“Sorry,” he clears his throat, “but you kind of left yourself wide open to that one.”
“It’s okay, you’re right I did. Too bad for you though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well too bad you’ll never get to refresh your memory.”
He laughs at my teasing, and when we arrive at the ice cream parlor, he wears a smile all the way inside. We smile as we eat our double scoops. Smile as he uses his thumb to remove ice cream from the corner of my mouth. Smile as he drops me off at my hotel. Smile after an all too brief hug and a promise to see each other tomorrow. And as I fall asleep that night, I find myself smiling into the night, hoping that Cole’s smile follows me into my dreams.
I’m in an unbelievably good mood today. I was smiling like an idiot when I fell asleep and again when I woke up this morning. I can’t turn the damn thing off. Usually my smile while working out is menacing; I usually picture my opponent’s face instead of the bag I’m punching. It’s a good motivator, but today? Today, I’m smiling a smile I haven’t sported in five years. One I haven’t felt like wearing since the day she left.
Even now as I pound the bag in front of me, my mind is elsewhere and I keep reliving the time I spent with Tatum last night. God, it felt so good to be with her again. It’s different of course because we aren’t together, but it’s also the same in some ways too. I find myself falling back into old habits with her, like the sexual innuendo I made, and other times I feel like a stranger around her. It’s a strange mixture that I’m trying to navigate my way through.
Problem is, I don’t have long to navigate my way through anything with her. She leaves way too soon for that. My smile instantly falls, and I push the thought away electing not to go there right now. I can’t, I’m not ready. I’ve known our time together is temporary, and I never expected to get more than a glance at her from the second I found out she was here. But having gotten more, it’s like giving a drug addict his drug of choice after a long withdrawal. I want more and more, and because of this, the detox is going to be hell. It’s going to be a blow to my heart once again.
“What the fuck, Cole?” Jerry slurs at my back making me swing around to stare at him. I didn’t even hear him walk up to me. “Is there a reason you’re staring at the bag instead of hitting it?”
“Uh, no.” I mumble partly because I didn’t realize I was staring and partly because I’m taken off guard by his appearance. He’s been in the office since I arrived a few hours ago. I’ve been going through my routine, working hard and ignoring him. I know I have a fight in a couple days, so my lack of concentration certainly isn’t helping, but hell, I work out every damn day. I’ve been training non-stop for five long years. I love it, but it’s been wearing. I’m allowed an off day.
“I’m going to ask you this one more time. What the hell is going on with you? Your head has not been in the game this last week. Do I need to remind you that you have a fight in less than forty-eight hours? At this rate, you’re going to get your ass kicked and you know what that means. No extra money going any-fucking-where.”
“Shove it up your ass, Jerry. I’m tired of this shit. You and I both know that this little deal between us is about over, I don’t care what you say. So go ahead and threaten me all you want, I don’t care anymore.”
“Oh, really? Is that right?” He laughs and I hate myself for the fact that my stomach sours at the sound. “So you don’t care if I call up Jax and the other guys and tell them all about our little deal then? You know they’ve always been wondering why you put up with my shit.” I’m shocked at his words because I’ve clearly underestimated the fact that he pays attention to what’s going on and being said around him. I should have known better. I’ve slacked off and gotten too comfortable after five years I guess.
“Didn’t think I knew about that did you? I know everything you little shit, remember that. Including the fact that you’d give anything for them not to know the reason I’m still hanging around even though Jax has tried his best to get rid of me.” My stomach twists at the thought of them knowing what I’ve done. It’s pathetic, but my pride can’t take the blow. I’ve done everything I can to keep it from them over the years – they wouldn’t understand. I’ve thought so many times about asking for help, to lay it all on the table, to take the beating to my dignity if it meant I could get out of this massive hell hole I willingly put myself in. But, I can’t. The fact our deal is coming to an end makes me realize that it’s likely they are going to find out anyway, but I can’t let my mind go there. I don’t want them to know that Jerry has had me by the balls all these years. They will never respect me again.
