The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

by Una McCormack

  “You could, I guess… But what would you do? I guess Boothby’s always in need of an extra pair of hands.”

  She was right, and I knew it already. What would I teach? I couldn’t teach her class. I hadn’t yet commanded a ship. I’d be teaching freshman science, and I’d always be looking up to the stars and wondering what kind of captain I would have been.

  “I’m doubting myself, Parvati. I’m doubting that I can do it all, or, maybe, doubting I can do it all as well as I would want to.”

  “You don’t know that,” said my wise mentor, “until you’ve tried.”

  That was true.

  “Then my advice, Kathryn, is to seize the day.”

  I didn’t mention this conversation with Pandey to Mark. I felt oddly embarrassed, as if I’d been doing something clandestine. I simply knew that he would be upset that I was thinking of leaving Starfleet on his account. Next time we talked, it was about our usual, comfortable topics: the exploits of the redoubtable Mollie; our families and our friends; about what we planned to do next time I was back. In the meantime, my work with my team kept me busy, but I felt increasingly detached, as if I was halfway out of the door. I just didn’t know where that door was leading yet… One interesting effect of this was that the captain seemed to sense that I had moved on in some way and, as a result, our working relationship was the best it was throughout the whole time I was on board ship. Well, he did already have my replacement lined up, didn’t he?

  About six weeks after my conversation with Pandey, she contacted me again, on a secure channel. “Time to talk, Kathryn.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “You have a ship—if you still want one.”

  Her words took a moment to sink in, and then I felt myself begin to tremble. Calmly, I said, “I’m listening, Admiral.”

  “It’s called Voyager.”

  What a name! A name to make the heart soar!

  “ Intrepid class, brand new, just about to leave Utopia Planitia for McKinley Station. It’s got everything, Kathryn—bioneural circuitry, variable geometry warp nacelles… It’s even got a mission. What it doesn’t have yet is a captain.”

  I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. “What’s the mission?”

  “A trip out to the Badlands. We’ve got a few simple missions in the area— perfect for a new captain. They all have one thing in common though.”

  “Maquis,” I said, grimly.

  “Tracking one ship in particular—the Val Jean.”

  Named for the hero of Les Misérables, an underdog unfairly hounded by the authorities. That was revealing, to say the least.

  “It’s captained by a former Starfleet officer—a man named Chakotay. We want it infiltrated, and ideally stopped. Our plan is to put an undercover on board.”

  “You got someone in mind?”

  “An old friend of yours—Tuvok. He’s already out in the DMZ.”

  An old friend indeed. I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from him for a while. He’d been undergoing briefing and training, presumably, and now his mission was underway.

  “What do you say, Kathryn?”

  “You mean—”

  “The ship’s yours if you want it. If you still want to be a captain, that is.” She smiled at me. “Or have you decided to quit after all?”

  Well, I could see now how ridiculous that idea had been. Pandey had known too, and I imagine Mark would have known, if I’d broached the subject with him. The little girl inside me—the one who had always wanted to fly—was leaping for joy.

  “Admiral,” I said, “it would be my privilege.”

  “Congratulations, Captain Janeway.” She smiled. “I’m so pleased for you, Kathryn. You’ve earned this. Now—do you want to tell your captain, or shall I?”

  “Oh, I’ll tell him,” I breathed. But the conversation that I wanted to have right now was with Mark.

  * * *

  It took most of the morning to persuade Ward to fit me into his hectic schedule. I guess he thought I wanted to complain about something or other. Eventually, I finally tracked him down to his ready room. He didn’t offer me a seat, so I stood to attention by the door.

  “What is it, Janeway?”

  “I’ve been offered a new post, sir,” I said.

  “Oh yes? What’s the ship?”

  “The U.S.S. Voyager.”

  “I haven’t heard of that one,” he said. As ever, he was looking at his companel, rather than directly at me. I was glad I wasn’t going to have to put up with this nonsense for much longer.

  “It’s new, sir. Just out of the shipyard. Intrepid class.”

  “Very nice. You always land on your feet, Janeway, don’t you? I wish I had that… knack. Who’s the lucky captain?”

  “I beg your pardon, sir?”

