by Lee Heaven
“If I come home you have to think about leaving Shawn.” This was a running thing with us. I would say I was coming home and she would say she was leaving Shawn. But we both knew we never would stick to our words and we would never hold each other to it.
Sarah sighed. “I will. I have to go I’m pulling in the driveway and the kids will be home soon.”
After hanging up with Sarah I went about getting the house cleaned and vacuumed. Kris and Felicity will be home soon and homework will need to be done. Jeremy will be coming home shortly after that. Hopefully Jeremy won’t be in a horrible mood when he walks in the door.
~~~
I waited until the kids were out of the house tonight to bring up the subject for a reason. I knew it would turn into a screaming match and possibly fist being thrown as well. It’s not the first time a conversation like this had happened. I’m also sure that if the neighbors were home they would be sure to call the cops. In a way I want them to be home for that extra security but in another way I didn’t want them home that way we could get this conversation over with.
I fiddled in the kitchen getting some chips and salsa ready for him. I placed them on a tray along with a couple of beer bottles, the bank statement and the foreclosure notice. There’s no hiding the fact that we’re about to lose our house from me this time. The sheriff showing up and handing me eviction papers isn’t going to happen. I want answers and I want them tonight. Sitting under the couch cushion was the phone bill I printed out, making sure to highlight all the phone calls with her number.
He ignored the papers as I suspected he would. He was halfway through the second bottle of beer when he finally picked them up. I saw the second the anger coursed through his body. His muscles tightened, his brows pinched together and his jaw moved under his skin.
“What the fuck is this?” he gritted between his clenched teeth.
“You fucking tell me,” I spat back at him.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me like that!”
“I’ll fucking talk to you however I feel like it,” I flinched when he fisted his hand. “Tell me where your paychecks are going since they obviously aren’t in the bank and our mortgage isn’t getting paid.”
“I don’t have to fucking answer you. I’m the goddamn man in this house. I make the fucking money and I can do what the fuck I please with it. Ain’t nothing you say going to change my mind.”
I pulled the phone bill out from under the cushion and tossed it onto his lap. His eyes hardened as he flipped from one bright yellow marked page to the next. “Is that where all our money is going again? You paying her fucking shit again?”
“It’s my fucking money. I work to get that, not you!” He roared as he tossed the papers towards the fireplace.
“NO! It’s OUR money. I’m your wife. I’m the one you asked to marry you. I’m the one you promised to take care of. I’m the one who gave you a son and a daughter. Now you’re going to put your kids on the street.”
He was up and towering over me, trying to intimidate me with his height. Years ago that move had worked, but now I wasn’t afraid any more. “That boy is not even my son!”
My hand connected with his face. “You god damn motherfucker. You knew that all those years ago after Kristopher died. You knew that when you married me. You knew that when you signed his birth certificate and raised him all these years.” In all these years Jeremy has never thrown the fact that Kris was not his son. I knew it had bothered him because it was just proof that he wasn’t my first love, but he had never, not once in all these years said anything. Until now.
His palm connected with my face a second before his other hand grabbed a chunk of my hair and yanked me from the couch. “I give you everything!” he roared.
“That’s why were about to lose the house, AGAIN! And you’re constantly on the phone with that whore again all the time. Just fucking leave me. Get a divorce. I won’t even ask for child support or anything.”
His hand connected with my face again. “You’re not walking out on me. I’m not leaving and neither are you.”
I raked my nails down his arm ripping the skin trying to get him to let go, it only angered him more, his fist connecting with the wall he had backed me up against, just narrowly missing my head.
“You walk away from her and fix this mortgage shit or I am gone. I don’t care what you say!” Little did he already know I was already done. I was leaving, just like Sarah had asked this afternoon. The question is when. Do I do it now? Do I wait till after the holidays? Till the kids are out of school? I was going to have to do one of the hardest things, even harder than getting hit by Jeremy, I was going to have to call my step-father with my tail between my legs and ask to come home.
“Don’t tell me what to fucking do!”
“Walk away from her or I’m gone!”
“You god damn fucking bitch! You had to fall in love with him first. I know you still love him. I see it in your eyes every time you look at his son! I could never compete with that. All these years, I’ve never measured up to those short few months that you spent with him.”
“He never would have hit me! Look at you pulling my hair like you’re some caveman and slapping me around like I’m some animal. How do expect me to get over my love for Kristopher when you treat me like shit!” I pushed at his chest hoping to move him but he stood his ground. “What happened to the man who picked me up off the ground after my husband died? What happened to the man who used to make love to me so sweetly? When was the last time we had sex? I can’t even remember! Did you ever love me or was this some type of jealousy thing because I loved him and not you? You made me fall in love with you all those years ago! You made me whole again after I broke. Yet here you are breaking me down. Hitting me! Beating me! Cheating on me! You don’t want to love me, fine don’t love me. You want to go sleep with that whore over me, fine go ahead and sleep with her. But don’t you dare act like any of this is Kristopher’s fault or mine. Pay the fucking mortgage so your kids can have a place to live.”
