“Jiminy Crickets! Did you just fart?” Danika choked out as she fought to hold her breath.
“Well, technically, no. I’ve been bloated with gas from decomposing earlier. I can heal everything up, but I can’t really get rid of the gas unless I let it out.”
“Stop! Dear God, it’s like a skunk had sex with a dirty diaper, and your butt’s been babysitting it the stinky little spawn.”
Penny leaned a little, and let more gas out, “I’m sorry, what was that Blondie? You were offering your complete and utter surrender?”
“Fuck y…oh God someone please roll down a window.” Niki looked ready to hurl. We all did, except for Grim, who was calmly driving the van.
I glared at him, “How can you handle this?”
Grim laughed, “Please. I’ve been in a transport with a whole squadron trying to stink each other out.” It was then that I saw he had all the vents blowing away from him like some kind of fart shield. When I pointed it out he just said, “Like I said, I’ve dealt with this on a much larger scale. I never once said that I hadn’t learned a few tricks to cope with it.”
Penny wheeled around to Grim, “Cheating, huh? Well, you will all bow down to the power of my ass!”
Grim smiled at her through the rear-view mirror. “I’ve bowed down to that ass before.”
Penny grinned, “You like my tiny, tushy huh?”
“I love your tiny tushy.” Grim blew her a playful kiss through the rear-view mirror.
“You’re sweet, but you too shall succumb to the unholy powers of my ass!” Penny leaned over and…it sounded like someone was strangling a tuba. Then the rest of the stench of death filled the van. Even Grim’s air conditioner shield couldn’t protect him.
“Oh God, it’s burning my eyes!” Grim howled like he’d been maced.
“Don’t be a baby, it isn’t bothering me any.” Penny gloated.
“You don’t have to breathe.” Niki croaked as she desperately fought with the window to get it to roll down. Even after the windows were down, and the air conditioner was blowing at full blast, the stench just hovered. It was all I could do to keep from tossing my cookies right then and there. We drove until we reached the hotel, and couldn’t jump out of that van fast enough.
As we were walking through the lobby we could hear people talking.
“Poor girl just walked right in front of that bus.”
“She couldn’t have been much older than her early twenties.”
“Just stepped right out there.”
“Do you think she was on drugs?”
“Took them twenty minutes to clean the street.”
“Everyone that works here dies, maybe this place is cursed.”
“Bus didn’t even slow down. It’s like he didn’t see her standing there.”
There were a bunch of people milling about, and the crowd made it pretty difficult to get to the elevator. When we passed the front desk there was a line of angry guests complaining.
“Ghosts!”
“My refrigerator is haunted.”
“I wake up and this apparition was trying to…I’m not that kind of girl!”
“A ghost was trying to sniff my panties.”
“Ghosts keep moving everything in my room.”
“Switched my toothpaste with Preparation H.”
Thankfully, we were almost to the elevator. Unfortunately it was then that Penny started laughing maniacally. Trapped on an elevator with Penny, and her magic-butt-of-death. Everyone froze, even Grimmy. Penny kept walking and hit the elevator up. Then she calmly turned around and with an evil glint in her eye said, “Oh, come on! Don’t be chicken. It’s just a tiny enclosed space with no effective ventilation. What could possibly happen?”
Niki shook her head, “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but this seems like a perfect time for me to take my best girl here to the bar, and get her a little tipsy before getting into her pants.”
“Best girl?” Danika’s eyebrow raised, “Are there others?”
“If you play your cards right, then I might consider it.”
“Whoo-hoo!” Danika took Niki by the hand and started dragging her off to the hotel bar.
Grim laughed, “And they make fun of our sex life. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.”
“It’s African American sweetie, Black is insensitive.” Penny giggled.
“You’re so weird.” Grim pulled her into a big hug.
“That’s why you love me.”
“That’s just one of the many reasons I love you.” Grim smiled as he bent down to kiss her. He took his time, lingering on her lips…and now I’m the awkward third wheel.
