“No problem,” she said, as she tugged at her nightshirt nervously and pulled back the covers, sinking into the bed. “I am only sleeping in here because I don’t need your mother grilling me in the morning. We already didn’t get off to a great start.”
It wasn’t the whole truth. That thought earlier about breaking the rules she’d set had proven too tantalizing an idea to resist. Although now she felt anxious, which was silly. Ryan had seen her naked enough times to get her pregnant, twice.
Her heart seemed to take a life of its own when Ryan emerged from the dressing room just in his flannel pants. His body looked even better than it had almost two months ago when they’d reconnected. Wide, strong, muscled, and begging to be touched. She choked as her mouth watered. What she wouldn’t give to put her lips on that strong chest. Did he actually have an eight-pack?
“Is something wrong?” Ryan asked. The sly grin on his face told Kennedy that he already knew what was wrong.
Kennedy chuckled. “You know what’s wrong, and you aren’t playing fair.” She sat up on the bed. “If I took off my clothes right now and sat on this bed with a do not touch sign taped around me, you would be in agony.”
“You don’t need to take off your clothes,” he drawled.
Kennedy swallowed hard, taking him in. Ryan’s eyes were dark with desire, his voice low, his body taut, and his erection already at half-mast. She needed to retreat from this game before he had her under his body writhing with pleasure. That wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Except that she had already begun to show, and she felt fat. She thought she would have at least four months along before her belly went from flat to tubby. She pulled the cover to her chest and sank deeper into the bed. But the truth was she still didn’t quite trust him enough to let him be so close to her. He had proved he wasn’t that selfish high school boy anymore, but that didn’t mean she trusted him with her heart.
“Why do you do that?” A sliver of irritation crossed over his face. “I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to be your husband in every sense of the word. It’s my duty to satisfy the hunger I see in your eyes, and your body. Why won’t you let me?”
“We should probably go to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for you.”
“For us,” he corrected.
“Riley is going to be in here at the crack of dawn. He’s so excited about his jersey and his grandparents visiting.”
“Kennedy, I want to make love to you.”
She swallowed hard. It was obvious to anyone who saw him what he wanted to do to her.
“But I won’t. Not tonight. Apparently there is a rule about sex before a game. I don’t get it. But I’m really nervous about tomorrow. Plus, my wife doesn’t want to sleep with me. So I guess my coach lucked out on that.” He cleared his throat. “I also think it would be best if we held off the sex until you learn how to trust me. We need to talk about what happened in high school. I’m sorry that happened.”
“Not now, not with your parents down the hall.”
He paused. “Alright.”
“Ryan,” Kennedy paused as she realized she didn’t know what she wanted to say. “You are going to be great tomorrow.”
“I’m just happy my whole family will be there to support me.” Ryan climbed into bed and turned to face Kennedy. “May I… may I… If I can’t make love to you, may I hold you?”
Stunned, Kennedy stared at him for a second. She could say no, she could turn him away, hurt his feelings, and crush her own heart. Just then Kennedy realized how weak she felt. It wasn’t him she didn’t trust; it was herself. She didn’t trust what she felt. What if she was wrong again? How was she going to survive having his arms around her and not being able to make love to her? She knew her voice would crack if she tried to answer him, so she just nodded.
Ryan’s arms came around her; first he pulled her to her back and put his head on her belly. “Hey little girl, are you alright in there? Daddy loves you.”
Kennedy stared at the white ceiling, trying to blink back the tears filling in her eyes. This was what she missed with Riley and she was glad she had it with this baby. “If we do have a girl, what do you want to name her?”
She couldn’t believe she’d just asked that.
Ryan’s head lifted, his eyes full of surprise and doubt. “You are going to let me name her?”
“I named Riley; I guess it’s only fair.”
Ryan pulled her body against his, cuddling her into his warmth. They fit so perfectly into each other. If only she could forget high school, they would definitely have a happily ever after. She laid her head on his bicep and locked her fingers with his on her belly. Maybe, just maybe, she could find her happily ever after somewhere in this mess.
