What with FLOOP!s and FLOING!s and PING!s my life was getting pretty crammed with noises. And then I realised…
I was a bat!
A little squeaky bat! I knew I was little because the whole world looked BIG! And I knew I squeaked because I tried to shriek, ‘Hey, everyone, I’m a bat,’ and all that came out was, ‘Eek, eek, eek.’
And I was flying!
Up above the castle, so I could see our rose gardens and Cuddles eating a bag of cow manure (cow manure really does make roses grow, though not when it’s inside a Dromornis stirtoni). Higher and higher I flew. I could see the streets below the castle now, the traffic lights, the cars like tiny beetles, our school oval like a black blob and past it the lights of the library.
Tomorrow I’d be playing footy there against a mob of vampires. But tonight I was a bat, flying above it all.
And then we landed.
‘Are you still totally disinclined to sample a mosquito?’ asked Shaun.
I shook my head. ‘Thanks, but I’m still full of dinner.’ And I was. I had finally found a way of getting around that didn’t make me upchuck. ‘That was so hot,’ I added.
Shaun grinned. His fangs were white in the starlight. ‘It was an honour and a privilege,’ he said. Then he was a bat again, squeaking after insects in the night.
Chapter 16
Sports Day!
Mr Ploppy Bottom was waiting for us at school. I mean WAITING. Shaun, Phredde, Janet (who was Phredde’s vampire billet) and I had no sooner slid off the carpet—which is no way as much fun as being a bat—and there he was peering at us out of his office window.
He stared at us and the vampires for a second. Then his face fell just like a sand castle some little snig has poured a bucket of water over.
I nudged Phredde. ‘Guess who was just looking over at us?’
‘Ploppy Bottom?’
I nodded. ‘I think he was hoping we’d hate our billets, instead of being friends.’
Phredde shook her head. ‘I just don’t understand it! Why invite them here if he hates vampires and phaeries?’
‘Maybe that’s it,’ I said slowly. ‘Maybe he hates phaeries and vampires so much he hoped we’d wipe each other out.’
‘Wipe out two whole FOOTBALL TEAMS?’ cried Phredde. ‘Someone would notice! We’d get WAY into trouble if we wiped out a whole football team. And he warned Batrock about us too. He wouldn’t have done that if he wanted us to wipe them out. We’re just kids anyway, not vampire slayers! It doesn’t make sense.’
Suddenly there were bats all over the place—Batrock had ‘changed’ for the sports day. I was already wearing my trakkie daks, and Phredde was wearing hers too, except hers were purple and silver instead of the school colours because she’d PING!ed them so they’d look like the school uniform if any teacher saw. It was old magic, so it wasn’t breaking Mr Ploppy Bottom’s new rule.
The first sports event was the races. Well, non-event really. You try racing against a bat! Even Phredde is no match for bat wings—unless she PING!ed of course.
We lost the high jump, long jump and the basketball, and even the shotput. The vampires changed back into human form for that. But vampires have super-human strength as well.
Then it was lunchtime. There were free ice blocks as usual, and a sausage sizzle as a treat for us kids. It was a treat for the vampires too as the sizzling sausages attracted lots of flies.
Shaun came over to me as I was guzzling my fourth sausage. He really did have a nice grin.
‘Golly gosh!’ he exclaimed. ‘Those flies were indeed most enjoyable! I don’t suppose you could be persuaded to accompany me in flight once more while we enjoy a small recess for luncheon?’
I looked at the flies hovering above the barbecue. ‘No thanks. I’m not into flies.’
Shaun shook his head. ‘I’m not entirely rasorial14 you know. We could just go for a flutter!’
I glanced at Phredde. She gave me a ‘go on’ look.
And then I saw Bruce. I’d expected him to be hopping up and down by the barbecue, zapping flies as fast as he could. But he mustn’t have been hungry, because he was sitting over by the science block with Amelia. Well, it was more like Amelia was sitting next to him, because she was yakking away, and he was looking over at me and Shaun. Except when he saw me looking he looked away.
Part of me wanted to pretend I really liked Shaun to make Bruce jealous. And I did like Shaun. But not like that. He was just someone to hang around with—literally. I mean, I’d tried hanging upside down too. It was fun.
