"God…I've missed you." He said breathlessly, his words seducing her.
Nadine didn't want to respond, but John had a way with women, and she was no different, she melted into him. It was so good to see him, so good to feel him against her. Desire ruled her thinking. It was familiar, and loving and she wanted this moment with him. She had missed him sorely.
She forced the guilt to the back of her mind, that she was doing wrong, as another kiss swept her off her feet.
"I've missed you, too" She murmured as his lips went to her ear. He blew warm air into her ear and her body came alive, moving against his, fitting itself to him.
"You're the only one that really loves me."
"Yes darling, I do. And we will carry on under these impossible conditions as long as it takes. We were meant to be together. We both know it. Feel it. I couldn't stay away from you, no matter what you said. I saw the look in your eyes as you were telling me goodbye, I knew it wasn't the end for us. I knew you didn't want to say goodbye. We've been too close, too long, we can't end this…"
"No…oh John…," she said as she kissed him breathlessly. She felt the intimacy of his kisses, as his lips trailed lower.
His hands spanned her waist, and he carried her to the sofa. He sat her in his lap, and his hands were everywhere, touching, caressing.
"What brought you here," she demanded to know when he swept her totally off her feet. Happy to be in his arms, she cuddled into him.
"You of course. I had to see you. Where's the husband and when will he be in?" John demanded to know.
"He's out in the fields working." Nadine replied, she'd almost forgotten she was married. She forced Gabe to the back of her mind. This is what she wanted. She didn't want to talk about Gabe now, or think about him.
"Good, we can be together for a while, then…" He murmured in her ear. He removed his hat, and loosed his tie, and cradled her against him. His fingers slid inside the wide cut of her dress and she moaned when he caressed her nipples. The familiar way he manipulated her, made her putty in his hand. John was fascinated with the tight pucker of her nipples and eager to explore them once more. She snuggled closer, wanting him to take her right here, right now. She wasn't thinking, she was feeling. Her body was ready for him, primed for him, eager for him.
Again he swept her up in his arms and she laughed this time. But when he laid her on the bed, she wasn't laughing. She wanted and invited this as much as he, but something in the back of her mind haunted her. Something shamed her. This had never happened to her. This new feeling of guilt hit her hard. For a few seconds she fought it, seeing the desire in John's face was enough to tell her she was right in loving him. They had something special.
But then the voice in her head played games with her until she was miserable.
"John, we can't do this…" she wailed miserably.
John stopped for a moment, his hand laying on the curve of her breast, his thumb teasing the tips of her breast as he spoke. "Does he love you as I have?"
She squirmed with her own battles in her head, as her body said yes, and her head said no.
His thumb began to massage the ache of her pert nipples. She sighed happily against him, and moaned. He stared at her breast and waited for her answer. He pulled her dress lower so he could touch his lips to her. She moaned aloud. He obviously knew what she was feeling and enjoyed her torment.
"Oh yes, yes, this is what I've wanted…for so long now…" She heard herself say.
"I know my love. I want you just as much…"
Then the voice in her head pounded at her.
"No…" She looked at him breathlessly. He knew she was eager to give in to him, " But John, I am married to him." She said her breathing ragged and husky, her eyes sparkling with a remembered love and she fought the impulse to accept John into her bed once more. She so needed someone to care for her.
"Then let me give you what he can't." John said as he came down beside her. "We were meant to be together, you and me. We love each other, and I will not let another man take my place with you."
His nose nudged the edge of her dress lower, as his hands pushed her delicate breast up to meet his eager warm mouth. He smelled so good, so clean. Her senses were overloading. The wants grew, the power to deny…faded. She threw back her head and raised herself so he could fully enjoy her.
And then that same haunting voice played in her head and she stopped.
He took her gently into his arms once more and kissed her tenderly as his teeth caught an nipped at her lower lip. She giggled against him. She was dizzy with wants and needs again. His kisses made her fight the haunting voice in her head. But the voice won again.
She gently pushed him away.
"No…this isn't right. You have to leave now." Nadine said and scrambled to the other side of the bed, yanking her dress back to a respectable level, and trying to get her breathing back to normal. She hung her head and got off the bed.
"Please…just go…"
"But I feel the love still in you. I can't leave you like this. Unfulfilled. We need each other. You know that…We need to be together, it's been so long…I'll go afterward! We must be together, now."
Nadine slowly shook her head as tears rolled down her cheeks.
"I won't break my marriage vows, John." She turned to look at him as tears streamed down her face. "I made a promise, I aim to keep it, no matter how much I don't want to."
"I've broken mine for you. Besides, you love me…You can't deny it any longer, Nadine. You love me, and I you. I've known it for a long time. If not for my wife, you'd be my wife." He declared loudly. "You'd be in my bed every night.
She stood up now and glared at him. "Yes, I have loved you. But now I am married to another, and I won't dirty my wedding vows. I won't. I took an oath in front of God, John." She insisted and went to the door. "It's not right. We both know that. It's not right to hurt your wife like this."
"My wife doesn't know." He protested. "She never will…"
"More's the pity." She moved toward the door.
John followed, his hat in hand.
