“Kiss me.” And he does. He licks my lips before he slides his tongue inside, and I moan as he unhooks our linked fingers and grips the back of my head. His free hand slides down the curve of my hip. Reaching around, he grips a handful of wet cotton.
I run four fingers up his arm, trailing my thumb along his bicep until I reach his dripping hair. His kiss conveys powerful meaning, pulling me in a trance and making me wonder things I’ve taught myself not to. Because not getting too close is rule number one.
“I’m going to Banner’s!” Ronnie yells, causing me to freeze. I open my eyes as Tommy lets go. His chest expands before he exhales an unsteady breath. Opening his eyes too, he searches mine. He’s digging for answers, and I’m feeling so many things.
“That Godforsaken ceiling fan will just be broke,” Ronnie fusses. I kinda smile. Tommy moves back. “We’ll use the lamps!”
“Fucking Ronnie,” Tommy mutters before he gets out. “Turn the water off. I’ll grab you a towel. I reach over and turn the knob. Standing here dripping wet and cold, I trace my lips and try to hide the smile on them.
*
I'm bundled up waiting on my panties and bra to dry as Tommy smokes. He offers it to me, but I shake my head no. He’s been quiet, and I wonder what he’s thinking. It’s cold out, and when he exhales it looks like double the smoke.
“Can I ask you what the hell that was up there?”
“I don’t know.” I look away from the exhaled smoke.
“You don’t know?” he asks, lifting his brow.
“No,” I say, gripping the blanket I’m wrapped in.
“Christ, Ellie. What are you doing to me?”
I hear the dryer go off and I stand up, but he grabs my arm. He tosses his smoke out into the yard and turns back to look at me. His deep browns gaze into my sky blues, and then he rubs the back of his neck. The hand that’s on my arm moves down until he links our fingers. My eyes watch.
“I love you. Do you know that?” he all but whispers. I swallow and look back up, my eyes growing wide with caution. My heart saying yes, my brain saying watch out.
“What? You’re surprised?”
I can’t speak because something is stuck in my throat. Words? Fear? My heart kicks up its beat, painfully hitting my ribcage. Say something.
“I’ve loved you since the day you asked me who won.” The corner of his lip lifts in the sweetest way, but I’m a bit confused.
“Who won?” She speaks.
“When Hudson and I were beating the shit out of each other?” he says, reminding me.
“Which time?” I joke.
He chuckles, and after a minute he says, “I don’t expect you to say anything back, Ellie. I know how you feel even if you don’t.” He rubs his thumb across my palm. “I just needed to get it out because it’s making me crazy.” He shakes our hands, and I see his chest fall. “Anyway, I just wanted you to know, is all. Go get your clothes.”
After I change, I tell Tommy bye and climb into Old Blue. Guilt weighs heavy on my chest. Tommy told me he loves me, and I’m leaving. The sad part? He doesn’t know. I can’t bring myself to tell him.
I pull into the driveway, seeing Dad on the porch when I pull around. He’s looking out at the night sky when I jump out of the truck.
“Hey, Dad.” I climb the steps and cross my arms, protecting myself from the cold wind.
“Where you been?” he asks in a just-wondering-kinda-way.
“Tommy’s.”
He nods and then pats the swing for me to sit down. I do so and he puts his arm around my shoulder.
“You told him yet?”
“Does telling him two years ago when it was just a thought count?” I ask, hopeful.
“No,” he says.
“Then nope, I haven’t.” I sigh and pull at the tips of my gloves.
“He loves you. I can see it.”
“Yeah, he does,” I confirm with a frown. He’s wearing his old ball hat and a brown Carhartt coat. My dad’s aged a bit, but everyone in this town thinks he’s handsome, and I agree. He owns a big chunk of my heart.
“Do you love him?”
“Love leaves.”
“Ellie, that’s not true.”
“How?” I ask, sitting up so his arm falls. I look over at him and slide my hat up.
