“Pioneer?” I say when I can’t stand the anticipation any longer. My voice is raspy at first; my throat’s dry from lack of water and use.
“Lyla?”
It’s Will. I break down, my sobs coming in fits and starts.
He opens the supply room door wider and props it open with a large can of peaches. He doesn’t turn the overhead lights on yet and I’m glad, because my eyes are still adjusting to the indirect light from the stairwell. It hurts and I have to shield my eyes.
“Pioneer said that I should bring you some water.” Will holds out a cup and waits.
I stand up and shuffle closer to the bars once my eyes adjust. I take the cup from him and sip. It’s warm, but I could cry it tastes so good. “Thanks. Where is Pioneer now? What’s happening? Is everyone okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”
Will shrugs. He looks weary and miserable. “I’m not hurt. I don’t know how everyone else is just yet. It was pretty crazy out there. We’re sealed in. The sheriff pulled back a while ago and we just left everything and came here. But Pioneer says that they’ll try to get in soon.”
I lean my head against the bars. I was hoping everyone was still outside. I was hoping that somehow I could convince Will to tell them about Pioneer’s new plans and that they could run from Mandrodage Meadows, take their chances with the sheriff. Live.
“Will, you have to get me out of here. Pioneer’s losing it. He’s planning something awful and we need to warn everyone.”
“Shut up!” Will yells. I stagger backward as if I’ve been slapped. “Pioneer warned me you’d do this. You’ll say anything, won’t you? When did you get like this, Lyla? How could you let yourself turn on him—on all of us—so easily?”
“Will, I’m not, I promise I’m not. Please believe me. He’s planning on killing all of us now so that we won’t leave here. Ever. We have to stop him.” My head hurts. A lot. Talking is making it worse. I press my hands to my temples and try to make it stop. I need to make him hear me. “Please, Will, there’s no time.”
Will doesn’t seem to be listening. “You were mine, Lyla. We were supposed to get married someday. How could you even look at anyone else?”
It hits me then—how much I’ve hurt him. He really does love me. Not in the friendship-type way that I love him, but in the deeper, more romantic way that I don’t. I’ve always known that he liked me more, but it’s so much stronger than I suspected. The center of my chest aches. Will is one of my best friends and I’ve hurt him, wounded him enough that he may never forgive me. But now is not the time to talk about any of this. I need to get him to focus on Pioneer. I need to get him to help me find a way out of here and then go and warn the others.
“Will, none of this matters right now. Listen to me! Pioneer’s going to kill us. Not the sheriff, not the men outside. Pioneer.”
“Why should I believe you? You call him a liar, but you’re the liar, Lyla.”
“What happened with Cody …,” I begin.
“Just shut up! Don’t you say his name. I don’t want to hear it!” Will shouts. He looks up at me. His eyes are shiny with tears. Then he turns and walks further into the supply room, keeping his back to me. “You’re never going to love me like I love you, are you?”
His question shocks me. He turns back again, his eyes angry, but sad too. “Are you?”
I wish the cell bars weren’t between us. I want to go over and put my hand in his, to make him see that I will always care for him. I work to soften my answer. “I don’t know, Will. I’ve always hoped that I could someday.”
He swallows a few times before he speaks. “Well, I’m not sure I want to be your consolation prize anymore. I deserve better than that, Lyla.”
“I know, you’re right, you do,” I say. I’d convinced myself that he was somehow oblivious to my true feelings, but now I know he’s always known. I can’t imagine how much it’s hurt him these past few years. I am cruel and selfish and utterly unworthy of his devotion. I’ve failed him. I’ve failed everyone.
“I am so, so sorry,” I say because it’s all I can say. “What’s wrong with me, Will? Why couldn’t I just be what everyone needed me to be?”