He tossed me across the room, landing on the carpeted floor just in front of the TV. The door slammed and a few seconds later I heard his truck tires peel out on the gravel driveway as he slammed the truck into gear and taking off.
I picked up the phone bill from where it laid on the floor along with the bank statement and notice of foreclosure, placing them on Jeremy’s chair. I cleaned up the beer bottles and the chip bowl. I went into the bedroom closing and locking the door behind me. It’s not the first time I had done that, about fifty percent of the time he shouldered the door open, the other fifty percent he slept in his chair. Tonight, if he bothered to come home I hope he got the hint and slept on his chair.
Chapter 3
I can barely feed my kids, how the hell am I supposed to buy them Christmas presents? While Jeremy fixed the mortgage for now, I still don’t know where any of his paychecks are going. Every once in a while a few hundred dollars will show up in the bank account and I rush out to get food so I can feed the kids before it disappears.
Jeremy is staying out later and later every night and I have given up waiting for him. I’ve woken up in the morning to find him passed out on the couch, his chair, his truck and even on the toilet one morning. It’s been weeks since he slept in our bed and I’ve given up all hopes of ever trying to fix this marriage.
My step-father and I came to an agreement and I would be moving home as soon as the kids are done with school. I hated making that phone call and cringed as I had to listen to him laugh as he bragged about how right he was. I hated it more than anyone could believe, but I had to suck it up and take it because I needed his help.
“Hey,” I answered my ringing cell phone.
“Hey,” Sarah said in her chirpy voice. I don’t care how much she denies it but I can tell the difference in her voice when she’s at Decker’s place. The lucky fucking bitch got every fucking girls dream job, she got to take care of Decker Jensen while he was laid up with a busted l
eg. She’s happier when she’s there, she sounds like the Sarah from years ago, before she lost Ely, before she was attacked by her ex and before Shawn came along and mentally beat her down to nothing. In a way I envied her, as much as Shawn was a dick and mentally beat her down, he never laid a hand on her once. We were waiting for the day, but all these years and he never had.
“How’s work today?” I asked barely able to hold the tears back.
“Has he still not given you any money? How much milk do you have? Is there any food left?” She got right to it. There was no holding anything from her, she knew things before I could even get them out of my mouth.
“Nothing. There’s eight dollars in the bank account. Five days till Christmas and I have nothing for the kids. I barely have any food…I just don’t know what to do.”
“I’m wiring you some money.”
“No you need to save your money. I’m headed home at the end of the school year and you need to save to get away from Shawn.”
“Decker just gave me a Christmas bonus, a pretty good one to. Let me send you some money. You need to feed the kids if anything.” There was a shuffling noise on the other end of the phone and Sarah giggled while saying ‘stop it.’
“Hello,” his deep timber came across the phone.
Every time I talked to him I wanted to giggle like some teenage girl. “Hi, Decker,” I said with a slight smile.
“I’m sending you money so you don’t have to worry about Sarah losing out on money. I won’t have you arguing so don’t even bother. You should have it within the next hour.” There was more shuffling and then Sarah giggled again before I could even respond to what he was saying.
“Hi,” she giggled into the phone. “Holy fuck he stole my phone. I swear to god I didn’t even know he was in the room. I swear for a man who is in a gigantic cast and wheelchair he came out of nowhere.”
“I can’t take his money!” I squealed into the phone.
“You can’t take mine, you can’t take his, and Jeremy isn’t giving you any. How are you going to feed your kids? Do you plan on calling your step-father and asking him for money? You know how that one is going to go. Just take Decker’s money. Please, for me? I need to know you guys are at least eating. It’s not right that he’s not buying food for you guys. As much of an ass as Shawn is, at least he feeds his kids.”
“Fine, but I’m paying him back when I can afford it.” She laughed. We both knew that even when I could afford to pay Decker back he wouldn’t take my money. “What he give you for Christmas?”
Sarah sighed majorly. While she denied it, I could tell. She was majorly falling in love with him. She was different when she was there and I secretly hoped that she would get her happy ending with him because I had a feeling he was falling for her to. “Well besides the ten thousand bonus check,” I wanted to choke no wonder she was offering me money she could afford to now. “He gave Maggie and me tickets and backstage passes to see Fun this summer. I also got a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings with a matching necklace. I swear it’s like ten karats between the two of them. I don’t know how I’m going to take them home and not have Shawn freak out. I have them hidden in Decker’s closet right now.”
“Sarah, you ever think that man is falling in love with you?”
She laughed at me. “No he’s not.”
“What did Maggie get?”
“Her bonus was five thousand and the concert tickets.”
“Exactly,” I sighed. “You both work just about the same amount of hours. Yet you have five thousand more and jewelry that probably cost five grand or more.”
“He can’t love me. I’m nowhere close to the same league for him to fall in love with.”
I pray every night that he is falling in love with her and that he finds a way to show her before she’s done working for him. I needed her out of her situation with Shawn as much as she needed me out of mine with Jeremy.
We continued our conversation for a while and just before I went to get off the phone with her I checked my bank account.