The elevator opened, and we all got in. Grim hit the button, and then gave Penny another kiss. This time more passionate, and it seemed to promise a whole evening of passion. That left me and good old reliable B.O.B. once again. The elevator started it’s painfully slow climb. The elevator song this time was a really jazzy instrumental version of Lime in the Coconut.
Grim started humming along, and pretty soon he was actually singing to it.
“Penny has an ass, and thank God it’s all mine, Daphne Dinkly has one too, and boy, is it fine.”
At that my eyes darted up to the man, and I tried really hard not to blush, but of course I failed.
Grim just kept singing, “Penny shows me her sexy butt, I spank it all up.” And of course he then gave her a quick pop on her booty.
“DD shows me her sexy butt, I spank it all up.” Then he gave me a hard pop on my rump, and suddenly this cowgirl was ready to ride.
“I show them my sexy butt, they spank it all up.” With that Grim turned around and…well who could resist an opportunity like that. We both gave him a sharp pop on the keister.
Grim spun back around and kept crooning away, “We’re all showing our sexy butts, Penny grabbed a paddle, we all need a spank. Penny say Banana is the safety word for your sake. DD say bend me over, and make my ass quake. I say bite DD’s ass like it’s a piece of cake. Penny say, Grimmy your wood sure isn’t fake.”
Penny and I were both howling with laughter, but Grim kept on chugging away through his song like the perverted little engine that could, but probably shouldn’t. “DD shows me her sexy butt, and Penny spanks it all up.” To which Penny suddenly slapped me right on the fanny.
“Penny shows me her sexy butt, and I spank it all up.” Penny wheeled around, and Grim slapped her on the rump hard enough that she gasped, but it wasn’t a gasp of pain. It was more like he’d just found her whoopee button. A happy little gleam filled her eyes.
“I show them my sexy butt, and they spank it all up.” Again, who could turn that down. It’s just so firm and…spankable.
“We’re all showing our sexy butts, Penny grabbed a paddle, because we all need a spank. Then Penny says, Banana is the safety word for both your sakes. I say, bend me over and make my ass sting. DD says give Grim a few pops and now look at his thing. Penny says it’s thick and it’s swollen, now it’s time for a fling.” Grim was shaking his rump as we popped it in rhythm. Considering it wasn’t that long ago that we were about to be killed brutally…it was a pretty great way to end the night.
The elevator door opened, and Katy was leaning against the wall in the hallway. She looked upset, like she’d been crying. All our horseplay ended immediately. “What’s wrong?” Penny said, and went to Katy’s side to comfort whatever was the problem.
“Emilia is dead.”
“Emilia?” Grim asked.
“The waitress. My old neighbor. She was hit by a bus shortly after you guys got off the phone with me. She…died.”
“I thought you didn’t like her?” Grim was careful to sound sympathetic, but there was a real confusion in his voice.
“I don’t…I mean I didn’t, but I still grew up with her. I know her parents, and sometimes she could almost be nice. Sometimes she was like a bitchy sister. I know you guys want to leave. I’ll catch up with you all after the funeral. I need to
stay and see this through.” Katy’s voice had a grim determination.
“If you’re staying, then I’m staying. You shouldn’t be here alone.” Penny pulled her into a gentle hug.
“I’m staying.” Grim said calmly.
“Well I’m sure not driving by myself all the way back. So someone’s going to have to text Niki and Danika that we’re all staying because you know they won’t go without us.” I said, and then started reaching for my phone. After giving them both the heads up, I turned back to everyone. Katy was hugging Penny, and Grim was just staring down. His face was gentle, and sympathetic.
“Do you want us to drive you to your family’s house so that you can talk to her parents, and maybe visit your own?” I asked.
Katy turned a little pale, and then bit her lip. She didn’t seem to be able to decide, but then she took a steadying breath. “Yeah, it’s probably way past time."
Chapter 16
“Sorry that we forgot to bring dinner.” Danika said.
“It’s okay. I’m so nervous about tonight that I’m not sure I’d be able to keep anything down. I’m glad you were all able to come.” Katy said weakly.
