When the room begins to darken with the setting sun, I glance at the clock and realize I’ve run out of time. “Tatum, I’m sorry but I have to go. I have plans I can’t get out of, but you said your plane doesn’t leave until late morning tomorrow, right?”
“That’s right,” she says, her voice sounding gravelly from the tears she shed earlier.
“Can I take you to the airport? Maybe grab an early breakfast with you?”
She swallows and nods. “Yes,” she whispers and I wince at the pain laced in a single word.
We get dressed in silence, the weight of her imminent leaving heavy between us. I walk her to the door, pull her into my arms and kiss her. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“See you soon,” she says with a wink and leaves.
I take a moment to gather myself before grabbing my gym bag and the things I need before heading out the door behind her. While driving to the arena where my fight will be held, I try to transition my thoughts from Tatum to the fight ahead of me. Turning on some music, I use it to help me switch my headspace.
I’m barely through the door of the dressing rooms when Jerry is on my case. “It’s about fucking time you get here, boy. You were supposed to get here fifteen minutes ago. I was about to send someone to find you.”
“After fifteen minutes? That’s ridiculous,” I tell him even thought it’s pointless.
“Get dressed smart ass. You need to get warmed up.”
Ducking my head, I move to the bathroom and change my clothes quickly. When I exit my hands are wrapped with tape, and I start jumping around and shadow boxing to get the blood moving through my veins.
“There’s no reason you shouldn’t win this fight. He may be bigger and stronger, but you’re smarter. Your win will mean a huge payout and I need this. You need this,” Jerry says gleefully.
And therein is the reason he lined up this fight against Bruce ‘Bulldozer’ Jennings to begin with. It never should have been done. He’s been fighting longer than me, and his opponents have been on a level I haven’t reached quite yet – they are also in a higher weight class. I’m good, and I’m almost there, but I’m not yet. He arranged it because the money if I beat someone a weight class ahead is twice the usual sum. How he got them to agree to that, I’ll never know. But, I’m not an idiot, and I know Jerry’s dealings and the arrangements he makes aren’t always on the up and up. It’s not like I can say a goddamn word about it though, he made sure of that, and I agreed to it all.
Someone ducks their head in to tell us it’s time for me to make my way to the ring. There were other events before mine, some really good cards too, even though Jax and the guys aren’t fighting tonight. I’m actually glad since I would have missed them – well except for Jax. He’s always a headliner, which drives Jerry fucking crazy, so of course it always makes me happy. It’s the little things.
As I begin making my way down the hallway toward my designated arena entrance, I almost smile when speaking of the devils I see Jax, Levi, and Ryder up ahead. They are watching me intently, no doubt worried about what’s about to go down. They each tried asking me about this fight one by one when it was announced, all disagreeing with the match up. I nod at each of them doing my best to convey assurance, but it doesn’t seem to work.
Just as I’m about to pass them, someone pushes out in front of Ryder and I do a double take before I stop completely. Panic. Panic runs through me like fire and my heart beats double time. Tatum. Tatum is here. “Tatum? What are you doing here?”
“Levi told me about your fight tonight,” she says and I glare at Levi who looks surprised by this statement. Putting his hands up he says, “Dude, I mentioned it at dinner. I had no idea she didn’t already know about it. You played me,” he says to Tatum and she ignores him.
“You can’t be here,” I tell her. “Please go. Now. I’ll call you when this is over, okay? I promise, but I need you to go now.”
“What? No. I want to see your fight, Cole.”
Terror runs through me and I glance at Jerry. He was walking ahead of me, and I’m thankful that he is talking to someone and has no clue that I’ve stopped several steps behind him. “Tatum, please,” I plead. Jerry can’t see her. He can’t. And then, my blood runs cold.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Tatum,” I whisper. “Go.” Then I look at Jax in panic, “Jax?” He nods, but before he can make a movie Jerry asks again, “Who the hell are you talking to? A woman?”