“How is that not true, Dad? Mom left and you loved her more than your own life. Bear left. Now look at me. Tommy loves me, and I’m leaving.”
“Your mom was sick, Bear was old, and you’re making a better future for yourself. Not leaving forever.”
I look down and chew on my pinky nail.
“Are you not planning on coming back, Ellie?”
I drop my hand and peer back over at him. His eyes widen as he realizes what I’ve been thinking.
“You’re not,” he confirms, his jaw tightening.
“I don’t know. I’ve lived here all my life. I just…” I sigh and look out at the endless land around us. Rubbing the back of my hand across my jaw, I stand up and slip my fingers into my pockets so they won’t get cold as I walk over to the steps.
“I want something different,” I hardly say loud enough for him to hear.
“Wild and carefree.” He sighs.
I glance around the post, and he looks away from me before he clears his throat. “Well, I suggest you tell that boy what your plans are.” He stands and walks toward the door. “He deserves to know, Ellie.” He opens it and disappears inside. I groan and look up at the stars.
“I can’t be that little girl who chases fireflies forever.”
Chapter Twelve
Ellie
The sun’s rays dance across my face and freedom never felt so good. I’ve got a skip in my step as I carry the piece of paper saying I’m finished with high school two semesters early. Old Blue sits in the parking lot and leaning against it is my best friend. He’s got a smoke hanging from his mouth, and his hands are stuffed into his pockets. His baseball hat is placed carelessly on top of his messy brown hair, and I turn mine backward as I make it over to him with my lips turned up.
“Hey, high school graduate.” One eye is narrowed, keeping his rising smoke out of it, and his smirk tells me he’s proud.
“What’s up, cool guy?” I slip my paper into my back pocket, and he reaches around me to grab it.
“Let’s see here.” He holds out the paper, like he can see it better when it’s not so close. “Ellie Williams, aka Little Miss.”
“It does not say that.” I punch his shoulder, and he acts like it hurts as he hands the paper back to me. I open the truck door and place it on the dash.
“Wanna get out of here?” he asks with a mischievous grin.
“Yes.” I hop in Old Blue, and Tommy climbs in the passenger side. Starting the engine, I put him in drive and hit the gas.
I’m riding on hopes and a well-thought-out future, but I hide big secrets from the boy who loves me. I’ll soon be carrying the weight of his broken heart, but I can’t let it stop me, because in my head I’m already gone.
*
We skip town and make our way into the city. We buy hot dogs from a stand and sit in a nearby park and eat them. We people-watch and listen to an older man play the blues on the street corner. He’s dreadlocks way down to his elbows, a pretty mixture of gray and black matching his beard. His smile is authentic, and his voice could make the devil cry. I toss a few dollars into his guitar case before Tommy grabs my hand. We walk and explore until my feet are tired of wearing shoes, and then we drive back to our small town.
Tommy’s behind the wheel, and my bare feet are on his lap as he turns onto the small manmade path leading back to where my dad and I used to fish. We get out, and Tommy lays a blanket down under the orange sky. The summertime air makes us sticky, but we’re comfortable in each other’s company, and we’re quiet as the fireflies play around us and the crickets chirp in the woods.
“I used to catch those when I was a kid.” I point to one that flies close to us.
&nb
sp; “You used to catch bugs?”
“Not just any bugs. Fireflies.” I smile over at him. “You know I’ve told you before I don’t remember a lot about my mom, but there is one thing I do and it’s that. We used to get jars and put fireflies in them. I remember being worried the bugs couldn’t breathe so she’d poke holes in the top.”
He gives me a sad smile.
“It’s funny how we remember the small stuff. I’m sure she did lots of things with me, but that’s the one that sticks out.”
“That’s a nice memory.”
“It is,” I agree. The wind sways the treetops, and Tommy’s expression changes before he looks away from me. “When are you leaving?” he asks so quietly.
“You know?” I sit up on my elbows.
“I saw your acceptance letter sitting on the kitchen counter at your house. When?”