A mess that needed clearing up as soon as possible.
Kennedy pulled out of his arms and sat up. Maybe they did need to talk about it now. “You hurt me, you hurt me so much.”
Ryan stared at her, shock written on his face. “I know.”
“You think you know, but you don’t.” Kennedy pulled away when he reached for her and jumped off the bed to stop him from getting any closer. “I know I was a stupid little girl then. Why would you, the great Ryan Carville, quarterback and star of the football team, want anything to do with a hermit who wasn’t even as pretty as that damn Clara? It’s laughable, right?”
He winced. “No, it’s not.”
“It’s not. Is that all you are going to say?” Kennedy swiped angrily at the tears running down her face. “I thought I was in love with you. You walked on water; you could do no wrong. You were everything to me. I had only talked to you a few times, and yet I thought you were everything.”
“I- I didn’t know you felt that strongly. We’d only just met…” Ryan trailed off, and looked closely into her eyes. “Is that the reason you won’t let me get close to you?”
Kennedy shrugged. She couldn’t answer that without admitting she was in love with him. She shook her head, turning away from him to say the rest. “You don’t know how hard I fought to get out of that depression after prom. That dark hole you buried me in almost killed me, almost killed Riley. I think back to what you did to me and then I look at you now. I see how you are with Riley; you love him. I notice how patient you are with me even when I’m being a royal bitch and it makes me think… it makes me feel—”
“Loved.” That one word from Ryan’s lips silenced her mind, captured her breath and made her heart skip. She turned to look at him finally and was frozen in place by the emotion in his gaze. “You feel that way because it’s true. I love you. High school was… Clara was… I want to find a way to tell you this that doesn’t make me seem weak, selfish, and like a royal ass.”
“But you were those things and even more! You were cruel, Ryan. I wanted to die when you didn’t call me the morning after prom. And when I didn’t hear from you once during the summer, especially after I found out I was pregnant…” Kennedy sat down on the bed and bit down on her trembling jaw. “You need to be real with me right now I am your wife, the mother of your children…and your victim. You are my husband, the father of my children…and my tormentor. If you can’t be your true self with me, then who?” She shook her head. “I need to know why you did it. How you could do that.
Ryan inched closer to her, but she stopped him. He took a breath, bowed his head, and started talking. “I was weak. I wanted to be accepted. My father said it didn’t matter how good I was. If the team didn’t accept me, I would never be one of them. So I dressed how they dressed, talked how they talked and did what they did. I did anything and everything, to be accepted. My conscience still haunts me, It won’t let me rest. I hurt a lot of people back then, and I can’t change that. The only thing I can change is who I am now. You made me change Bailey,” Ryan said softly. “From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted to be a different man, a better man. I wanted to be me.”
“Who is that though, Ryan? This man who cries when his son is sick or that boy who tricked
me, who plotted with Clara and treated me like I was some plaything—”
“I’m not tough. I’m sensitive, and I don’t think women were put on this earth to be my personal playthings. Seconds before I met you up in that hotel room I told Clara we were done. It’s not like we were a real couple anyway. But I wanted her to be clear on what was happening, of what was about to happen. That night I chose to be me.”
She just stared at him, overcome, wanting to believe him.
“At first, I thought it was kind of ironic that it took sex with a stranger to make me realize that. And then I realized that it was because I was with you. Not a stranger.” He sighed. “It kills me to think that all those years ago, if I hadn’t been such a coward, we could’ve had this. I could’ve had this from the start.”
Kennedy caught the tear that rolled from his eyes. She could feel his honesty, his confusion, and they were clouding her resolve. “I’m still not having sex with you. But Riley and I will come to the game tomorrow.”
“Not until our hearts catch up with out hormones.” He kissed the palm of her hand. “I’m sorry I was so weak.”
It was what she wanted to hear from him all those years, but to hear it now was overwhelming. Kennedy still wasn’t sure she could trust it. “I’m still scared.”
