by Shauna Allen
I’d ignored him, but his words still smarted. This was exactly the biased attitude Jesse, and everyone like him, did not deserve from those sworn to represent them in a court of law. It was bigoted and hypocritical, and frankly, disgusting. When had our firm become that?
When I finished up, I stepped out the front doors of the court into the Texas sunshine, and smack into the person who’d been on my mind more and more lately. I grinned. “Ms. Williams.”
The older woman, in a gypsy style skirt today, but her same Birkenstocks, paused, her smiling eyes taking me in. “It’s Daisy, please. Nice to see you again . . . Rachel, is it?”
Pleasantly surprised that she remembered me, I nodded. “Yes. How have you been?”
“Just wonderful. Though we’ve been getting bombarded with pro bono requests lately. I’m not sure what’s going on, but we’re having to turn so many away. Guess that’s what happens when everyone wants help and so few offer it. I just wish we had the resources to do it. And a couple more attorneys interested in the cause. Unfortunately, pro bono doesn’t pay the bills.” She laughed at her own joke.
My ears tuned in as my heart sped up, a vague thought whispering through my mind. “That’s true . . . but what if someone was willing to join?”
Her gray brows wrinkled. “Join? The firm?”
The idea began to take root and I couldn’t ignore it. Perhaps it had been there since we first met, festering with every argument with Angelo. I wanted a change. Needed it.
I’d talked with Weston last night, and after we dissected the shock of having a little sister, we agreed to re-divide Daddy’s assets to include a third for Aubrey. But that still left me with a sizeable chunk of my own that I could invest in the right cause. I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes.”
Daisy tilted her head. “Are you serious? You’d leave your practice to join a couple of hippie do-gooders?”
I laughed. “I think I might be a hippie do-gooder in disguise myself. My partners certainly seem to think so.”
She pulled me aside as people began to crowd the front walkway on their way to court, their business suits and serious expressions reinforcing this choice. “You do realize, if you did that, it would most likely be a significant decrease in your income? Many of our clients are poor, we charge on a sliding scale.”
Joy began to unfurl in my chest. “I can handle that. If you’ll consider it. I suppose you’ll need to talk to your partner?”
She studied me for several long moments, probably thinking I was messing with her. “You, girl, are either crazy or an angel. But I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’ll talk to Marge, but I’m sure she’ll be on board with the idea. If you’re absolutely sure?”
I thought back to that sweet, wounded child I’d seen with her last time. “Do all of your clients need you as much as that little girl and her grandfather I met that day?”
She looked puzzled, but her face cleared quickly. “Yes. I wouldn’t do this otherwise.”
“Then I think that’s just what the doctor ordered.”
She didn’t waste time arguing with me or trying to talk me out of it. We exchanged contact information and she promised to call to set up a meeting with me and her partner very soon.
I left the courthouse feeling lighter than I had in days. Weeks, maybe, other than when I had been in Jesse’s arms.
But would I ever be there again? Could the warmth of my career be enough?
That night, I splurged on Chinese takeout and my newest favorite pastime. Babysitting.
Blake and Delilah were out on a rare date night while I got my fill of cuddling their little girl. Inhaling her sweet baby scents of shampoo and innocence, I let myself daydream, for just a moment, that she was mine. That I actually had this kind of perfect love in my life.
Yes, I loved my career, and I was especially excited about this new opportunity with Daisy, but that didn’t stop the deepest, most human parts of me from wishing for more. A husband, children, a home full of love and laughter . . .
A knock at my front door interrupted my fantasy. Just as well, it was pointless.
I glanced at the clock. It was too early for my friends to be getting back from their dinner. I tucked Molly into my hip and moved to the door. My heart leapt into my throat when I glanced through the peephole.
With a deep breath, I swung open the door.
Jesse’s iridescent blue gaze tracked over my face, then to Molly in my arms, then back to me. “Hi.”