I turn and make sure Tatum is behind me, blocking her from view. “It’s no one,” I tell him and try not to wince at the lie. She’s everything. She’s fucking everything. I silently tell her I’m sorry in my mind.
“Did you seriously bring one of your fucks here, boy? You know how I feel about that. You need to keep your head in the fucking fight, not on your dick.”
“My head is where it needs to be, don’t worry,” I tell him and after looking over my shoulder at Tatum, I look toward Ryder and Jax and again beg, “Please,” I say soft enough that Jerry can’t hear me, but loud enough that they can. “Keep her away from him.”
Ryder and Jax both stare hard at me, and I know they each have questions that will likely come later. The great thing about them though is that they know now isn’t the time and they won’t hesitate to do what I ask for a second. I want to keep Tatum away from Jerry’s eyes, at any cost. “Please,” I ask them again and they each nod immediately, “You got it,” Jax says.
“Don’t worry,” Ryder says. “Go.”
I nod and don’t look at her again before I walk away. I can’t. God, she shouldn’t be here. I don’t want her to see this. I don’t want him to see her. He can’t see her.
When I reach the door, I’m announced, and I make my way down the aisle. I barely pay attention to the music Jerry selected to play as I walk, or the cheers around me. It’s loud and thundering and usually pumps me up even more, but right now, nothing can do that. I just want this to be over.
When I’m finally in the octagon, they don’t waste any time getting the fight started, immediately announcing each of us and stating our statistics. I wince when the ten-pound difference between “Bulldozer” and I is announced. I had to agree to fight someone in a weight class higher than my own, and looking at him up close and personal I’m regretting that decision. He’s built like a brick shit house. Fact is, Jerry does what he wants and I just go along for the ride, hardly paying attention, although this time I should have. Too late to back out now.
Jumping around in my corner, I try to focus. From the side, standing out from the crowd, I hear Ryder shout, “Alright, let’s do this. Head in the game. Bring him down, Cole.” Glancing toward him, I see him standing with the other guys. All of them are standing and have their arms crossed over their chests, and right between the intimidating line they make is Tatum. The sight makes my movements falter and I hear Jerry question it and curse something behind me. Ignoring him, my thoughts don’t stray from her as Bulldozer and I meet in the middle and bump fists, wishing each other, “good luck.”
I’m distracted by her presence – knowing her, she refused to go. Apart from carrying her out over their shoulders, they would have tried and said anything to get her to go. The look on her face was pure fury. Squeezing my eyes shut quickly, I do my best to push her from my mind for now. Jerry won’t chance looking over there with Jax among them, so she’s safe for now. The bell rings and Bulldozer and I begin circling each other. Round and round we go until finally we each make the first move – at the same time. We both start throwing combinations, neither of us landing any significant blows. When we back away from each other, my nerves have finally been shaken and I’m in the zone now.
My strategy going in was to take him to the ground as soon as I could because I had been told, and saw when I reviewed one of his fights, that he’s really good on his feet. It’s apparent to me that his take down defense has improved drastically because he’s defending each of my attempts well – I can’t get him to the ground. Af
ter a few more times trying to take him down, we clutch each other against the wall, until the referee separates us. He immediately comes at me with a flurry of punches, one grazes me, and when I feel something slide down my face I can’t tell if it’s sweat or blood. I also throw combinations of my own again, landing a couple, but I don’t think it’s done any damage. It seems to be a slugfest this first round, and the round itself seems to be taking forever to end. I attempt once more to try to take him down, because I’m much better at grappling than boxing. It doesn’t work, so this time, I go for his knee, but he lands a solid to my face during the attempt making blood explode from my face and fly in the air and splatter on the mat. I’m pretty sure my nose is broken. Sniffling and trying to ignore it, I stand up, just as the bell rings.
As soon as I head back to my corner and Jerry, he starts in on me. “What the fuck is this shit? This isn’t fighting. This is you getting your damn ass kicked. Stop being a goddamn pussy for once in your miserable life and get this done already. This isn’t the kind of fighting that gets us paid, son.”