“Don’t do that,” Will snaps. “You can’t ask me to pity you now. I won’t. You got yourself and all of the rest of us into this mess. For what? So you could play at being a regular teenager? Well, you’re not. None of us are. We’re chosen. And yes, that means sacrificing some things. But we have all had to do that. Don’t pretend that you’re the only one who’s struggled with what Pioneer asked of you. It’s not our place to question him or the Brethren’s plan. You have and now see where it’s gotten us—underground months early with Outsiders breathing down our necks. We’re gonna have to keep fighting them off to keep ourselves safe now. You get that, right? We’ll be fighting until the end of days. They’ll find a way in eventually, it’s just a matter of time. And it’s all your fault.”
He’s still convinced that Pioneer is sticking to the original plan. He won’t believe a word I’ve said. He’s not going to get me out. He’s not going to warn the others. I have only my word as proof of what Pioneer’s planning, and my word is meaningless in the face of his anger and hurt.
I sink down onto the cot. No one will believe me if Will doesn’t. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m to blame for what’s happening. If I hadn’t questioned Pioneer or let Cody in and told him everything, we might’ve been okay. Pioneer wouldn’t be planning to kill everyone. Will wouldn’t hate me. My parents wouldn’t doubt me. I’ve started something I can’t stop now. No matter what, it won’t end well—for any of us.
Will hits one of the supply shelves with his palm. “You’ve ruined everything.” He rushes toward the supply room door, but stops long enough to turn the lights out again. He’s gone and I’m alone in the dark—which is exactly where I belong.
Remorse for what? You people have done everything in the world to me. Doesn’t that give me equal right?
—Charles Manson
It’s only when I wake with a start that I realize I was asleep again. I keep doing that. Falling asleep. It scares me, but I can’t stop it from happening.
There’s noise in the stairwell. I bolt upright on the cot and listen. Someone’s coming. I shrink into the corner of the cell and watch as the supply room door swings open. A thin slice of weak light shoots into the open space and then a shadowy figure slides in after it before pulling the door shut.
“Whoa,” I hear someone whisper before there’s a click and a flashlight turns on. The cone of light it casts bounces off the storage shelves for a few minutes. I can’t see who’s holding it, but I know it’s not Pioneer. Whoever it is is much shorter than he is.
“Over here,” I whisper, and the light finally lands on my cell. I put my face to the bars. I feel relief wash over me. Pioneer hasn’t hurt anyone yet. I still have time, another chance.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Ssshhh!” someone whispers. The light swings backward and illuminates Marie’s face. “I am toast if anyone finds out I’m down here. I’m gonna have to leave the lights out just in case, sorry.”
She puts a hand on mine. “How are you?”
“Not good,” I say, and open my mouth to say more, but she cuts me off.
“I’m so sorry about before. I should’ve stuck up for you. I should’ve told them the books and magazines were mine.”
“No, you did the exact right thing. We’d just both be in here right now.”
“And I’m sorry about Indy. I didn’t know … most of us didn’t. My dad said that Pioneer only told the men and even then he only told them just before they had to … kill them.”
“I’m sorry too. Marie, where’s Pioneer?”
She shrugs. “I haven’t seen him in hours. Things are out of hand right now, Lyla. Your townie boy’s dad showed up here a few hours ago and he wasn’t alone.”
“I know, I saw Brian come in just before they took me here.”
“There was gunfire. Ev
eryone was shooting. It wasn’t like target practice. I was so freaked out. I could barely aim the gun, I was shaking so hard. Will and Brian did better, but I don’t think that they actually hit anyone.” Her eyes are wide and scared, but excited too. It reminds me a little of Pioneer’s face earlier when he talked about our new mission. But she has no idea what Pioneer’s planning next.
“Marie, listen to me,” I say before she can start talking again. “We have to get everyone out of the Silo.”
I’m hoping that she’ll listen better than Will did. I need someone to believe me. I don’t want to fight this fight alone. And I need her to open my cell.
“Why would we want to do that? They’re still out there, Lyla.”
“Pioneer’s had a new vision. He told me when he came down here last. The Brethren told him that in order for us to be with them, we had to die now.”
Marie stares at me. “I know you’re desperate to get out of here, but seriously, Lyla, accusing Pioneer of something like that is just crazy.”
