Chapter Twelve
Susan stoked the fireplace while Tess warmed up the chili she’d put in the Crock-Pot before going to work. When the weather got colder, she brought out her Crock-Pot recipes of soups, chili, and stews. Nothing said cold weather like the aroma emanating from Tess’s kitchen. Sometimes Tess got Molly’s magic bread dough and baked it at home, making the house smell even more delicious.
Susan loved the intimacy of Tess’s house. There were always lit candles and soft music playing. Scarves were thrown over lampshades, creating colorful mosaics on the walls, and giving the living room a soothing ambience. The fireplace added appeal. Susan thought back to the times they’d made love in front of the fireplace. Even in the middle of July, Tess would turn up the air conditioning, light the fire, and put a soft blanket in front of it with oversized pillows. They’d lie there talking about everything or nothing, listening to the crackle and pop of the flames. Susan had never felt more comfortable with anyone—not even Carrie, the supposed love of her life that she was going to marry once upon a time.
Susan remembered the first time she’d met Tess. She’d been at the park with Rosa and Steph. Tess had been out playing disc golf with Parker. It had been the first anniversary of her non-wedding, the day her fiancée had run off with the wedding planner. She had literally been jilted at the altar. It was the worst moment of her life. Then exactly one year later, to the day, Tess had come walking across the park, looking sexy and gorgeous, and things didn’t seem quite so horrible anymore. Of course, Susan wouldn’t have acted on her sudden attraction to Tess if Steph and Rosa hadn’t played matchmaker. She was glad now that they had.
“How’s it going out there?” Tess asked, popping her head out of the kitchen. Susan had been standing motionless before the fireplace, mesmerized by the flames.
“Oh, sorry,” Susan said, bringing herself back to the present.
Tess moved behind Susan and wrapped her arms around her, resting her chin on Susan’s shoulder. “A penny for your thoughts.”
“I don’t sell them that cheap.”
Tess nuzzled her neck. “Does that mean you don’t want to share?”
“No. I was just thinking about how comfortable I am with you. It’s a nice change.”
“I’m glad. I’ve never liked anyone as much as you. Usually, I’d be annoyed by now. We’ve passed the six-month marker and I still adore you.”
They hadn’t said “I love you,” yet. It niggled at Susan’s consciousness, but she batted it away with the expertise of a person who’s had a broken heart. She did have strong feelings for Tess, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for a full commitment.
“You’re not so bad yourself,” Susan said.
Tess swatted her on the ass. Susan laughed. “You even make me laugh and that’s impressive. Very few people are able to pierce my doctorial gravitas.”
“You were thinking about Carrie.”
Susan knew it wasn’t a question. “I’m beginning to realize that the feelings I had for Carrie may not have been love. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. Does that make me a poor judge of character?”
Tess stared at the fireplace, giving the question some thought. “No, it makes Carrie a lying bitch.”
“You won’t get an argument from me there.”
“No one should ever be put through what that woman did to you,” Tess said harshly.
“I know I have a lot of baggage from it. Thank you for being patient with me.”
“I’m a patient person,” Tess said. She stared deep into Susan’s eyes, searching for what lay there.
Susan brightened. “Let’s have some of that famous chili of yours. I’m starving.”
“That’s another thing I love about you. Your appetite,” Tess said. She suddenly colored. She’d accidentally said the “L” word. They both ignored it.
“Thank goodness I have an amazing metabolism or I’d be in deep trouble.”
“Eat as much as you want,” Tess said. “We’ll work it off later.”
***
After dinner, they sipped wine in front of the fireplace. Tess piled up pillows so they could lean back in comfort. It was these quiet evenings that Tess liked best. Susan’s mercurial work schedule made them all the more precious. Sam Cooke played on the stereo in the background. The fire crackled and popped. Tess put another log on the fire.
“Sam’s adoption went through today,” Tess said.
“That was quick.”
