by Kim Cormack
Matt was too mentally exhausted to argue. He just did what he was told. His stomach grumbled. He looked at the time, and it was almost dinnertime the next day. He had been at the hospital for so long. His head was still pounding. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday. He didn’t care if he ever ate again. He remembered his mother's first line of defense for a headache. It was five glasses of water. The doctor had given him a drink. That made sense. It was as though Clay’s mother had read his mind. She handed him a can of orange juice. Lillian said, “Let’s go home. We will call and check on Kayn as soon as we get home.”
Clay’s father placed his arm around him and led Matt out into the fresh air. It was raining. It suited the moment. The water pelted his face and in the gentle evening shower there came a strange sense of peace, or perhaps the sensation was the calming effect of the drug that the doctor had given him. It felt nice. He didn’t care. He didn’t care as long as this emotionless calm stuck around. It was his emotional stay of execution.
Matt heard the car door shut behind him. It startled him. It was funny. He began to laugh. Matt was laughing because he didn’t recall getting into the car. He couldn't even remember walking the distance from the hospital to the car. His entire life had been changed in one night. Maybe none of this really happened and this was all a bad dream. He would wake up and everything would be fine. He was fine. Everybody was fine. Everything would be fine. Those were his last semi-rational thoughts. Matt succumbed to exhaustion and the pharmaceutically enhanced calm. He drifted off to sleep.
He awoke the next morning in a bed that was not his own and it all came flooding back. He stumbled out into the kitchen with unthinkable visions in his mind. He knew that everything was not fine. It had been real. It had all happened and nothing would ever be fine again. He sobbed and cried until he made himself sick. He hugged the toilet and dry heaved for there was no food in his stomach. Then they gave him another pill and everything was fine again. He ate and he lived the first week in that docile state of numb.
Lillian and Jenkins started the funeral preparations. Jenkins, his father’s best friend, had been named the executer of his parents’ will. He handled everything and Matthew remained fine. He had a few moments of clarity each day before he began to melt down again. He knew he was only postponing the inevitable. He took another pill and then he was fine. He was nothing. He was a numb unfeeling zombie, but that was fine. It was preferable to the emotional agony that he felt when he realised that it was really happening. He was not nearly as strong as he had thought he would be in a tragic situation. Matt had been dreaming of what he had said to his father about being a good man.
He got out of bed and went down stairs with a clear mind. It was time to be strong. He did not cry that morning. He knew he had to find a way to pull himself together. He had to go and see his sister. It was time to stop hiding from the truth. He went through the motions. He remembered his mom telling him to fake it till you make it. That was good life advice. It worked for many situations.
The funeral was held off for three weeks in the hopes that Kayn would be able to come home. They found out on the phone that she was going to be in the hospital for much longer than they originally hoped. It had only been wishful thinking on their part that she might make the funeral.
While he was in that state of numb, Lillian had arranged for someone to clean the house and restore the damage as if the violence had never happened. Matt was grateful that he would never have to see his childhood home in that state. Mrs. Smith and Jenkins handled the plans for the Brighton family’s funeral. Jenkins dealt with the bills and he kept the empty Brighton house in order.
The day came when Matt was finally able to go and see his sister. He took a flight to see Kayn, and Kevin went with him. They arrived at the airport and took a cab straight to the hospital. When they arrived they found out that Kayn was being kept in a medically induced coma. Her brain was swollen. She had been through many surgeries. When Matt heard the details about his sister’s injuries it left him wondering how she survived? The doctors had no idea and told him it had been a miracle. It had been.
Matt stood and watched Kevin sitting on the edge of the bed holding his sister’s hand and he knew it must have been a miracle. It didn't feel like his miracle though. He had never done anything worthy of a miracle. He had a feeling that the miracle was meant for Kevin. This was Kevin’s miracle. Matt smiled at Kevin and he wondered how long Kevin had been in love with his sister? It was easy to see. Kevin was different? He seemed bigger? Maybe he just looked more mature after everything he had been through. Maybe Matt was the one that felt more mature and he was just seeing things clearly for the first time.
Matt said, “We never talk about Chloe. None of us talk about her. Why do you think that is?”
Kevin replied, “I’ve noticed that too. Maybe it’s the way that she died. We found her like that, and it’s too painful to think about. “
Matt nodded at Kevin. It was understandable. They were trying to forget what they had seen. Matt wished there was a way to forget what he had seen.
Matt said, “You had the biggest crush on Chloe. How are you doing?”
Kevin said something strange back to him, “I just can’t shake the feeling that Chloe is not really gone. I feel like she’s still around. Maybe that’s why I never talk about her. It feels like she’s listening. It feels like she is going to catch me talking about her and whip me with her jacket.”
Kevin looked past him in a way that made him feel like somebody had just walked into the room. Matt turned around to see what he was looking at and there was nobody there. Matt glared at Kevin and said, “You are officially freaking me out Smith. What are you looking at?”
Kevin said, “Nothing, it’s not important.” There was a brief pause in the conversation before Kevin said, “She looks like she is someplace better doesn’t she? I mean peaceful. Kayn looks like she is somewhere lost in a beautiful dream, or something.”