"You're making a big mistake. I know you are warm and ready for me. I know if I took that dress off you, we'd already be making love. I know your body like a map, I know you're heart like I know my own. He won't give you love, but I will, and you know it." He glanced at the breast that was exposed to his view. She looked down and pulled her dress up to cover herself.
At the door, he leaned toward her, kissed her hotly and left. She accepted the kiss as she was greedy for them, but she would not let it go further.
Nadine was trembling as she leaned against the closed door. She fought her desires. The temptation she faced seemed to weaken her. She was shivering, and he was right, she was ready for him. Tears washed her face. How could John come here? He would never do something like this to his wife. He would never hurt her so purposely. Why was he trying to insinuate himself in her life now. She'd said her goodbyes.
Oh Dear God, I want him so! Make me stop wanting him, please!
And yet, his kisses were what she had missed so badly. Truth be told, she wanted him to make love to her. What possessed her to turn him down? She could carry on with John and still live with Gabe. Gabe wanted no part of her. A husband had no right to shun his own wife.
As she heard John's horse gallop away, she almost ran out to call him back. But that guilty voice echoed inside her.
Gabe obviously didn't love her. He probably didn't care if she made love with John. He knew about them, and he wouldn't make love to her. What was a woman to do?
Just before sundown Gabe came in from the fields, he was sweating and tired, but he washed up and sat down at the table as normal. He smelled of sweat and hard work. Nadine frowned.
He was a specimen of a man, everything most women ever wanted, but he didn't want her.
If Gabe had but wanted her…
She had fixed fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy and fresh green beans and biscuits. Gabe
dug into the food. But it was the way he dug into it that had Nadine taking notes.
"That was a fine meal. I was hungry." His voice was hard, like a wind scraping the skin.
"Thank you. I know how you like fried chicken."
He looked at her strangely. "Yes, I do. And you are a fine cook."
His eyes went over her thoroughly." So…you had a visitor?" He said finally as he sipped his coffee and looked away from her.
Nadine cringed. What could she say? How could she explain. It was not of her doing.
"Yes, John stopped by." She said huskily.
"What did he want?"
Nadine got up from the table. She threw her napkin on the counter. She raised her nose to the air.
"He wanted me…" She looked straight at him now.
Gabe stared at her for a long while before saying another word.
"And what happened?"
"I told him I took vows, and I wouldn't break those vows." Nadine was shaking now.
If he hit her she would leave. She determined.
Gabe stood up and turned her to look into her eyes. He nodded. "Good."
"Good! Is that all you can say? I wanted him to make love to me. I wanted to feel something again. You wouldn't have me. So yes, I did want him."
He nodded and stared into her eyes.
"When a person lies about something, their eyes won't meet yours. You aren't lying. I appreciate that. But…just so you know, he's not welcome in this house. We both know what he wants, what he expects from you. I will not tolerate that. You are a married woman, and the only thing you really have to do is protect that marriage. Because love or no love, it is sacred."
She hung her head. "If you are so stuck on the truth then you should know…I wanted him too. I still do."
Her words hung in the air between them.
He nodded once more, but the tension in his shoulders built. "I can see that…it's in your eyes."
"A woman needs to be loved, Gabe. You took a vow too…to love me."
Gabe was about to go out the door when he heard her words.
"Is it love, or is it lust?" He glanced at her over his shoulder. "With you and John."
"Alight, alright. Yes, he makes love to me, kisses me. He loves me. It's that simple. You don't." She insisted. "You've not touched me, since we married. And you have every right to touch me. But you don't want me. I'm black, your black, we are married, it's legal. But you still won't touch me. I'm your wife for God's sake. What's wrong with you?"
She came closer staring him in the eye.
"What's wrong is we are strangers. Why would I take that privilege with a stranger? A stranger who wants to be with a white, married man."
"We don't have to be strangers." She cried. "You have the right to make love to me. We live in the same house, go to bed in the same room. Work in the same house."
"I married you to give you a home. To take away all the bad that's been done you. I knew that first day you'd been whoring a while. I knew that urge wouldn't go away in a short while. It takes time. I thought you understood. Although I knew, I still don't know you."
"You knew I was a whore?" She shrieked. How had he guessed? "I told you! I admitted it. I wasn't trying to lie behind your back."
"I don't like that word very much. It wasn't a whore that took care of my sister. But a man can tell, whether a woman admits it or not. There's something about a woman that is no longer innocent. It's in their eyes. Always on their mind. Even if you hadn't had John, I knew you had been with other men. It's not something you can wash off so no one can see. And your lust, comes from that background. Despite what you say, that I could take you, right now, is not the time for such talk."
She stared at him in astonishment. He made it sound so ugly.
"Do you want me to sleep with you for a child?" He asked after a long silence.
She shrugged, her pride getting in her way. "I do want children. Especially since you can't seem to love me."
"Then we will have children…And Nadine…I said nothing about love. Right now…after what you've said tonight, I'm not sure how I feel. And I'm not sure you know how you really feel either. Maybe we should wait and find out."