“It’s fine to be scared, but don’t let it come between us. I promise I’ll always protect you. I’ll always be here for you and Riley.”
“I can’t go back to that dark place.”
“Never.” Ryan gently pulled her into his arms and lay back. Her circled his fingers round on her back, creating a calming sensation that lulled her to sleep. She couldn’t think clearly just yet. Kennedy resolved not to make any decisions until the next morning. But for now, she would try to just enjoy being in his arms.
Chapter Twelve
“IT’S SUPER BOWL DAY! IT’S SUPER BOWL DAY!”
Kennedy groaned as Riley jumped up and down on the bed. The bouncing wasn’t doing her any favors with her morning sickness. “RYAN!”
“Come on, QB, give your mommy a few more minutes.” She heard the deep timbre of Ryan’s thick morning voice.
“Thank you,” she mumbled.
“But you have to wake up, Mom! We all need to get ready for the championship!”
“Actually QB, you and mommy will come later,” she heard Ryan say. “I have to go early for some last-minute training with the rest of the team.”
“But I’m part of the team,” Riley moped.
“Sure, you are, but mommy isn’t up yet. You don’t want to leave her behind, do you?”
“No.” A reluctant grumble sounded from the boy.
Kennedy peeked from under her cover and could see Riley pout, his arms crossed over his chest. He looked so much like is father when he was angry. Even the part where he submitted even though he didn’t want to. “Mommy is up. But we still have to go a little bit later.”
“But not too late?”
“Not too late.”
Kennedy watched with interest when Riley whispered something into Ryan’s ear. It was strange having her son keep things from her and tell them to someone else.
“We’ll ask mommy. But later this evening. Come on, I’ll give you some breakfast,” Ryan said, as he lifted Riley over his shoulder. The mother in her wanted to ask him to put her child down before he dropped him. But Ryan had never dropped a ball in his entire career. There was no reason to think he would drop his only son.
“Thank you,” Kennedy said again, and settled back against the pillow for a few more minutes of blessed sleep.
• • •
“Arrghh!”
Ryan felt himself cringe when Rebecca walked into the kitchen. Good thing Riley was sitting right next to him. The little boy was his buffer. Rebecca didn’t like him, but how could he blame her? If anyone did to his children what he had done to Kennedy in high school, he would have been out for blood. But his mother-in-law was trying. She was civil and took care of his son. Sure, at times when they were in the kitchen, he half expected her to pick up a knife and bury it in his back. In fact, it was a good thing she didn’t own a gun. But he’d had a breakthrough with Kennedy when he’d poured out his heart the previous night. He didn’t know how Kennedy would feel when she woke up, but he felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. Hopefully Kennedy would want to move forward and convince her mother to stop hating him.
“What’s wrong, Grandma?” Riley asked as he took a bite of his dry toast. That was the only way he could eat it without getting sick.
“Your mommy is just having a bad morning.”
“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked, the accusatory glare Rebecca gave him immediately filling him in. He cleared his throat and looked away from her chilling gaze. “Just a few more weeks and the morning sickness will be over.”
“When she was pregnant with Riley, she barely got sick. I wonder what’s different now?”
Ryan tried to ignore the dig. He got off his stool and grabbed a glass of ice water before heading to Kennedy’s room. He found her on her bed, a look of misery on her face.
“I’m sorry. Here, drink this.”
“Why are you sorry?” she mumbled, as she reached for the water.
“Your mother seems to think it’s my fault your morning sickness is this bad. My presence apparently is making you ill. I guess you weren’t sick with Riley, so—”
“I was.” She chuckled. “She just wasn’t around. She worked the night shift at the hospital, and by the time she got in, she was tired. When she fell asleep, she couldn’t hear an earthquake let alone me puking my guts.”
“It’s nice to know it’s not me.”
“It is you. Each time my head is way down the toilet bowl, I think of you. Castrating you.”