  “Who are you going to be serving under?”

  He was making this extremely easy for me. I smiled. “The captain? That’ll be me, sir.”

  That got his attention. I saw his hands quickly flex into fists, and then relax again. He looked up at me. “You’re going to be a captain?”

  “It was always the plan.”

  “Of the Voyager?”

  “That’s the name of the ship.”

  “A brand-new, state-of-the-art starship, and you’re going straight in as captain.”

  “That’s correct.”

  He sat back in his seat, lost for words. For a man who liked to flatter his immediate colleagues and his superiors, he had not been bright enough to remember that sometimes juniors get promoted. We were equals now, and my first captaincy was a significant step up from his. I saw it cross his mind that he might, one day, find himself saluting me. I was watching some of his house of cards tumble, and I’m not ashamed to say that it was quite a pleasant sight.

  “With your permission, I’ll take a shuttle to Starbase 39. I can travel on from there to Mars. Voyager is waiting for me there. I’ve checked the duty rosters, and Lieutenant Crossman is available to pilot the shuttle to the starbase and bring it back again. I’ll be off the ship within twelve hours.” I saw him starting to come up with some reason to disagree, and quickly added, “Unless there’s any reason my expertise is required any longer?”

  “I suppose that’s acceptable…” He collected himself. “Well,” he said. “I guess that’ll be all—Kathryn.”

  “I guess so.” We looked at each other coldly. “I’m sorry we couldn’t get this to work, Neil. Perhaps we can both learn something from this.”

  * * *

  On board the shuttle, I sent a message to Mark. His face appeared on-screen, rumpled and sleepy. “Hell,” I said. “What time is it there?”

  He peered at the chronometer. “There’s a four in that number. That can’t be right. That’s not a real time.”

  “I’m so sorry!”

  I watched him start to focus on me. “Is everything all right, Kate?”

  “I have some news,” I said.

  “Oh yes. You know, I have some too.”

  We gazed at each other.

  “You go first,” he said.

  “I’ve been offered the captaincy of a ship,” I said. “The Voyager. I’m on my way there now.”

  Bless his heart, his face lit up in sheer delight. He was happy for me. “Oh, Kate! I’m so glad! After all your hard work! Sweetheart, I am so proud of you!”

  “The bad news is… We have our first mission. It’s not a long trip, but it’s going to be risky. I can’t say more.”

  He nodded his understanding. Good man. There would be more of this lack of detail in our future, I suspected.

  “What’s your news, Mark?”

  He looked sheepish. “It’s not news, not really. You know, I think it can wait…”

  “No, tell me! I’ve no idea when I’ll get a chance to speak again—I’ve got a crew to get together, and a mission to get underway!”

  “I feel bad now,” he said. “The last thing I want to do is steal your thunder…”

  “You can’t. I
promise. Go on.”

  “It’s just that… Last week was the anniversary of me proposing for the first time, and I thought, well, third time lucky… And I was away for work, and I kind of bought a ring…”

  He reached into his pocket and brought it out. Even at this distance I could see it was one hell of a ring… I put my head in my hands. “Oh, Mark! I’m just about to go away!”

  “Look, Kate,” he said quickly. “It doesn’t matter. I know what your being in Starfleet means. We’ve been living that life for nearly two years now—and it’s a good life! I miss you, and I want to be with you—of course I do!—but while you’re away I fiddle about, and I look forward to the times when you’re back with me. I want to be your home, Kate, whenever you come home. Why would I want anything else?”

  I was beginning to waver. What had Parvati said? Seize the day. But was it fair to him?

  “Mark,” I said, my voice thick, “I love you, I truly do—”

  “Uh-oh…” he said.

  “I don’t want to be the absentee wife. It’s not fair on you, not after Lisa—”

  His expression changed, as if something had suddenly become clear to him. “Oh, Kate—is that’s what’s been on your mind? Sweetheart, you’re not Lisa! You’re Kathryn Janeway! That’s whom I’m asking to marry me. Because she’s brilliant and brave and the most incredible woman, and because even when she’s not at home with me, she’s changed my life so much for the better that waiting for her to come home is all I want to do. We can make it work, Kate—we already have, for two years! You can have everything you want, you know,” he said. “There’s no reason why not. You of all people, Kathryn Janeway, can have everything. Let’s give it a go.”