“August,” I say.
“August? Were you not going to tell me, L?”
I wince at his harsh tone. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” I say, sitting up more and pulling my long curls to one side.
He scoffs. “You didn’t want to hurt me?” He sits up too and pulls his smokes out of his front pocket. “I’m a big boy, Ellie,” he says after he lights his cigarette. “You can tell me shit.”
I fuss with the strap on my baseball hat and chew on my lip. Swallowing, I look over at him. He’s the picture of perfect. His hat is lifted on his head so I can see his eyes, which tell me things he doesn’t even realize. His jaw is set; his expression is one of hurt and confusion. And that right there is why I’ve been putting off telling him.
“I’m going to be gone for a long time, Tommy,” I tell him.
He narrows his eyes, causing tiny wrinkles to form at the sides.
“How long?” Taking a drag of his smoke, he holds it between his thumb and middle finger before he flicks it away.
“Years.”
Smoke blows from his lips as his eyes scan over my face in disbelief. “You’re not going to come back and visit at all? For holidays, spring break? Fucking Christmas, Ellie?”
“Well, yes, I may come back a few times for those, but not for very long, and my dad has already said he and Piper will come visit me.”
“What about Anne and your aunts?”
“I’ll call them as much as possible.”
“Why?” he questions. “Why do you want to leave so bad?”
I exhale and look toward the setting sun. “I want to be a psychologist and that takes a lot of work and a lot of time.”
“Okay, so do that a few miles outside of town. Why do you need to be hours away?”
“Tommy, unlike you, I’ve lived here my whole life. I’m the daughter of Sara Williams, the woman who killed herself. I’m the daughter of the chief of police, the man who almost died of a broken heart. Everyone knows me. Everyone knows everybody. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my story. I just want to be another face in the crowd.”
“You could never be just another face in the crowd, Ellie. I always thought you didn’t care what people thought.” He takes his snapback off and rests it on his knee as he slightly shakes his head, casting his eyes down. His hand reaches up to rub the side of his neck. “Why can’t this be good enough for you?” A deep set of wrinkles forms between his brows, showing he’s trying to understand.
I swallow my feelings as he turns to look at me, and I see just how much sorrow is written all over his beautiful face.
“Why can’t I be good enough for you?” He searches my eyes as though they might hold the answers to all his questions, but I’m searching too, and I’ve still got nothing. My heart cracks—just a tiny piece I feel separate from the rest, and when I look at Tommy, I wonder what I’m running so fast from.
“Tommy, this has nothing to do with you. This is about me.” I hold his gaze, needing him to know my words are honest, but then I question if they are. He notices, and I look away. Maybe this is about him more than I’d like to admit.
“You wouldn’t lie to me again, would you?” He stands up and places his hat back onto his head before bending down to grab his smokes from the blanket.
“I never lied to you. I just didn’t tell you.”
He scoffs. “Oh yeah, that makes a difference.” Resting his head back, he takes in the vast sky. Its colors are beautiful. Shades of yellow, white, and a soft blue mix together as clouds move leisurely with the drifting wind.
“You’re better off. This couldn’t work between us,” I say softly.
He chuckles. “You never gave it a chance, baby girl. You’re too scared.”
“I’m not scared,” I say, like he’s insulting me.
“You’re right.” He shrugs. “You’re not scared of hardly anything.” He peers down, burning me with his gaze. “You’re not scared of jumping off bridges, stealing your dad’s truck––who is the chief of police. Sneaking out, having wild parties, getting in the shower with me,” he notes lastly, and I suck my lip in between my teeth. “None of those wild, crazy things.” Tommy looks away, and I peer down at my arm, lightly moving my bracelets. “But getting close, getting too close to me, scares you so bad you’re running.”
“Maybe so,” I answer, surprising both him and me. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and regret all of this.” I stand up too. “But I’ll never know if I don’t do it.” I reach over and run my finger down his arm. He flinches, then looks at me. “I have to do this.” He takes his hand out of his pocket and grabs mine.