I exhale loudly. She doesn’t get it. “Marie, I’m being serious! We’re not safe in here.”
Marie makes a face and cuts me off. “You can’t start all that again. Pioneer’s doing what he has to. You like that boy, I get it, and it sucks that you can’t see him again. But this is not the way to handle it. You’re just getting yourself into more trouble.”
I drop my face into my hands. Why did I think that I could get her to listen? I make a frustrated sound into my palms.
Marie comes closer to the cell. Her flashlight dances across my cot. “Everything will be better now that we’re underground, Lyla, you’ll see. We can both start over. I can’t exactly sneak magazines and stuff anymore and you can’t see that boy. It’ll be easier now. No more temptations, right?” She looks at me hopefully. “It’ll be good.” She’s convincing herself as much as me.
“No, it won’t! We’ve been friends for a long time, Marie. Look at me. Do I look like I’m lying to you?” I move until I’m just on the other side of the bars from her. We stare at each other.
Marie stills and her smile fades away. “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. You have to get me out of here. We have to go warn the others.” I’m feeling hopeful again. With Marie to back me up, I should be able to get at least some of our friends and family to believe me.
Marie’s just staring at the bars, her face slack with shock.
“Marie?” I say, and pat her hand to try to snap her out of it. “Marie! I don’t think that we have a lot of time.”
She looks up at me, her eyes bright with fear. “What’re we going to do? We’re sealed in here. It’s already too late.” She grips the bars and her flashlight slides upward, caught between her hand and the iron. It sends a perfect circle of light bouncing across the ceiling. I can’t see her as clearly now. She’s more shadow than person.
“I don’t want to die, Lyla. I thought being in here meant that I wouldn’t have to.” She starts to cry.
I place both of my hands over hers. “We don’t have to die. That’s just it. Not if we all tell him together that we don’t want this. He can’t make all of us do what he wants, not at the same time, not on his own.”
“But won’t we just die in a couple of months anyway when the world ends? We won’t be able to come back in here then.”
“I’m not really sure that the end is coming anymore. Don’t you think it’s possible after everything that’s happened that he’s wrong? I think that’s why he’s fighting so hard to keep us here.”
“But what if he isn’t wrong?” she presses.
“It comes down to whether or not you’re ready to die today. I’m not. If the world ends, we can’t fight it, but we can fight one man. We can choose to live this day and every day after it that we have left. And besides, is being sealed inside this place really going to be living at all? We can’t even be sure how long we’ll have to be down here. If we’re stuck here the rest of our lives, will we feel like we’ve had any kind of life at all? I don’t think just surviving like that is enough, Marie, not for any of us.”
“But I’m scared,” Marie says. Her voice trembles.
“I am too. I’m terrified of standing up to him. I’m terrified of dying. But it’s like he said that day out at target practice. Even lambs have to be lions sometimes. We have to fight that fear. If we hadn’t been so scared of the rest of the world in the first place, we might not have given Pioneer so much control over us. It’s time to take it back.” I tighten my grip on her hands. “If we do it together, it won’t be so bad. Please, will you help me stop him?”
She sniffles loudly, but she doesn’t take her hands away from mine. I smile at her and hope that I look braver than I feel.
“Okay, lions it is, I guess … roar?” Her voice is shaky and that last word comes out more like a question than a statement. Her eyes meet mine and we both laugh, the high, hysterical kind reserved for times like this one when you have to either laugh or else scream.
“I came down here to get you out anyway.” She smiles through her tears. “I mean, I figured that with all the commotion, no one would notice right away, and by the time they did, you could’ve laid so low that they would see you weren’t gonna cause any more trouble. But I suppose that was some ridiculously faulty thinking, since I haven’t even sprung you yet and you’ve already convinced me to come over to the dark side.”
I grin at her. “I love you, Marie.”