And I didn’t want to make Bruce jealous. Being jealous hurts. Bruce had hurt me but that still didn’t make me want to hurt him back.
Not that much anyway.
So I shook my head. ‘I’d better get ready for the football game. But thanks anyway.’
I looked back at Bruce to see if he was still watching, but he’d disappeared.
So I thought about the football match instead.
This game was going to be it! If we didn’t win this then Batrock would have won EVERYTHING. And even though I thought the vampires were okay now, I didn’t see why they should feel totally superior just because they had super-human strength and could fly and were faster than speeding bullets and all that stuff.
It was all up to us.
Chapter 17
The Football Match
I put on my footy boots down at the oval. Phredde fluttered down next to me, and pulled on her boots too. They were about the size of match boxes and were purple and silver to match her tracksuit.
‘This is the first time I’ve ever tied my own bootlaces!’ she informed me. ‘Bootlaces were one of the first things I ever PING!ed when I was tiny.’
I nodded sombrely. I was wondering how Phredde was going to cope in the football match without her PING!.
Phredde had never REALLY used magic in a football match before, because otherwise what was the point? She could just PING! the match and we’d have won before the match even started. But she’d always PING!ed little things, like magically zapping from one side of the field to the other or massing 200 kilos if someone tried to tackle her.
‘Where’s Bruce?’ I asked casually.
Phredde zoomed up fifty metres, looked around, then zoomed back down again. ‘Can’t see him,’ she informed me.
‘Just as I thought,’ I said gloomily. ‘He’s not going to stop being a frog, so he’s gone off somewhere. Anyway, if he wasn’t a frog he’d be no use anyway. The only training he’s ever done has been in frog form.’
The whole school had gathered on the hill above the oval now. Mr Ploppy Bottom sat with all the other teachers, beaming away as though this was the best fun he’d ever had since Santa gave him his first teddy bear.
We lined up ready to go on. I glanced over at the Batrock team and groaned.
‘What’s wrong?’ demanded Phredde.
‘How can you beat a team of bats at football!’ I brightened. ‘Hey, maybe bats can’t hold footballs.’
Phredde sniffed. ‘I bet they can,’ she said.
I looked back at the Batrock team. She was right. One of the bats was already holding the ball close to his furry little body. He gave me an excited squeak. Even at this distance I recognised Shaun’s grin.
‘All right, everyone!’ Mrs Olsen marched up and down the line in her giant mushroom sunhat. ‘I’m not going to pretend that this will be easy! Edwin, will you pay attention!’
‘Sorry, Mrs Olsen.’ Edwin stopped searching for the lost bit of his sixth free ice block that had fallen on the ground.
I glanced around swiftly. But there was still no sign of Bruce. ‘Excuse me, Mrs Olsen, but we’re a team member down,’ I told her.
‘What! Who isn’t here?’
‘Bruce,’ I informed her shortly.
‘Then someone will have to stand in for him.’ Mrs Olsen beckoned to Amelia. Good choice, I thought. Amelia’s not very fast but she’s really nasty. Just as long as she remembered to be nasty to the other
side, not to us. And maybe, I thought hopefully, she’d fall over in the mud and someone would tread on her.
‘Just remember your tactics!’ cried Mrs Olsen. ‘Keep the ball low! Once it gets into the air they’ll grab it. Remember, bats rely on sounds bouncing off objects to see where things are! So move fast to confuse them! And whatever you do, keep your necks covered!’
‘But these vampires don’t vampirise humans!’ I pointed out.
‘That is true,’ agreed Mrs Olsen. ‘But bare necks excite any vampire! Don’t give them more of an adrenalin rush than necessary. Now get in there and go for the jugular!’ She coughed politely. ‘I mean, just go in there and try very hard.’
We jogged onto the oval and the crowd cheered. It felt great, even if we hadn’t done anything to cheer about yet. Mr Ploppy Bottom cheered the loudest. He even stood up and clapped his hands above his head. He really looked as if he was enjoying himself.
It doesn’t make sense, I said to myself. Doesn’t make sense at all.
And then there was no time to think. Just to grab the ball and run.