“I know,” he says after a beat. “It just sucks.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” He sighs and looks up. “I’m sorry that you’re letting what happened between your parents terrify you from loving someone other than your family.”
I look away from him.
“Tell me that isn’t true.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fine,” he says. “Have it your way, Ellie. You always do anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, just for once do things my way. Give it a fucking try. We only have a few weeks left together, right?”
“Yes,” I confirm as he slides his fingers between mine. A sincere smile shows on his lips, and his brown eyes narrow.
“Can we stop with this best friend bullshit then? You’re leaving regardless, so just for these next few weeks let me be your boyfriend. Let me show you it can be different.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’ll only make this harder.”
“Life is hard. You know that as well as I do, but sometimes you’ve got to take risks. You’ve got to jump without looking. Do this with me. Jump. I’ll be holding your hand.”
“But I’m going to leave, Tommy.”
“I know that, but I want to be able to say we gave it a shot, just for a little while before we both move on with our lives, marry other people, and have kids. I want to look back on this time and say I tried.”
My heart falls in my chest.
“You’ll get hurt.”
“I’m hurt now, but I’m alive.”
“Tommy Kingsley.” I shake my head and sigh, pondering what to do here. He’s so damn persistent. “You don’t give up, do you?”
“Not when it comes to you.”
“Why do you love me so much?”
“I just do. Do you think I would if I had a choice? You make it hard as hell sometimes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing and just be my damn girlfriend,” he says, exasperated.
I exhale a deep breath. “Okay.”
His smile is contagious, and his lips taste like candy and dancing in the rain when he kisses me. I laugh into his mouth, and he pulls back.
“Are you sure you can handle this?” I ask. His eyes glow as he gazes at me with adoration.
“I’ve loved you since the day I met you, Ellie. I’ll live when you leave just like I’ve lived right beside you and couldn’t touch you. I’m not saying
it’s not going to hurt, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Now, stop worrying about me and let me kiss you.”
I laugh again as he kisses me, stealing the air from my lungs and the beats from my heart.
Chapter Thirteen
Tommy
I rest my head on my forearm as Ellie sits on the floor in front of me. She’s laughing at Ronnie’s dumb ass. He’s ten sheets to the wind and dancing to music from The Band on an old record player he grabbed from God knows where.
“This is the best part,” he says, swaying.
The joint between his fingers went out like five minutes ago, but he tries to hit it anyway. Ellie moves her head to the beat.
“You like this song, baby?” I ask her. She turns around to look at me.
“Dude, it’s The Band.” She smirks, like duh.
“Right.” I nod and lift my lip.
The front door opens, and Hudson strolls in. His hand’s behind him and in it is Rose’s.
“The Band?” he asks, looking over at Ronnie.
“The Band.” Ronnie smiles like the Cheshire Cat and hits his joint again. This time he notices it’s out, so he walks over to get a lighter.
I look up when the light above us comes on. We all burst out laughing.
“They both work now,” Ronnie says, lighting his weed.
“And it didn’t even take lightning,” Ellie says.
I reach over and turn the lamp beside me off, now that the ceiling fan light works. Ronnie walks over and changes the record, and Ellie jumps up when “Beast of Burden” comes on.
“Oh, I love this song.” She smiles and grabs my hand. “Let’s dance.” I let her drag me off the couch as she sways with my fingers wrapped around hers. I smile as Ronnie turns the music up, and in the corner of my eye I see Hudson spin Rose. Ellie sings and bites her lip, moving around me before I put my hands on her hips.
The room smells like weed and beer, but the only person drunk is Ronnie. Ellie leans in closer to me and wraps her arms around my neck as Ronnie shifts around the room with his hands loosely in the air. I hear Rose laugh before she and Hudson take off upstairs. As Ronnie disappears into the kitchen, I kiss my girl, stealing her giggles and taking her breath away.
Chasing Ellie: A Chasing Fireflies Spin Off Page 10
