by Megan Smith
Sadie starts to laugh and that laugh turns into a cough. I quickly jump off the bed ready to dart to the nurse’s station when her cough turns back into a laugh. “Sorry,” she clears her throat. “Are you nervous that I’d say no? Because you just did a whole lot of rambling that had me thinking you were like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar,” Sadie chuckles.
I place my hands on my hips, a soft smile warming my face, and give my damn heart a second to settle before answering. “I just want to make sure you know I’m not asking because of this,” I say looking around the room and because I’m such a chicken shit that I can’t even say the word cancer out loud. If I don’t address it it’s not real, right?
Sadie pats the bed again for me to sit beside her. “Cooper, you could have asked me yesterday or the day before or even months ago. My answer is and would have always been yes, you have my permission to marry my daughter. I don’t need to know all the reasons why you want to marry her. One look at the two of you together and anyone can see how much you love each other.”
Hunter and Jaylinn walk into the room at that exact second. “Mom, did you just admit to Cooper that you love him?” Jaylinn attempts to joke but the smile on her face doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
Hunter takes a seat in one of the chairs in the corner of the room. I stand and mouth ‘thank you’ to Sadie as I let Jaylinn take my seat next to her mom.
“You’ve always known I’ve loved that boy,” Sadie says as she grabs Jaylinn’s hand. “All of those Cahills actually.”
Jaylinn turns her head away from her mom, her face turns a shade of red and the tears fall from her eyes. She’s breaking down but doesn’t want her mom to see her like that. She’s trying to be strong but failing miserably. Hunter leans forward, elbows resting on his legs, head hung down. Nothing in this moment can change anything in this room. Their world was just blown apart. A rift separating them that seems, in this moment, almost insurmountable. Sadie pulls her daughter into her arms where the sob that Jaylinn was holding back comes out; the sound hitting me square in the chest. I glance back at Hunter who is shaking his head back and forth. I take a few steps back standing next to him and place my hand on his shoulder offering my support to my best friend.
After a while the room grows quiet. Jaylinn is lying beside her mom on the hospital bed, Hunter moved his chair over towards the foot of the bed where he’s leaning forward and resting his head, probably sleeping by now, and I’m sitting on the couch that is in the corner of the room looking out of the window. The sun is just starting to rise over the trees in the distance. The sun hasn’t been out in days; it’s been so damn cold and snowy. I’m hoping this is a sign that it’s bringing a new day with new possibilities and hopes.
A new nurse knocks before allowing herself in. Her smile blinds me as she glances over in my direction. There is nothing to be smiling about, I think to myself, at least not until we get some answers.
Sadie stirs and glances towards the nurse, who is now typing away on the keyboard that is across from the bed. When she’s finished, she turns and smiles at Sadie. “How are you feeling, Sadie, on a scale of one to ten, one being no pain at all to ten being in the worst pain ever?”
She tries to talk. “About a—” another coughing fit starts again and it wakes Jaylinn. She sits straight up with wide panicked eyes. “Mom…”
Sadie pats her hand reassuring her she’s okay. She tries taking a deep breath but it’s shallow. “It’s about a seven.”
The nurse nods and makes a note on the computer. “Well, let’s get that taken care of.” She logs off the computer and steps up to the white board near the computer. “My name is Amy and I’ll be your nurse until this afternoon.” Amy writes her name down on the board along with a doctor’s name as well. “Dr. Anderson has given me permission to make you as comfortable as possible.” Amy smiles again at Sadie who tries to smile back but the pain is evident on her face. “I’ll be right back.”
Amy walks out of the room and Jaylinn rests her head back on her mom’s shoulder and grabs her hand. “I love you, Mom.”
Sadie leans her head against her daughter’s. “I love you, my sweet girl.”
Amy comes back with a syringe in one hand and a couple of white packets in the other. She places them down on the roll away table then rips open one of the packets and wipes down the IV. When she’s done she tosses it on the table then does the same with the end of the syringe. Amy places the wipe down and twists the syringe into the IV. “You’re probably going to get a warming feeling throughout your body, it’s completely normal.” Amy unscrews the syringe and tosses it the medical wastebasket. “And you’re probably going to get really sleepy as well.”
I glance over to Sadie, her eyes roll in the back of her head. I glance quickly to Amy to see if that reaction is normal. “She’s fine,” she assures me.
“When will the doctor be in to speak with us?” Jaylinn asks.
Hunter stirs from his position. He leans back in the chair and rolls his neck.
“Dr. Anderson and Dr. Carter, the staff oncologist, will be in some time this morning. They’ll be able to answer all of your questions.” Amy taps a few things in the computer and spins around. “I’ll be back to check on her in a bit.”
Jaylinn sighs. Hunter looks over to his mom and just shakes his head. He hasn’t said much since we were talking in the hallway when we first got here. I know we all deal with things differently and Hunter is dealing with this the only way he can right now.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out to see that it’s a text from my sister.
Kenzie 6:52am: Hunter isn’t answering. I’m dropping the kids off at mom’s and I’m on my way.
Me 6:53am: Okay, I’ll let him know.