Jerry laughs again as if he can hear my internal thoughts, “Now, I don’t know if you’re in need of a fuck, or what. But get your ass out of here, take care of it, and then get back here the same time tomorrow to take care of business.”
God, I hate him.
Without a word I walk away and instead of cleaning up in the locker room like I usually do, I grab my things and head home instead.
Hours later, I’m feeling better. Nothing a long shower, some food and a nap can’t help. I’m about to head out to pick up Tatum for our date to the fair tonight when my phone rings. “Hello?”
“Cole, where the hell have you been? I haven’t seen you in like…two…three…days?”
“Zane, hey.” Zane has been one of my friends for years; we met in high school. Zane and Jax have been friends since they were kids, but other than Tyson, I met the Zane, Jax, Levi, Dylan, and Ryder in high school. We all became fast friends because we were on the high school wrestling team together and managed to take number one in the state two years in a row. We all received small scholarships to Arizona State University and then went on to fight in the MMA too. Tyson we met when he started working out at Jax’s gym and got into MMA later. If guys have best friends, they would all be mine. They’re my brothers, which is why it’s been so hard to lie to them for five years. “I’ve been working hard with the fight coming up. Sorry I haven’t been by the gym.”
“Yeah, Ryder was going on and on about not seeing you lately, I told him I’d give you a call. When are you going to come by?”
“Is that Cole?” I hear Dylan ask in the background. “Tell him to get his ass here before Ryder starts crying like a little girl.”
“I live right down the hall from him, all he has to do is come knock on my door.”
“Yeah, that’s what we said, and according to him he’s tried and you haven’t been home the last couple times he’s knocked. So, we are checking in to make sure all is well. That Jerry hasn’t killed you and disposed of your body or something.”
“Ha. Ha.”
“Glad you’re not dead and rotting somewhere!” I hear Tyson say into the phone.
“Get the hell away from the phone, man, I’m trying to talk to him,” Zane says in annoyance. And then I hear a bunch of shuffling and murmuring that I can’t make out.
“Fuck! That hurt asshole!” Zane says and I can hear Tyson laughing in the background.
“Well, thanks for caring, but I’m fine.” No response, just more shuffling and name-calling. “Zane! Zane!” I yell trying to get his attention back.
“Zane can’t come to the phone right now,” Levi says into the phone.
“Where’s Jax?” I ask. “You guys clearly need a babysitter.”
“Do not,” Levi says.
“Give me that!” Zane says. “Sorry, man. These guys are adolescents.”
“Yeah, I know.” Hell if I don’t have a smile on my face from this call. Idiots. “Thanks for calling, but I’m good.”
“You going to come by soon?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there tomorrow, which reminds me, uh… I need to ask you for a favor. I’ll have someone with me when I come in tomorrow…”
“Dude, if it’s Jerry, you know Jax isn’t going to let that fly.”
“It’s not Jerry, I know better than that. It’s…Tatum.”
�
�Wait, did you say Tatum? The Tatum? The Tatum you dated back in college? Tatum that left and you were never…?” I can hear the hesitation in his voice.
“Never, what?”
“Come on, man. You know you were never the same after she left.”
Running my hand through my hair at his words, I sigh, “Yes, it’s that Tatum.”
“Fuck man. She’s back? You okay?”
“When did we become women that share our feelings and shit?”
“Screw you. It’s not my fault you don’t talk about shit. Now answer the damn question.”
I’m grateful for the fact I have friends that care even though I can’t help yanking his chain about it. “No, she’s not back. She’s just here for a visit and we ran into each other. Sort of. It’s kind of complicated.”
“Isn’t it always?” he sighs.
“She wants to come to the gym tomorrow to see all of you if you’re going to be around.”
“You know we will be. We always are for the most part.”
“Yeah, I know, can you give the guys a heads up? I just want to avoid any awkward comments and surprises I guess, I don’t know.”
