“Oh…right…well, I just wanted to make sure all our ducks were in a row,” I improvised. “And funny thing, when I was chatting with the girl on the phone, she mentioned that they were looking for some freshman to help out with orientation. So I kind of signed up.”
“Wow, way to be a team player,” she replied sounding surprised. “Didn’t expect that one.”
“So, I’m going to be leaving a little earlier than planned.”
“When? On the 10th?” she asked.
“Not quite. Right after graduation,” I confessed.
“What? Right after? Like that night?” she exclaimed.
“The next morning. I can get a flight out there at nine.”
“And you just decided this today?” she asked suspiciously.
“Well, I was thinking that I’d try to live dangerously now that I’m college-bound,” I replied forcing a nervous laugh.
“I wish I could go with you, but my mom would kill me. She has all of these day trips planned for us before I leave.”
“I would never ask you to change your plans for me, but I wanted you to know. I’m going to give Meg a call in a bit.”
“I’ll fly out a few days early so you won’t be alone for very long,” she offered. I should have known. I was expecting a lecture on how I was going to miss all of the post graduation parties, but Danielle being Danielle knew just what I needed to hear.
“I appreciate it,” I began, “but like I said, don’t switch too much for me. It’s my choice to go early.”
“Oh, I’m going to miss you, Jillian! There’ll be so much going on after graduation. I wish you could stick around a little longer, but I understand. At any rate, there is so much fun to be had in NYC.”
“Danielle, don’t call it that. We’re trying to blend.”
“See! That’s what I’m going to miss when Val attempts the ice luge at Tyler’s party. I know you’d have just the perfect comment,” she added wistfully.
“Yeah, I suggest taking a blow torch to any area that comes in contact with her mouth,” I replied.
“There you go!” she cheered.
“One more thing,” I added. “I’m not going to tell many people I’m leaving. Then I’ll just be stuck saying all my goodbyes tomorrow, and I just want to enjoy the day. Would you mind keeping it between us?”
“Oh. Sure,” she replied, sounding confused by my request. “I can tell Josh, though, right?”
“That’s fine,” I replied. “I just don’t want to focus on it. It’s going to be hard enough.”
“You have my word,” she added.
After clearing my wardrobe with Danielle and hearing about the atrocious outfit she saw Sarah buy at the mall last week, we said our goodbyes, agreeing to discuss the move more tomorrow.
I went to bed afraid to fall asleep and dream about the boy on the bike.
The next morning when I woke up, I lay in my bed remembering how I felt the first time I graduated. I knew there were bigger and better things ahead of me, and I was so happy to put high school behind me. Now, on my second time around, the knot in my stomach had become crippling. I wished I had more time. If I wasn’t enrolled in that summer program, he wouldn’t have made such a rash decision, and I wouldn’t be faced with leaving him. We would have had an opportunity to figure things out over the summer.
For the first time in three weeks, I wished this hadn’t happened. Sure, I was able to bring Nate and Meg together and rid our lives of future Val torture, but in the process I’d spoiled my beautiful, blissful ignorance. How was I supposed to move on knowing what I was missing? Was I expected to go to frat parties, dance on tables and go to laser light shows with burnt-out losers? How could any of them ever compare to Luke?
I stared at the cracks in the ceiling for longer than I should have because when I looked at the clock, I realized I only had an hour to get ready. Pushing my tumultuous emotions aside, I hopped out of bed, glancing like I did everyday at my calendar. The Word of Day was ambiguous.
Ambiguous: having more than one meaning
Kind of a weak Word of the Day, if you ask me.
I put on my shiny, happy sundress and a fabricated smile before heading downstairs leaving Joan on my desk. There really wasn’t anything that could make me feel better and, unfortunately, Joan would have just made me feel worse.
My parents were putting their coats on in the living room when I reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Jillian, sweetie, you look beautiful,” my mom sighed. She wasn’t used to seeing me wear dresses, especially shiny, happy ones. It was already making her weepy.