He came to stand in front of her, and pulled her chin up so he could look into her face. "When you fall out of love with John, and into love with me, then I will take you to my bed and make love with you. Gladly. But not until. And the way things are right now, that's not going to happen anyway soon."
Her eyes rounded on him.
"John offers love…what would you offer?"
"John offers lust, and you…can't see the difference. Perhaps you never knew the difference. It can destroy the good in you. Love isn't something that starts in the bedroom, Nadine. Love comes from learning to respect each other, to know each other. I've done a lot of wrong things in my time, I'll admit. Things I’m not proud of. But this marriage isn't going to be one of them. You can do anything you want except take another man. If you do take John, you will move out and never come back here. I'm giving you a chance at what you said you wanted. A home, a family. You are my wife, and as long as you stay here, you will not take another man. If you leave, that's your choice. If you choose John, then don't come back."
"Don't you feel anything at all when you kiss me?" She cried out.
He stared for a long silent moment. "Of course I do. I'm as human as the next man. You are a beautiful woman Nadine. On the outside. I'm trying to find out what is on the inside of you. I respect the fact that you didn't lie. I like you as a person. Because deep down I can see you are a good person. The way you took care of Gerty tells me that. But so far you are just going through the motions of being a wife. Your feelings lie with that man, and I won't bed another man's woman. Now, I've told you what I expect. I won't be repeating it. You are still his, even though you married me. I'm not blind to that fact."
When tears rolled down her cheek, his gaze took her in.
"Why did you marry me then? To hold me prisoner? To make me pay for my sins?" She shouted.
"To give you what you never had, a home. You are a colored woman, Nadine. And despite your feelings for this white man, that is not going to change. I'll protect you, support you, do anything I can for you. But I won't bed you until…you can let him go." He said and reached for his hat and left. "You don't belong with him, but until you realize that, nothing will change."
Nadine felt the tears wash her face.
Why had she married this man.
He wouldn't love her. He wouldn't love another man's woman. Was that the problem? She couldn't turn her feelings on and off. John gave her love…despite what Gabe thought. John offered something more precious than support, and protection. He offered her a life.
Lust or love? What was the difference? She wasn't sure. Most men wanted her body. It was ironic to think she had married a man who didn't.
She cleaned the dishes and then started on the house. Work was good for her soul.
When he came in the next evening he noticed how clean and fresh everything looked.
"You've been busy?"
She nodded woodenly.
"Place looks nice. Did you pick those flowers?" He asked gazing at the daisy's on the table.
"Yes, gives the place some color. I like flowers. I like the place to look nice and smell nice." She was still angry with him, but it didn't rob him of his mood. "Gerty always liked fresh flowers. She used to sit and stare at them for the longest…"
A long silence ensued.
He seemed to consider her words. "I planted those flowers for Gerty when she first bought this place. You're right, she sure did like flowers. Her husband thought it foolishness to waste time planting flowers. But Gerty liked them. So I planted them for her."
"I miss her…" she barely uttered. "The way you talk about her husband, makes me wonder how they got along."
"Gerty was crazy in love with him. She was nearly thirty when she met him. And it was love at first sight for both of them. You didn'
t see one without the other. Now…she's is in Glory land. She's feeling no more pain." Gabe said quietly.
"I guess you are right about that." Somehow the hate that had eaten at her for days seemed to dissipate.
She cleared the dishes once more. "Tomorrow change your overalls. I plan to wash."
"Alright." He nodded and took up the bible to read.
After he began reading his bible, she glanced at him.
"John won't come here no more, I'll make sure of that."
Gabe didn't move or say anything for one long moment. Gabe studied her. "He's already here, in your heart. It's you that has to change, Nadine, not him. And him not coming here, doesn't mean you wouldn't seek him somewhere else."
"How can you judge me? When you refuse to be the husband."
"It's not judgment, it's fact. You still don't understand, and maybe I should have more tolerance of it. How long did you whore?"
"Since I was thirteen." She watched the play of emotions on Gabe's face as she spoke. "My Mama caught me with a growed man. We called him Uncle Henry, but he wasn't really kin. He was older, and he knew how to pleasure a woman. He'd been making eyes at me for years, because I liked him. My daddy's friend. He taught me everything about lovin' a man. I'd known the man all my life and I loved him. I liked what he did to me too. He was a good teacher and I learned mighty early on. Mama nearly killed me. She was the first to call me a whore. So I left home and became one. I was not only the only black whore in town, but I was the youngest. And there were plenty of white men wanting to have me. Because I was different, and younger too."
"What did she do to you when she caught you?"
"She beat me, took me to church and had the preacher scare me to death, tellin' me I was goin' to hell. That didn't work either, she caught me again, then she threw me out of the house and told me to never come back. She said I was evil. And I believed her. It was easy to whore after that. Still is. You see, I like making love. And I know I am a sinner."
His glance slid over her thoroughly. "You are not evil. You are lustful. That may never change, but you can change who you are lustful with."
Nadine bristled. Couldn't he accept the fact that she was trying to do the right thing? Didn't he see how much it hurt her to turn John away? She had sacrificed for their marriage, why wasn't there any praise?
Last Bride, Last Man (Book Three of the Red River Valley Brides Series) Page 6
