by Desiree Holt
He tried explaining. He tried saying so many apologies, but the fact is, he moved on from me, and there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship.
If something as stable as our five-year relationship can be destroyed, then how can there be anything between Ryan and I when I am still so broken? Sure, Ryan is a decent enough guy, but come the fuck on, I need my space. I need to heal. I need to find myself.
I certainly can’t jump into another relationship.
Then I remember how Ryan smiles at me like I’m the only woman in the world. How he is always considerate, even in the midst of our sex sessions. He’s the perfect guy to have a no-strings-attached relationship with. He’s good-looking, smart, great sense of humor, and he cares.
And now I find out that he cares too much.
Goddammit.
I enter the Shifters Unlimited office at 7:30pm, surprised to see the lights on. Surprised because while we recruiters sometimes work late, there is nothing big for any other recruiter at the moment. I expected Elyse to be here in her office, but the main lights are on.
There’s a figure sitting at the common area, slumped in his chair, a nearly-empty bottle of Scotch whiskey and glass in front of him.
Blake.
Perfect, just the man I need to see after my argument with Ryan.
“What are you doing here?” I ask through gritted teeth.
At first, my former lover doesn’t move, and the brief thought enters my head that he may have drunk himself to death. Then, he finally sits back in his chair, and blinks at me.
“Leslie? Zat you?”
Wow, he looks like shit. Hair disheveled. Five o’clock shadow. His skin looks like hell, and his nose is slightly bulbous. When did I ever think that he was handsome? If Ryan’s a 10, he falls somewhere around the 6 range, though I’m probably being generous.
When did I start using Ryan as my standard for men?
“Yeah, it’s me,” I say. My hands want to shake, but I fight the urge and clasp them in front of me. I gulp. “Is there any more of that?” I nod towards the whiskey bottle.
Blake looks at it, like it surprised him. “S’pose so.”
I grab it and the glass and take a seat next to him. I pour myself a glass and throw it back. Blake watches me through his drunken haze, an appreciative smile on his face.
“Long day?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
He sighs and settles down further into his chair. “Me too.”
We both sit there for a few moments, stuck in our own thoughts. Finally, he says, “I broke up with Keith today.”
“The dolphin shifter?”
“Yeah.” Blake takes the glass from me and pours the last of bottle. “Said he found someone else.”
I watch my former boyfriend, the man that I thought I’d marry and live happily ever after with. I had plans. I believed that we’d be together forever, and he left me for someone else. And now that I know that relationship didn’t work out, I feel…nothing. No smugness. No retribution. No sadness. No anger.
Just nothing.
Man, no wonder I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m emotionally shut off.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, unsure of what else I can say.
Blake snorts and drinks the last of the whiskey. “I’m sure.”
“Well, what do you want me to say?” I ask.
He sighs. “I don’t know. I’m sorry too.”
“For what?”
“For…breaking us up.”
Now it’s my turn to snort. “Based on everything, it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. Basically, I was so terrible, you switched teams.”
He laughs and raises his glass in a salute. “Your words, not mine.”
I’m smiling now, and it feels good. A flutter of emotion and it feels so good. “So I’m the one to blame for you finding another lover?”
He shakes his head. “No. No, Leslie. You were wonderful. I’m just…an asshole who has something to prove. Who can’t find what he’s looking for. And when he does, well, it runs off with another dolphin shifter.”
I smile wryly. “Don’t worry, I hear they don’t mate for life.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.”
He frowns, perplexed, but I don’t explain further for him. He doesn’t need an “I-told-you-so” from me. He’s already hurting, I don’t need to rub it in.
It really would have never worked long-term for Blake and I. So why am I still clinging to it with both hands? I realize that I’m still working on an ideal that never was.
The thought strikes me, and I blink furiously, wondering why I didn’t see it before. I want something that Ryan wants to give me. So why am I fighting it?
“Hey, don’t you have a big event tomorrow?” Blake asks, breaking into my thoughts.
“Yeah, the Safari ‘Round the Zoo.”
“Man, I saw that scope of work for that one,” he says. “I wish I’d gotten it. Some good money there.”
And good company. “Yeah,” I agree.
“How is that going with the rhino shifter?”
“It’s…going… Tomorrow should be interesting.” All those cameras and people. If Ryan pulls this off, both of us will be set for life with our own respective paychecks. There’s an extra bonus in it if Ryan hangs around until they find a new white rhino, but really, he could be done after tomorrow.
And we go our separate ways.
The thought saddens me, and I realize that I’m feeling more again. I close my eyes. Even if there’s no hope for us, I need to smooth things so we can end on good terms. There’s an ache in my chest, and I have to swallow the lump in my throat.
Blake smiles enigmatically at me. “I’ll leave you to it.” He gets up from his seat and stumbles towards the door. Leaving his briefcase and his laptop behind.
“Hey, are you going to be okay?” I ask after him.
He turns back to me. “Yeah. Ima catch an Uber. Are you okay?”
“I think so,” I say honestly.
“Good.” He waves. “Well, then, I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
He leaves. And I turn back to the office to see Elyse standing in the doorway, gesturing me with her index finger to come into her office. How long had she been standing there?