Ten minutes into the match, and no one had scored. In fact we were pretty evenly matched. Our ground tactics were better than theirs, and even in the air they didn’t have it all their own way. Shaun had just scooped the ball from Edwin (I think he’d been dreaming about his lost ice block) and was flying down the field when Phredde zoomed up like a berserker butterfly. (Berserkers were wild, frenzied Viking fighters.)
You can’t tackle a bat in mid-air. So Phredde just sat on his back and bounced up and down till he let the ball go.
And I was underneath to grab it!
I pounded down the field. Closer…closer…suddenly a bat landed on my head. Its wings slipped over my eyes.
I couldn’t see!
Did a bat sitting on your head count as a tackle? I passed the ball to Amelia anyway, because it’s hard to run in the right direction with bat wings over your eyes. She passed it to Jason…and a bat tried to intercept!
Then Phredde had the ball up in the air again. The crowd went wild!
‘Come on, Phredde!’ I screamed.
Half a dozen vampire bats darted towards her. Phredde zoomed higher, and higher still!
How high can bats fly? I wondered. How high can phaeries fly without their magic to help them?
Phredde was just a speck in the sky now. Then suddenly ZOOOM! Phredde arrowed down. The air cracked behind her as she broke the sound barrier.
And it was a touchdown!!!!!
‘Phredde, Phredde, Phredde!’ the whole school chanted. A flock of pigeons plummeted down onto the oval. They’d fainted from the impact of Phredde’s shock wave. The first-aid team raced out to revive them.
The score was four–nil! We were winning!
Edwin had the ball now! Could he convert the try?
I held my breath. You never know with Edwin. If Edwin’s paying attention he kicks like a kangaroo. But if he was still thinking about his ice block he might kick in totally the wrong direction.
Edwin took aim. I held my breath. It looked okay! He was even facing the right way!
The ball sailed over the goalposts!
The crowd was jumping so high I thought there’d be an earthquake when they landed. ‘Edwin! Edwin!’
Edwin looked like every ice block he’d ever dropped had jigsawed back together again! And his smile looked wide enough to eat them all.
And then…and then…before the ball plummeted to the ground behind the posts it changed direction. It sailed back across the goalposts and onto the ground. It bounced to the ground, right at Edwin’s feet, then stopped.
What had happened? And then I realised! The vampires had all fluttered their wings at the same time to make a breeze!
But we were still ahead!
The Batrock team were hanging upside down together under the goalposts, discussing their tactics. Now and then they cast dirty bat-like looks our way.
‘We rock! We’re the champions!’ I chortled.
‘Not yet we’re not,’ warned Amelia.
I nodded more seriously. Even Amelia looked good to me at the moment. ‘But we’re in with a chance! We can really show those mosquito-suckers what’s what!’
The ref blew his whistle. It was on again!
Batrock got the ball this time. A small dark-haired bat arrowed down to the goalposts, too fast for Phredde to catch him. He was going to pass right over our heads!
‘Amelia! Here!’ I yelled.
If there’s one good thing about Amelia, it’s that she thinks fast. She raced over to me. I heaved her up onto my shoulders (playing tag every afternoon with a Dromornis stirtoni gives you muscles) just as the dark bat flew over us.
Zap! Amelia reached up and grabbed the ball! She leapt down from my shoulders and careered down the field. Half a dozen bats flapped above her.
‘Hey, foul!’ roared Phredde. ‘Bat droppings in the eyes is foul!’
‘Really foul!’ muttered Amelia, wiping the droppings out of her eyes and trying to stagger on. But it was too late.
One of the bats swooped down and scooped the ball from her hands, then flapped madly towards the line. It was a touchdown!
The score was equal! But could they convert the try? Maybe bats are lousy kickers, I thought hopefully.
FLOOP! Suddenly there was a kid on the field instead of a bat. He steadied the ball then aimed and kicked.
It was a careless sort of kick. It’s not going to make it, I thought happily. It’s going far too wide.
Then my smile faded. Batrock were flapping their wings again. It wasn’t much of a breeze, but it was enough—the ball went over!
They were ahead!
‘Hey!’ I said. ‘Is that in the rules?’