He might’ve just gotten out of jail that afternoon, but tonight he was positively delicious. Freshly showered, he smelled of soap and the ocean and him. He hadn’t shaved, a light stubble framing his perfect face. Clean jeans and a form-fitting T-shirt nearly as blue as his eyes clung to his body. He lifted his mouth in a small grin as he watched me ogle him. Busted. A hot blush burned my cheeks. “Hi.”
He shoved his hands in his front pockets. “Can I come in?”
Stepping back, I opened the door wider. “Sure.”
I closed the door as he made his way slowly to the living room. I held the baby closer and watched him as he moved around, studying my things as if he’d never seen them before. Finally, he faced me, his eyes unreadable. “I wanted to thank you. For today . . . for everything. I appreciate your help and I’m sorry I acted like a dick. That wasn’t called for. Not when you were only being a friend.”
He might as well have slapped me. “Is that what we are? Friends?”
He shuffled as if uncomfortable. “Isn’t that what you want?”
I took him in through fresh eyes. Putting my feelings for him aside, I could see he was hurting and confused, just like I was. But hadn’t I made my intentions clear? Did he really doubt me?
We both glanced down when Molly began to fuss and squirm. “Just a sec,” I said as I moved to her diaper bag and found her pacifier. When she spit it out with a wail, I offered Jesse an apologetic look. “Gimme a few minutes to get her fed and asleep, okay?”
“Babysitting, huh?” He followed me to the kitchen, where I began preparing a bottle.
I smiled. “Yeah. Blake and Delilah wanted to go out and I love watching her.”
I felt his eyes on me as I padded around the kitchen, but he didn’t say a word. We finally settled back on the couch and he continued to study me as I fed Molly the bottle until she was sated and drowsy in my arms.
“You’re good at that,” he commented quietly, making me peer up at him. “You’re a natural.”
I glanced back to the baby’s sleeping face. “Thank you.”
“Do you want kids?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t meet those inscrutable eyes, keeping my focus on the baby in my arms.
“You’ll be a great mother,” he said, his voice low and rough.
I looked up, unable to stop myself, and was snared in his hot gaze. Somehow, I could see my future in his eyes. I didn’t just want to be a wife and mother. I wanted him. I wanted his children. Batting the sudden tears away, I turned and rose to put the baby down in her porta-crib. I’d gotten way too carried away in my fairytale dreams and it was time to stop.
Once I had Molly settled, quiet and content in my bedroom, I returned to the living room and found Jesse exactly where I’d left him, but he was bent over with his elbows resting on his knees, his head bowed.
He lifted his head when he heard me. “I want to be more than your friend, Rachel,” he said with a rush of emotion I hadn’t heard from him before. “I just don’t know . . . what the hell? How could you possibly want to be with me now? You’ve seen what my life is . . . all it can ever be. You deserve so much more than that.”
“More than you?” I stood directly in front of him and my heart began to thrum as he automatically shifted so I was between his knees, his hands on my hips.
He nuzzled my stomach. “Yes.”
Forking my fingers through his hair, I lifted his head so he looked me in the eye. “You’re all I want, Jesse. You’re all I’ve ever wa
nted.”
“God,” he mumbled against my skin and I heard the tortured self-doubt that coated his voice.
Suddenly, I needed to show him the truth. Make him believe in me; in my feelings for him. Overcome, I dropped to my knees between his legs and cupped his rough cheek. “Jesse. . .” I whispered, silently pleading with him to hear me. “I love you. So much.”
He squeezed his eyes closed as if in pain, his head shaking back and forth in denial.
“Jesse.” I stilled his head with my hands and waited until his eyes slid open and found mine. “I love you. I love you. I. Love. You.” I spoke slowly, clearly, with all the conviction I could muster. “Please believe me.”
A burst of air rushed from him as something seemed to break free. “I love you, too.”
Joy and relief and love poured through me like a cleansing rainstorm. He loved me. He’d actually said the words.