“I’ll handle it.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, no problem. And, Cole, next time don’t stay away without touching base with Ryder, alright? He becomes downright moody when he hasn’t seen you in a while. You guys have a complicated bromance.”
“We don’t have a bromance.”
“Whatever, man,” he laughs. “Deny it all you want, we know the truth.”
“Look, I can’t help it if he can’t go a few days without seeing me. I have that affect on people.”
“See you tomorrow,” he laughs as he hangs up, but not before I hear him yell Ryder’s name, no doubt eager to tell him about our conversation.
Anxious now to get out the door, I arrive at the fair in record time. Tatum asked to meet here because she had some things to wrap up at the gallery this afternoon and wasn’t sure how long she’d be and thought it would be easier to come straight here. It’s a nice night, and I’m glad I had the idea to come here. It’s lighthearted entertainment and should be fun.
Hesitant for a moment to get out of the car, I find myself reveling in my nerves. It’s a good feeling, one that’s been foreign for far too long. It isn’t that I haven’t been with a woman since she left, that’s not true at all. I’ve had far too many bumbling, meaningless, ridiculous, encounters. Some embarrassing, some I can barely remember, and others I would do anything to forget. They’ve all had one purpose – taking care of a need and in the process relieving my loneliness – at least for a few moments. Hell, I’ve been lonely. I guess that’s the ramifications of accepting a deal like I did, one you can’t tell anyone about without consequence. Quick and no strings was the smartest choice; the least risky. Keeping distance from everyone for the last five years emotionally was the smartest thing to do. Not because I’m trying to protect myself, but because I’m taking care of her. Always her.
Closing my eyes for a minute, I try to hold onto my nervous feeling a little longer, revel in it. The excitement of seeing her face, wondering if I will risk trying to brush my skin against hers, just a finger against her hand or a brush of my thumb across her cheek. I want to touch her. I want to see her smile, hear her laugh, watch her hair blow in the breeze and see happiness shine in her eyes. Just one more time, once more before she leaves.
Letting go of my thoughts for now, I get out of my car, roll my shoulders back a few times then start heading toward the fair entrance where we agreed to meet. It’s crowded and I maneuver through a lot of people, my eyes roaming the crowd. I spot her right away. She’s standing near the ticket booth. She’s wearing jeans that are molded to her body and a bright red shirt. Her hair is pulled back a little from her face and her lips are painted a bright red that matches her shirt. As I walk toward her, she doesn’t see me, so I’m free to stare at her lips. I imagine what it would be like to walk up to her, take her in my arms and kiss her senseless. Like I used to. I wonder what it would be like to hold her in my arms again, and call her mine.
The crowd parts and she sees me. A smile instantly lights up her face and it causes a slight hitch in my step. How many times have I thought about her smile over the years? I thought I’d only ever see it again in my dreams. It’s better than I remember.
“Hi,” she says, eyes full of excitement.
“Hi, you look amazing,” I tell her honestly.
She looks down shyly, “Thank you. I went ahead and got us both tickets to get in.”
I frown, “This was my treat.”
“How about you buy me an elephant ear instead?”
“Deal,” I nod. We hand our tickets over to get inside and then stand still after taking a few steps past the entrance and look around. “What do you want to do first?” I ask.
“Eat! I’m starving,” she admits.
“Food it is then.” Without thinking about it, I grab her hand and begin moving in and out of the crowd toward the tents and trailers where the food is located. Her hand tightens in my own and I enjoy the weight of it. When we reach the vendors, we take a minute to look around. There’s everything from pizza and hot dogs to deep friend twinkies and the elephant ear I’ll be buying at some point. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Hmm…” she taps her finger on her chin as she looks around and decides. She’s never been shy about eating and it’s something I’ve always loved about her. “Everything looks good to me. What are you hungry for?”
“I’m thinking-”
“You ask.” I hear loudly behind me.
“No, you do it.”