God, I hate him. “Are you not watching the same damn fight? I’ve tried taking him down and haven’t been successful.”
“I’ve seen poor ass attempts.” He starts telling me what I need to do, mixed with insults like usual while at the same time sopping up the blood from my face and applying cold steel to reduce swelling where he can. I grunt when he shoves gauze up my nose in an attempt to stop the blood flow before I go back out. As soon as he pulls it back out so I can resume the fight, I feel a couple drops on my upper lip and know immediately, his attempts to stop the blood flow didn’t work. I can hear the guys yelling encouragement from their places ringside, a female voice among them standing out from the rest. “Come on, Cole. You’ve got this.” I almost smile – almost.
As we head out for round two, when the bell rings, I begin by trying to kick Bulldozer in his legs several times hoping they’ll weaken from the strikes enough for me to finally take him the hell down. He continues to come forward, swatting off my strikes like flies, and lands another combination which stuns me. I see double for a moment.
“What the fuck was that, Cole. Shake it off. Shake it the fuck off, you bastard. I thought you were better than this, maybe not.”
I actually manage to chuckle without humor at his less than supportive words although I don’t know how. I feel pain. My right eye begins to swell up, and I can’t tell if it’s my head, my heart, or my nose, but I’m pounding every-goddamn-where in rhythm to my heartbeat. I try not to let it distract me and throw some haymakers trying to land something – anything. When I connect, it’s not promising because it doesn’t appear to have had much of an impact on Bulldozer. He lands another flurry of shots, and I suddenly realize I’m getting my fucking ass kicked.
I’m bleeding down the side of my face from the top of my eyebrow; my nose is broken, my right eye is hard to see through and is swelling more and more by the second. Nothing I seem to try is working, he just keeps coming at me again and again, this time throwing shots to my face. Yet another round that feels like it’s lasting forever. I’m not going to lie; I just want this over, and over now. I want to talk to Tatum. I want to get this time back from this stupid fight and instead choose to spend it with her. For an insane moment, I even contemplate dropping my arms and walking off. Suddenly, I feel incredibly done. I feel tired. I feel like I can no longer carry this fucking weight on my back anymore. I want to quit – even if it means they carry me out of here.
Bulldozer comes in right then and starts wailing on me. Jerry is screaming, the guys are screaming, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t defend his strikes; they’re coming fast and furious. I cover my head to try and fend off the worst of them and then pull myself into a ball. I’m done.
The referee steps in between us and stops the fight just as the bell rings. I clearly didn’t have it in me to fight him tonight – maybe not any night. He is the better fighter and should have won. I’m glad the referee stopped it. “What the fuck was that? You are a piss poor excuse for a fighter. Do you know how much money you’ve lost me?” He’s pissed and embarrassed, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m past caring.
After they officially declare Bulldozer the winner, I leave the octagon eager to get back to the locker room so I can see a doctor and take a hot shower. My adrenaline is still pumping, but when it wears off I’m going to be in a hell of a lot of pain. Just as I hit the aisle, Tatum is there. “Cole. Oh my god, are you okay?”
“Tatum,” I glare at her with my one good eye. I’m angry, exhausted, and embarrassed that she saw me get my ass kicked. “Why are you here?”
“I said that I wanted to see you fight.”
I laugh bitterly, before I remember Jerry and look around quickly to see that he’s not here. Not yet. “I don’t want you here,” I tell her harshly almost wincing at my words. “I thought I made that clear before. Just fucking leave.”
She stares at me, her mouth open, and I feel like a dick for my harsh words but know that she’ll follow me clear back to the locker room if I don’t say them. And that can’t happen. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” Her eyes well with tears, “I can’t believe I thought-”
“Cole! Get the fuck to the locker room,” Jerry says from close by startling me. Turning away from Tatum, I hurry to the locker room, my interaction with Tatum making me feel sick.