I launched myself into his arms and sealed my mouth to his, pouring all the love I had into my kiss. He moaned and used one hand to angle my hip closer and the other at my nape to lead the kiss. Our tongues slid across the other in a sensual dance, twisting and tasting, increasing my yearning to a fever pitch.
His hand slid up my waist to cup my breast. I pressed into him, begging for more, but he seemed content to love my mouth and caress my body as though afraid he’d break me.
I drew back and stared at him, my breathing ragged. “Say it again,” I demanded.
“I love you.”
We gazed into each other’s eyes for the longest time. Unmoving, but feeling everything. It was like the last missing puzzle piece of my life had slid into place and my future was right in front of me. Humbling me.
Without a word, I reached for his shirt and lifted the hem. He sat up a bit and helped me get it off and tossed it to the end of the couch. With trembling hands, I moved to his belt buckle and slid open his jeans. I met his heated gaze as I indicated for him to lift his hips. I shimmied his jeans and underwear off, yanking his boots on the way, until he was naked before me, his breath heaving through his chest. I peeked down and laid my hand on his ankle monitor. I sensed him still above me, anxious. Bending, I placed a quick kiss to his ankle then rose to catch his eye. The gratitude shining back at me nearly made me crumble. I turned my attention to his chest, his stomach, that perfect V. I traced each one of his tattoos, following with my mouth, until I was once again positioned between his knees, my lips poised above his hipbone.
He sucked in a breath as I traced the firm muscle there that dipped into his abdomen and lower. I placed openmouthed kisses along his groin and inner thighs.
Desperate to show my love, I tasted him, my eyes now locked on his. He didn’t move other than to clench his fists next to his legs. As I sucked and kissed and loved him, his eyes eventually slid closed, his body becoming tense, his ragged breathing the only sound in the room.
“Rachel,” he pleaded, his voice hoarse.
I paused and he yanked me up, drug my shorts down, then positioned me so I straddled him. I let him take the lead as he made love to me with a depth of emotion I’d never felt before, never thought I’d have. Tears filled my eyes as we peaked together and emotion soared within me, surpassing even the exquisite pleasure.
Jesse
After we made love, Rachel pulled a blanket over us and readjusted so we were spooning within the tight confines of the couch. She wiggled her bottom against my groin and I smiled against her skin as I placed a kiss to her shoulder. There were probably a million things I loved about this woman, but these last days, I’d found the one thing that made her heart the other half of mine.
She accepted me, loved me, in spite of myself.
My ugly past, my criminal record, my tortured soul . . . they meant nothing to her. She simply loved me.
Curling into me, she gripped my hand and linked our fingers, pressing a kiss to my knuckles before tucking it under her chin. “I’ve been waiting years for this,” she whispered.
I laid my head on my bent arm, reveling in her warmth. “What?”
She shifted and peered at me over her shoulder. “You.”
I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean? You have me.”
Turning back over, she nestled even deeper into my chest. “No. All of you. Your body and your heart. I’m selfish like that.”
“Selfish is the last word I’d use to describe you, baby.” I nuzzled her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo. If only she knew how long she’d had me. “You help people every day at your job. You helped me.”
She stilled immediately.
“What? What’s wrong?”
With a sigh, she flipped so we were belly to belly and her deep, dark eyes snared mine. “About that . . .”
“About what? What’re you talking about?”
Her gaze dipped then met mine again. “I’m not going to be working at the firm anymore. I’ve taken another position.”
I processed this a moment, not sure why she’d be shy about telling me. Her career was her business, I just wanted her to be happy. Then a thought hit me that made me sick. “Did something happen?” I tipped her chin up. “Did Angelo do something to you?”
Her face wrinkled in confusion, but it cleared quickly. “What? Oh. No. It’s not that. Not exactly.”
“Then what? Exactly?”