He winced, though he knew she was teasing. “I think I should run before you act on your threat.” Ryan laughed. He couldn’t believe he was sitting down with Kennedy having a civil conversation and laughing. He also couldn’t help the guilt he felt at how miserable she looked. He guessed that was part of being a father, just like the tremendous excitement he felt for the gift he would get eight months later. “If you really don’t want to go today, I could ask Matt to sit with Riley.”
“I’ll come. You already got me a jersey. And Riley would be more excited if we were all there. Just don’t get hit too many times. We wouldn’t want you to break.”
“Of course.” He felt his joy deflate. The only thing Kennedy cared about was to make sure he was in top condition for the transplant. After the previous night, he had actually thought they had a chance. “Don’t worry,” he said curtly. “I’m sure the doctor will still be able to get to my bone marrow even if I’m broken.”
“Are you serious?” She clucked her tongue. “You need to stop seeing the negative in everything I say. We are moving forward, remember?”
Instantly, he felt chagrinned. “I remember. Sorry. Old habits. I should get going.”
“What about your parents?”
“You don’t have to entertain them. Mom will probably take over in the kitchen. Dad won’t wake up until ten. Game starts at four, but you should probably get there at two. Bring Riley down to the locker room for a second, when you get there. Or you could ask Dad to do it.”
“Is that allowed?”
“He’s my baby boy. I’m nervous and he relaxes me.” Ryan smiled. “Four years into this career and I’m already playing in the Super Bowl. But nothing compares to being Riley’s dad. I just hope I can make him proud by winning.”
“He’s already proud of you.” Kennedy rose off the bed on her knees and moved to the edge of the bed, next to Ryan. “I probably smell like puke, but I would like to hug you.”
Ryan threw back his head and laughed, “I’ll take it.” He pulled Kennedy in his arms and got lost in her warmth. He felt her arms move from his shoulders to his chest, signaling him to pull back. “Feed yourself and my baby. Both of them. Bye, Ken.”
“By
e, Ry.” He was about to pull away when her grip tightened and her face grew serious. “Ryan, about last night? Thanks. I really needed to hear that.”
“I needed to say it.” Ryan leaned in for a kiss and when she didn’t retreat, he claimed her lips, morning sickness be damned. When he pulled away, the smile she gave him had his blood rushing. Finally.
• • •
Kennedy watched in a confused daze as a rack of clothes was pushed in front of her. She didn’t know what exactly went into a Super Bowl after party. But according to Matt, people got dressed up for it. She hadn’t seen Riley since the Rebels lifted the football cup in triumph. He was plastered to his father’s side enjoying his victory. She hadn’t seen much of Ryan Senior, either. But Rebecca and Elizabeth were there with her, suffering the pains of being plucked and fluffed like peacocks or supermodels about to take the runway. Ryan hadn’t told her about this party. She guessed he knew that she would have drawn the line at publicizing of their relationship to his friends. Before last night she would have been against it. Now, she was warming to the idea of being referred to as Mrs. Carville.
She stared at the red jersey thrown on her bed. Even though she was draped in a soft cotton robe, she preferred the Carville jersey. At least wearing that she’d felt like she belonged. Kennedy picked it up; the fabric smelled like hot dogs and the cola Riley had managed to pour on her when his father threw his third touchdown for the night. She smiled at the sweet memory of her son’s excitement. But she did feel a little sorry for him, having to watch all the action from the private box seats instead of out among the crowd. The only people there to share his enthusiasm were businessmen and models who had no interest in the game. She felt so bad that she’d let him go sit in the stands with his grandfather at the beginning of the second half.
Kennedy stared at the name on the back of her jersey. Carville. As a teenager she had dreamt of being Mrs. Carville. Now that she was, she didn’t find it as glamorous as she thought she would. But it meant something more to her. She belonged, to him, to his family, and in his world. By just wearing the jersey and turning up at the game she had showed her support and made a statement: She was Ryan’s wife.
Whirlwind Romance: 10 Short Love Stories Page 60