I get up, smooth my pencil skirt, and follow her into the office.
“You’re late,” she says by way of greeting.
“I didn’t know I was due here today.”
She chuckles. “It’s the night before your assignment’s biggest day. If you didn’t show up at the office, I may have had to fire you.”
“Noted.” Good thing Ryan and I had our disagreement then, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone into the office. On my past jobs, I had been here the night before to follow through on my assignments, but it never occurred to me that it was expected that I make an appearance.
“Do you think that your rhino is all prepared for tomorrow?” Elyse asks.
I raise an eyebrow. “Yes, absolutely.” Granted, I just told him to ham it up for the audience and he threw it back at me, but I don’t tell Elyse that.
“I hear that he’s been a lax rhino. That he doesn’t do much.”
“I’ve told him that he needs to step it up.” I shrug, trying not to show my feelings towards him. “What else can I do?”
Elyse drums her nails on the desk as she thinks. “This contract is good for the company, Leslie. We want this to go well so that the Bay Area Zoo will request more shifters in their enclosures. So we need to make sure that he’s active and ready for the cameras.”
I tense my jaw, knowing that I’m not getting out of this without agreeing with my tough-as-nails boss. “Of course. I’ll have a talk with him.”
Elyse smiles. “Good.”
As I leave the office later on, I briefly consider heading over to The Drinking Horn. It’s sometime after ten, so the bar is still open. But I know that Ryan is upset from earlier today and the bar will probably be busy.
I’ll talk to him about Elyse’s request tomorrow morning. And maybe then, we can figure out us.
I just hope that I can straighten my shit out enough to try this thing between us. It may be rocky.
But that’s life.
Chapter Nine
Ryan
I don’t even want to show up to the zoo tomorrow, but obligation to both my grandpa and my morals causes me to drag my ass out of bed and show up a few minutes before 8am.
Not late, but enough to show Leslie that I’m not happy. Based on her frown when I enter the room, she understands the message loud and clear.
Good.
“Ah, you’re here,” Dr. Chin says, turning around on her swivel chair. “Excellent.”
Over this past month, I’ve realized that she never calls me by name. I’m always some sort of nameless object to her; she’s as detached from me as a scientist looking down a microscope. On top of everything that is happening, it’s irritating me today.
“Yeah,” I growl.
Chin blinks at my sarcasm. Behind the good doc, I see Leslie’s frown deepen. Once again, Good.
“Today is the big day,” Dr. Chin continues, her voice wavering a little.
“Yep, the entire reason why you need a rhino, right? That’s the only reason why any of you give a damn about me.”
I’m being childish, but they’re paying me to be a rhino, not an adult.
I turn away from them and start stripping, prepping myself to shift into my rhino form. I just want to get this over with. Safari ‘Round the Zoo. What a fucking stupid concept. Why are they putting such a huge emphasis on this one event? I’ve been told a lot about it, and I’ve even heard about it in past years, but I’m not much of a zoo-goer, so I have no idea what to expect. Only a lot of crowds and cameras.
What’s the worst that could happen?
I shift, feeling my body morph and tug and pull into the shape of a rhino. By now, I’m so used to it, the sensations no longer feel foreign, they’re just a fact of my everyday life. Welcome to being a rhino. My inner beast awakens with a roar, ready to charge, ready to face anything that is making me miserable.
Which is pretty much everything at this point.
I rein it in, and stamp my foot impatiently. The sooner I can get out into the enclosure, the sooner I don’t have to worry about Leslie saying something to me about last night. I don’t want to hear it and I certainly don’t want to tap into these raw emotions.
Dr. Chin, her shock at my behavior gone, nods approvingly at my transformation. She always looks at me like I’m a brand new rhino. Every damn day.
I huff and tread down the hallway to the enclosure, ready to get this damn thing over with. When the door is in front of me, I stop, waiting impatiently for it to open. C’mon, c’mon. I don’t want to face anything but the crowds today. Fuck anything else.
Leslie makes a move to stand next to me and tell me something. She raises her hand to put it on my hide, but I snort and blow out a stream of air, giving her a warning.
Her hand stops abruptly, and I hear her shaky breath. At first, I don’t think she’s saying anything. But then she says, “Please, just…be yourself today. Be happy.” Her voice is timid, broken.
I sense, rather than see, her turn away. A part of me wants to morph back into a man and ask what she means—is this what she had talked to me about last night, about hamming it up? Or is this about us?
I don’t have time to wonder. The doors to the enclosure open in front of me, and sunlight streams in.
I don’t have time to patch things up. Instead, it’s show time.
I step out.
* * *
Holy shit.
I know they said that Safari ‘Round the Zoo would be busy. But I wasn’t prepared for this.
The people. Oh my God, the people are all over the place. There’s been a steady stream of visitors twenty-deep on the observation deck. Camera flashes. Tour guides blaring their speeches over the loud system as they talk about us rhinos. It sets my teeth on edge, and based on how the other rhinos are stamping their feet in irritation, they’re none too happy about their home being invaded. They’re talking to each other, and as a rhino shifter, I’m getting hints of the conversation, although it’s more rudimentary than when I talk in rhino-speak.