  What can I say? He was so good, so kind, and I didn’t ever want to be without him. He lifted up the ring. “We’ll make this work, Kate. Whatever it takes—we’ll make this work.”

  I held out my hand, and he mimicked setting the ring in place. I held up my hand and pretended to admire it. “Hot damn!” Mark yelled. “I did it! The captain said yes!”

  In the background, I heard barking. We’d woken Mollie.

  “Just so we’re clear on one thing, Mark—love me, love my dog.”

  “Ain’t that the truth,” he muttered.

  I believed then—and I still believe—that we would have made a success of things. If only life hadn’t got in the way. We blew kisses and said goodbye. I sent quick messages to Mom and Phoebe, saying: Here’s my news—there’s quite a lot of it. Then I got back to work. As I drew ever closer to my new ship, I realized how happy I felt. All the burden and misery of being on the Billings had gone away. I was taking charge of my life once again. I had never had it so good.

  * * *

  Now was my chance to assemble the team I had always wanted. Many of the junior staff were already in place, and a first officer had been assigned to me— John Cavit, who had been a couple of years behind me at the Academy. While we had never served together, we had many mutual friends and colleagues, and I knew he was a fine officer: dependable, with an easy manner but excellent discipline. We quickly established a rapport, and his loss is a source of great grief to me. I brought a couple of people over with me from the Billings, not just science officers, but a couple of others who had heard on the grapevine about my new command and wanted to serve under someone else. I was happy to offer them a lifeboat. Tuvok was already in place as my chief of security, and I sent a message to my old friend from the Al-Batani, Laurie Fitzgerald, asking him if he was ready to leave the Caldik Prime medical facility, and come with me. As luck would have it (or so I thought at the time), Fitz was on Earth. He got back to me within twelve hours, saying his transfer request had been put through, and he was already heading out to McKinley.

  “It’ll be good to have the old team together again, Kate,” he said. “Owen Paris will be delighted—he’s been having a bad time over Tom, and he could do with hearing some good news.”

  Ah, yes, the problem of Tom Paris. His career with the Maquis had been about as successful as his time in Starfleet. He had been with them for no more than a few weeks before being captured. The last I’d heard of him he had been sent to a penal colony in New Zealand for eighteen months. My heart went out to my old captain, but I couldn’t help still feeling sorry for Tom. All of that promise, and he had been reduced to this. It was a damn waste. Surely there was still potential there? He had been, by all accounts, a fine pilot. My mind started working overtime. Perhaps he might come in useful. He had knowledge of the Badlands, knowledge of the Maquis, he could certainly fly a ship… I sent a message off to Starfleet Command, asking about a special assignment. Well, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. I knew I’d have a hard time selling this to Fitz, though. He loved the old man, as he called Owen Paris, but had very little time for his son.

  My crew was coming together, and I was approaching McKinley Station, where my new ship was waiting for me. I was already fielding a vastly increased number of communications—plus messages were starting to flood in from family and friends, delighted at all my news. Phoebe had said, “Damn, Kate—a ship and a fiancé in one day?! This time you’ve stolen your own thunder!” My mother said, “I am so proud of you, Katy. Dad’s heart would be bursting for joy. And Mark is a treasure. I’m so glad. You’re going to be so happy. Mark deserves it, you deserve it.” My dear family. They said everything I needed to hear, as I embarked on this new stage of my life. There was a little parcel waiting for me too; a present from Mark, beautifully wrapped. When I opened it, I found a fine copy of Dante’s The Divine Comedy. There was a note from Mark, which said: For my Beatrice—my love, my redemption, may we share a long life’s journey.