As soon as I get to the locker room, Jerry starts in on me again, but I head to the shower and use the warm water to drown out his words happy when he leaves the room. Wincing at the stinging sensation each touch of water brings to my injuries, I watch the water turn pink from my blood as it washes down the drain. I keep seeing Tatum’s face in my mind, the look of hurt and betrayal at my harsh words. I hate myself.
When I put my street clothes back on, the fight doctor is there to handle my wounds. He works quickly and even gives me some pain meds to take tonight should I need them. For now I down some ibuprofen then sit on the bench, my head in my hands. “You look like you’re in pain, you must be replaying the fight in your mind, huh?”
Looking up I find Ryder standing there and I feel surprised. “What are you doing back here?” They always try to avoid Jerry at all costs.
“You’ve been beat up enough tonight, if Jerry even tries to speak to you again like he did out there, I’ll have a few things to say to him.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’m not your babysitter, I’m your fucking friend. Deal with it.” Saying nothing, I sigh. “What the hell is going on, Cole?”
“I’m pretty sure you saw what everyone else saw. I got my ass kicked.”
“I’m not fucking talking about that and you know it. What the hell is going on with Jerry? Why do you let him treat you that way? Talk to you that way? Jax would coach you in a second.”
“I know, it isn’t about not wanting Jax as a coach.”
“Then what is it? And don’t tell me to mind my own business because I’m done doing that. God, Cole, the way you looked at us when you saw Tatum here – you were scared. You were scared that Jerry would see her. Why?”
I stare at him and say nothing until he sighs at me. “Ryder, look, I get that you care. I do. And I would tell you if I could, but I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“I can’t.”
“We all know that Jerry has you tied up in some shit. It’s the only explanation and we aren’t fools. Just tell me what it is so we can help you.”
“Ryder-”
“Look, I’m going to do you a solid, because when I needed it, you were there for me. So shut up and listen,” I hold up my hands in surrender. “It’s fucking time to let go of your pride.”
“It’s not-”
“Shut up, Cole. That’s exactly what it is. You don’t trust us? We’ve been your friends forever. If anyone can help you with this Jerry shit, it’s us. The only reason you haven’t spoken to us about it is because your pride won’t le
t you. But, it’s time, Cole. You need help.”
“Ryder-” I say again but he gives me a look that makes me close my mouth.
“I was there Cole, do you remember? I was there when you went through hell with Tatum and losing your child. I saw what that did to you and I thought that you would never get lower than that. But instead of healing and getting better with time, you turned into something unrecognizable. I’ve sat back and watched you lose yourself – spiral into incredible depths - and I know without a doubt it has to do with that man. The way you just spoke to her out there. Spoke to the woman that I know you love because I can see it. Hell, maybe because I’m in love now I can recognize it easily in others, but I know how you feel about her and how you just were with her?” He sighs and shakes his head. Walking to me, he places a hand on my shoulder and I look up into his face. “All I’m going to say is this and then I’ll let you think on it, okay?” I nod. “The distance between you and help, is your pride. Aren’t you tired of feeling like this? It’s time for you to be the fighter that I know you are. Grow up, and do something about this. Enough is enough.”
I nod and don’t say a word because I don’t think I could if I tried. He’s right. I know he’s right and finally having someone say that to me, well I think I’ve needed to hear it.
He pats me on the shoulder a few times and squeezes it, then he clears his throat. Acting like this with me was more girly than he can handle, so he backs up. I smile, then wince when it makes my face hurt, “Thanks for the chat, girlfriend,” I tease and he frowns.
“Shut the fuck up,” he says with smile. “Now if I were you, I’d go and find that girl of yours. And here’s a piece of advice from someone in a new relationship. Get on your knees and don’t be afraid to grovel. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Good. Now go, and Cole, we better talk soon.”
Nodding, I walk out of the locker room with Ryder, my friend, at my side, my thoughts already moving to Tatum and begging her forgiveness. Not able to wait until morning, when I get in my car, I head to her hotel, not sure how or what I’m going to say, but needing to see her never the less.
Fighting Pride Page 13