But I do know one thing: they’re ready to snap.
Hell, I may do it too.
The tapping on the glass is louder than ever before. So many kids waving and screeching and pushing each other aside to get a better look. There have been news crews and groups of investors in suits, from what I can tell, and they’re interested in me and my kind down here. I’m glad that the rhinos are the star of the show, but this is ridiculous.
The flashes from the cameras are like gunshots every time. I wince with each one, and I have the human sensibilities to tell my animalistic self that those aren’t dangerous. The other rhinos snort and flinch at every one. Their ears flick in anger, and I know they’re not happy.
Shit, isn’t Leslie supposed to be around here? She’s my handler, she’s supposed to notice when things go to hell. She’s the last person that I want to talk to right now, but she may be the only thing keeping a catastrophe from happening.
Where the fuck is she? I swallow back my rising panic.
If anything though, the distractions and cacophony have managed to give her what she wants: I’ve been more animated than I’ve been in a long time, mainly because I’m trying to get rid of this pent-up energy from the constant bombardment. I pace around the enclosure, trying to keep myself between the rhinos and the observation glass. One good thing about being the only white rhino: I’m bigger than any of the other rhinos here, so if one of their resolve breaks, I could stop them before any damage happens.
This is my version of hell.
Georgina, one of the smaller rhinos comes up and sniffs near me. I turn my head and give her a discerning eye, wondering what she’s paying attention to.
Then I hear it. A child’s cry. In the enclosure.
I rear my head abruptly at the sound, desperately trying to find the source of the crying. How the fuck did a kid get in here? The observation deck is at least fifteen feet above the enclosure, and I know that there are zoo employees all over the place. It’s not like a kid can just sneak in here.
But it has to be possible. Because as I trot over, I see the toddler fall on his rump and cry, a noise that’s all-too clear for rhino ears, even above the chaos of the visitors in the zoo.
The kid is a little boy with red curly hair and a pair of dungarees with animals sewn into the patches. He comes from an upper class family, cared for, loved by his parents.
So where the hell are they?
I come over to the boy, sniffing around him, trying to discern what cubby hole he appeared from. I spot a break in the fencing, and beyond that, a darkened interior. He must have snuck away from his parents and found a way down here. With everything that’s happening with the event, I’m sure it was only just a few minutes since he got away from them.
I wonder if they even noticed.
The boy looks up at me, and I half expect him to scream in fear. Instead, he stops his tears and gets to his feet. He reaches out towards my horn with both hands and takes a few, concentrated steps forward.
I step back, not wanting this kid to get too close. Shit, what would the people in the observation deck think, seeing me here with a little kid.
The kid shrieks happily and finally touches my snout, his tiny hand soft against my tough skin.
“Rhi’o!” he cries. “Rhi’o, rhi’o, rhi’o!”
It’s actually kinda endearing.
And then another noise joins his happy cries. “Oh, my God, my baby!”
I wince as I look up to see the entire observation deck start screaming. Every eye is on me and the little boy, each one waiting for me to either spear the kid or trample him under my feet. Of course, I’m not going to do either, but the louder screaming and disruptio
n upstairs is doing something far worse.
They’re irritating the other rhinos in the pen. And as their eyes turn towards me, I can see that they all have one thing in mind.
They’re going to charge the dangerous foreigner in their enclosure.
They’re going to charge the kid.
Chapter Ten
Leslie
I take five minutes to go to the bathroom.
Just five minutes.
I know that it’s Safari ‘Round the Zoo and everything, but Mother Nature will call at least once during a ten-hour work day. Luckily for Ryan, he can just shit wherever he stands, but I have to catalogue my breaks and go take care of my business every once in a while.
Ryan. He acted so coldly towards me today. I know I deserve it, but it still broke my heart to see him like that.
“Please, just…be yourself today. Be happy.”
I really meant those words when I told him that. Not just for the Safari ‘Round the Zoo, but for life in general. I tried to appeal to the man inside him, because I know he hasn’t been happy during all of this. I’d be fooling myself if I thought that.
So I’ve tried avoiding his gaze and watching him from afar. After all, I still have a job to do, even if it there is a huge chasm between us.
I notice the change in the air the second I step outside the ladies’ room. I don’t have to be an animal or a shifter to smell fear.
Police officers and zoo security run past me, all carrying what look to be guns. And from my estimation, they’re heading towards…
The rhino enclosure.
Ice water fills my veins. Oh my God, something happened, something terrible to Ryan. I can feel it in my bones.
Despite the fact that I’m wearing high heels, I run at a full sprint towards the enclosure, and I wonder why in the fucking hell are the bathrooms so damn far from the exhibit? It only takes me about ten seconds to get there, but it takes less time than that for something awful to happen.
“What happened?” I demand when I reach the observation deck. Everyone is crowded around one spot, looking down. It’s so packed, I can’t get any closer, and being the short person that I am, I can’t stand up straighter to look over the sea of people.