“Hey, we’re practically family. We may not always get along, but then again, who does?” Danika leaned over and hugged the little witch.
Grim drove. He kept drumming his fingers nervously on the steering wheel. He was strangely keeping quiet. Normally he was jovial, and even chatty. I got the feeling that his mind was elsewhere.
“So then DD asks me if I’m okay, and I say in my best African American Knight impersonation…”
“African American what?” Danika said, interrupting Penny.
“African American Knight. Black is so culturally insensitive.” Penny said it calmly, as if it all made perfect sense.
“Wait! Wait! Wait! So you’ve replaced all references to black with African American. That’s crazy.” Danika sounded every bit as confused by this as I was.
“No, it makes perfect sense. Black is African American, yellow is Asian, brown is Hispanic, orange is Caucasian, and red is Native American unless it also has a dot because then it would be Hindu.” Penny sounded so serious.
“So black licorice?” Danika asked.
“African American licorice.” Penny responded.
“Black Mamba?”
“African American Mamba.”
“Black-eye?”
“African American eye.”
“Red beans?”
“Native American beans.”
“Wait!” Niki interrupted, “I have one. So when you eat a bag of skittles? You aren’t eating yellow, green, red, purple, and orange?”
“Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! You’re eating Asians, Martians, Native Americans, Zombies, and of course Caucasians.” Penny sounded completely sure of herself.
“I know I’m going to regret this, but…Martians, Zombies, and Caucasians?” Niki sounded incredulous.
“Well, think about it. Aren’t aliens always green?” Penny said calmly.
“Yes.”
“The flying people eater was what color?”
“Purple, but I’m still not clear on why you call him a zombie.” Niki sounded even more confused.
“Simple, he eats people. Therefore, he must be a zombie.”
“But he flies.” Danika interjected.
“Jetpack.” Penny answered calmly.
“A jetpack riding zombie?”
“Now you understand perfectly.” Penny smiled.
“That’s crazy. It has a horn, and one eye.” Danika sputtered. “Why a zombie, and not Cyclops, or unicorn?”
“Don’t be silly.” Penny huffed.
“I’m the one being silly?”
“Of course. First, it eats people. Unicorns don’t eat people. Second it’s flying, and so that means it used a jetpack. How is a unicorn going to fly a jetpack? They don’t have any thumbs.” Penny sounded as though the words coming out of her mouth were perfectly reasonable to her.
“Okay, fine. I concede the unicorn, but why not a Cyclops?” Niki sounded confused.
“Um, hello…how would he put on the helmet?”
“Helmet?” Niki and Danika both were growing more confused with every second.
“Well yeah. Nobody is going to let a Cyclops fly around on a jetpack without a helmet. They only have one eye, and no depth perception. Plus Cyclopes usually have their eye way up on their forehead so any helmet would cover its eye. So what crazy backwater jetpack rental place is going to rent a jetpack out to a Cyclops? Nobody would insure a place that did that kind of stuff.”
“But they’d rent to a zombie?” I asked incredulously, and immediately realized that I had now joined in on a conversation about zombies riding in jetpacks. I went to M.I.T. Now I’m discussing the insurability issues that zombies and Cyclopes might have in renting jetpacks with a vampire, a werewolf, and an ex-cheerleader. When did my life turn into a really bad fan fiction?
“Of course they’d rent to a zombie. Zombies are already dead. If a zombie falls out of the sky and smashes into the ground, then what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like you could make it any more dead, and if it got hurt, then what? Are they going to sue?” Penny gnarled her hands up, squinted with one eye, and tried to do her very best zombie impersonation, “You’re honor. I broke both my legs, and now I am unable to shamble slowly after my food. I haven’t eaten a fat guy or a pathetically stereotypical minority in weeks, and the last couple I ate having premarital sex…well they weren’t even hot. I’ve been reduced to eating the elderly. Have you ever eaten old person’s brains? They’re nasty, and they swing those walkers like they’re trying to hit a home run.”