“We’re real proud of you, Jill,” my father added, resting his hand on my shoulder.
“Thanks, Dad,” I replied. If they didn’t leave soon though, I was going to lose it. “Now, before Mom ruins her makeup, get going. I want you to get good seats so you don’t miss any commencing.”
“Are you sure you don’t need a ride, honey?” my mom asked.
“No, Luke’s coming to get me in a few minutes,” I replied casually.
“Oh, is he?” my father interjected, showing sudden concern.
“It’s not like that, Dad,” I replied.
It’s so like that. Well, at least it was.
“Then what is it like, Jillian?”
“Henry, settle down,” my mom interrupted, grabbing him by the shirt sleeve. “He’s giving her a ride to graduation. Hardly a cause for alarm.” She turned to me smiling and placed her hands on my cheeks like she used to when I was small. “We’re proud of you. We love you. Make sure you father’s mace is in your purse. Let’s go, Henry.”
My father followed behind her grudgingly and once they were out the door, I was left by myself to wait for Luke’s arrival. I grabbed the navy blue gown off the hanger in the hallway closet and slipped it on. My eyes began to sting again just as I heard a rumble outside. I closed my eyes, willing myself to keep it together and grabbed the cap from the coffee table.
I opened the door just as he was about to ring the bell, startling him in the process. He had his gown on as well. It wasn’t zippered so I could see his clothes underneath. He was wearing a tie and he looked really, really good. It was so unfair.
“Didn’t mean to scare you,” I said nervously.
“You look beautiful,” he replied softly, grasping my hand and drawing me towards him. I indulged myself yesterday, but I couldn’t let it happen again today. When he leaned in to kiss me, I backed away.
“Settle down, big guy,” I began, aiming for a light-hearted tone and failing miserably. “I don’t want to walk into an event where there are hundreds of cameras with swollen lips. That just screams high school hussy.”
“I don’t know,” he replied, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me tighter. “I think I like that idea a lot. That’s a graduation picture I’d definitely want copies of.”
“Come on, you pervert. Let’s go,” I replied, wiggling out of his grasp.
It was then that I realized the Lexus was parked out front and not his bike.
“I thought we were going to graduation on your bike?”
“As much as I want you on the back of my bike, I don’t think this is the appropriate attire,” he mused darkly, motioning to my dress. “Plus Grace pretty much vetoed the idea.” Truth be told, I was honestly relieved he brought the Lexus. It would be much easier to ride in a car with him today instead of pressed up against him as we straddled a motorcycle. Not to mention that I might as well just show up with swollen lips since my hair would end up looking like I had a pre-grad quickie.
I was so in my own head that the ride to school was very quiet. Luke attempted to engage me in a debate over his music selection and, at any other time I would have gladly argued that Third Eye Blind actually had a few good songs, but not today. I didn’t want to be reminded of our easy banter or our silly barbs. Today wasn’t commencement; it was the end.
I knew that there were speeches and clapping. People cried and laughed. J
okes were made and inspirational prose was recited. I didn’t listen to any of it. When it was time to collect our diplomas, Danielle fluttered across the stage. Megan employed a fierce strut. Nate offered a fist pump, Josh a charming nod. Luke smiled at his aunt and uncle, then locating me in the crowd, winked before returning to his seat. When it was my turn, I walked in a daze to the stage, accepted my diploma and took a seat feeling nothing but pain and remorse.
When it came time to launch our caps into the air to celebrate, I ducked away from the crowd heading toward the bleachers to find my parents. I thought that I had been covert until I felt someone tugging on my sleeve.
Luke.
“I was thinking we could take that ride now. Maybe do something about those lips,” he teased.
“Actually, my parents want to take me to dinner to celebrate, so I’m going to head back with them. Sorry,” I replied uncomfortably.
“Can I see you later?” he asked softy, pushing the stray hairs away from my face.