Kenzie 6:54am: Is everything okay?
Me 6:55am: Not sure what is going on yet.
Kenzie 6:55am: K. Tell him I’m on my way.
“Kenzie is on her way over. She’s dropping the kids off at my mom and dad’s now.” I tell Hunter.
Jaylinn looks to me and I give her a sad smile. She shifts slowly and gently extracts herself out from under her mom’s embrace. Hunter watches her every move waiting to see if she needs help. After tucking her mom back in she curls herself onto my lap where I wrap my arms around her. I run my hand up and down her back comforting her. The sun has come up casting an orange glow over the room, creating a surreal, hazy effect shadowing our already somber mood.
“You okay?” I whisper into her ear. I need to hear the truth from her and I know if she thinks Hunter is paying attention she’ll keep her brave face on.
“No,” she says back quietly. Her body has a slight tremble to it.
I take a deep breath not knowing exactly what I can do for her. I’m so lost here wanting to comfort her but not knowing what I can do to make this situation any better.
“Just don’t let me slip, Coop. I have to be brave for her, Hunter, and even myself,” she whispers into my ear.
“I’ll never let you fall,” I say kissing the side of her head. “I’ll always catch you.”
“That’s all I need to get through this.”
I tighten my arms around her letting her know that even if she does start to fall I’m here to catch her and together we can overcome whatever this is and whatever this will become. “Two is always better than one” my mom would always tell me and Mason growing up. Granted, she was typically referring to us playing together versus playing alone but all I know in this moment is that Jaylinn is going to need me more than anything in the coming days and weeks. It’s the only way, it’s the only choice we have.
Jaylinn
Cooper, Hunter and I walk down to the cafeteria to meet MacKenzie. The nurse said that the doctors are making their rounds but it’ll still be at least a few hours before they make it to my mom’s room.
As soon as MacKenzie’s eyes land on Hunter she jogs over to him. Hunter picks her up, buries his face into her neck and she does the same to him. My brothe
r’s body shakes as he breaks down in his wife’s arms. I think Hunter already has it set in his mind that, no matter how bad the cancer is, the outcome for mom isn’t good. I’m holding out hope for the best possible outcome and I’m more than happy to live in my little bubble until I’m told otherwise.
Cooper wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses the side of my head. I refuse to cry anymore. I can’t and won’t break down. My mom needs to be strong and I’m going to be strong right along with her.
“I love you.”
I smile up to Cooper. His grey-blue eyes are darker today like the color of steel and his hair is a little bit longer on top than normal which I have to admit I kind of like. The thing that gets me the most is that devilish smile of his. It warms me and makes me momentarily forget my problems. “I love you, too.”
Cooper nods his head towards the door leading into the cafeteria. “Let’s grab something to eat.”
We wander around looking to see what they have. Cooper takes some eggs, bacon and wheat toast, always trying to stay within his diet, even in the off season. Nothing looks good to me though. My stomach blanches every time I look towards the food. I grab an apple as a safe bet, and so that Cooper won’t fight with me to eat at least something.
When Cooper notices the only thing I added to his tray he just shakes his head. He’s not pleased but he’s going to let it go. He pays for our food and we make our way over to an empty table; Hunter and MacKenzie join us a few minutes later. No one talks while we eat and no one looks at each other either. It’s like we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t stand just sitting here like this. I can’t listen to MacKenzie sniffle one more time. I can’t listen to every bite Cooper takes as his teeth scrape against his fork. I can’t stand the way my brother is breathing in and out of his nose. It’s the everything, it’s the nothing, it’s the being here and dealing with this shit that I just can’t take another loud, silent moment of.
I stand up abruptly, my chair scratching against the tiled floor. “I’m going back upstairs.”
“You didn’t eat,” Cooper says pointing with his fork to my untouched apple.
“I’m not hungry.”
He swallows his food. “You need to eat.”
“I’ll eat later.”
Cooper opens his mouth and then shuts it again. He’s smart. He knows what battles to pick and which ones to concede. Today is a day he needs to just leave me be until I know things are okay. I push my chair in and walk away leaving my family sitting at the table.
I don’t go directly to the elevator because I’m not going to sit in that hospital room while my mom is sleep. My mind is running a million different directions and I need a few minutes to straighten my head out.
I passed a gift shop that’s filled with flowers, balloons, baby gifts, and snacks. An older lady sitting behind the register smiles at me, I smile back and keep walking. A small little chapel is just down the hall with its doors open. It’s empty so I step inside knowing I’ll be left alone with my thoughts at least until someone comes looking for me.
I take a seat in the second to last row, lean forward with arms on the pew in front of me and just lay my muddled head down on my forearms. A calming sensation rolls over me. I let my mind wander back to a happier time with my mom.
“Jay,” Mom called to me from the living room. “Let’s go!”
I stuck my feet into a pair of flats and grabbed my purse that was sitting on the chair at my desk. This was the last thing I felt like doing since I was bloated because of that time of the month. My face was covered in pimples, I had serious cramps, and a headache to end all headaches. I didn’t feel like doing anything that day.