“And I love you. Now stand back.” She puts a hand in her pocket and pulls out a key. “Did you know that there are backup keys to everything in Mandrodage Meadows? Pioneer had my dad get them made one time when we were on a supply run. I knew he had to have them stashed somewhere. Took me most of the afternoon to figure out where. Turns out they were in the armory. I saw them when I turned in my gun earlier.”
“You had to turn in your gun?” He doesn’t want anyone armed now. I shiver when it hits me how thoroughly he’s planned this next step … almost like it was something he’s been considering for longer than just today.
“We all had to. Pioneer’s idea. He said we wouldn’t need them anymore today. But I guess that’s because of what you said he’s planning.” She still can’t bring herself to say it out loud.
Marie moves toward the lock. She shines the flashlight on it and leans over. “I’ll have you out in—”
Her voice cuts off as the darkness behind her begins to move. Her chest bounces off the bars in front of me and her back arches backward like it’s on a string. The flashlight drops and spins across the floor.
“Marie, what happened? What is it?” I yell. My eyes follow the arcing path of the flashlight as it travels across the floor. A hand and Pioneer’s familiar plaid shirt materialize for a second. In the hand is a knife. Rimmed in blood. He was here all this time, even before Marie came in. Why didn’t I hear him come in? I must’ve been asleep. Was he waiting down here to see if someone would help me?
And now he’s stabbed Marie.
“No, no, no, no, NO!” I scream. “Leave her alone!”
The flashlight is still rolling across the floor, illuminating bits and pieces of Pioneer and Marie. Marie makes a small sound in the dark. I strain against the bars and try to reach out, grab Pioneer if I can. I want to keep him from her, but he dances out of the way.
Eventually the light stops on Marie. Her mouth is open. Nothing comes out but a rush of air. Then Pioneer’s foot hits the flashlight and it spins away again and she’s swallowed up by shadows. When the flashlight illuminates her body the next time, she crumples forward onto the ground. I crouch down on my side of the bars and reach for her.
“Marie!” The flashlight slows to a stop beside her slumping form. She looks at me. Her mouth is still open and trying to form a word or a scream or both. A thin line of red blood leaks from the corner of her lips and drips off of her cheek, which is now resting on the floor just outside my cell.
Pioneer picks up the flashlight. Marie manages to turn her head and her eyes go wide when she sees Pioneer standing there. I don’t think she knew it was him until just now. He bends down beside her and gently moves the hair from her face. He sets the flashlight down beside them so that it shines on them both and then he looks at me. His eyes meet mine and they’re resolute. Empty.
“DON’T YOU TOUCH HER!” I scream. I pull at the bars, try to shake them loose.
“She was going to let you out. It would have ruined my new plan,” he says. He looks from me to her again. “I can’t say that I’m surprised, though. Close as you two always were, it was only a matter of time before she followed your bad example.”
He looks down at Marie, his expression full of tenderness. “You are the first of us to travel on, dear one. May you take comfort in knowing that we will join you soon. No need to be scared now. You won’t have to be alone while you wait. I sent Drew on ahead of you last year. He’ll be waiting for you.”
I gasp and Marie’s body spasms. We thought he’d just left—all those magazines and Marie’s hope that she’d see him in one of them—and he was already gone. Pioneer was preparing for this day even then. I blink as tears fill my eyes.
Pioneer leans over and kisses Marie’s cheek gently. The pain in her face is almost more than I can take. She tries to turn away but he holds her face in his hands.
“LEAVE HER ALONE!” I yell, but he doesn’t even look up.
Pioneer’s lips move, but the words coming out are too soft for me to make out. Marie is struggling to move, to get away from him, but he sits on her and holds her shoulders down. She moves her hands to his, to pull his hands away, I think, but her fingers are shaking and she’s having difficulty working them. Her breath is wet sounding and whistling strangely.
Pioneer’s lips keep right on moving silently, prayerfully. He puts one hand over Marie’s eyes before he lifts the knife up to her neck. He clears his throat. “Travel safely to the Brethren in peace.” He says these last words like a benediction, and I throw myself against the bars. My head swims and my legs go weak.
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