“Well, I’m not sure how long we’ll be gone for.”
Please don’t make this harder for me, Luke. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.
“Call me then?” he offered, sounding disappointed. I hated myself. I didn’t reply. I just smiled.
“Thank you,” I added softly.
“For what?”
Everything.
“For the ride.”
“Anytime,” he said, staring at me strangely.
By the time I reached my parents, my eyes were glassy and my nose was running. I convinced them after a great deal of debating that it would be easier to have a celebratory brunch on the way to the airport the next day. I wanted to go home and wallow.
That night, as I lay in bed, congested, miserable and surrounded by Kleenex, I heard a pinging sound outside. I shot up in bed, listening for the sound. When it happened again, I knew exactly what it was.
Luke was throwing rocks at my window.
I sat on my bed in the dark, watching the window as I listened to the pebbles bounce off the glass. I wondered if it would shatter if he continued. It would be so appropriate. Each ping against the window caused so much of a fracture in me that by the time the sounds stopped, I was convinced I’d never be whole again.
My parents drove me to the airport the next day. I ate breakfast. I nodded when they spoke. I was sure they chalked it up to nerves. When we arrived at the gate, my mom cried. I did too, but sadly, not for her. I’d see her again.
I could barely breathe by the time we boarded the plane. I knew I was making a spectacle of myself, but I couldn’t find the motivation to care. A kind flight attendant handed me a box of tissues. I wondered if people had breakdowns on planes often.
I was shaken from my thoughts when the older woman sitting next to me rested her hand on my arm.
“Everything is temporary, dear,” she said with a sad smile. “It’ll be okay.”
I slept restlessly throughout most of the flight—strange, vivid dreams flashing in my mind. At times I felt like they were frighteningly real, but I didn’t understand them.
When we landed, I was the last to disembark. For some reason, there was a finality to actually stepping off the plane into JFK. As I walked sleepily out of the tunnel, my eyes scanned the crowd at the gate. The plane was heading back to Seattle soon. The people waiting were heading back to Washington. My eye caught one girl wearing a U-Dub sweatshirt. I couldn’t help but stare as I passed by.
It would be so easy. I could be right back in Seattle if I wanted. I could walk right to the ticket counter, purchase a ticket, and be back on the same plane, homebound. I could be heading back to Luke.
I stopped in front of the sign that directed travelers to go down the escalator to baggage claim or across the building to ticketing. It wouldn’t be the craziest thing I’d ever done. But I couldn’t.
As I turned to follow the sign to baggage claim, a wave of nausea rolled over me. Within seconds, I was sweaty and shivering. Panicking, I looked around for a place to sit down, but all I could think about was that I didn’t want to hurl all over the floor in the middle of a busy airport.
The nausea intensified while tiny gray dots appeared in front of my eyes. By the time the fuzzy black cloud moved into my periphery, I knew what was happening.
Before I hit the ground, my last coherent thought would have made me laugh if I had been able. It was so calm and collected considering the gravity of the situation.
Everything is temporary.
CHAPTER 17
Luke
It wasn’t going to go well. I knew this already. I wasn’t fessing up to an F on a trig exam or trying to convince Grace I had an inner ear infection when I staggered home drunk. This was big. And it was going to be met with resistance. But even knowing that I was about to drop a bombshell on two of the people I loved most in this world, I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face.
I knew Jillian was overwhelmed when I told her my plans to move to New York. She still looked skeptical at graduation. I expected that because, shit, I was surprised myself. But I knew it was the right decision. Although she’d be living in a dorm with her friends, all I could think about was Jillian wrapped up in a white sheet in my small bedroom. She’d be busy with school, but we’d find time to be together and I wouldn’t have to wonder what it felt like to wake up with her in my arms anymore. I planned to wake up with her in my arms a lot.
