by Devon Ashley
“Nick, I’m scared.”
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against the mattress. I should’ve been too, but for some reason this pregnancy scare wasn’t affecting me the way it should’ve been. Something just didn’t feel right about it, and I think my brain was realizing something rather important. “I’m not,” I replied, meaning it with all my heart. “Because I don’t think you’re pregnant.”
“No?” she asked hopefully.
“No. I think you’re right. I think your body is stressed and chosen to shut down your cycle for a while. I don’t know. Maybe it’s giving you a break because what happened was so traumatic. And let’s face it. You’ve gotten skinnier the past three months, not fatter.”
“I have, haven’t I?”
I thought I heard a little more confidence in her voice now. I murmured an agreement and leaned forward to rest my head atop hers. I didn’t want to risk saying anything more since she calmed enough to stop crying. So I just held her, and smiled as her body shifted to fit better within my arms and legs.
“Nick?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
“I had a conversation with Dr. Vitriz yesterday.”
My eyes sparked to life. She never liked to discuss her sessions with me. “Oh, yeah?” I remarked nonchalantly, despite the kick-start my heart just got. “What about?”
She sighed, and for a moment there I thought she was going to quit before she even began. But she surprised me again when she said, “About sex.”
A little confused, I narrowed my eyes, but she couldn’t see that. I had the feeling most of what they discussed in there had to do with sex – albeit not consensual – but I couldn’t just come out and say that. Going out on a limb, I asked, “About our sex?”
“You mean the lack of?” she corrected. I swear I could hear a drip of sarcasm in there. Maybe she was trying to focus on anything but the problem at hand, waiting on Thea to make it back. “Yes.”
“Oh,” I said flatly. It hadn’t dawned on me that her sexual relationship with me would become discussion, but I guess I never really allowed myself to think about it much. I figured they were there to help her deal with the rapes and her memory loss.
“I tried to get her to prescribe me something to help me overcome the fear of it, but she said no.”
Well, at least I knew she still wanted to have sex with me. That was a step in the right direction. But drugs? Really? “Oh, Megan. While I appreciate you wanting our sex life to fire back up again, I’m not a huge fan of you needing some type of drug to convince your mind that you’re really okay with going forward with that.”
She groaned and tried to bury her eyes in my shirt. “God, when you put it that way...”
My only answer was to pull her that much closer. For once she was really letting me touch her. It may have been selfish of me, but I wanted to absorb as much of this as she was willing to give. The only other times I’d managed to bring her in close were when she fell asleep in bed with me. Only in deep sleep did she allow herself to relax alongside me.
She seemed to need it too, because she didn’t fight it for one second. After five minutes of stillness between us, she quietly broke the silence. “Do you really believe I’m not pregnant?”
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. This girl was way too skinny to make me believe she was already a trimester in. “And when Thea comes back we’ll prove it.”
“Do you want to have kids one day?”
“Yes.”
“With me?”
My eyes opened wearily. “Why would you even ask that? Of course with you.”
After releasing an extended breath, she replied, “Because sometimes I feel like damaged goods that are about to be thrown away.”
“You think you’re the only person to ever feel that way? It’s just the depression talking, Megan. Don’t let it eat you up. You’re better than that. We’re better than that. Our relationship will be just fine in the end, okay? You see what we’re doing right now? When was the last time we were able to just sit quietly and hold each other like this?”
She huffed, but I saw the smile trying to break free across her face. “You can thank Dr. Vitriz for this.”
I silently groaned inwardly. I didn’t want to thank that woman for shit. I still blamed her for the sharp downward spiral Megan took soon after going to see her. Megan went from wanting me to touch her as much as possible to literally jumping every time we so much as brushed arms.
“When she wouldn’t give me the pills, she said I should start doing little things to make our relationship better. Start small and move on to something bigger each time.”
“Hence the embrace?”
“Hence the embrace.”
“So how’s it working for you so far?”
“It feels good,” she said softly, nuzzling her head against my chest.
“Really good,” I agreed.
Several more minutes passed before we heard the door to my SUV close out front. “You ready?”
She nodded her head and we rose to our feet by the time Thea hurried in, already unwrapping the box. “Okay, this is the only test they carried, but since you’re three months late, it shouldn’t matter how accurate it is. If you’re preggers, it’s gonna light up light a Christmas tree the second you pee on it.”
She handed Megan the wrapped stick.
“Okay, then,” she said, rather bravely I thought, given the situation. She squeezed my hand before letting go, trying to give me a weak smile as she left the room and turned left, heading for the master bathroom.
“Wow,” Thea muttered, crossing her arms as she leaned back against the wall. I rubbed my hands down my face and then squeezed the back of my shoulders, trying to relieve the tension. “Pep talk? Because that girl was on complete meltdown when I left.”
“You seem genuinely surprised that I can talk her down from the cliff. I’ve had a lot of experience in this department the past couple of months.”
“Yeah, I guess you would’ve. I’m not sure if my parents have ever told you, but I know they’re incredibly grateful that you’ve been here for her the way that you have.”