She tucked a curl behind her ear then cupped my waist with her warm hand. “You know I’ve been having some issues with Angelo and the other partners with some differences of opinion on how we should run things . . . the types of clients we should represent.” Wide eyes met mine. “Well, I’ve had enough of pretending that I’m not suffocating there. I’m miserable. So, I’m talking to another firm that takes the types of cases I’m more interested in. They truly help people.”
As I listened to her talk about the other attorney she’d met and their pro bono work, I watched her become more and more animated as joy began to fill her. She was happy and that made me happy.
“And now that West and I have decided to split Dad’s money three ways, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I can still afford to do what I want, but—”
“Wait. What? Why are you guys talking about all that again and splitting up your inheritance?”
Her mouth popped open then she snapped it closed. “Shit. I didn’t tell you, did I?”
“Tell me what?”
“I have a sister.”
“A sister?” I echoed.
“Yeah.” A sweet smile lifted her lips as though she couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Aubrey.”
I laid there silently holding her as she told me about her father’s papers and finding out about this secret part of his life. It was almost too crazy to believe. But apparently she’d laid eyes on the girl and had no doubts.
“She looks like me.” She giggled. “Curly red hair and all.”
I kissed her nose. “I’ll bet she’s gorgeous then.”
One of her shoulders lifted in a gentle shrug. “She’s adorable . . .”
“But?”
She met my eyes. “I wish I understood why . . . I hate that my dad kept a secret like that. I hate secrets in general. They always hurt.”
I couldn’t face her so I dipped my face into the warmth of her neck. She’d shown me her trust by sharing everything with me tonight . . . her family secrets, her career hiccups, her heart.
It shamed me that I couldn’t do the same.
The words were on the tip of my tongue, desperate to be spoken, to ease the burden I’d carried all my life. But I just could not do it.
Her fingers speared through my hair, massaging my scalp in sweet circles. “Promise me you’ll never lie to me, Jesse. I can take anything if you’re honest with me, but I don’t think I could take that.”
My throat convulsed and I swallowed thickly. “Sure, baby,” I murmured, placing kisses along her shoulder and neck.
My diversionary tactic worked as she sighed and relaxed into me, her hand skating down my arm then ba
ck up to clutch my shoulder.
She whispered hot love words in my ear as I ground my hard body against hers. I held her desperately, shoving my fears away. There was no reason to soil her with my baggage. No reason to let it ruin what we had now. I could contain the soul-eating filth for the rest of my life if I had to. Anything to keep her safe and happy and in my arms. Anything.
I stayed at Rachel’s as long as I dared and slipped out just as Blake and Delilah arrived to pick up their sleeping baby.
Blake gave me a knowing smirk, which I ignored, and I headed home. Micah was already in bed when I got there, which was just as well. I didn’t want to have to force small talk, or worse yet, explain myself when he started asking deep questions. He always had a knack for seeing to the heart of the matter and knowing when shit was up. I was never happier to have the dark apartment to myself.
As I settled into bed, my phone dinged with a text.
I luv u
I stared at Rachel’s words, letting them sink in and fill me. She loved me. After tonight, I had no doubt. But was it enough? I loved her more than I thought possible, so much it had my heart overflowing and threatening to burst. Still, I had this unexplainable feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I shook it off and texted back. I love you too baby . . . Goodnight xo
What seemed only five minutes later, my alarm was blaring at me to get up for work. I shuffled through a shower, shave, and breakfast, mumbling an incoherent reply to Micah’s greeting.
When I made my way outside to my bike, I stopped short when I spied the bag sitting on the seat. I glanced around but saw no one. Cautiously, I lifted the plastic grocery sack and peered inside. It was full of candy bars of every size and variety.
I pulled out the folded note on top.
For your sweet tooth. Have a good day, babe.
Love you,
R.
xo
Love, overpowering and painful, welled up inside of me. How did the woman do this to me?
I roared the bike engine to a start and shot her a quick text message. Thx baby. IOU one