As much as I wanted to continue thinking of Jillian in my bed, her hair against my pillow and her clothes on my floor, I needed to have the painful conversations I’d been avoiding. So I pushed the image of her out of my head temporarily with every intention of revisiting it later and picked up the telephone.
“Jonas,” I heard the gruff voice answer on the other end.
“Jonas, hey, it’s Luke,” I replied tentatively.
“Well, I was wondering when you’d work up the berries to call me back,” he said coldly. “I called last Sunday and again on Wednesday. Called Friday morning, too.”
“Jonas, I’m sorry,” I began, feeling tongue-tied.
“I don’t need your apology, Luke. Are you calling to tell me that you aren’t coming because I think that’s what’s going on. Am I right?”
“It’s not like that. There’s this girl—”
“Jesus Christ, Luke,” he sighed, sounding exasperated. “So what? You’re not gonna work? You’re gonna screw around all day? Is that the plan? Carter must be thrilled.”
“No, that’s not the plan,” I replied defensively. “She’s going to NYU and I’m going with her.”
“To NYU? Kind of late to enroll, isn’t it?”
“I’m not going to NYU,” I added. “Just to New York.”
“Ah. I see. And Carter said…?”
“I wanted to call you first,” I explained.
“Good idea because a corpse wouldn’t be able to make this call.”
“It’s not going to be that bad, Jonas. I know he won’t be thrilled but he likes Jillian—”
“It’s going to be a goddamn bloodbath,” he interrupted laughing darkly. “But I’m not here to hold your hand or change your mind. You’re a big boy now. If this is what you want, then do it. I just hope you’re making the right call.”
“I really appreciate what you were going to do for me, Jonas. I do. I just need to do this,” I replied. It sounded like I was pleading. Maybe I was.
“I can’t say I’m not disappointed. But good luck, kid,” he added.
I hung up, feeling like shit. I hadn’t waivered in my decision, but it still sucked being told that I was a screw-up. I really hoped he was wrong and Carter would see that my life wouldn’t be ruined if I went with Jillian to New York. It would be the opposite.
Grudgingly, I made my way downstairs to discuss the change of plans with Carter and Grace. Carter was in the living room reading the newspaper, reading glasses perched low on his nose. I’d miss him—probably more than I’d be able to express.
“Hey,�
� I called out to get his attention.
“All packed?” he asked, looking up over his glasses and smiling.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked cautiously.
“Is everything alright? Should I get my keys?” He started to get up, ready to drive us out to the cliffs and work out our shit like we always did. The man knew me better than anyone.
“Actually, I’d like to talk to you and Grace.”
“Oh, sure,” he replied, confusion crossing his face. “Grace, could you come in here for a second?”
When she entered the living room smiling, I had a brief flash of remorse. I sucked in a deep breath before I began.
“I’m not going to Seattle tomorrow,” I announced.
“When are you going then?” Carter asked, visibly confused.
“I’m not…going to Seattle.”
“You’re going to have to give me a little more than ‘I’m not going to Seattle’. Is this about Jillian?” he asked, putting the paper down and moving towards the edge of the couch.
“Listen. I know you’re upset and I understand that, but I know what I’m doing,” I explained, trying not to sound petulant.
“Which is what, Luke? What is your plan now because I need to understand this,” he implored. My stomach was already in knots because I truly hated doing this to them.
“Luke,” Grace interjected. “Jillian is a lovely girl, but if you’re changing your mind based on your relationship with her, I think we need to discuss this.”
“I know how this sounds and I know what you’re going to say. But my mind is made up. I’m not letting her go off to New York without me.”
“You can’t be serious,” Carter replied, incredulously. “Luke, be reasonable.”
“I already called Jonas.”
He stared at me for a moment, his mouth gaping and his brows furrowed. He slowly began shaking his head before raking his hands over his face.
“I love you, Luke, but you’re out of your mind. You’re eighteen.”
“I know,” I replied not saying it outright, but I wasn’t asking for permission.
Living Backwards Page 24