“Mom, do we really have to go today? Can’t we go next weekend? I feel like a whale and do you see my face?” I asked pointing to one of the larger zits on my chin.
“I’ve got to work and your brother is coming home next weekend,” Mom explained locking the front door behind me.
“I don’t even want to go to prom,” I mumbled as I walked to the car.
“I heard that,” Mom said as she unlocked the car doors. “You know how I feel about this, Jay. You need to experience it, if not you’ll always regret not going.”
I highly doubted that but I kept my mouth shut. Jace, the captain of the boys’ soccer team, asked me to prom a few weeks ago. I asked him if I could give him an answer in a few days as I wasn’t sure if I was going at all.
The Saturday after he asked me, MacKenzie and Hailey were over my house, it was the first time I’d seen them since the holidays. We were lying around on the couch watching movies, eating popcorn and they asked me about prom. My mom had just got home from work and was in the kitchen while I was telling them.
“You said yes, right?” Hailey asked.
I shook my head. “I’m not going.”
MacKenzie had this knowing look on her face. She knew the real reason without me telling her. “Because of Cooper.”
My cheeks flushed and I looked away. It was silly, I knew that, but I just didn’t want to go with anyone else. Plus, there was no way that Cooper was going to take me. He didn’t have the same feelings for me. A few of my friends were going without dates and I knew I could have gone with them but I really just didn’t have any desire to go at all.
I hadn’t thought my mom was paying attention, but, of course, she was. “Jaylinn Marie McCormick!” She never used my whole name unless I was in trouble.
Hailey and MacKenzie started snickering.
I glared at them then turned my head a little further and looked at my mom. Her hands were on her hips and a disapproving frown graced her face. “You are going to prom, missy.” She looked to the girls. “Tell her she doesn’t want to miss out on this.”
Hailey looked down trying to hide her giggle and MacKenzie gave me a sympathetic smile. “You gotta go, Jay.”
I crossed my arms and leaned back against the couch. I knew deep down she was right. I’d always wonder what I missed out on, I’d hear all the girls talking about it during school and I didn’t want it that way. So, I was going…my head told me I was going but my heart continued to wage an internal battle I knew I wasn’t going to win.
“Fine.”
Hailey ruffled my hair. “Aww you’re cute when you’re pouting.”
I shoved her hand away. “I said I’d go, I didn’t say I’d enjoy it.”
That’s how I ended up in the dressing room of this little boutique in town with about ten different dresses to try on. I only really liked one but mom insisted I try all them on. After the ninth dress, I put on the dress that I loved the most.
It was a red mermaid gown with some crystals and sequins to add a little spice to it. There was a long slit down the left side, two thin bands of crystals and sequins along the back and a tear drop opening between my boobs. The crystals and sequins started out heavy at the top of the halter straps and slowly faded out to the bottom of the dress.
“Wow,” I whispered as a turned in the mirror grin took over my face. I loved the dress on the hanger but having it on I loved it even more.
I opened the dressing room door and proceeded to the round platform in the middle of the dressing room that was surrounded by mirrors. I heard a few gasps as I turned around for my mom and the ladies who were helping us.
Mom had tears in her eyes and the biggest smile on her face. “You look stunning, Jaylinn.”
One of ladies came over to me and pinned my hair up off my neck so that you could see the whole view of the dress.
I knew this dress was really, really, expensive and I covertly picked it because I was hoping my mom would say she couldn’t afford it. I would then throw a fit and get myself out of going but when I saw the smile on her face I knew I had to go for her and maybe secretly for me, too.
“We’ll take it,” Mom told the lady.
“Mom,” I shook my head knowing I couldn’t let her buy this dress. I’d settle on the second dress that I loved that was half the cost. I
still looked pretty in it anyway.
She shook her head. “It’s perfect, Jay.”
Mom grabbed one of the diamond cuffs off the shelf near the shoes and slid it on to my wrist. “Mom, it cost way too much money.”
“Nonsense, I’ve been saving some money just for this.” We weren’t hurting for money but we lived conservatively. I knew I had a trust fund coming to me when I turned twenty-one and I knew mom had money saved in an account, too. I just didn’t realize she’d be willing to spend this kind of money on a prom dress. A dress that I was only going to wear once.
“Thank you, Mom.” I said kissing her on the cheek before slipping into the dressing room and changing back into my clothes.
“There you are,” Cooper says as he slides onto the bench beside me. “Are you okay?”
I smile and wipe a few tears away, some from sadness but at this moment many were from happy memories. “Yeah, just thinking about that time mom and I went to go try on prom dresses.”
Cooper groans beside me. “That God-awful red dress?”
I smile wider. “You loved that dress.”
He smirks, “Yeah, I liked it on the hanger.”
Laughing, “Is that why you stood next to me there with your mouth hanging open watching my friends and I get our pictures taken in front of the house?”
“What friends?” Cooper winks playfully at me.
I bump my shoulder into his.
“The way that dress clung to your body,” Cooper licks his lips. “And your hips,” he groans and my cheeks turn fire engine red, almost the identical color the dress we are both remembering.