The referee looked worried. ‘There’s nothing in the rules that says competitors can’t flap their wings on the field.’ He blew his whistle and we were off again!
I had the ball now, till a flying bat zapped me behind the knees. I passed it to Phredde, but the bats had her covered, three of them flying in formation above her. Phredde made a wild pass to Amelia, but a bat caught it in mid-air and went flying, down towards the goalposts!
Firrrp! Saved by the whistle. It was half-time!
Chapter 18
Will the Bloodsuckers Win?
We all flopped by the sidelines while Mrs Olsen handed out orange halves and flasks of water. I was about to ask Phredde to PING! up some iced watermelon, then remembered. No magic. It was really boring living without PING!s.
Mrs Olsen was really worked up now. Even if her friend was the Batrock Central teacher, she wanted us to win! She kept sipping from her thermos flask as she strode up and down. ‘Now, this is the plan! Edwin, I want you to…’
‘Excuse me, Mrs Olsen,’ said Edwin.
‘What? Now, it’s really important that you…’
‘But, Mrs Olsen…’
‘Edwin, don’t interrupt! You have to make sure you…’
‘I’m going to be sick!’ said Edwin. ‘Gurrrp!’
And he was.
If you’ve ever wondered what six artificial ice-block colours look like all combined in one tummy then vomited up, I can only say…no, I won’t. You might never eat an ice block again.
We moved upwind a bit while the first-aid team took Edwin indoors.
‘Now what?’ cried Mrs Olsen. ‘We’ll be playing one team member down!’
‘Mrs Olsen!’ yelled Phredde, pointing behind me. ‘Look!’
I turned my head, just as a frog hopped out of the car park and down the hill towards the oval.
It was the biggest frog I had ever seen! Except for Bruce, of course. But this frog didn’t look like Bruce at all! It didn’t even look like a real frog! For a start, it was bright green with a yellow tummy, instead of shiny brown, and it had a big red fake-looking smile, and its skin looked flat and almost furry, instead of damp.
There was something weird about the way it hopped too.
It was getting clo
ser, closer…the fake frog was almost on us now.
‘Hi!’ said the fake frog. ‘I’m sorry I’m late.’
‘Bruce!’ I yelled. I quite forgot I wasn’t talking to him.
‘The costume hire place was still ironing the frog suit!’ explained Bruce. ‘They wouldn’t let me have it till it was ironed.’
‘But…but…’ I said.
‘I TOLD them it didn’t have to be ironed for a football match,’ added Bruce. ‘But they insisted.’
‘But…but…’ said Mrs Olsen. She blinked behind her dark glasses. ‘WHY are you in a frog costume, Bruce?’
‘Because Mr Ploppy…I mean, Plothiebotham said I couldn’t play if I was using magic to be a frog. But I’m not a frog now. I’m in a frog costume.’
‘Couldn’t you just play without the costume?’ Mrs Olsen looked a bit out of her depth.
Bruce shook his bright green head. ‘I only know how to play football as a frog!’
‘Oh,’ said Mrs Olsen. ‘That’s…’ She shook her head helplessly as the ref blew his whistle again. Half-time was over.
We trailed out onto the field. Those bats had a furry, determined look now. They knew we wouldn’t be easily beaten. Vampire bats aren’t used to losing. And neither are we, alliophobes15! I thought. I wondered if we should have had garlic instead of oranges at half-time. No, I thought, that wouldn’t have been playing fair.
The Batrock bats flapped about a metre off the field, their little vampire fangs gleaming in the sun. But one of the advantages of having a vampire as a teacher is that fangs don’t make you fret.
‘Ribbet. Ribbet.’ Bruce bounced up and down gently in the middle of the field. Somehow he sounded even more like a frog now, when he wasn’t a frog at all.
I was so glad to see him I didn’t even bother glaring at him. Okay, so he’d stopped being a frog—sort of—for the football match, even if he hadn’t bothered to change for my party. But at least he was here now!
The ball soared into the air above us. Bruce bounced high, and higher still. But not high enough. Batrock had the ball! It was a blond bat now, zooming down the field, his little bat body casting a speeding shadow on the grass.
The Phredde Collection Page 48