“Your mother’s mentioned it,” I replied, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress. Hell, even her father surprised the hell out of me by trying to thank me. He found it more difficult to bring it up in conversation, so he skirted his way around the topic. But I knew what he was trying to do.
“Me too, by the way. I’m grateful you’re taking such good care of her too.” She gave me a pressed smile. The kind you feel obliged to give no matter the crappy circumstances, and ours were pretty shitty for the time being. But I knew she meant what she said. “I haven’t really had a chance to get to know her that well as Megan. I know she’ll never be Claire again, but I hope she can at least find her way back to how she was before she got taken that last time. I kind of liked that girl.”
“Me too.”
“I’m glad she found you.” We held our gaze for several seconds longer than we should have, and then she snickered before adding, “When she first told me she was going to go out with you, I was like really? Yeah, I know the guy, but really? Nick Ellis? Do you know how many girls chase after him in school? Sorry, Nick. I wasn’t actually that supportive but I guess you proved me wrong. Way fucking wrong. You were the only other person who never gave up looking for her. You up and left your life just to work alongside her in that diner. Then there was that time you got shot.” That last bit was so blithe I chuckled.
“And now you can’t even do the job you love.” She sighed miserably, rubbing her eyebrows meticulously. “God, Nick. You’re making every guy I go out with look like complete shit before I can even get through a dinner with him.”
I laughed for real this time and I loved the way it felt. God, it had been so long since I had a reason to laugh.
“How the hell are they supposed to compete with all that?” she jested, shaking her head. “You’ve ruined me for other men.”
; “I suppose you could always look up ol’ Trent Michelson from high school. Didn’t he heroically pull someone out of a burning car a few years back?”
“Supposedly, but I think it was his drunk ass who caused the fire to begin with. Probably feared a manslaughter charge if he didn’t jump in and try to save her.”
“Oh, shit,” I cried. Now that I had started laughing, I didn’t seem to want to stop. But the second Megan stepped into the doorway with a plastic stick in her hand looking all serious, my laughter stopped dead. “What?” I asked worriedly. She wasn’t really pregnant, was she? Fucking shit.
Having the same reaction I was, Thea gasped. “What does it say?”
Megan looked down at the stick and shrugged. “It hasn’t been five minutes yet.”
“You don’t need five minutes!” Thea cried. “Only people who are barely pregnant or haven’t even missed their first period would need to wait. Your hormone levels would’ve skyrocketed by now.”
I stood as Thea swiped the stick from Megan’s hand. Relief came in a deep breath, followed by a smile as she looked my way. “Negative.”
“Thank God,” I moaned into my hands, so relieved I couldn’t find the words.
Megan, however, wasn’t all too happy with the ones I chose. She actually looked hurt. “You said you wanted kids with me.”
I immediately went on the defensive. “That’s not what I meant. Yes, I want to have kids with you. I’m just relieved it’s negative this time, okay? If it hadn’t been negative, we’d be freaking out about whether or not it was mine and you know it.”
It took a second, but the pain fell from her features, only to be replaced with a wearier one. Her palms went to her eyes, successfully blocking her from the world, or possibly judgment. “I know… I’m sorry. It’s just weird.” Her hands falling away, she seemed confused. “On one hand I’m completely relieved, but on the other, I feel like something’s been taken away from me and it wasn’t really ever there to begin with. Does that even make sense?”
“Yes,” Thea blurted. Hands cutting the air, she said, “Been there, experienced that.” Megan looked to her hopefully and I gratefully remained quiet. “I took one two years ago when I was two weeks late. Even had some of the symptoms. I thought for sure I was and a tiny part of me was actually happy about it, even though I probably would’ve had to be a single mom. But then it was negative.” She sniffed, and she actually looked ready to tear up. “And I actually cried, because I had already pictured in my mind what it could’ve been like. And I felt cheated. Like I lost it even though it was never really there to begin with.”
Oh, shit, she actually was crying now, and Megan reached out to hug her. Megan. Who these past six weeks treated skin contact like a flesh-eating bacterial disease. Twice in one night, with two different people, she was actually opening herself up for once.
I walked out then, because they were both crying now. Not only did I want no part of it, but I thought it might help the two of them bond the way Thea was hoping for. So I went back to the kitchen and put away the food I knew none of us were going to eat tonight. I showered and fell into bed, feeling Megan join me sometime after ten. She let me wrap my arms around her, but when I woke up a few hours later, she was gone again.
On weekday mornings, Nick always slept in, usually getting up around nine instead of six-fifteen. I thought Thea would too, but when I heard a thump come from down the hall, I panicked and quickly tucked my bright yellow dummies book beneath the sofa and grabbed my GED study guide off the coffee table. I had just opened it up to my bookmarked page when Thea shuffled her way past the opening and headed for the kitchen.
“Good morning,” I greeted with a partial smile, my frantic heartbeat declining now that I knew I wasn’t busted.
She waved me off and mumbled, “Uh-huh,” as she made a beeline for the coffee pot.
