed,” I urge.
“I’m taking a fucking shower,” he snaps.
I beam a full megawatt smile. “That’s more like it,” I whisper. He raises an eyebrow in silent question at me. “There’s my difficult man,” I smile.
Half an hour later he is back in bed and I am feeling much better. After his little snap at
me I know he is going to be ok—there isn’t a doubt in my mind. He lies with his head facing me as I lie next to him.
“Thank you for coming for me,” he whispers. “When did you find out?”
“At LAX airport.” He frowns at me, not understanding. “I was already coming to you Josh. You did this while I was in the air.” Should I tell him about the paternity?
His eyes widen. “I thought you said you didn’t want to see me again,” he frowns.
I kiss the back of his hand. “I’m so sorry, I never meant it. I was blinded from grief Josh. I felt as though I killed my father. I wasn’t thinking straight, you know I would have come back for you eventually. I have mourned the loss of you just as much as my father.” Nerves rise in my stomach. I need to tell him that we are not cousins. Is he strong enough yet? How do you tell someone this kind of information? My heart drops.
He looks down. “I thought you meant it.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t.” Maybe I will wait till he is stronger?
His eyes look to the roof and I can see his brain ticking. “Tash, I thought we were broken up.”
Why is he saying this? “Don’t you want me here, Josh?” I ask.
“How can you even think that? I love you more than life itself.” And then he frowns. “Stop fucking with my head. I swear to god, Natasha.” He starts to get worked up.
“Sshh, Josh I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, calm down. It’s ok, it’s ok.” I rise and gently kiss his face. “I’m not leaving again, I’m sorry baby.” He’s definitely not strong enough.
The nurse re-enters and takes his vitals. “I’m going to give you another relaxant, Joshua. Your heart rate has gone back up, just something to make you sleep, ok?” He takes a deep breath and nods and she injects another drug into his drip. I hold his hand and rub his forehead as he peacefully drifts off.
What must it feel like to be in a peaceful sleep? I haven’t had one for so long. I keep watch on the silent and still man beside me. On the outside I mirror his calmness; however, the inner turmoil inside my stomach has reached a whole new level. I‘m worried … actually that’s an understatement. I’m panicked. The harsh reality is that Joshua may very well be a cocaine addict. I know that, the doctor knows that. Everybody knows that. He has the motive … friends and escape and he has the means … unlimited funds. I have done extensive study on addictions as part of my psychology degree and I know it’s a very steep hill to climb to get out of an addiction black hole. Both for the addict and for the ones that love them. I close my eyes. How did it get to this? Was it really an accident or did he try to subconsciously kill himself without realising? What are the bruises all over him? He has a definite shoe mark on his body and I know that they don’t wear shoes in the fight ring. Who in the hell has he been fighting and where was Ben his bodyguard when it happened? I suppose that means nothing. Joshua got into a fight that night at the Ivy and Ben was there then. So it is possible. I have caused all of this havoc in his life. I wonder what his life was like before I came back into it. What if he has been taking cocaine all along and I didn’t realise—have I been that blinded by his love? Am I that stupid? After melting my brain with way too much thought I decide to ask both him and Cameron tomorrow separately and see how well their answers match up, and maybe even Adrian for that matter. I have a talent to tell when someone is lying and, boy, am I going to put it to use tomorrow. I eventually drift into an unsettled sleep after tossing and turning for hours. Maybe I should have got some of that relaxant put into my veins; I sure could bloody well use it.