Matt replied, “I hope she is someplace wonderful. I hope they all are.”
Kevin said, “They are all someplace wonderful. I’m sure of it.”
Matt said, “Except for Chloe right? You feel like Chloe is still here.”
Kevin didn’t answer him, and Matt didn’t blame him. It was an asshole move. He really had to find a way to stop himself from saying whatever crossed his mind. He had to try to be a better man.
Kevin bent down to kiss Kayn goodbye. He kissed her softly on the cheek. He looked at Matt and said, “Here is not that bad.”
Matt replied, “Here is bad for me. Saturday will be bad for me to go through all alone.” Matt paused and then took it back, “I’m sorry that’s a selfish thing to say.”
Kevin said, “You’re never alone and you’re just being honest. Kayn wouldn’t want you to go through the funeral alone either.”
Matt bent over and kissed his sister on the one cheek that was now exposed. Her one cheek looked fine. The other half of her face was still bandaged up.
He said, “We’ll be back to see you tomorrow.”
After a few days that were spent holding vigil at Kayn’s bedside, the boys needed to return home for the funeral. Matt felt guilty that his sister would not be able to be there to grieve and have closure. He also felt jealous. He felt horrible for thinking the things that he was thinking. He wanted to be able to check out again. He wanted to avoid this whole thing. He didn’t want people looking at him like they felt sorry for him anymore. He wanted Kayn home and healthy. He didn’t want to go on living every single day terrified that something was going to happen and she was going to die. Every time the phone rang his heart jumped and his stomach lurched.
Chapter 5
The Edge of the Abyss
On the day of the funeral, it was sunny outside. There was not a cloud in the sky as far as one could see. They pulled up at the church. The family always being the last to arrive at the service, they were escorted into a side door. Matthew stood there in his suit and tie holding
the paper that held his eulogy. The words that he had written to say a very public goodbye to his family. He wasn’t ready for this. He was starting to panic. He felt Jenkins’ hand on his shoulder again. The door opened and all eyes turned to him as he was escorted to his seat alongside the Smith family and Jenkins.
They were all asked to rise, and everyone began to sing a hymn. The sight of the large family portraits at the front of the room made Matt feel emotional agony that was almost too excruciating to bear. He had to look away from the pictures. He couldn’t look at his Mother’s smile for one more second. It was killing him. This whole thing was making him want to run away. He entertained the thought of abandoning his seat and bolting out of the church.
He could jump on the first flight to Vancouver and be with Kayn. I should be with Kayn today. I shouldn’t be here. I should be dead too. My picture should be up there along side of Chloe. I’m just a selfish asshole. While he was out drinking, everyone he loved had been violently murdered. Why am I such a horrible person? How had two wonderful selfless people created a piece of shit like me? Matt began to sob. He didn’t care who heard him. He sure as hell didn’t give two shits who saw him cry. Matt knew he had to stand up there. All he felt today was overwhelming guilt. The minister had been speaking for a while and he hadn’t been listening. He was half way between a panic attack and a mental break down when Jenkins touched his arm.
He whispered, “It’s your turn to speak. “
Matt stared at the piece of paper in front of him and took a second to stand.
Jenkins said, “I’ll go up there with you. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Matt began to cry. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he understood that Jenkins really had no intention of leaving him all alone in the world. He was going to stand beside him and those simple words meant more than he could ever express. They walked up to the pulpit together and Matt felt Jenkins’ hand on his shoulder. It was such a simple gesture. It gave Matt the ability to find the words to begin.
Matthew Brighton stood at the pulpit and cleared his throat a few times. The church was full to capacity and people were standing outside by the open doors. They were all waiting for him to speak. He took the paper and tore it in half.
“I spent a lot of time writing out what I was going to say today, but I decided to just say what is in my heart instead. The world was a far better place with my family in it. The sound of my Mother’s laughter could fill an entire room with light. She smiled and everyone around her couldn’t help but smile back. She was happy. In one word, my Mother was full of joy. She was the most loving person and it was a privilege to be her son. We were so lucky to have her as a Mother.”
He had choked out the last words and tears blinded him. He had to stop talking for a second. Matt knew he had to keep going. He needed a moment and he looked at Jenkins.
Jenkins took over, “Matthew’s Father was my best friend. He was funny and eternally optimistic. I’m going to tell you about a few of the moments that stand out in my mind. On their wedding day, everything went wrong that could possibly go wrong. We had the bachelor party the night before, which is never a good idea. Needless to say, my buddy was ill equipped to deal with the drama that was about to unfold. We were late to start.”
He looked at Matt and continued to speak, “Your Mother looked so incredibly beautiful as she walked down the aisle towards your father. I remember the look on his face. He was so crazy in love with her. When they started to say their vows, I thought they both might be a little bit crazy. It was the strangest thing I had ever heard. It wasn’t until I had some experience with love myself that I understood what they were saying to each other.