Niki and Danika were both rolling with laughter. Penny suddenly sat up straight and stiffly, “Can you even imagine the commercials?”, and then sounding as pompous as possible, she said, “Are you a zombie? Have you been injured while devouring your innocent victims, or have you been injured in the attempt of procuring an innocent victim? Have you, or a Zombie you know been shot by your potential dinner? Is your insurance company refusing to cover the gaping chest wound left by some crazy old war veteran’s shotgun, the fractured skull by a young woman’s baseball bat, burns from a biker’s Molotov cocktail, or did you lose a limb when that crazed African American shot those gas tanks with that hunting rifle? Is your zombie insurance company refusing to pay? Well then you need the tough, smart, lawyer that cracks the thin eggshell skull of injustice so that you can get your delicious payday.”
Penny then shifted her demeanor and voice to that of some cross between a hillbilly and a redneck, “My lawyer got me one hundred thousand dollars. I used to worry about where I was going to find my next yummy-yummy brain, but now I’ve got strippers and slutty party girls willing to give me anything for a few dollars. I may never go hungry again!”
Danika and Niki were rolling in laughter. Even Katy was doubled over laughing, “Oh God! Please stop before I wet myself.” I couldn’t help but laugh with them. Penny was doing her absolute best to cheer Katy up. Even with all their problems, Penny still cared about her and didn’t want to see her upset.
Niki got control of herself long enough to ask, “So if it’s a zombie, why does it only have one eye?”
Penny deadpanned, “It had two, but one fell out.”
“And the horn?” I asked.
“When it’s not eating brains, it likes to play a little smooth jazz.” Penny spoke as if everything was just self-evident. Which only made it funnier to all of us. We were laughing so hard that I noticed people in other cars glaring at us like we were a bunch of loons. Oh, if they only knew. The only person conspicuously quiet was Grim.
My ribs hurt from laughing, but I still had to ask, “So why is it that you call the orange ones Caucasians?”
“Because only Caucasians are stupid enough to use a spray on tan that turns you a color not found in nature. There’s a huge difference between golden brown, and neon flipping nuclear orange
.”
“You’re just screwing with us aren’t you?” Katy laughed.
“Every chance I get.” Penny smiled.
“Well, you’re certainly a lot more playful.” Danika grinned.
“Well, I’ve actually had a few decent meals today. I’m still a long way from being anywhere near my best, but at least I’m not having to conserve my energy so much. I’ve been starving for a while, and if you hadn’t noticed…it makes me a bit of a grumpy butt.”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!” We all said sarcastically in unison, except for Grim. He just seemed to be somewhere else.
Penny crossed her arms in a huff, and grumbled, “jerks.”
The van swept through the city. Katy gave us directions. She was visibly nervous. Janine appeared next to her, “It’ll be okay. We’re here, and we have your back.”
“It’s just been so long since I’ve seen them. I didn’t leave on good terms, and I just don’t see this ending well for me.” Katy sounded sad, and more than a little afraid.
Janine put an arm around the little witch, “no matter what happens, we still care about you.”
Katy’s bottom lip trembled, but she fought off any tears. Grim was disturbingly quiet the whole drive, and everyone was starting to notice. We kept chatting away, but during the conversation we all kept stealing glances up at the big guy. Something was really eating at him, but whatever it was, he didn’t seem ready to talk about it.
Finally, we pulled into a driveway. The house was like something off a greeting card. White picket fence, well-manicured lawn, and a well-lit walkway leading up to a warm and inviting front door that practically begged for you to come knock on it.
Grim shut the van down, and stepped out without a word. Katy stepped out quietly as well. The rest of us crawled out, and then stretched for a few moments before making our way up the walkway. I caught up with Grim, “Are you okay?”
“We’ll talk later.”
“Something wrong?”
“Later.” Grim’s voice was hard, and left no room for discussion. Normally he made it a point to be more open and inviting, but right now he was all business. I wasn’t completely sure if this was because of Katy, or if something else was going on, but if I was a betting woman, then I’d have had to say something else was rolling around in Grimmy’s noggin.
Midnight Squad: The Ties That Bind Page 26