“We put him on the fast track before his mother could cause more trouble. I swear that woman is nuts. One minute she can’t bear to let him go, the next she’s ignoring him, making plans with her bar buddies, texting away while we’re discussing Sam’s future. He still loves her, too, which makes it harder. He worries that she won’t be able to take care of herself. No matter how many times I tell him that it’s her job to take care of him, he still thinks he should take care of her. I don’t think he’ll ever be rid of her. I can see him as an adult giving her money or a place to crash, bailing her out of jail for the rest of her life,” Tess said.
“Love does funny things to people. It’s hard to let destructive people go, I should know. He’s a good kid who deserves better,” Susan said.
“Jeb and Clementine will give him the life he deserves. They adore him. And Sam loves having Luke as his big brother,” Tess said. She wondered if the destructive person Susan was referring to was Carrie. What if Carrie showed back up? Would Susan be able to cut that tie if Carrie came crawling back? God, she hoped so. Tess knew she was in deep. She loved Susan. She hoped that it was reciprocal. Just because they hadn’t said those three little words didn’t mean that love wasn’t there.
“It’s good the holidays are coming. They’ll be fun for him and maybe it’ll help him get over his mother and let her go,” Susan said.
“Or make him worry about what his mom is doing,” Tess said.
“True,” Susan said with a deep sigh.
They sat in silence, staring into the fire. Tess finally broke it. “How’s it going with Rosa?”
“You tell me,” Susan said. She sipped her wine.
“Huh?”
“Are Parker and Rosa up to something?”
“I honestly don’t know,” Tess said. She and Parker didn’t spend as much time together as they used to because Parker and Amy were almost inseparable. Tess understood that. She liked Amy. They’d all spent the summer playing disc golf together. Once the weather turned cold, disc golf came to an end and Tess hadn’t seen much of Parker lately.
Susan raised an eyebrow.
“I really don’t know. I do know that Parker and Rosa spend a lot of time together. That’s all I know.” She raised two fingers in the Girl Scout oath, “I swear.”
“I believe you,” Susan said.
“I’m sure Parker has it all under control. She might just inspire Rosa to greater heights.”
“I hope so,” Susan said. She sipped her wine.
“You know what I hope?”
“What?”
Tess nervously fingered the fringe on the pillow. “No, now’s not the time. Forget it,” Tess said. It was hard with Susan nestled next to her to not profess her love. She wanted them to live together. She wanted them to finally say “I love you.” She wanted them to be honest with each other about where their relationship was heading.
Tess didn’t want them to be one of those couples that perpetually dated because it was comfortable. No shared space, no shared bank accounts, no real mess if things didn’t work out. When they fought, the other one went home and stayed there. Sometimes they’d make up and other times days of silence would pass. One might send flowers to the other or send a text with “I’m sorry.” It was stasis. Inertia. Tess didn’t want inertia. She wanted…ertia. Was that even a word?
It was now or never. Tess swallowed her fear and looked at Susan.
“What? Tell me,” Susan said.
“Do you really want to know?” Tess asked, her fac
e serious. The time for verbal tennis was over. She stopped herself, unsure of the response she would get from Susan. Did she want to go here? Hadn’t she talked herself into being patient, into waiting for the right moment to tell Susan she loved her?
It hadn’t been but thirty minutes ago that she was being reasonable. She had made up her mind that she wasn’t going to place her heart on the railroad tracks, but here she was about to say all the things she’d kept inside, and the train was barreling down on them. Was six months too short of a time? Susan didn’t have to move in right away, but Tess needed to know if there would be a time in the future when they’d box up Susan’s austere house and begin to do what most lesbians did after a few dates—move in together. If they didn’t do it soon, they might never.
“All this silence is making me nervous,” Susan said.
Tess saw the vein in Susan’s forehead—the one she kissed when they made love— pulse. That was a sure sign that Susan was stressed. In lovemaking, it signaled desire. But this time Tess knew it was pulsing with anxiety. “We shouldn’t talk about it.”