  Just as I was arriving at McKinley, I received news that the Maquis ship on which Tuvok was undercover, the Val Jean, had gone missing in the Badlands. That accelerated our plans somewhat: there would be no time to take a day to catch up with Mark and my family and celebrate our news. A huge disappointment, but this was the way it had to be. Everything was coming at me all at once (to top it all, it turned out the damn dog was pregnant…). I took the time, however, to speak to Tuvok’s wife, T’Pel, whom I had met on several occasions. This was not an easy conversation: I could not give her details of his mission, but of course she understood that he was in considerable danger. I assured her that I was going to do everything within my power to bring him home again, safely. I was his captain now. I had a duty of care, not just to my crew, but to their families. I kept that promise to T’Pel— even if it took a lot longer than any of us had anticipated, and led me to make decisions I had not expected.

  At last I arrived at McKinley, and I beamed over to take command of my beautiful new ship. I was more than ready to fall in love, and Voyager did not displease. I was met on board by my old Academy instructor (and source of many a nightmare) Vice Admiral Theoderich Patterson, and he promptly set about quizzing me. I must have passed the test, since I got a bear hug and warm congratulations, and we went on a tour of my new ship. Fifteen decks, upper limit of warp 9.975, and of course the latest in bioneural circuitry: a brand-new captain, and I had been entrusted with a brand-new ship. I was planning to take good care of her. I caught up with Fitz in sickbay (he was talking about the new Emergency Medical Holographic program, which I hadn’t had a chance to look at yet) and broke the news that we had an extra crew member joining us, and who it was. Fitz was not pleased.

  “Tom Paris is a liability,” he said. “On your own head be it, Kate.”

  Patterson had sent me a message to say that my unusual personnel request had been approved, and that I could proceed to New Zealand to speak to my man. I remember distinctly the moment I set eyes again on Thomas Eugene Paris. I hadn’t seen him since my days serving under his father on the Al-Batani, when he had been something of a sullen teenager, but I still recalled that twelve-year-old boy that I’d taken to the holodeck. It was a tragedy to see all the youthful effervescence turned into bitter resentment. At the back of my mind, I wa
s hoping that this mission might be something of a second chance for Tom; I couldn’t have guessed to what extent. It wasn’t going to be an easy ride for him. Fitz was not prepared to cut him any slack, and my XO, Cavit, had serious reservations about him too.

  “People think he’s getting an easy ride because you knew his father, Captain,” Cavit admitted.

  “Nobody on my ship will get an easy ride, Commander,” I said. “Tom Paris will have to earn his keep. But I think he can, and I think he will.”

  Just before we were ready to go, I fielded a touching request from the mother of one of my new ensigns.

  “Mrs. Kim,” I said, “I am so sorry—but we are minutes away from setting out for Deep Space 9. I’m afraid Harry will have to manage for a little while without his clarinet.”

  With the news of the disappearance of the Val Jean, we were in such a hurry. I was so worried about Tuvok, and eager to get underway. How I wish now I had said yes.

  * * *

  At Deep Space 9, I had time to exchange intelligence reports with the chief of station security, Odo, and spoke briefly to Commander Sisko about Maquis activity in the area. I was startled to learn that his former senior officer, Cal Hudson, had defected to the Maquis. Bearing in mind what I now knew about the crew of the Val Jean and its captain, Chakotay, I was starting to think that the Maquis was almost entirely run by former Starfleet officers. With the final members of the crew gathered, we proceeded toward the Badlands, and I began to ease myself into command. The Paris situation needed monitoring; otherwise I was content that my crew were well able for the mission assigned to us.

  And then everything changed.

  Has ever a captain had a first week on the job like mine? I was prepared for action so close to the border, whether it came from dealing with belligerent Maquis, treacherous Cardassians, or furious plasma storms. I was not prepared to be flung seventy thousand light-years away from home at the whim of an ancient and dying alien that was trying to make amends for ruining the world of a childlike species. Nor was I prepared to make enemies so quickly with the local Kazon warlords. And I was most certainly not prepared for Neelix, although I was damned grateful. Most of all, I had not been prepared to lose so many good people, so quickly. My first officer. My chief engineer. And, hell, my chief medical officer, Laurie Fitz, my dear old friend, who had come over specially to Voyager, because I had asked him. How I regretted that now; how I wished beyond measure that he was safe back on Caldik Prime. That was the hardest of all, and there were so many, many others, some of whom I had not even had a chance to meet properly, to hold even more than the briefest of conversations with…