“Fine. Um, excuse me,” a voice says even louder behind me. I turn around to find two boys that can’t be anymore than twelve or so staring at me. They each take a step backwards when I face them, making me stifle a smile. The brave one and clearly the designated speaker asks, “Are you Cole ‘Rampage’ Russell?” I can’t help but smile and nod. “I told you it was him,” the boy says to his friend.
“And you are?” I ask.
“My name is Brandon and this is Joe,” he jabs a finger at his friend. “We’re big fans. We’ve seen you on TV.”
“Well thank you for watching.”
“Can we have your autograph?”
“Oh, um, sure…” I say looking around for something to write on. I grab a couple napkins from a nearby food stand and wait to ask a worker for a pen when Tatum interrupts. “Here you go.”
I look up and find her holding out a pen with a smile on her face. “Thank you,” I nod and smile. Quickly scribbling out a note to both boys I sign it and hand it to them.
“Wow, thank you so much. I can’t wait to tell my dad I met you!”
“You’re welcome.”
“I want to be a fighter just like you some day!” The little boy Brandon tells me.
“Oh yeah? Want some advice?”
“Sure,” he says and leans forward anxious to hear what I’m going to tell him.
“First, and most importantly, stay in school. Compete on your wrestling or MMA team if your school has one, but stay in school. That’s really important. Stay in school all the way through college okay?” They each nod solemnly. “And the second thing is to never ever give up. Taking a bit of a beating when you first start is normal, it’s all part of learning how to fight. If you stick with it you’ll end up becoming more like a hammer, the one that gives the beating, instead of the nail, the one that takes it. Understand?” Once again they nod. “Alright, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for saying hi to me.”
“Bye Mr. Rampage,” Joe says and I suppress a laugh and give them a wave.
Turning back to Tatum to give her the pen she loaned me, I find her smiling, but there’s a little sadness on her face too. “Cole, you’ll make a really great dad one day. I always knew you would.”
I can’t help it, I take her into my arms and I kiss the top of her head. Sometimes there are moments when words
aren’t necessary, a touch, gesture, smile, look, it says more than words could and this is one of those moments. Pulling away from her, I smile and wait for her to return it. “Come on, let’s eat, I’m starving. I’m thinking a good ‘ol fashioned hot dog, what do you say?”
She smiles, and the melancholy washes away, “Sounds perfect.”
With hotdogs in our hands moments later, we walk around and decide to sit around where a band is performing. Quiet at first, she finally turns to me when she’s finished eating, “Does that happen often?”
“What’s that? The boys?”
“Yeah, that was adorable.”
“From time to time,” I shrug. After taking the last bite of my hot dog, I wipe my mouth and then raise my brows at her, “I have an important question.”
“What’s that?”
“What should I win for you?”
She laughs, “What do you mean?”
“Well this is a fair isn’t it? That means games!” With a laugh, I grab her hand again and we head toward various games. The first game we step up to is where you throw darts at balloons and the more you pop the bigger the prize. With my five darts, I only manage to pop three. Tatum laughs and cheers me on the whole time, which makes me smile non-stop. When they hand me a rainbow colored unicorn I look at it awkwardly, but Tatum jumps up and down and claps. When she takes it from me, she gives me a kiss on my cheek.
“Yay! I love it!” As she pulls away from me her cheek brushes against mine slow and soft. Our eyes connect and I want to kiss her right then. Instead, I vow to play every damn game they have there to win her things if that’s going to be my reward. We laugh the whole time. I play a basketball game trying to make as many baskets as I can in sixty seconds, I try to knock down a bunch of bottles with softballs, shoot ducks in a pond and even lose horribly trying to win her a goldfish that would probably die before we even left the park. I’ve won her several little items and happily received a kiss each and every time. I’m sure it’s not my imagination when this time it seems the kiss lasts a little longer. I’m thinking that I haven’t had this much fun in a long time when we walk up to a game that I know I can’t lose.
Fighting Pride Page 9