Susan furrowed her brow in evident confusion. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Tess sat up. “No!” Her heart banged in her chest like a wooden spoon on a metal pot. Her brain clanged in confusion. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I need to go back to being patient.”
“Patient with what?”
“Susan, do you really not get it?” She knew she sounded terse. “What I mean is…us? What are we doing? What are we going to do? Where are we headed?”
Her confusion was evident, but Susan didn’t say anything. Tess knew that Susan wasn’t one for dramatic scenes. According to Parker, even when being jilted at the altar in front of her family and friends, Susan had maintained a sense of decorum and walked out head held high, eyes straight ahead. She’d turned around at the church’s doors and announced that the reception would go on and to have fun. Everyone instinctively knew she wouldn’t be attending. It would be too embarrassing and sad for them all.
Susan abruptly stood. “I should go. I’ve got the early shift tomorrow.”
Tess was startled. “Don’t. I didn’t mean to make you leave.”
“No, it’s fine, really. We’ll talk tomorrow. Lunch maybe?”
Slamming her head back against the pillow, Tess counted to ten, classic anger management strategy. She didn’t want to scare Susan even further away. “Okay, sure, fine,” she said. She really wanted to scream at Susan for being so dense, for avoiding the subject, for not trusting Tess with her heart, for giving up on love before they’d even gotten started.
Susan took her wine glass to the kitchen and grabbed her coat off the back of the sofa. “So, I’ll see you later,” she said. Her voice raised at the last word like it was more of a question than a statement.
Tess caught it. “Yeah,” she said. She got up and walked Susan to the door. She kissed her lightly on the lips. “Tomorrow.”
Susan looked at her again, confusion flashing across her face. She opened the door and left.
Tess downed the last of her wine. Impulsively, she threw the glass across the room where it shattered against the wall. Trembling from anger—at Susan, at herself—she got a broom and dustpan to clean it up. She remembered doing this same thing with one of her ex-girlfriends. They would scream, throw things, break things, and, still arguing, help each other clean up the mess. It was crazy.
It wasn’t something Tess wanted to relive.
***
Susan sat in her car, not moving. She told herself she was letting it warm up before heading out. The windshield was frosted over, she rationalized. “Damn it!” She banged her hand on the steering wheel. She should’ve banged her head instead. She was so stupid! She knew damn well what Tess was talking about. Tess wanted them to move in together, to say the words that would seal the deal—make them more than lovers.
Why couldn’t she trust her heart? It was ridiculous. Tess was not Carrie. Not even close. Tess loved her. She loved Tess. But saying it, moving in, becoming partners, investing in their future together was too much, too soon. Or was it? Would there ever be a right time? Or would she put it off forever until Tess drifted away and found someone who would commit?
“Damn it, damn it, damn it,” she said, hitting the steering wheel with her palm. She wanted to scream—at herself, at Carrie, at her cursed heart. Tears streamed down her face and instead of batting them away, instead of ignoring their cause, she let herself cry. It felt good to let go. Perhaps that had been her problem all along. She’d stuffed her emotions down so deep in a hole, wrapped in a blanket of self-denial, that it took almost losing Tess to bring love to the surface.
She suddenly realized it didn’t have to be this way. She was in control. She could yank the reins out of the hands of her past and guide herself to a better place. All she had to do was look Tess in the eye and tell her what she felt.
Susan dug around in the glove box until she found a packet of Kleenex. She blew her nose and sat up straight. She turned the engine off. Her vigil to lost love stopped right here. It ended this moment. She took a deep breath and readied herself for love, to let love heal her heart, and teach herself to trust. She would take a chance.
She walked up to Tess’s door and knocked. The door opened immediately.
“I was just coming out,” Tess said. It was true. She had her coat on. “I’m so sorry,” she said. Her eyes were red, too.