Your Father said, “I can’t promise I won’t drive you crazy. I can’t promise that there won’t be hills on this rollercoaster. I can’t promise you there won’t be pieces of the track missing, but I promise to stay on this ride with you. I won’t get off until the very end.” Your Mother repeated the same words.
“They had gone on a roller coaster together when they were teenagers. They went to the same high school, but they had barely spoken to each other. We knew who Claire was, but we were in different groups of friends. We were waiting in a line to get on the rollercoaster. The operator said, “You two look like you should be on this ride together,” and he paired the two of them up. He fell in love with Claire on that ride. It was as though it happened the moment he sat down beside her. I remember walking home with the group of them that night and he said I’m going to marry her someday. It was that quick. Through three children, they never lost their sense of humor about life. The Brightons were magic. There was so much laughter in their home. They took me in when I lost my daughter … They showed me that life was still worth living. Your Father kept his word. He stayed with her on that ride until the very end.” Jenkins had fared well through his whole speech until those last few words.
Matt stepped back in, “The night I found out they died. I made a promise to my father that I would try to be a good man. All I needed was a few more minutes with him. I needed to tell him that he had been the best father. He had been the best example of what a father was supposed to be. I never got the chance to say those words and I hope that when you all go home tonight. You say them to the people that you love. Tell them how much you love them. Say the words out loud. Don’t just assume they know how you feel because if something happens you will always wonder if they knew how you felt about …” Matt couldn’t go on and neither could Jenkins they were both sobbing.
Matt saw Kevin stand up and make his way to stand beside him and Jenkins.
Kevin took his place at the podium and he began to speak, “I remember Kayn’s mom telling us about their wedding. She said the caterer didn’t show up and the band didn’t come. A friend had a karaoke machine and the guests made their own music. They didn’t let anything stop them. Their daughter Chloe was an equally unstoppable girl. Chloe was beautiful and she was so smart. Chloe Brighton was a force of nature and she was also my friend. I have been friends with the Brighton twins since kindergarten. I picture them sometimes as little girls. They are picking flowers and putting them in each other’s hair. I can still see them lying in a field of buttercups together watching bumbles bees. I can see the two of them braiding headbands out of flowers and dancing around together wearing crowns. I remember thinking they looked like angels. Chloe has always had big dreams. She was a fighter filled with spirit. I went to see Kayn in the hospital and I felt like Chloe was there with her somehow, watching over her. Maybe it’s because I feel like Chloe was actually stubborn enough to refuse to leave this place without her sister.”
A few giggles erupted in the congregation of mourners. The thought of his little sister’s feisty spirit being described in that way made Matt smile through his tears. It was the truth.
Kevin kept talking, “On the wall in their house there was a framed poem that Kayn’s mom wrote in high school. I read the words almost every single time I walked past it. It read: One kind word can guide a soul out of the darkness. A hug can show someone that good hearts still exist. Be the hand someone can hold onto while teetering on the edge of an abyss. This was the Brighton family philosophy of life. This was who they were. They will always be missed.”
The Minister took over the service. Every single person in the town knew or loved one of the Brighton family members. Matt knew he was not alone in his grief. At the end of the funeral, there was a beautiful prayer for Kayn. It was a prayer that Kayn return to them as beautiful and as innocent of spirit as she had been before that night. It looked like the whole town had attended the funeral. It was a heart wrenching day from beginning to end.
Jenkins walked out of the church with his arm around Matthew. He said, “Just in case I haven’t made myself clear. I’m here for both of you kids. You can call me Uncle Jenkins. When Kayn gets home from the hospital and you two invite me over for dinner, I might even do the dishes. I know your parents would not want you to drop out of schoo
l. You should go back to school as soon as you can. Get back on life’s horse. The faster you get back on the easier it will be to pick up where you left off. ”
Matt asked, “What about Kayn?”
Jenkins said, “Kayn is in a medically induced coma. You will visit when you can. I will visit when I can. We will try to get her moved back here as soon as possible. Your job is to go back to school before you flunk out. I will keep acting as executor and helping you two kids out. I will pay the bills and carry on doing the adult stuff for you. Just let me know when you feel ready to do it by yourself.” Jenkins winked at Matt and patted him on the shoulder.
Matthew Brighton knew he still had family, even if they were not his family by blood. Jenkins and the Smiths had been there for him every second of every day. They would be his family now. A new kind of family completely made of friends.
Chapter 6
The Long Goodnight
Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, and still Kayn slept. They had finally transported Kayn Brighton back to her hometown where she could be closer to what was left of her family. There she lay like an angel in sweet uninterrupted slumber. A medically induced coma had given her body time to heal. Still she slept, even after her doctors had attempted to awaken her. In order for her mind to heal she would have to wake up.
Would she wake up to the reality of what happened that night and still be the same person? Would she live each day with memories of that horrific night burned into her soul? Kevin knew that Matt had seen his sister with barely a breath of life left in her. He understood why her brother had kept his distance. He couldn’t allow himself to have hope. It would hurt ten times more when she finally passed. He had lost too much. Then as the months had slowly drifted by, they had all jumped every time the phone rang fearing, that day was the day they would call and say she was gone.