“No! You tell him to take his money back. I don’t need this much!” I screamed into the phone. “Holy fuck! The man sent me five thousand dollars”
I heard her talking to him and then she came back on the phone. “He said he’s not taking a penny back and if you reject the transfer then he’s going to double it and every time you reject he he’s going to double it, even if that means he gives you every penny in his account.”
“Fuck, Sarah!”
“Stock the house with food. Buy a shit load of presents for the kids and make a yummy Christmas dinner for them. If Jeremy says anything just tell him the money came from me and if he has a problem with that then he can come here and say it to my face.”
Fuck, five grand! No one ever gave me five grand for no reason! No one helps a person they never met just because their friends with their employee. That man was falling in love with her. It’s the only reason. I don’t care how rich the man is. He’s in love with her.
~~~
A crashing sound woke me. My out stretched arm told me that Jeremy never made it to bed again. Another crash had me looking at the clock and the menacing thing blinked back at the ungodly hour of two fifteen in the morning.
Fucking drunk bastard!
I made my way down the hallway and into the kitchen to find Jeremy tossing all the food I had just bought out of the cabinets. The fridge and freezer door were wide open and food was tossed on the floor. What the fuck did he think he was doing? I stepped into the kitchen and flipped on the light.
Jeremy spun on me and charged at me grabbing me by the neck and holding me against the wall. His breath stunk like bourbon. Great he was hitting the hard stuff. He’s always more of an ass when he drinks more than just beer. Rage burned in his eyes.
“Where the fuck did all this come from?” He growled. “I know it wasn’t me, because I haven’t given you a penny in weeks. You whoring yourself out now?”
“Sarah sent me money!” I whispered as his hand tightened around my throat. “I had nothing to give the kids to eat. Decker just gave her a huge Christmas bonus, so she sent me money for food.”
He stared at me. Question burned in his eyes. He didn’t believe me.
“We can call her in the morning. You can ask her then,” I pleaded trying to get him to let go of my neck. He was hurting me and spots formed in the corner of my vision.
He let go of me and I collapsed to the floor coughing. “Clean this shit up. I’m going to bed. I’ll deal with your lies tomorrow.”
An hour later I had the kitchen cleaned and was headed back to my room. Jeremy wasn’t on the couch or his chair and when I walked into the bedroom he was passed out face down in the middle of our bed. Great the first time he sleeps in our bed in months and I can’t even sleep there myself. I grabbed my pillow and a blanket from the closet and went and lay down on the couch. Not going to be a lot of sleep for me tonight.
When my alarm went off just over two hours later I drug my ass off the couch and started breakfast. Getting the kids up for school I ushered them into the kitchen to eat before getting dressed. Jeremy joined us a few minutes later and I placed a plate down in front of him with just my cell phone with Sarah’s number on the screen. I wasn’t giving this motherfucker any food until he spoke to her.
He huffed and picked up the phone pressing send. “Yeah,” he said into the phone when she answered. I picked up his plate and started placing eggs and bacon on it for him. “Whatever,” he snapped into the phone before he placed it on the table.
She’d never tell the money came from Decker and not her. I’d do the same thing for her if it was the other way around.
~~~
Christmas day was here. I was surprised to find Jeremy sitting on the couch smiling when I walked out of the bathroom after the kids woke me up. Presents were placed in piles around the tree thanks to the money Decker had sent. I didn’t buy them much knowing Jeremy wasn’t going to be giving me money a
ny time soon and I needed to save to buy food when needed.
I was even nice and bought Jeremy a few things. As I sat on the couch watching my kids unwrap their presents and laugh, I was sad, my only presents were the gifts the kids had made in their classes. Jeremy didn’t even bother to buy me a thing. I mean how hard could it be to go to the store and buy me something. I mean a bar of chocolate, a pack of underwear, a fucking pack of condoms, just something. God damn I would have even taken a god damn vibrator as a present. But I got nothing.
I slaved all day in the kitchen cooking food for everyone. Not once did he come in and ask me if he could help or ask if I needed a break or just too even sit and talk with me. I sat alone in the kitchen all day. I guess in a way I should be thankful that he never came into the kitchen, because that means he wasn’t drinking. Maybe we could get through a whole day without him drinking and being an ass.
It’s the first time he’s spent the whole day with us in almost a year. Even on weekends he didn’t bother to stick around and spend time with us, but today he did. Today he played video games with Kris, he even set up the paint easel for Felicity. This wasn’t the Jeremy I’ve seen for the last eight years. He didn’t even drink any alcohol when we sat down to eat. He made sure to keep filling his glass full of sweet tea every time it was empty.
“Merry Christmas, baby,” Jeremy whispered in my ear hours later as I stood in the bedroom getting ready to sleep.
“Merry Christmas, Jeremy,” I whispered back as he wrapped his arms around me.
It’s been close to nine months since we had sex the last time and now he wants some. Should I really give him some? He did spend the whole day with us, I didn’t even see him on the phone once. He’s sober and hasn’t said one mean thing to me or the kids. But that’s no excuse to cave in and give him sex after everything he’s put us through these past months. I’m such a statistic, making excuses of why it’s ok or not to have sex with my abusive husband.