I sifted through the memories, but for the life of me, I had no idea what she used to make her coffee. “There’s creamer in the fridge, mugs and sugar in the cabinet above.”
“Okay,” she muttered. Two minutes later, she nestled into the opposite side of the sofa.
“Figured you’d sleep in. By the looks of it, I’m thinking you should head back.”
She whined and waved me off again. Her voice all scratchy, she replied slowly, “No, I’m good. Just let me down this first cup.” After inhaling half her cup, she spotted the oversized book in my lap and tilted her head to read it. Her face perked up once she realized what it was. “Oh. So how’s the studying going?”
I mindlessly flipped through the pages – it wasn’t like I was in the mood to read it anyways. “Easier than I thought it would be. Turns out I’m not a blank slate with my studies the way I am with my identity.”
“Hmm. You’d think they’d want to dumb you down a bit. But then again, I haven’t got a clue how they go about that brainwashing thing to begin with.”
“Oddly enough, me neither. Because I forgot!” I jested, dropping my jaw, badly faking my shock. Fuckers.
Thea pressed her lips firmly together, narrowed her eyes and wagged her whole hand at me three times, constantly pointing her finger. “Ah! See? Right there. That’s Claire. Total smartass. You’re more like her than you realize at times.”
“I don’t doubt that. I just haven’t got a clue where Claire ends and I begin.”
“Well, you’ll have to forgive me because I know Claire better than I’ve gotten to know you as Megan, but from what I can tell, you’re both sweet, strong and determined, but Claire had a hell of a lot more confidence and flair. But that’s probably because…” She faded away because she didn’t want to say it.
“She hadn’t been taken.”
“Yeah.”
My head started rocking forward and back, and for some reason just kept right at it for a moment. “It’s alright. I sort of do feel like I’m coming around. Like being around you guys and getting back some of these memories is making me change before my eyes. Like I’m starting to see who I was before, and feel the way she handled certain situations and making adjustments. And the weird thing is, it feels completely foreign, but it feels right at the same time.”
“Well, if it helps… I mean, if you’re accepting of these characteristics trying to fight their way to the surface, Claire’s sassiness was always my favorite. She knew how to put people in their place and make them like her all at the same time.”
I grinned, because I remembered the story Nick told me about the day we met at school. I was completely sassy that day too, and he said it was one of the things he loved about me from the start.
Thea returned to the kitchen to grab another cup of coffee. I tossed the study guide to the table, letting it slap the top as it landed. When she came back, we both turned to face one another from our ends, our toes almost meeting on the center cushion. Hers were cherry red. Mine weren’t even clear-coated.
“So are the memories still coming back?”
I grimaced for a second. “Not really. I mean, I had a huge surge of them come through when Dr. Vitriz had me do that hypnotherapy when we first began, but since then, it’s like the door’s been locked and the key tossed.”
“So why not do some more hypnotherapy if it worked so well the first time?”
The left side of my face frowned and my fingers suddenly became interested in picking sofa lint, my eyes following suit. “She wants to but I keep saying no.”
“Why?” she asked cautiously.
“Because not everything that comes back to me is good. I have no control over which memories return. I’ve already got a lot of ones I wish I could forget.”
“Oh,” she said incredibly quietly. “I was afraid you were going to say that.” After a silent moment on my part, she asked, “About Zander?”
“Oh, no-no-no-no. I remember everything about Zander.” Kind of hard not to when you’re lucid for the whole thing. “What I got back were some moments with Charles and those people who convinced me they were my parents.”
“God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that crap. Especially not today.”
Okay… Why not today over any other day? She was here. I expected this kind of conversation to pop up at some point during her stay.
“Be right back.” And just like that, she disappeared around the corner and fled down the hall. I decided to reheat my coffee, so I headed for the microwave. I was just pulling my warmed mug out when I heard Thea’s quickened steps thumping across the floor. I turned just in time to have a blue gift bag with bright orange tissue paper shoved in front of my face. I stepped back automatically, almost sloshing my coffee over the rim.
“What’s this?” I asked. Obviously, the bag wasn’t going to move, so my hand reached up to accept it.
“Happy birthday.”
I froze as the cord looped over my fingers. I had completely forgotten. “Oh, my God, that’s right.” I let the bag drop to the island counter. My mug went down beside it. How weird was it that I spent the past few years thinking my birthday was February seventeenth? Fucking brainwashers gave me a new one. Guess it was just one more way of stripping my true identity from me. Now my birthday – or Claire’s really – was September twenty-eighth and I was five months older than I thought. Today I was twenty.
“You forgot your own birthday, didn’t you?”
“Guilty. Is that why you wanted to come this weekend?”
“Ha! What I wanted was to see my sister. But since your birthday was coming up, yeah, I aimed for this weekend.
“Open it,” she urged. She leaned sideways against the island to watch me, coffee in hand. I pulled the tissue free and peeked inside, a smile already forming on my face because I smelled the present before I even saw it, and I knew what it was. My mind immediately went back to that first memory I reclaimed just a few months back. The one when Thea and I were just two little girls playing with dolls.