“I love you,” Susan blurted. She pulled Tess into a fierce embrace and said, “I don’t want to live without you.”
Fresh tears sprang to Tess’s eyes. Tears of relief. “I love you, too.”
“Should we discuss moving in together now?” Susan asked.
Tess laughed. “Let’s enjoy this moment first.”
“Okay…”
Tess took Susan’s hand and pulled her inside the house. She shut the door behind them, slipped off her coat, took off Susan’s coat, and lips pressed together, they sank to the floor. They made love eagerly, urgently, allowing their hunger and passion to consume them.
Chapter Thirteen
“I think Rosa is having an affair,” Steph said.
Steph and Ruth were at the fire station, straightening and cleaning equipment. Everything was black with ash and soot. They’d gotten a call early that morning to the Whispering Pines trailer park. An electric heater had been knocked over and caught the curtains on fire. Luckily, no one was hurt, due to the smoke alarm that a kid had brought home from school after a fire safety talk that Steph had given. His mother had been smart enough to put it up. This gave Steph hope that her safety program at local and regional schools really did work. The trailer was toast but only property had been lost. Property could be replaced. Lives couldn’t. The local relief society were on the scene within hours to help the family. God bless them.
“An affair? How do you know that?” Ruth asked. She coiled the water hose to ready it for the next fire that would inevitably come far too soon. Unfortunately, house fires increased with the colder weather. It kept them busy.
“I saw her getting dropped off at home by a woman I’d never seen before. It was suspicious. They sat in the car talking a long time before Rosa got out.”
“That could be anything. What was so suspicious?” Ruth asked.
“Rosa never said a thing about it. It’s like she was hiding it.”
“And you didn’t ask who the woman was?”
“I was waiting for her to tell me. Why wouldn’t she tell me if it was all innocent? It’s happened several times. Same car. Same woman.”
“Are you spying on her?”
Steph polished the brass on the fire house fittings. She didn’t meet Ruth’s gaze. “No. The first couple of times I saw them was by accident. I was coming home from shopping one time, and the other I was back from the dentist sooner than I’d expected. I waited at the end of the street and watched.”
“That sounds like spying to me.”
Steph ignored t
he accusation. “Why wouldn’t Rosa tell me if there was nothing to it? Then, there’s the two of my four days off that she leaves with Parker and is gone all morning. She told me that she was helping Parker with some stuff but didn’t elaborate. Every time I ask where she went, she snaps at me that she doesn’t need a babysitter.”
“Maybe she needs some time alone. Or she just wants to get out of the house. Parker’s just trying to keep her busy,” Ruth said, putting the fire hose back on the fire engine.
“But we always do everything together on my days off. Why would that change now?”
Ruth shrugged. “It does sound odd. Why don’t you just ask her about it?”
“Easier said than done.”
“Because?” Ruth grabbed polish and a rag and began polishing alongside Steph.
“I shouldn’t have to pry. Isn’t part of having a good relationship based on total honesty?”
“Not according to some people. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you hand over complete sovereignty.”
“Come on, we’re lesbians. We do everything together,” Steph said, rubbing harder on the brass than she needed to. It was driving her crazy and she knew once she got all wound up about something she inevitably did something stupid.
“Maybe she’s Christmas shopping,” Ruth said.
“Then why wouldn’t she just say so? Do you think I should hire a private investigator?”
“If you want to get a divorce,” Ruth said.
“But if it put my mind at ease, that would be a good thing,” Steph said, dipping her cloth into the brass polish.
“It would also make Rosa very angry. She’d think you didn’t trust her.”
“What if she didn’t know?”
“Then you’re being duplicitous,” Ruth said.
“But isn’t she the one being duplicitous by not telling me where she’s going?” Steph said.
“Not necessarily. She’s just keeping to herself. Doesn’t it make you feel better that she’s with Parker?”
Straight from the Heart Page 17
